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Continuing my tradition of wasting the Earth’s precious resources, I decided not to take Ford’s free ticket to San Francisco, where I would be testing their new 40 mpg fighter, the Fiesta. Instead, I decided to burn about 90 gallons of fuel by driving myself to San Francisco and back in my loaned Ram 1500 Laramie Quad-cab, at a completely ridiculous pace. A thousand miles is more than enough time to learn a car’s ins and outs, and here’s my story.

It was 4:30 in the morning when I woke up to leave for San Francisco, still dark. Fortunately, I had packed the night before, and just had to throw my two bags into the Ram and head out. I set the optional Navigation for Hotel Vitale on Mission St., less than 100 yards from the waterfront. I have a long history with Chrysler navigation systems. The last one I used, in the 2008 Challenger, made me type out “United States Capitol” because it didn’t understand the acronym “US.” I screamed at it for a full 20 minutes, the length of time it took to spell “United States Capitol” on the 6.5” touchscreen. This time, however, my address input was accepted and we were off.

Less than a mile from my house, I stopped for fuel and coffee. Unlike most of the cars I’ve had recently, the Ram’s 5.7 Liter, 390 horsepower HEMI will happily run on 87 octane, a pleasant surprise considering the 32 gallon fuel tank would cost over $100 to fill with premium. The range indicator, part of the on-board computer in the small LCD in between the gauges, showed a range of 399 miles when full. It was 391 to Hotel Vitale. I now had a goal. As I pulled out of the gas station, the clock ticked 5:20, and I had to be there by 11. Five hours and forty minutes isn’t much time to make the drive, especially in a pickup truck when you’re going for a single-tank run, but what the hell, I love a challenge.

Los Angeles highways are surprisingly populated in the early morning, much more so than New York. And because LA drivers are complete morons who drive the same speed regardless of their lane choice, I couldn’t do more than 75 for the first hour. No matter, I scanned through the Sirius stations, realizing that the 9 speaker Alpine stereo sounds phenomenal. I’m sure it looks good on the 9.5” rear-seat monitor, but I only sat in the back for 5 seconds. It’s comfortable and has tons of legroom, like all quad-cab pickups. Opening the “vent” portion of the sunroof, along with the center portion of the rear window yields a perfect breeze, enough to keep the car full of fresh air, and right below the point where you’d have to raise your voice to have a conversation.

Because my test vehicle came with the standard 17” wheels, it rode smooth as butter. I can’t stand when manufacturers put giant wheels on their trucks and SUV’s, because it makes them do everything worse, including ride, stop, and turn. The ultimate test is the 405 freeway’s expansion joints, which do upset the long wheelbase a bit, causing a  repeated bounce. On all non-405 highways, it’s just fine. The seats are wonderful, like Lay-Z-Boys, and are heated and cooled (an industry first). There’s also a heated steering wheel, another first. Put simply, if you live in Middle-America, where Lexus’s are referred to as “Jap Bullshit,” this is the best you’re going to do.

As I merged onto the 5, which I would be staying on for over 250 miles, traffic started to build up in San Francisco. How did I know this, even though I was hours from my destination? The navigation told me, with the following phrase, which will haunt me forever.

“Your route is being changed due to traffic conditions.”

I heard this phrase no fewer than 50 times over the course of this single trip.

Note to Chrysler: I like the fact that your navigation will re-route me around traffic automatically. If that re-routing occurs more than 5 or 10 miles from my current position, do it silently. There is nothing more annoying than being told a traffic update that is more than 100 miles away, especially if you are leaving your destination before rush hour, and arriving afterwards.

We were making good time now, this Ram and I, as we steamed past Buttonwillow into California’s no-mans-land, when all of a sudden, the truck stopped pulling, momentarily, then started again. This wasn’t an ECU problem, no. Because of the Ram’s very high seating position and smooth ride, I had inadvertently bumped up against the 105 mph speed limiter without even realizing it. This happened at least 15 to 20 times during the course of my drive, and it’s rather annoying when you’re in the middle of a pass on a two-lane road when you all of a sudden lose power. It’s very disconcerting, and considering the Ram’s ride quality and gearing, I’m surprised the limiter is set so low. This thing’s got 125 in it, easy. On the other hand, driving at the limiter isn’t very good for fuel economy, and my early optimism soon gave way to fact; there was no way I could make it on one tank. I had to fill up, still more than 100 miles from San Francisco.

Most of the drive I kept the big Ram between 85 and 95 mph, a speed that is totally comfortable, and at which the brakes are quite effective. A Semi-truck cutting you off, while doing 10 mph below the speed limit, and you’re going 25 over is always a good time to find out how well the brakes work. Since I’m still breathing and the truck is in one piece, they work just fine. It’s very quiet at speed, no doubt because they have stuffed this thing with tons of insulation, because from outside, the engine is actually quite loud. At least the sound it does make is deep and throaty.

Ever heard the expression, “if you can’t Dodge it, Ram it?” Well, I couldn’t dodge a bird, and rammed it, at 90 mph. Believe it or not, I killed two animals using the Ram, on the way home I also ran over a squirrel.

About an hour outside San Francisco, I drove into a huge thunderstorm. The clouds got dark, rain came down in oceans, and wind blew trees parallel to the ground. I switched the Ram in to 4×4 Auto mode, and with a half second pause, the transition was done. Although the tall profile and relatively horrid aerodynamics aren’t exactly ideal in a strong breeze, with a firm grip on the wheel, the Ram never lost its composure.

The last ten miles of the drive, I sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic thanks to a broken down shitbox (ahem, Pontiac Sunfire convertible) in the left lane of the Bay Bridge. I didn’t hear a peep from the navigation about being re-routed. Thanks.

I pulled into the hotel with a total time of 5 hours even, including the gas stop. Moving time? 4 hours, 40 minutes. Moving average: 83.9 mph. Overall average: 78.2.

In a pickup truck.

I burned 40 gallons of fuel each way, and ten more driving around downtown. So it’s not exactly economical, but at that pace, neither is anything else (except maybe the Fiesta, which managed 26.8 mpg after 2 hours of driving at redline.) Its comfortable, well equipped, has improved fit and finish, and is genuinely a great place to be for a road trip.

I loved it.

*Chrysler provided the vehicle, insurance, and a tank of gas for this review*

This entry was posted on Friday, April 23rd, 2010 at 10:37 am and is filed under News, Photos, Reviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.