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Minivans are boring, they just are. While they are incredibly practical, and achieve their goals with far more ease and speed than any wagon or SUV could dream of, they have the balls of a minnow. Add to that a driving experience of a Tuff Shed in a pool of Jell-O and you have a vehicle that was anything but exciting.
Toyota wants to change that.

But re-branding yourself-and convincing the public it’s real- is easier said than done. We only have to look at the recent influx of aging actors-turned-musicians as proof (examples). Still, chief designer of the Toyota’s minivan division, Kazuo Mori is going to give it a shot. A former go-kart racer, Mori dreamed of designing sports cars, but for 17 years he’s been drawing slant-nosed garden sheds whose future is filled with Dora The Explorer DVDs and spilled snacks.

I guess after 17 years Mori just couldn’t take it anymore, so for 2010 he tried to inject a little sports-car hormone into the minivan. Chassis tuning, firmer dampers, and a new electronic steering box cut body roll and allow you to actually feel the road (what an idea!). If you want to go Auto-Xing, but also have to babysit your kids, opt for the SE model which gets 17-inch wheels, a body kit, stiffer suspension and further-tuned steering. A 266hp 3.5 liter V6 is available in all trim levels, and hurls, I mean coaxes, the 4300lb play-pen to 60mph in 7.2 seconds.

A new marketing campaign (video here) is drilling the idea that this minivan is “for the guys”, but their casting choice for the commercial is more Larry David than Eric Bana. And while the adds are funny and clever, they hardly highlight the “sportiness”, instead playing to the traditional crowd of parents who are too busy loading 2-ton boxes of diapers and figuring out how to make sure their kids never work in a business that requires body glitter and metal poles to enjoy a fun drive.

After all that work, my opinion on minivans remains the same; they’re boring. This is the sportiest minivan available, but at the end of it all, it’s a friggin’ minivan. Even if it was as fast as a Veyron, it’s body is as exciting as an art smock. It’s not the performance (or lack thereof) that has given minivans their stigma, it’s the overall experience. They are a vehicular muscle relaxer. And while I have nothing against Mr. Mori himself, this makes me even more disappointed in Toyota than ever. Producing nothing but hybrids and mundane family sedans had already put them in the category of books-on-tape excitement. Now they invest time and money, not to mention valuable oxygen, discussing how to make a performance minivan.

Minivans get the job done, and if you want one, fine. But call a spade a spade. Don’t tell me it’s sporty, track-tuned, or was tested on the ‘Ring while playing Homeward Bound 5. And when the sportiest vehicle in your lineup is a minivan, it’s time to take a long look at yourself. Toyota has made some incredible cars in the past, and we want that Toyota back. Let’s all chip in and send Toyota a Ferrari and a Sienna-sized testosterone pill, before they build a “rally-inspired” Prius. Personally I’d rather have a few minutes of inconvenience a day and drive a sport wagon.

-Zack K

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 4th, 2010 at 7:23 pm and is filed under Editorials, Photos, Viewer Submission. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.