College tuition, or Blingy “Quadro” ATV….Decisions
By Zack Klapman
What…is this for? ATVs are good vehicles for certain tasks. ATV stands for “All Terrain Vehicle.” Need to haul a dead deer out of a crick bed for dinner? ATV. We see them running errands at racetracks, working ranches, and driving in slow motion in commercials (slow motion mode is optional on all 2013 Hondas).
Cars are good. They move people, and stuff, and have doors and windows to shade you from the elements. All cars, with the exception of the Peel P50, can carry at least two people. But this thing tries to be both and succeeds at nothing.
This stupid thing, the “Quadro” tries to be both and ends up as nothing. With a name that sounds like a Gillette product this looks like something found in the Goodwill after a DMX video donated its props. It’s much bigger than a normal ATV, so it’s more cumbersome and less nimble. Great. The tires are as thick as foreskin, so the ride should be as comfortable as sitting on the ground next to a jack-hammer. It can navigate any terrain, from asphalt, to concrete.
So I think it’s big and useless. Big deal. Who am I to judge another person’s play-toy, right? Some people like to play with cards, so people like to dangle naked from meat hooks in front of strangers, I support the rights of all to pursue happiness.
Well, I decided I could judge this one-off (I say that because I bet only one will be sold) because the amount for the deposit is $60,000. That’s the deposit??? How much is the whole bike?
$100,000. The price (roughly) of a ZR1, M5, new 911, various AMGs, 2 BMW 1Ms, countless motorcycles, or a college education. $100,000 for a bike that fell out of a Florida rap video.
Now, if this bike were well known to the point anyone would see it and go, “Those are 100k, that guy must be loaded.” I could barely see this being justified by various extroverted peoples. Plenty of people buy stupid shit to display their bank account (or their credit line), and if this did that, fine. Stupid, but I get it.
But do you know who JG Customs is? I don’t. If you’re not recognizable, it’s hard to justify high prices. There’s no badge appeal going on here. They say this quad is, “The next hottest thing on the streets“. Maybe if it was 1998, and DMX wasn’t bankrupt. Or if anyone had ever seen a street-driven quad and thought, “ZOMG, that’s way cooler than a lightly-used Ferrari!”
What you get is a donked ATV that neither does the tasks of a car nor an ATV, and succeeds at doing nothing for 10x the price of either. If you see someone riding one, submit their name for a vasectomy. The world will thank us.