Ayo, baddist Miata Ad on Craigs List ever. Werd

By Zack Klapman

The reason this is titled using the loosest definition of “broken English”, is because it suits the ad below, one of the funniest ever posted on Craigs List.  In our newest installment of “How to Sell your POS with Humor“, we’re going to break down this ad for a NA Miata, line-by-line. We have to go piece-by-piece because it’s written with the intellect of Socrates but touches a consumer’s buttons like Tony Robbins. Yes, that is a Wu-Tang sticker but that’s only the beginning my friends. Bet you haven’t seen the word “swarm” in a description for an automobile have you? Brace yoself, foo.

So this is the ad. Zoom in if you can, but don’t worry, we’re going to break it all down for you. Things to note are the Wu-Tang sticker on the hood that doubles as a helicopter landing pad. But it’s not about how a car looks in the picture, it’s about how you sell it. Slap-Chop would be wise to take note of this seller’s diction and wooing.

The Tagline:

Every good salesman knows you have to open strong or you lose the customer. This guy (smartly) aims right at the youth market by mentioning drifting. Shopper stopped mid-Red Bull sip. “I don’t want a wishwash S13…”

By insulting what he believes to be his car’s primary competitor-the Nissan Silvia/180Sx-he paints his car as a rare bird. The same way that halleucinagenic Mad Hatter, Mystery Douchenstein, said the way to get girls is to “neg” them (put them down), this guy blows off the S13 as a boring, insufficient commoner. He is likely a descendant of royalty.

As he said, “Imma jus get right to it”. Let’s go over the parts on this panty-dropping ‘Ring slayer that would make Vaughn Gittin shit an intact Monster Rehab.

Boom! Nineteen ninety four! You know what happened in 1994? The album 6 Feet Deep dropped. Don’t know what that is? DOESN’T MATTER. What’s important is that these two things happened in the same year, which is like astrology, or something.

Coincidence that Space Jesus chose 1994 for both of these majestic things to grace earth with their presence?? I. Don’t. Think so.

Seems like a smart technique: link your car’s year to something amazing. My Subaru ad should have said “2006, same year as Dane Cook’s Tourgasm”. My Honda Civic ad should have read, “Made the same year as that strangely popular show about prison rape, Oz.”

He’s referring to the manual transmission. That means you choose your own speed adventure. Wanna go slow? 1st and 2nd get it done. Gotta run because your lady’s husband just got home and is chasing you down the street? Bang through all the chapters up to 5th. Point is, you’re in control. It’s your journey, do what you will with it. You’re independent now.

As your English teacher told you about everything, ever, this is open to your interpretation. It has no muffler, we get that. But then the phrase, “so swarm”; does that mean the suggestive “so”, as in, “so go ahead (and swarm)”? Or is it the descriptive “so”, like, “It’s so hot out.” In that case, this would mean this Miata is exceptionally swarm. But what does “swarm” mean, exactly? Scientists have told us this could mean this car’s engine note is similar to a swarm of Wu-Tang Killa Beez, and because it is sans muffler, the sound is magnified. And what right-minded driver doesn’t want a car as swarm as possible?

Now THIS is what makes this car’s $1800 asking price a bargain. Everyone knows the quality of one’s springs is determined by how the springs are cut. If they’re made using an old-timey crosscut saw, then you know them shits will bottom out with the quickness, and your lap times on the ‘Ring will be in the hours. (Oh snap, see what I did?) Machine-cut springs are for weak-willed peasants on Viagra. Springs cut with lasers? You might win a Formula One race or two, but that’s fairly meh compared to these springs. Shaolin steel is no joke. When it touches metal, that metal becomes all-powerful, capable of turning mid-corner panic-braking into faster laps. Yo physics, suck it.

Remember that guy that said, “The pen is mightier than the sword.”? Well this guy melts metal with his voice. I thought only Inspector Gadget had that technology, or maybe James Bond. Apparently this owner says such prolific things, his words have the power to fuse metal. No wonder he’s selling this car, he’s a billionaire now, working for everyone from bank robbers to the Army Corp. of Engineers. That bridge in Minnesota would have been fine if this guy had simply whispered at it.

This car was blessed in 1994 when it landed on planet earth, we know that. But it got double-blessed, OH! By whom, we don’t know. Could have been a priest, rabbi, or monk. Maybe the car got one of those blessings in disguise: an unplanned baby. Doesn’t matter. It was blessed. That means magic, and the coolant can be used to fight off ghosts. Plus, this makes it invincible to speeding semi trucks. “What’s up world, I’m a 135hp cannonball that can’t be stopped by Superman. Watch?!”

The final line in this ad couldn’t captured on camera, because it’s as bright and powerful as a dying star, and it was too long for the monitor. Here’s what it said:

“I aint gonna front shits real bouncy son, best part is it bangs but it aint dickridin nobody else style namsayin. But check it shit looks like Ish from WCC go the interior on. Runs like a  Tunechi when he see a dick swingin near. Drop $1800 gotta update the kitchen. May trade for a motherfuckin Ruckus.”

Descriptive yet dense poetry, requiring years of scholarly analysis by the best encryption artists the CIA has. This paragraph is ripe with exciting imagery and metaphors, locking in the sale.

“Shits real bouncy son.”- Those Shaolin springs are firm, but that’s because they’re so tough. There’s a reason this is the only car to ever go around every road course on earth at full throttle, and it ain’t because the springs are pussies.

-It bangs but it aint dickriding nobody else namsayin”-    What? Sorry, um. This might mean its ride height is so low it scrapes, yet it does so without looking like any other car. Or maybe….it’s a great car that won’t fuck other people?

..shit looks like Ish from WCC got the interior on.”  - Now THAT is playing to the public’s brand recognition. WCC, West Coast Customs. Know who loves them? EVERYONE. Though they sometimes catch a bad rap for rushing work (not their fault), you can’t argue with their taste. Oh, I’m sorry, did someone say a Kia would be heavy and dangerous with a fish tank in the back? Did you hear that putting yellow next to lime green next to neon lights would be ugly? Allow me to rip of your eye lids so you can see the truth! West Coast can do all of those things! Hope you like being bald, because when you get in this car, your exploding mind is taking your hair with it.

“Runs like a Tunechi when he sees a dick swingin near” - Lil Wayne’s nickname is (apparently) Tunechi. So I guess this refers to his ability to run from a naked penis? And that’s a good quality in a car?

“Drop $1800 gotta update my kitchen”- The funds given for this car will be used to upgrade the owner’s kitchen. For $1800, we can assume he’s buying a stove. So that should really say, “Turning a room into a kitchen.”

…or he’ll buy a motherfuckin Ruckus.