Nic Cage still needs money [VIDEO]
By Zack Klapman
Welcome back to Cage Watch 2013, where we keep an eye on how Nic Cage will offend the motoring public on screen, solely so that he can avoid bankruptcy. This all started in 2011, when he starred in the long-form YouTube video known as Drive Angry. During screenings, producers of Fast Five marveled at the liberties taken with the laws of physics and realism, quoted as saying, “I know we had Paul Walker survive an 8,000 ft. fall into a river, and we dragged a safe weighing as much as the moon by cop cars, but this is ridiculous.” Of note were the special effects, done by recent elementary school graduates.
And so began our task of monitoring Nic as he swims against the current of completely-avoidable financial ruin by starring in questionable automotive-inclined productions.
A breaking story today as Nic stars in Town of Car Legends, a Chinese commercial for the Chinese-made, Saab-based Senova D Series. Apparently, Saab overseas got a lot of features we didn’t. The one Nic drives can pop up onto two wheels just be downshifting. American cars require a ramp for the same maneuver, damn government infringing on our rights…
The video features every car cliche you could think of:
1. The story is merely a backdrop for stunts- Actually, in this case, it’s indiscernible. Cage runs from people, who turn out to be smiling women, and is then welcomed into what looks like a church community. Ok then.
2. There is a J turn- Of course there is. Does the hero car drive in reverse, yet out-run the forward-moving bad guys? You betcha!
3. There’s drifting- Which is accentuated by the car striking an arc of plastic barriers, perfectly. “Put a slide in there, the kids love sliding cars.” This reminds me of Acura’s commercial starring their very FWD wagon drifting a U-turn. Another option we didn’t get here.
4. The cars sound nothing like they sound- The Senova D series is offered with a 1.8, 2.0, or 2.3 liter four-banger. The cars in the video sound an S500. Another cool feature we were forbidden from. Damn NHTSA…
5. Unrealistic Shifting- Let’s break down the shifts:
- Shift #1 Nic pulls the shifter back (like you would from 3-4, or R to D), and accelerates away from bad guy #1. Ok, so that’s the magical gear to accelerate, agreed? Excellent.
- Shift#2 he pulls it the same way and it kicks him up on the two left wheels? noted. Ohhhh kay… maybe it’s like Cruisin’ USA, where the gas pedal does everything, that would make sense.
- Shift #3, he spins around and pushes the lever forward, presumably into rever-WAIT A SECOND. He pushes the shifter TO the same spot he pulled it FROM in the previous shifts! Which would mean he had the car in reverse during those stunts! Shenanigans! Shennnnnannnigannnns!
But the buying public isn’t as nerdy as I, and they’ll be captivated by the always-concerned face of National Treasure (Or as I call it, generic-brand rip-off of Indiana Jones), making this a success, and keeping ol’ furrowed brow out of the poor house.