SkyNet Alert: Bored Subarus are Starting themselves.
By Zack Klapman
Subaru has issued a recall for 2010-13 Outback and Legacy, 2012-13 Imprezas, and 2013 XV Crosstreks. Not all of them, just ones fitted with a Audiovox remote engine starter. I’ll give you one guess what the problem is….
Yup, they’re starting by themselves- ZOMG THE MACHINES ARE SELF-AWARE. RUN! RUNNNNNNN!!!!
Basically, if you have this add-on accessory, and you drop the key fob, it can cause a short of some kind, giving your car a mind of its own. Some cars just start, run for 15 minutes, and then turn off, something a smart PR person would call, “Maintaining itself by performing a self-lubricating circulation.”
Other cars start, stop, and re-start, until the battery dies (“It’s just cycling the battery.”); A form of automotive seppuku. Should a car start itself in a garage,
weaker humans could asphyxiate due to carbon monoxide poisoning.
Subaru, you want to put a really cool spin on this? Just say that your cars are so athletic, energetic, and perfect for adventure, that if you don’t take them out enough, they’ll just leave without you. Like a Husky that’s cooped up in an apartment. You’re welcome.