by Zack K

Sacrilege! What the hell was this person thinking?! This is like forcibly giving Katy Perry the Mike Tyson face tattoo. If this is some rich guy’s $250,000 joke, I’m going to kick him in his faberge eggs. Despite its physical handicaps on the road, the Alfa 8c is in my top 5 favorite cars of all time. I love it. I think it’s the best-looking car built in decades;better looking than any woman I will ever marry. It also sounds perfect, has an amazing interior and it’s fast enough in a straight line to keep me entertained. To quote the great poet Seth McFarlane, “I hope you fornicate yourself with an iron stick.” More shouting after the jump. 

I think there’s 3 possibilities for who ordered this car:

1. A rich redneck who wanted to buy an Eye-talion sports car but had to add a lil southern drawl to it. Y’know, to make sure folks don’t think he’s evolved into a person of class and taste, who educated himself and stepped forward in life forgotten his roots. Holy shit, maybe it was Sarah Palin…

2. A rich European -probably Russian- who grew up buying Dukes of Hazzard DVDs from a boot-legger. After making millions by 100% legal and ethical means he ordered an 8c, but as he moved the mouse to “Buy Now” he glanced at his childhood heroes. With Smirnoff-ian fortitude he emailed Alfa, “Give me ze Alfa Compeh-tee-shun car but make look like Gggeneral Lee. Yes, with flag. No I don’t now what means, but I like the colors.”  This person simultaneously took a shit on both Italian cars and the American heartland.Bravo.

3. Some super rich asshat bought it to show his friends, as one of the world’s most expensive bad jokes. “How hilarrrrious is that, bro?” He probably earned his money by being the product of his father’s entrepreneurial ejaculate, because taste like this smells of a juvenile with too much money.

Whatever the reason for this monstrosity, I hope this car soon finds itself accosted by a guard rail at high speed so it may be put to rest (Without harming the driver. Ok, maybe a little bit). Or maybe Sarah McLaughlin can sing a song about it, and ask us to adopt it and nurture it back to it’s natural color.

Source: TRC Off

(This story comes to us from PipeBurn.com)

by Zack K

The only trikes that were ever cool were BigWheels and the off-road kind. BigWheels are cool because they have the grip and stability of a KY wrestling match on ice and off-road trikes are cool because they’re fucking dangerous. I got to spend a day riding one up near Humboldt (I was 12 so no, I wasn’t high), and it’s an interesting exercise in planning. You have to plan when you will turn, to make sure you’ve slowed to the necessary 4MPH to prevent flipping it. The big, 1970s balloon tires floated over rocks and holes just fine, but it essentially had the ability of a drag bike: Forward is good, turning is bad.

The only trikes you see now are the ones we all hate. Sold with the line, “Do you want to ride a motorcycle, but lack the physical ability to lean? Do you sit on your couch holding home-made handlebars fashioned from pipe cleaners, making exhaust noises and watching old episodes of Renegade? Have we got the vehicle for you!” they’re outdoor patio benches with an engine. I saw two (riding together, of course) cruising through Malibu on our Mulsanne shoot. The consensus from all 8 of us was canyon-shaking laughter. They are motorcycles for the lazy. They’re cars without any of the benefits. Trikes, no one likes you.

Except this one, the “Bonneville Spirit.” It was built in France by Francis Bouillet, inspired by Bonneville and in my (and Thad’s) opinion, it is the king of trikes. Jump to read more.

If you want to read the full article with interview, click here, but I will give you the short version. After 18 years in the French Air Force, Francis retired and signed up for the Espera Sbarro school of design. For a final project, instead of building a 1/16th scale vehicle, he just built the one above. The movie “The World’s Fastest Indian” was playing at the time, and planted Bonneville in his mind. He got to work piecing it together, and “piecing” is the correct term. The frame is from a Harley Sportster. The front clip is from a French car built in 1902. Parts of the front control arms are from a Sikorsky S-55 Chickasaw helicopter and the foot pegs are from an airplane. This is like Orange County Choppers, with the tattoos, spider web fenders and bullshit.

The result is a trike that looks fast standing still, with beautiful tear-drop fenders all around and a blue frame that jumps off the screen. He’s been contacted to bring it to Bonneville Speed Week, but shipping that far is costly. Hopefully someone hooks him up with a free flight. I’m curious to know how fast it can run. Even if it’s nothing too exciting, seeing it run, and sitting on that gorgeous salt, would be quite a scene. I love this bike for its originality, its motivation and the fact it’s Francis’ first project. What a way to start.

Source:  http://www.pipeburn.com/home/2012/1/11/kustom-racer-designs-bonneville-spirit-trike.html

by Zack K

If you cheat accidentally, is it cheating? That’s the question that came to mind when I read Matt Bubbers’ story on retired rally driver, Rauno Aaltonen. They call Rauno the “Original Flying Finn” and after you read his story, you’ll know why. Make the jump to read about the harrowing, snow-covered mountain shortcut Mr. Aaltonen “found” at 85MPH.

In 1962 Aaltonen crashed and found himself upside down in a car that was on fire. He said he heard classical music (due to a lack of orchestras at rallies I’d say that’s a bad sign) and swirling vision. Suddenly, his co-driver screamed for him to get out, and since his belts had the built-in safety feature of melting when presented with fire (that’s a joke), he freed himself. A lesser man might look at the burning car, quit his rally career and go into a safer one- maybe testing the softness of cotton balls-but Aaltonen had been racing on and off-road since the 1940′s, so he didn’t quit.

5 years later he was in Monte Carlo, the most celebrated and important rally of the time. He was driving a Mini Cooper, a car he loved because of it’s tiny wheel-base and short over hangs. Other cars were more powerful but for him the small size allowed him to have more room on the road and gave him a better racing line.

(Here’s what the Col de Turini looks like in the daytime).

One of the special stages was the Col de Turini (click for WRC video). It’s a narrow road set above steep cliffs, climbing then descending to the finish. When they arrived at the stage Aaltonen was in 1st place, 12 seconds ahead of a Porsche. But right as the starting marshall counted down, there was an accident on the road. So Rauno had to wait. And wait…and wait.

As he sat there, snow fell, covering the icy road in thick fluff, and making his narrow, spiked tires as grippy as a 95 year old woman. Finally, it was clear, and they were off. But soft, deep snow and narrow tires are not friends. Grip on the climb was minimal, and at the peak they were now 2.5 minutes behind. On the downhill the pace quickened; Rauno was doing 85 MPH- mostly sideways- on a road as wide as dental floss but to make up 150 seconds seemed impossible.

Then, mid-corner, they hit a patch of ice. Rauno knew they were going off. There were boulders lining the road, and he knew he could aim for them to stop car. But he didn’t, because he’s a psychopath. Rather than hitting the cave-man’s guard rail, he aimed between the rocks. Why? Check out this logic: He knew the slope below was “only” a 45 degree slope. So he “knew” he wouldn’t die falling down a cliff. His idea was shoot the gap, hopefully miss all the trees and rocks below and magically make it back to a road. Sure. While we’re at it, let’s jump from a plane, take off the chute we brought, and hope we find another one on the way down.

But that’s what happened. Somehow through the blessing of the almighty spaghetti monster, they landed between fir trees and snowy boulders and kept going. “As we had already left the road there was no point of stopping, as the Mini would immediately sink deep, but to continue hoping to find some road.” And find it they did, ending up back on the special stage road, taking a Frontier Airlines shortcut to get there. This guy is out of his mind, “Oh, since we’re already flying through the air into Whoknowsbutyayicicles, let’s just keep going?” Talk about luck. They ended up winning the stage (and the rally) by 5 seconds.

“I told my co-driver to shut-up his mouth and don’t tell anything. And so, for 20 years I never told anybody. It’s no good to tell because it would just stir things up, you see.”

So Aaltonen cheated, technically, but considering the balls it takes to shoot that gap and hope for the best I’m certainly not going to call the WRC or shake my finger at him. What he did was totally insane, and absolute luck. We see rally highlight after highlight of people bouncing into trees, flipping down hills, even happening upon horses. No one would intentionally leave the road, because it’s way safer than what’s around it. I know he didn’t follow the rules, but the guy risked blind flight in the off-chance he could stay in the race. What if there was a cliff at the bottom of the hill? What if there was a marauding band of cannibals with spears and a hatred of small, FWD cars? If you put this in a movie, I’d find it as believable as towing a 20-ton safe while doing controlled drifts. But it was real, it happened, and they lived. This kind of perilous chance is what makes rally driving the greatest racing sport in the world. And considering Rauno stayed puckered for at least 10 years after this race, I’d say we can give him a pass on this.

Source: Autos Sympatico

 Last week we sat down and looked at all the cars we had driven in 2011. It was a great year at The Smoking Tire. Though we hadn’t driven hundreds of cars with a team of only 1.5 journalists (Matt and Zack) we did pretty well, driving at least 60 cars. Some were used in episodes, some for written reviews and some were from Matt’s work on “The Car Show.” We decided to break them into 3 categories: Sedan of the Year, Truck/SUV of the Year, and Sports Car of the Year.

After coming to an agreement on the Sedan and Truck/SUV of the Year Matt chose the Sports Car of the Year. He drove everything, so he would be the best judge. LIES! We locked in our votes and then posted a contest for all of you: Whoever picked the same 3 cars we did before midnight on New Year’s Eve would win a t-shirt. It’s now January 1, 2012 which means it’s time to reveal our choices for Cars of the Year, as well as the contest winners.

Sedan of the Year: Mercedes Benz E350 Bluetec

Some of you were expecting the CLS63 AMG. Others lost their free shirt betting on the CTS-V wagon. We considered those, but a super-sedan is really a sports car wearing a fanny pack. You want a sports car, get a sports car. But if you want the best sedan on the market today, get a Mercedes E350 Bluetec.

We all fell for this car on a 1,600-mile drive to the California/Oregon border and back. The challenge was to drive from the Mexico border to Oregon in one day, the entire state of California, on one tank of diesel fuel. Clean diesel cars are fairly new to America and their fuel economy usually exceeds what’s advertised, so why not? The car had to fight stop-and-go traffic, 94-degree heat, mountains, several stops (for the camera truck to re-fuel), the weight of 3 full-grown man-boys, their camera gear and a slow-cooker plugged into an inverter that spent 6 hours roasting a brisket. Despite all that, we went 784 miles on a single, 21 gallon tank of dino juice, averaging 38.5 miles per gallon, better than the dismal Lexus CT200H Hybrid, a car so bland we completely forgot to put it on the list, even though we drove it just 3 weeks ago. A big part of its efficiency is the incredible 0.27 cD, which for the non-technical among us, means it’s just as aerodynamic as a Prius, and doesn’t look awful.

But it wasn’t just the fuel economy that hooked us; this car is the total package.

If it takes 100 miles to get to know a car, consider this a former spouse. You want to test an interior, spend 14 hours straight in one, then 10 hours the next day. It is one of the most comfortable we have sat in. The massage seats are better than those in the $400,000 Bentley Mulsanne. The engine is almost silent on the road yet has 402 torques that make accelerating or passing a breeze. It handles well for its size, the 7-speed transmission is repsonsive, the interior is nice looking and easy to use and it has a night-vision system which is as helpful as it is frigging awesome. I’m 5’11″ and after 10 hours in the back seat, I wasn’t the cranky, short-fused jackass I was expecting to be. Mercedes simply got many many things very right.

This car also brought us to the agreement that unless you’re getting an AMG (or similar performance car) and driving it, hard, all luxury cars should be diesel. People equate off-the-line torque with speed and it has that in spades. Few E550 owners ever use all the power and RPMs their cars can provide, so why not get something a little more frugal (something rich people secretly love). Stylish, aerodynamic, comfortable, silent, and efficient, the 2011 Mercedes E350 Bluetec is what a modern sedan should strive to be.

SUV/Truck of the Year: Ford F-150 EcoBoost

I’m betting a lot of you were expecting the Raptor to be here simply because we drive one all the time and love it very much, while writing in the review of the 2011 Raptor that it’s the best truck ever made. While the Raptor is our choice of transportation when the apocalypse comes in 2012,not to mention the one Matt wrote a check for, we’re objective enough to give credit where it’s due: The Ford F-150 EcoBoost is an incredible leap forward in the truck game. The 3.5L twin-turbo V-6 makes 365HP and 420 torques at only 2,500 RPM. Compare that to the Raptor’s 6.2L V-8; 411 HP and 435 torques, but not until 4,500RPM, which are on Premium fuel compared to the Ecoboost’s regular octane. Point: EcoBoost.

It also has the same towing capacity as the V-8 trucks, up to 11,300 pounds, so you can pull logs in slow motion through a muddy work site all day long. I don’t know why you would, that’s just what the commercials tell me you people are up to. And of course, the cream on top is the fuel economy: 21MPG highway. That’s only 1MPG less than the non-turbo V-6, and only in the 2WD trucks (the engines get the same MPG in the 4×4 trucks). With a 34 gallon tank, the range is 756 miles. That same trip means 2, more expensive, stops in the Raptor. Point: EcoBoost.

The EcoBoost outsold V-6 trucks from all of it’s competitors combined; more than 100,000 units. The last time Ford sold that many V-6 trucks was 1985. And lets not forget the comfortable, well-equipped interior. The seats in the top trim levels are nearly the same as our Raptor, and they are some of the best seats I’ve ever sat in, period. The media systems are great; Sync (at least the version the F150s and Mustangs get) is still best in the business, and there’s room and storage everywhere. Ford clearly thought things out, paying attention to every piece a person could use, touch or sit on. You put that interior onto a smart, powerful-yet-efficient platform and you cannot lose.

Bottom line: A tuned version of this engine in a Raptor would earn another check from Matt in 80,000 more miles. Raptors rock, 10 mpg doesn’t.

Sports Car of the Year: Porsche 997.5 GT3 RS

Of all the cars we’ve driven in the three categories, this one was the hardest to choose. I mean, just go back and look at that list of sports cars: Supercharged Lamborghini, 640 HP Corvette’s, a Mustang that handles like a German car, and the BMW 1M, the best car to come out of Munich in over a decade. All of them are incredible, and we’ve been very fortunate to get behind the wheel of these amazing machines. But I thought long and hard about this (read: the length of 1 massive Spider Wreck bong hit followed by 1 Camel Light cigarette), and one car stands out as being so completely over the top with driving excitement, it had to be recognized. We understand that this isn’t the newest, fastest version of the GT3 RS, as that honor goes to the new 4.0 version with 50 extra horsepower, but we’ve never even seen one of those in person, let alone drive one. Trust me, the 3.8 works just fine.

When you see a GT3 RS parked on the street, it looks like a full-on race car. And for good reason: it only weighs 220 pounds or so more than the actual 911 Cup cars, and most of that is mandatory street equipment and basic interior panels. There are no buttons on the steering wheel. The seats don’t recline, because if they did, you wouldn’t be driving properly. You’d think the radio would sound terrible, but it doesn’t. I know because I used it exactly one time. You may as well throw it out the window, because the 3.8L, 450 horsepower flat six sounds as close to its racing version as I’ve ever heard on a road car; add a basic cat-back exhaust and it sounds identical. It revs up like a literbike, and when it comes on cam, I just about came; on cam. I found the above picture by looking up “Direct Steering” on Google. Even on public roads, I found myself braking later into corners than I ever had in my life. The handling was so good, cameraman Tom Morningstar made a girl puke twice on a Sunday drive (thankfully she exited the car first). People use the term “bolt action rifle” to describe the perfect shifter. I’m convinced the gun was designed to mimic the car’s feel, not the other way around.

I was fortunate enough to spend a week with the GT3 RS while filming The Car Show back in May. We procured it for the purposes of running the Mojave Mile, where I went 166.3 mph. Just a few months beforehand, Richard Hammond of Top Gear used the exact same car for their American supercar road trip film, and nearly wrecked it at VIR, but he loved it.  We originally tried to get a Turbo S, which would have been the right decision for the film, as a Turbo S in attendance ran 182.7, but it wasn’t available, and I don’t care. Standing mile numbers notwithstanding, (the giant wing couldn’t have helped), this car was fast. 450 horsepower pushing around just 3020 pounds is ridiculous. Sure, the 4.2 second sprint to sixty may make you roll your eyes compared to Supercharged Lamborghinis or magical AWD computer-aided launches, but passing at highway speeds? Forget it. Every highway is the Mulsanne Straight when you’re in a GT3 RS.

That week was one of the best driving weeks of my life. I went 15 mph faster on the way to the runway than I did on it, and have never felt a car so planted at those speeds. Thank you, downforce. I spent 12 hours and 2 tanks of gas in the canyons one day. And I used the GT3 RS for daily driver errands, too. You’d think that the most hardcore, barely street legal race car available from Stuttgart would be rough, noisy, and generally unpleasant on the street, but the opposite was true. Even on rough pavement, the GT3 RS was totally bearable. The trunk and empty space normally filled with a hilariously un-usable back seat holds a surprising amount of stuff, provided it fits in between the (again, non-folding) seats to get there. The air conditioning, aforementioned radio, and ounce-shaving cloth door pulls do their jobs just fine. And it’s easy as pie to parallel park. Sure, the clutch and shifter are a bit heavy for the daily Los Angeles commute, but odds are, if you own, or are even considering owning a GT3 RS, you’ve got that situation handled.

Some of you may be disappointed that we didn’t choose everyone’s favorite, the BMW 1M Coupe. We loved that car, and I mean really had an amazing time driving it. It’s fantastic. But the GT3 RS is cut from the same cloth; a limited-edition, wider, faster, racier, yet somehow still practical version of an already high performance car. The difference is, the RS starts at a much higher level. These two cars are both incredibly brilliant. But at the end of the day, there has to be a winner. And the smile on my face while driving the Porsche at, frankly ludicrous speeds simply can’t be matched by a BMW 1-Series, even if it is the fastest, best handling, most fun 1-series ever made.

The Winners: Unfortunately, no one was able to guess the exact same cars as us. I know the list was long, but I thought someone might have. However, shoutout to user The Nik, who got two out of three, the Porsche and F-150 Ecoboost. For being the most right person in a sea of wrong people, The Nik, email Matt your address and we’ll send you a TST shirt.

Who doesn’t like drag racing? Smoke pouring from tires, cars lined up and shaking like chained dogs staring at a rabbit 1/4 mile away. It’s a very different feeling than road racing. You know you have only a few seconds of WOT and then it’s over. It was on my mind the second I got my license and I raced every weekend in high school, as did Matt (although he did it legally). Today we have some vintage drag porn for you, a documentary called Drag On.

It takes us inside why drivers did it, how fast the cars were, and reminds us what it was like before everyone had a CNC machine, CAD design, aeronautics degree and millions of dollars. The safety equipment here is laughable by today’s standards, and we know having an exposed engine right in front of the driver is a bad idea, but back in those days these were the fastest cars around. Here they are captured on film, with slow-motion burnouts, driver interviews and plenty of noisy, crazy-fast runs. The scary thing is  they’re not that much slower than cars today.  Make the jump to watch.

- Zack K

You know how the Chinese have the Year of the Dragon, or Cat, or Dog? As Matt put it after SEMA, this was the Year of the LS Swap. Every project had an LS motor. Pro-touring cars, off-road machines, Japanese drift cars, shit, you can probably get an iPod case that has an LS motor in it. I know, I know; cheap, reliable, easy-to-find power. Yeah yeah, we get it. Logically it makes sense but I hate logic and nothing is immune from becoming over-played. After all, advancement and new ideas are what drive the entire automotive industry.

Then I saw this guy, 1dirtyZ, on the ls1 forums. He’s putting an LS1 into 996 Porsche. And there’s a video of it. Fine, one more, but then we’re at capacity.

The builder is 1dirtyZ, a fabricator living in Saudi Arabia. He had the idea for this swap for a while, and finally found a 996 Porsche that fit his needs. Originally he was going to get a regular 911, but the car he found happens to be 996 turbo. That means it has AWD, which he found out he can fit to the LS1. Awesssome. And he got it for about $10,000

A Turbo for $10,000?? What? How?

This is how:

Fires hurt resale value.

So it had had a small engine fire. Who cares? 1dirtyZ cleaned that out, bought new rear brakes, knuckles, control arms and found a way to shove the engine in. I wish I had this guy’s skills. I know some will say sacrilege, and I love how responsive the stock motor is to mods, but if your engine caught fire and you knew how to build a Frankencar like this, why not?

"It fits! The damn thing fits! And I thought there were no more spaces!"

His plan is to get this car into daily driver shape; NAV, stereo, A/C, all that noise. He also wants to put turbos on it at some point. I guess “daily driver” means something different over there. But if the roads are as straight and boring as they look on YouTube, that makes crazy-person-sense.

It’s still a ways off, but he was able to get it running last month and do a few pulls past his shop. The videos were taken in the dark, but it’s a fun exercise for your brain to try to see a Porsche turbo but hear a V-8. So here you have it; one of the most interesting and hopefully final LS engine swaps for a while.

- Zack K

I used to think that every driver was trying to drive the same line, the same way, with the same steering and throttle input, every time. I assumed someone had taken a physics class, calculated the best way to drive a car, and all the drivers would drive like that. I thought, ideally, they should all be mirror images of each other. There’s a racing line, there’s the physical properties of grip, so theoretically everyone should try to drive according to those properties and thus, the same.

But they don’t. Watch the great F1 drivers (slow motion helps) and there are subtle differences. In 2006 former F1 driver and current F1 commentator Martin Brundle made this great video, showing the driving styles of Alonso, Button, Schumacher and Raikkonen. Using Red Bull’s F1 car (in the rain no less) Martin flies around the track, shouting the differences in approach, apex, entry speed, and driving style. All of them go fast, but they have different ways of doing it. Make the jump for the video.

- Zack K

A few days ago Matt wrote a post on the certified, absolute death of Saab. There’s no encore to wait for, no defibrillator to grab, it’s over. The main focus of Matt’s post was how new Saab owners were screwed, because their warranties had ceased to exist. A lot of people in the comments section started asking if dealerships were offering big deals on Saabs, and if that was a good idea. We hadn’t heard anything at that point, but thanks to an article from Car and Driver, we have some new information for you about bargains, warranties and the future value of these cars. Make the jump.

The answer is “yes, depending on where you live.” One dealership in Boston is offering up to $18,000 off of new cars, especially fully loaded 9-5 Aeros. Not every dealership is doing it, but I would bet if you brought that ad into another dealer (a good tactic to buying any new car) you would open the door for negotiation. When Saab went under, it left the job of unloading inventory up to the dealer so a dealer can sell you the car for $1 if he wants to.

Yes, that is a crazy amount of money to “save” on a car. But there’s several things to consider:

First, this won’t be easy if you don’t have cash in hand. You know how banks prefer financing new cars as opposed to used? That’s because they’re a more stable investment. If you can no longer make payments, they’ll likely get more of their money back after they repo it. Using that as a template, trying to justify loaning money to buy a new car that’s already very discounted, made by a company that no longer exists, in a down market is hard to imagine. I’m not a banker, but even I would walk into that bank and say, “Are you crazy?” Actually, given my want to fist bankers with a gauntlet from Medieval Times, you greedy ass*****!! current feeling on banks, I hope none of them read these posts and they loan everyone money for a Saab.

Second (and this ties to the banks’ hesitation to loan), the car will depreciate very very quickly, so you have to be prepared to own this car for a long  time. In the past-long before Saab’s death rattle was even being built-Saabs depreciated much faster than other makes. After 3 years, the average Saab drops in value by 66%. So if you bought a car for $30k, 3 years later it was worth a little over $10,000. Fucking ouch.

The depreciation isn’t a new symptom; it was awful long before the company was going bankrupt. To compare, other cars made by deceased companies (Saturn, Oldsmobile, Pontiac) are only worth an average of $2,000 less than similar cars made by Chevrolet or Buick (who are still around). So it’s not even company bankruptcy that caused this, it’s Saab’s reputation in the past.

Add in the uncertainty of warranties and that decline is likely to increase, even if by a little. If you want to grab a great deal on a Saab, feel free, but you need to be committed to owning this car because if you try to sell it, you could lose more money than the dealer. If you want grey interior but your spouse wants white, better talk it out. Treat it like the decision to have a kid, although those are easier to sell.

"Anyone have a fuel injector for a 2011 9-3? No?"

Third: parts. Everyone is worried about parts supply for existing Saabs. This is where people might catch a break. The companies that manufacture many of the parts aren’t owned by Saab, so they will stay in business as long as demand does. Demand will surely slow, but since many of the cars shared much of their DNA and skeleton with GM cars (the 9-4X and Cadillac SRX, for example) parts will be around. You might be asking for the MAF sensor from a Tahoe to put on your 9-5, but at least you’ll be able to get it.

Lastly: warranties. This is the big question mark, “Will my existing Saab or new Saab be covered?” The answer is: depends. If you bought a Saab before January 1, 2010 (That’s the day GM dropped Saab) its warranty will be covered by GM. If you bought a car after that, it’s up to the dealership. Dealerships get reimbursed for warranty work by the manufacturer. Manufacturer go away, dealer get no money. Some dealerships have been performing warranty work and eating the cost, but don’t expect it. If you bough a Saab after that, get an aftermarket warranty. They usually cost a few thousand dollars for several years of coverage.

Without a company warranty many of the new cars will be sold “as is.” Again, this is a situation being handled different ways depending on the dealer. Some have added aftermarket warranties at their own expense (some states require a new car come with a warranty), others put “as is” signs on the car, and some can even do fancy paperwork to change the car’s classification from “new” to “used.” Again, get a warranty. Remember, you’re buying this car with the intent of keeping it for a while; stuff will break and you don’t want to have to pay for it. And in the off chance you try to sell the car, a warranty will provide some peace of mind to what will no doubt be a nervous shopper.

Everyone loves a bargain, and getting a new car this cheap never happens, even if you blow the dealer himself, although that will get you upgraded floor mats. But be very aware of the situation you’re entering into. I would also consider how many independent Saab repair shops exist around you. If you live in the middle of Idaho and the only repair shop is the dealership, I’d steer clear. But in California, they’re everywhere. Just be sure it’s what you want, and something you want for a long time.

- Zack K

A few weeks ago we were sitting around bullshitting about the future; New concepts, possible episodes, ideas, dreams, alibis, the usual stuff. Thad sat up; the cue he has an idea. Sometimes his ideas are nuts but his batting average is pretty good. “Can we get a car from someone and just try to break it? You know, see how far it’ll jump before it breaks, something like that?”

I turned, “So, you mean can we tell a company we’re going to hurl their car through the air, repeatedly, with the idea that the longer it survives the better they look?”

“Yeah.” He quickly replied, as if I had asked if he was putting on socks before his shoes?

“But we will break it? We’re going to do something until it does, in fact, break, and that will be the finish line? You want to know if we can do that?”

He smiled and shrugged, “Yeah!”

I took a beat, staring at him and giving him the opportunity to hear my answer through ESP before I said it. “No, Thad, we can’t ask to do that.”

It reminded me of Happy Gilmore’s excuse for breaking a rake, “I didn’t break it! I was testing its durability. And then I placed it in the woods, because it’s made of wood, and I thought it would want to be with its family.”
Well, I guess I’m wrong. Chevy has a video series on their website called “The 1500-Mile Drive to Survive”, where engineers took the new Sonic on a 1,500 mile road trip from Colorado to California. But not just on the freeway. That would be boring and thus never mentioned here. Their trip included snow, rain, muddy fire roads and an old, bumpy, rutted miner’s road (think rally stage). That’s a good gauge of NVH and fitment. I’m glad I couldn’t hear body panels and trim shaking off like Top Gear’s cobblestone challenge in S10E07.

Granted, these are engineers whose job is testing the car, finding problems and addressing them. And this is likely a final-assembly check turned into free advertising. Plus, the people or cars weren’t ever in any real danger. But maybe Thad is on to something. Think about it: we will save the engineer’s time, the company’s money, I’m much stupider more daring than they are so I’ll put the vehicle through tests their insurance company/spouse/instinct-to-survive wouldn’t allow them to do. Thad, you genius, you might be onto something. I can see the letter now…

“Dear Dodge. We would like to test the durability of your Ram Runner. We will jump it, increasing the distance in 15-foot increments until myself or the truck is unable to function. This will test the fasteners, u-joints, shocks, driver’s comfort and interior’s resistance to blood. When it breaks -and it will- we will tell you why. C’mon, Chevy kick-flipped a Sonic AND drove it in the mud!”

We’re getting a Chevy Sonic in January. Look for the first ever Sonic 50-50 grind.*

 - Zack K

*Just kidding Chevy.

One man’s trash is another man’s gold. In this case, one man’s film about a limp-dicked psychopath is another man’s tool for amazing automotive comedy. And wow is it amazing. A few weeks ago specs came out on the future Ford GT500, and the blogs lit up with comparisons to Chevy’s brand new but ultimately less-endowed Camaro ZL1. (Chevy took credit for inspiring the GT500′s power. That’s commitment to PR.)

Someone at the fordgtforum YouTube channel wrote a script about the release of the GT500 specs, made it into subtitles and brilliantly laid it over the 2004 film Downfall. In it, Hitler plays the role of Chevrolet itself, referring to auto shows and track times…god damn it’s funny. As a comedy nerd, I stand up and applaud the awesome work of the creator of this. Make the jump to watch.  Just to keep things even, there’s a bonus video where he plays Ford receiving the news that Boss 302 owners can’t get their Track Keys. Enjoy. Just don’t expect your Polish grandma to laugh. Mine didn’t.

Hitler Finds out the GT500 has more Power than his ZL1

Vat do you mean, CARB won’t let them have zer Track Keys?!?!

- Zack K

It appears the old adage “Less is more” was never told to many of the tuners and builders today. Accessorizing, modifying and customizing has been a big part of car culture since the 30s, but its gotten a little out of control. There are cars today that make the cars from Fast and Furious look like a beige Camry. Take the above. It’s a Campagna T-Rex that has been customized by the company Aero3. The changes are all cosmetic, which is fine because a stock alreay T-Rex makes 200HP and weighs 1,000lbs, so it’s fast as hell. It’s cool in a ridiculous, playful sort of way, but I feel this has pushed the visual envelope too far.

The first thought we had when we saw this was, “storm trooper helmet.” There’s ridges and fins and intakes and splitters on the splitters. It’s like a house with 3 roofs. The stock T-Rex isn’t a tame look, but that’s looks dictated by the design of function. If you build a 3-wheeled 2-seater with a ZX-14 motor in the back, its gonna look a little weird. But the somewhat recent trend of adding splitters and vents to everything has gone too far.

Aero3 isn’t the first offender on this, so I don’t want to paint them to be. Mansory of -course- is the worst. There’s tons of other companies that tack on multiple splitters, wide-body fenders and slits, gills and “intakes” on the car with apparently the same tact as your uncle throwing rice at his daughter’s wedding. I love that everyone is pushing the envelope of performance and design. Without breaking limits we wouldn’t know what they are. I just think we’ve found the limit of what looks good with additional bodywork, and what doesn’t. What do you think?

- Zack

"Where I'm from, my people run free." RS5 to CHP officer.

The topic of speed limits comes up in our merry band of arsonists (thanks to Dan Neil for that name) oh; every single time we drive a car. We usually give extra thought and a more “passionate” discussion after receiving speeding tickets. Most of the cars we drive-especially that we make episodes of-are either high-performance cars or expensive cars. Not exactly cars that drive poorly. Yes, they’re fast but they also have good brakes, traction system, air bags, warning lights (which we hate) and good tires. Germany has the Autobahn, proving travel at extremely high speed is safe. We know that won’t happen here, but what about a bump in limits?

Let’s be honest, everyone who drives a car knows in a good car it’s safe to travel above the posted speed limit. Everyone -on highways at least- speeds at least a little bit. I remember learning to drive and asking my dad how fast to go on the highway. He said “65″, to which I replied, “Oh please you never drive that speed. What’s the real number?” I wasn’t asking if it’s ok to max out our Laredo but I paid enough attention when my parents drove to know we weren’t the only families doing 5 over. More

" I wanna go fast."

A lot of people probably think this a silly, dangerous whine that justifies illegal behavior, but now we have evidence. Mwahahaha.

I have two people to thank for this scientific evidence. The first is the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) and the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety (IIHS). The NHTSA recently reported that even though Americans drove more in 2010 than ever, traffic fatalities dropped (2.9%) for the 5th year in a row. They haven’t been this low since 1949. And guess what? The Interstate Highway System hadn’t been built yet. Hell it had barely been thought of. Danger comes with speed; speed with highways, so comparing deaths now to a pre-freeway time is silly.  NHTSA, you get a fruit basket.

So do we!

And the IIHS gave presented my argument with visual aids: a 2009 video showing a head-on crash between a 1959 Chevy Bel Air and a 2009 Chevy Malibu.  They wanted to show people that big, heavy cars are not as safe as we think. People always refer to giant old cars as tanks, but in the video it’s clear you’d rather be in the new Malibu (It’s safer, not cooler). It was done to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the IIHS, but guess what, I’m stealing their gift. If the cars are safer and accident-related death rates are dropping… Right? See where I’m headed?

Click here for director’s cut.

So why can’t we go a little faster? It doesn’t matter if you’re into cars or not and if you have a fairly modern car it doesn’t even matter what it is. A German Ford Fiesta -which can safely go 100MPH- is basically the same as a Fiesta here. In fact, our DOT is even more anal than the Germans and makes companies add all kinds of ugly blinkers and rubber bumpers and crap. And I’m not saying we need an autobahn. But I would like to see some of the well-maintained highways have their limits raised to more realistic numbers. You’re going to tell me a new car with AWD isn’t safe on a new U.S. road  but in Germany it is? And don’t give me the road engineering spiel. For unlimited speeds that matters, but fresh black tarmac is totally safe at 90MPH.

Yeah, you’ll always have your states like South Carolina, known for their strict enforcement. We spent a week there and I’ve never looked at the speedometer so much in my entire life. The normal response to realizing you’re driving 2MPH over the limit is, “Oh. Who cares.” Not there.

But outside these, ahem, slower areas people tend to hover a little over. I think the mentality is that if 65MPH is what the government deems a safe rate of travel, hovering a little above that can’t be dangerous. They wouldn’t set the limit at 65, knowing that cars spontaneously shed all their bolts like a tree’s leaves in a hurricane should the driver go 67. (You’re welcome, Cars 3 for that idea, probably followed by some joke about old cars and losing hair.)

Of course, the fact is not everyone has a new, modern, safe car. Germany has its rigorous TÜV tests, which we don’t have. You can’t raise the limit on the 101 to 75 or 80 because some guy in a 1978 Blazer with a camper shell will kill someone. But what about a higher limit for cars made after a certain year? People might say it’s classist, and they’re stupid, but if you’re travelling in a 2010 Camry with 12 airbags why should you to comply to speed limits decided on cars from 40 years ago or an oil crisis in 1974? Brakes are good now. Cars are basically sticky sleds filled with computers and air mattresses. Getting hit is probably like diving in a pit of Tempurpedic mattresses. The video proves it.

I know it won’t happen yet. Maybe when every car on the road was from 2000 or newer. Maybe. I just hope it happens within my lifetime, because cars will only get better from here. If I’m still have to drive 65 in my 2038 Audi A4 or Corvette, I’ll be fucking pissed.  And since fewer people are dying, we can gamble a bit, right?

- Zack K

Before we begin, I would like to state that I like Honda. I owned one. When I moved to LA I had no money no friends no job so alone I needed to sell my STI and get cheap transport that was reliable and fuel efficient. Answer: Civic. Bought one, did the job. Honda makes reliable, cheap transportation, a formula that-a few hiccups aside- has been working for decades. They are the OG to the young thugs that are KIA and Hyundai. That said…

I do not understand the Crosstour. I don’t know why it exists.  Yes it’s for a niche market. Everyone is trying to build something for a potential high-maintenance discerning customer that may or may not exist. We treat everyone like they’re all hampered by a case of shopping OCD. “Now make sure the cardboard of my to-go cup is vertical, not horizontal.”  These days every company of every industry is trying to cater to a more specifically needy buyer. iPods in every damn color an acid trip can provide. Drinks sized from suppository shots to 72oz “to go” cups. The only place you go with those is to your sadness couch from your humiliation Rascal. Read on..

At first I thought this was the fault of the people. We all have a drive to be individuals, and because we often define ourselves by our things, those things need to be special. Our kids are all incredible and amazing individuals! (Look how different their macaroni paintings of the sun are!) First they made the iPod. Then they made the iPhone. But what if you really like the phone but can’t afford don’t need the phone? iTouch. iShootyourself. We have an incessant need for similar but different. Why do you think we like Cameron Diaz, who is a less-attractive-but-funnier Charlize Theron, who is basically a blond Angelina Jolie?

That’s why the crossover was born. SUV ride height, safety blah blah but drove like a car. They’re more fuel efficient than SUVs, but not by much. If you read my Volvo XC60 review, you’ll know my feeling on these gap-fillers. But the Honda Crosstour and it’s only real competitor, the Toyota Venza, confuse me. I’ll channel an etiquette teacher right now, and just say I don’t find them visually pleasing. But honestly, that’s not my only issue. If I worked that way, I wouldn’t like chili. For me it’s about what’s on the inside. Numbers.

The Honda Crosstour has the same cargo room as the Acura TSX wagon, and 10 cu. ft. less than the CR-V. Put the seats down in the trio, and the Crosstour is 9 cu. ft. behind the wagon and 20 behind the CR-V. Well at least it gets better MPG than…oh wait it gets worse MPG than both of those. See what I mean? You don’t get better fuel efficiency, and the slanted back cuts into trunk space. Last time I checked, moving boxes were…boxes. Want trunk space, lots of room and good gas mileage? Get a wagon. Want to sit up high (for what reason I don’t know)? Get a crossover like the CR-V. But the Crosstour, like the BMW GT, seems to be lost in purgatory.

This is where I run into conflict with Tetsuo Iwamura, the CEO of Honda of North America. He recently expressed disappointment in its sales. I know why. In Sept. of 2011, Honda sold 1,148 Crosstours. To compare they sold 19,604 CR-Vs and 18,000+ Accords. Hyundai sold 6,213 Santa Fes and Toyota sold 3,445 Venzas. Go to the yearly sales and it’s no better.

And here is where my disagreement begins. If the Crosstour was selling well I could shout at the drivers like an old man yelling at skateboarders and retreat into my hovel of contempt, confused as to why it was made but incorrect nonetheless. And in today’s “I want my (insert phone, car, butter knife) to do everything” world I understand why Honda took a blind swing. It’s even supposed to drive better than the Accord or anything from Toyota. But since it’s ratings are as good as that show about the drunk lifeguard and his two care takers, it should go away, right? Wrong.

No refining here. Cancelled after 2 episodes. Maybe Hoff does know best.

Regarding the Crosstour, Iwamura said, “With further refinement of styling and performance, it will be a very good success, a leading model.”

Why try. I’m sure Honda spent a lot of money on this car, and it’s better to take a risk and spend some money “refining” it than kill it and call it a loss, but I can’t understand that. The Venza isn’t selling, probably because it looks like a wagon that eats at Paula Dean’s house. The Crosstour isn’t selling. The ZDX isn’t selling. There’s an area between the normal crossover and wagons that they filled that didn’t need to be. Considering it’s behind on space, MPG and looks, I can’t understand why they will press on.

Now, Matt doesn’t share my opinion on this, which is why we’re going to try to get one to drive and have a little discussion. Perhaps it’ll show me something I’m not expecting. But to me, it will be like a boat that has the captain’s deck on the bottom. Even if it sails just fine it makes no sense to buy it.

Here Honda, I made you some friendship cookies.

- Zack k

Shit, I spelled "tweet" wrong when I ran that red light.

MINI’s new Connected iPhone App is the worst idea in automobiles since the PT Cruiser was offered with feaux wood paneling. Actually it’s worse than that, because that won’t cause thousands of accidents and perpetuate the instant gratification, communication and puppy-dog neediness the flood of social media is creating. This will. Even worse, I saw it coming, and I bet within two years every car will have it.  Read on for figures showing why this idea is so bad, and more ranting.

The big concern with cell phones has been the oh-so-scary demon known as “distracted driving.” Distracted driving (of course) means talking on the phone and texting, but it also includes, eating, drinking, changing radio stations (mp3s, same thing), iPods and even just talking to passengers. It’s great for the CA CHP. They’ve written 283,000 tickets for use of handheld cell phones (as of mid-September 2010). They made buckets of money, sure, but they probably did prevent a lot of accidents.

When I had an old clam-shell phone I could text with one hand without looking, and I did. But with a smartphone with a touch screen, I don’t. It takes my eyes off the road for way too long. So the MINI system seems like the way to have your cake and eat it too, right? Some hot British woman reads your texts and tweets, you stay connected to everything and your eyes stay on the road. Awesome. Except the distraction isn’t from holding a phone to your ear, it’s your brain simply paying attention to someone else. Here’s the definition copied from the DMV’s page:

I laughed pretty hard at number 3. I don’t know how they expect you to drive without looking outside the vehicle, but that’s the DMV; brilliant people. If the NHTSA says simply looking around, or reading (“Wait, is this the Facebook menu or the twitter one…”) how the fuck does anyone think it’s ok for me or you to be driving while trying to come up with a clever tweet, or listen to someone’s inane Facebook status? It’s highly likely whatever it says will have zero effect on your life for longer than 3 seconds and will be forgotten within moments.

“Oh wow! Now I can keep track of Stacy’s level of happiness at work! And I can hear about how big my sister’s new son’s shit was! Oh wow, Zack just made a stupid joke comparing a car to the perineum! Lemme just Google that while I get onto the 405…”

You’re telling me that won’t distract people? How often have you been focused on something  (computer, TV, driving, inner thoughts, that woman’s rack,etc) and someone is trying to talk to you. 10 seconds later you realize they’re talking and say, “Sorry, what’d you say?” It’s not because you were reading, or typing, or talking, but because you were processing information and stimuli. Your brain was using it’s power to analyze a subject, instead of listening.

This is why studies have shown a hands-free device does little to help a driver focus compared to holding a phone to their ear:

Neuroscientist Marcel Just, director of the Center for Cognitive Brain Imaging at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, agrees. Just studied 29 volunteers who used a driving simulator while inside an MRI brain scanner. The volunteers steered a car along a virtual winding road undisturbed or while deciding whether a sentence they heard was true or false.

Listening while driving led to a “significant deterioration in driving accuracy,” Just and his co-authors write in the latest issue of the journal Brain Research. The drivers hit the guardrail and veered out of the center of the lane more often while listening.

In the listening situation, MRI brain scans found a 37% decrease in parietal lobe activity. The parietal lobe is associated with spatial processing, so it is critical for navigation. Activity also decreased in the occipital lobe, which processes visual information.

Apply that to your average driver and the result is going to be bad. Apply it to your average twitter/Facebook junkie (people that would stare at their phone while skydiving if they could) and you have more accidents than an Asian girl’s sweet 16 party Danica Patrick after 3 cups of Jesus juice. The people that have to have these updates are probably bad drivers already. This will easily undo any accident prevention. I understand we want to be connected, and in many aspects of life technology has been priceless (Iranian protest, efficiency, porn). But this is a place where we need to think ahead about what we put in cars. You can’t simultaneously complain about distractions and then put this in. It’s a bad fucking idea.

Besides, MINIs are supposed to be driver’s cars, not a social network wi-fi hot-spot.

“This….this is wrong.” – Dark Knight

A few weeks ago I was listening to Adam Carolla’s podcast, “The Adam Carolla Show.” Adam was doing his thing, ranting about the world, and today his brain fixated on gasoline leaf blowers. Between the repetitive gay jokes and Mexican racism, I learned parts of California have banned the use of gas-powered leaf blowers. I had no idea. I was born in CA, currently live in LA and I see these things everywhere, never giving them much thought. Every Saturday the gardener busts out one of these noisy, droning machines (“Los gringos are hung-over. I think I’ll spend extra care near the windows.”)  and uses his expertise to move leaves and dust from one corner of the yard to the other and blow things around in the street.

Adam talked about the emissions from a gas blower being several times worse than a car. I made a point to look this up when I got home. Then I forgot that task, and probably ate something while watching an episode of Top Gear for the 11th time. Thankfully, Jason Kavanagh of Edmunds’ Inside Line just completed a great article in which he tested a leaf blower to see how bad it really is. To compare, he used the car Al Gore probably prints onto handgun targets: The Ford SVT Raptor. He also threw a Fiat 500 into the mix, to see where a small-displacement car would line up. You can read the whole article here, or make the jump for a more concise version.

I’ll explain the test as briefly as possible.” Thorough” and “controlled” would be massive understatements. The testing was Performed at the Automotive Research Center in Diamond Bar, CA. Judging by the strict level of testing parameters the guys that work at this place are probably not the dudes you’d want to get a beer with. Each car undergoes a 24-hour pretest inspection so lengthy and detailed Edmunds didn’t mention a single step. Then, the cars are then hooked up to a bunch of tubes and suction devices and put on a dyno and run it through 3 phases:

Phase 1: Cold start and run for 505 seconds.

Phase 2: (Continues from the cold start) Run at constant speed for 864 seconds.

Phase 3: Warm start, run for 505 seconds.

The big, expensive machine analyzes their exhausts and prints out numbers.  Easy right? Probably. But it’s far from relaxed. If you let the RPM go out of a tight range, they have to start over, including the 24-hour pretest inspection. God help the technician that messes that up, because I’d strap him to those tubes and make him turn the drums by hand.

Now for the players and the results of their air-born STD testing. The Ford SVT Raptor weighs 6,200 lbs. and makes 411HP. A gigantic 11MPG beast of a vehicle. We put thousands of miles on ours per month. I’m sure every Prius driver looks at us like a hemorrhoid on the ass of the porn star known as Earth, especially in the city. If we didn’t use ours for actual work, I’d half agree. Just look above. The Raptor is kicking dirt in the face of the planet. What a dick, right?

Next up is the Fiat 500. The newest contender to the Mini’s “OMG IT’S SOOOOO CUTE!” throne. It’s tiny, light (2,350) lbs. and has a 1.4-liter engine making a uni-ballsy 101HP. It can practically fit inside the bed of a Raptor. And according to the people that build the Smart Car, small appears fuel-efficient. It’s the vehicular “yang” to the Raptor giant 6.2-liter “ying.”

Edmunds chose 2 leaf blowers: a 50cc. 2-stroke Echo PB-500T and a 30cc. 4-stroke Ryobi RYO 9440. I don’t know where those land in the leaf-blower hierarchy, so I will assume they’re both awesome. Yay leaf-blowers.

The machine was analyzing 3 things: Non-methane hydrocarbons (NMHC), oxides of nitrogen (NOx) and Carbon Monoxide (CO). I guess it’s bad to breathe those? Big words, lots of letters, let’s get to the results…

Ohhhh snap! Not only do the leaf blowers poison our air more then Ke$ha’s mouth, the Raptor is cleaner than a Fiat 500. Matt’s response to this fact was, “What?! How?!” The Raptor has a more complex emissions system. SO clean in fact, the air leaving the exhaust pipe was cleaner than the air going in the intake. Think about that the next time you job around for your health. Yeah yeah, the Fiat 500 uses less fuel but try this on for size: The 500 is classified as an LEV-II (Low Emissions Vehicle Level 2), the Raptor gets ULEV-II status, which is better. If there was a waiting list to get a car-pool lane sticker, the Raptor has a lower deli number than the Fiat.

I'm cleaning the air motherfucker!!! Whoooooo!!!

The leaf-blowers are basically the worst thing on the planet. Let’s seeeee the 2-stroke puts out 23 times more NOx and an obese 300 times more CO than a 6-fucking-thousand pound truck. In 6 months of weekly yard work, the leaf-blower farts so much into the Earth’s mouth you’d have to drive the Raptor 3,887 miles to catch up. Even at idle, both leaf blowers were worse than either car. Jason explains,

“You’d have to drive a Raptor 235 miles — stopping every 505 seconds and doing cold restarts — to emit the same level of hydrocarbons as simply idling the two-stroke leaf blower for less than 10 minutes.” – Jason Kavanagh

This is probably better than breathing the exhaust. Maybe.

California gets a bad rap for restricting too many parts of our lives, especially in regards to emission controls, but in this case I think it’s obvious they’re onto something. I don’t want to breath air that’s 300 times more polluted than the exhaust from a vehicle that’s perfectly capable of powering through a field of angry, radiated zombies wearing Lakers gear. I hope more people switch to plug-in blowers. Maybe if you trade in your gas blower the state will give you 300 Raptors?

- Zack K

“It’s much more exciting here than in a Formula One car.” – Ayrton Senna

I believe – and I think the whole TST crew shares my feeling – that F1 and WRC drivers are the best drivers on the planet. I know, bold statement. Next I’ll probably say that humans consider food to be important for living. I’m not saying anything that any sane person wouldn’t say. In F1 you have the sheer speed, power and grip of the cars. Everything happens at the speed of light and if you’re not thinking slightly faster than that, you’ll create an expensive carbon fiber confetti show with a fireball encore. In rally racing, things don’t happen quite as fast, but there’s more variables to deal with: constantly changing surfaces, odd suspension compression, rocks, blind corners, oh my. And don’t forget, if you’re on a wood stage, there’s the added bonus of trying not to think about the thick wooden girders of death that are lining your race track. Slide too far and you will play chicken with a tree, and you will lose.

It is that last line that worries the late Ayrton Senna, perhaps the greatest F1 driver of all time. Senna was a 3-time world champion F1 driver who unfortunately died in 1994 racing in the San Marino Grad Prix. He was the subject of an absolutely incredible documentary, Senna. Even if you don’t like racing, you will love this movie. It’s one of the best films I’ve ever seen, documentary or otherwise. Do yourself a favor and rent it, and everything below will resonate 10 times more. (Also watch our interview with its director.) In this brilliant article by Racecar-engineering.com, author Graham Jones describes (with excellent prose, I might add) the day Ayrton Senna spent learning what it means to drive a rally car. He went to Whales, trying cars of various power levels, drive train and classes, up to a 460HP AWD Ford Escort. (Read on to see how he did, the Senna trailer, and an old video of the rally lessons.)

And you know what? It scared him. I couldn’t believe it. So many F1 drivers have moved on to succeed in the WRC, most recently Kimi Raikkonen, with current slapper of F1 bitches Sebastian Vettle also expressing interest. So I thought this un-earthed article would be filled with Ayrton being proclaimed future rally champion of the world after 5 minutes of driving. He can drive the hell out of an F1 car, so he’s awesome at everything right? I figure a guy like him could perform neurosurgery on instinct alone. But he didn’t. He was scared. He was humble. He called driver Phil Collins a “nut case.”

After that sentence I thought the piece was over. But as the article continues, and Senna listens, trying different cars, getting used to the course, the style, the cornering, and the power… the transformation begins. He isn’t proud or cocky. He asks questions, focuses, and learns. And learns quickly. RCE.com does an excellent job of painting the picture of how a driver of this caliber approaches a new challenge. He goes about it the same way I imagine Einstein would go about learning cooking: Slowly, methodically, recognizing he is out of his element and thus hearing every syllable of advice and immediately applying it perfectly. I mean he is Ayrton Senna. So if he has enough skill to toss a 1000hp F1 car around in the rain, odds are he can figure out rallying. But I was so impressed at how he went about it.

We could all learn something from Senna. You may be great at something, you may be great at a lot of things, but you’re not great at everything. There will be times you try something new, and you’re not as good as you hoped to be. New job, building an addition to your house, cunnilingus, whatever it may be. But rather than get fed up, or worse, over-cook something and crash, take a breath, ask questions, and get a little better each lap. By the end of the day he had it. Collins said, “I would say after a week in a car he would be taking on the World class drivers.” The transformation seems 90% complete. Another F1 driver heading to the woods to play in the dirt. But when asked if he would ever make the leap, Senna replied,

“No. Because the dangers are there as you don’t have the experience and you don’t have the knowledge. The dangers are too big.”

He’s got a point. This man danced with the devil at the limit of traction and rationale, and won races that way. Yet to him, rally racing is too risky. He’s right; I just didn’t expect him to say it. Too bad we couldn’t have gotten him into a Rally-X race. If you have the time for a great read, jump over to the full article. You will feel like you’re standing on the frigid Welsh mud, watching a young genius learn something new.

And go watch Senna. Seriously.

-Zack K

This is one of the sexiest race cars I’ve ever seen. The 1964 Aston Martin DB5 Lightweight Race Car. Dear god is it sexy. I want to say it’s fitting, because it’s an Aston, but really this caught me by surprise. I don’t care whose name is on the front, it’s just incredible to see something made in 1964 that looks this good, while also being purpose-built.

I think road cars are better looking than their racing counterparts. There’s too many wings, too many splitters, too many sponsors and just too many parts. A road-going R10 TDI would be no beauty queen. Sure, the race car will be tough. It will spark a different part of your brain; the part that likes chaos and danger and appreciates ability and engineering. But that’s different than the part of your brain. It’s the difference from enjoying the view of Iceland and the Hoover Dam.

The shape is sexy, of course. James Bond drove one. He’s kind of a big deal, so it’s kind of a big deal. But I think it looks even better here. It’s low stance is more modern, the shape looks slightly shorter, sleeker, and squat. Some of the credit goes to the photographer, who lit this car so well the metal seems to be gentle. The soft royal blue is perfect, even though I don’t know why. Blue is far down my list of preferred car colors. Inside it’s pure race car. Again, so perfectly built and maintained I thought it was a match box car, refusing to believe otherwise. The diamond-quilted leather tranny tunnel cover is the perfect way to remind you this is a fine Aston  Martin, built by men who fancy a nice a motorcar. Racing doesn’t have to exclude class, right gents? Exceptional.

The shape grabbed me, the brand hooked me and the fact that it’s a 390HP race car with 30 years of racing that still wins campaigns today solidified it: this car is absolutely, 1000% in the Smoking Tire Dream Garage. And god damn if you have the $285,000 to pick it up at auction, do so. You have zero excuse not to. I don’t care what you tell me, your reason for passing up on this car will be met with a slap in the face and a scolding. “You BUY that Aston Martin, you understand me?! It’s pretty and fast and rare and old. It’s perfect! Now buy it before I take away your TV privileges, Mister.”

- Zack K

Head over to Hemmings to find out more, and to put in a bid for this car.

*Photos from Hemmings.

"You're nothin' without me."

“”For Mustang fans, you’re welcome. Clearly the Camaro has encouraged Ford to throw everything they can at us.”

That was Al Oppenheiser, Chief Engineer of the Camaro ZL1. This was in regard to the 2013 Mustang GT500, which showed up on the internets sporting a B.F.E. (Think Duke Nukem). 650hp next year. Al is implying that the GT500 wouldn’t be what it is had the ZL1 not come out. Said the battered house wife to her mother, “No, mom, it’s ok. Jerry wouldn’t have punched me if I hadn’t been so silly and gotten mint and spear mint mixed up.” News flash Chevy, Ford will punch you whether you ask for it or not. More scribblings and a short video after the jump …

I guess he thinks Ford was sitting around, playing MW3 and wondering how they can change every model name so it starts with an “F.” (“No Jerry, Fustang won’t work….damn it!”). He thinks they hadn’t even thought of raising the power on the Mustang until someone said “Hey, Autoblog has a video of some Camaro called the ZL1 going really fast on some road call New Burger King?” C’mon Al, you lost (technically). No one is proud of the kid who gets punched and says, “Yeah? I bet your hand hurts though, huh? HA!” The blogs and comments have begun a chicken versus egg argument, but that’s not going to help the bow-tie bearers. The Camaro was gone for several years, and although some argue the 2010 Mustang wouldn’t be what it is if the Camaro SS hadn’t arrived, they’re timing is too close to be a lead/follow situation. Chevy didn’t change the world, it was just their turn in the game of endless pony-car leap frog they play. And, on their first years out, the Mustang GT got more praise in tests. So the Camaro SS didn’t set that bar either, unless you count lining up alphabetically as getting to the line first.

Yeah, well YOU wouldn't have won if it weren't for ME starting it.

As for the ZL1/GT500 game of leap frog, I think Chevy didn’t think Ford was going to leap quite to far. But what were they expecting? The ZL1 has 580HP (which is a lot) and some really awesome chassis and suspension tweaks (it does). They thought that hop forward would give them time to strut their stuff. But this time, Ford got a running start before they jumped. They added 100HP to the GT500. Al’s jaw cracked the breakfast table that day. What did he expect? The last GT500 had 550HP, so the next would have 560? The ZL1 raised the bar, but barely. I’m sure this GT500 had been thought up long ago. Al should just nod to his opponent, and begin developing the next Chevy artillery. I’m sure it will be incredible (*cough*  redesign Camaro *cough*). The ZL1 is a performer, and the next one will be even better. But for now, just admit you were beat.

The competition of building performance cars is a simple game of ping pong. You swing, then I’ll swing, then you swing, then I’ll swing. Ford and Chevy still trade off swinging, Ford just has a stronger and skillful shot now. Maybe the Camaro shouldn’t have sat all those games out.

-Zack K

When I set out to write this article, my main focus was to offer a comparison between Toyota’s legendary AE86 and Mazda’s game changing Roadster. However, the more I tried to pinpoint just why these lightweight FRs are so great, the more I realized why today’s successors just aren’t. Keep reading my fellow ADDers, you will enjoy the article, or your money back!

They say a man can accomplish anything so long as he is confident, and humble. I think this principle applies to cars as well. Now haters, don’t jump to a different article just yet, hear me out. Take the Corvette ZR1, or the R35 GTR for example. Both cars are in-your-face performers with the horsepower and Nordschleife times to backup their bragging, I’m sure you’d agree. Now after I say this, there will be countless fanboys who’ll stop blowing their imaginary ‘Vette to yell mean things at my mother.. but I digress: these cars have no soul. They may be fast, or offer driver involvement (not you R35, move along) but they are not any fun without their horsepower. Sure they can still carve a corner in 6th gear, but would you have any fun doing that? Ok, now imagine that same horsepower you’re getting in 6th being used on your favorite straight. Still sound like a hoot?

"Who cares about fun?! Look how many drag strips I can bench!!!"

The problem (IMHO) with many of the steroidal cars on the market today is that they have something to prove. I almost can’t blame the manufacturers for continuing this stupidity either. Kids and their man-racer brethren argue 0-60 times, Nordschleife lap records, skid pad ratings, and other objective points, like they’re somehow going to prove something subjective, like a car being “better”. Plus, cars like the ‘Stang and M3 have to worry about their market share going to competitors because they have less horsepower. But don’t fret car buyers, some of us in the industry prefer to avoid hostility and just have some fun. Remember, you have nothing to prove, so why give in? I know there is no standard rating to measure fun, but I guarantee its importance.

Before I get too philosophical, I’ll get back on track. What made cars like the AE86 Corolla and NA Miata fun to drive was that they had no competition standards to meet. They had enough power to go slideways, and were light enough to return decent gas mileage in the process. Land Ho!, fun is good for gas mileage. Who would have thought that a fun car doesn’t need to have a Rosie O’ appetite. There were no performance times they needed to beat, or rivals they needed to silence. The Eight-Six was an FR that fit 3 friends, and had a hatch for lugging loot (or tofu) around. You did not need to sacrifice anything to have this fun, mucho respectable ride.

Today we have something similar to that, they’re called hot-hatches. But- and it’s a big, Rosie butt- they aren’t rear-wheel drive. Save for the not-for-America 130i, all of these cars are FFs. This means that while you can still go fast ‘round a bend, you cant do it looking like a badass. Say what you want, but we all want to look cool in our cars. After all, it’s the reason why we buy our cars in the first place. They make us feel good. Sure you can rip that e-brake on the little FWDs, but that skill level isn’t really reachable for anyone who doesn’t constantly practice. Also, MS3s and GTIs are dope, but they’re not great places to start for building a racer. And if there’s one requirement for an affordable cult classic, it’s that it can be transformed into a monster with enough passion and babysitting jobs. Us young-ins don’t like you old farts telling us that we can’t do something, and we put a lot of work into showing you that you’re wrong. And dumb. The Ferrari-slaughtering Supras and Evos speak for themselves.

We also have a new breed of FRs that don’t try to make big hp, like the the Genesis Coupe 2.0T, and the BMW 128i, but they are too heavy. I used to think that a 3200lb Z4 M Coupe was  light and fun, but then I drove the 2300lb NB Miata.. which I then bought. I love driving expensive cars, because they usually drive great, but I also like being able to put my driving gloves on, and go for a session without someone trying to race me. There’s a great group of guys called the Drift Mechaniks that promote keeping drifting fun. I love that. No hate, no bitching, just guys having fun. I’m going to take it one step further: keep driving fun (I know, I’m so clever). I’ll be frank, aside from every materialistic ho on Long Island wanting to chill with me when I drive an R8, the Miata is just as fun. The Yacht, as I call it, is is worse at cornering, braking, and acceleration, but  I do not give a flying one. Truly it is quite strange, but I can assure you, if you’re man enough to pick up chicks without a super car, you will love an adequately powered FR. Low insurance costs, great gas mileage, less tickets, and if you have the sack, the same amount of babe-age.

You may have dismissed my words for a rant, but I truly wanted to show the world that even young men will buy sports cars that don’t have 400hp. This is a good thing, car manufacturers. It means that you can build what you call a mom-mobile, and with the right marketing turn it into a cash cow with college guys. Repeat after me: Rear-drive, lightweight, fun. One more time: Rear-drive, lightweight, fun. It would even do away with all of the purist bullshit about keeping manual transmissions. We like standards not because they suck in traffic, but because they’re fun. Hopefully Lamborghini is onto something with the spank-you-on-the-ass feeling the tranny in the Aventador gives you. I should rephrase that: The transmission spanks you on the ass..

Anyway the goal for affordable, fun, stock cars should be that they be fun on exit ramps. It’s really that simple. If you can give people a car that’s fun within the speed limit, people don’t feel the need to speed. They might want to drift, but I’ve never heard of any high school seniors getting killed because they were sliding in tandem on prom night. It’s easy to feel invincible when the car does all the work like in a drag,  but when you actually go sideways for the first time it’s truly humbling. I say, let’s make fun cars again. We’ll be safer, richer, and happier. The American Dream dead? I think not.

By Adam Totter

Let’s get two things out right now. 1. I hate NASCAR. I’m sure many of you feel the same way. It’s boring, it’s given WAY WAY WAY too much attention on SPEED, and it’s races are attended by people that probably disagree with me on everything from favorite book (“It’s pronounced gun brochure, pretty boy.”) to politics (Must bring birth certificate to receive NASCAR ticket at will-call).

2. I am an angry driver. I’ve never been in an accident but if you are going 64MPH in a 65 zone, I will sit 5 feet off your bumper until you move. Because I feel it’s my job to teach the world how to be more efficient on the road, or die trying. Drive perfectly or I will throw a barrage of hateful yet creative words at your back window with the fury of a WWE wrestler, just without the roids. My anger is 100% organic. (To see the crash clip that caused this rant, and the conclusion, make the jump.)

So when I saw the clip (not the whole race) of Kyle Busch putting Ron Hornaday into the wall on purpose, I kinda got it. Yes he overstepped his bounds, his move was deliberate and over the line. He deserves the fines and DQing he received for it. But I know where his head was at. Hornaday got squirrely passing the slow 07 truck, driven by Idongivafuck Stevens, hit Busch and they both tapped the wall. Adrenaline is high, maybe Busch’s wife hasn’t been putting out and he found out his daughter likes rap music and evolution, and he took that anger out on Hornaday’s rear bumper. I get that. Anyone who has overreacted to a situation knows how fast it happens.

What I don’t get it M&M dropping him as a sponsor for the year. WHY? Because now kids will emulate him in their power wheels and tricycles, and ram their friends into walls at a dangers 2.8 MPH? Too many decisions in advertising are made in the name of image. NASCAR fans probably called Busch’s behavior unacceptable (they didn’t use that word. Probably something like “that’s meaner ‘an a rabid dog in July.”), and doesn’t fit the high moral standard of the sport. But you know who doesn’t care? The people that eat M&M’s: kids. How many kids watched that race? Now how many of them were mad about that crash? Zero. Kids love car crashes. I watched The Blues Brothers to relish seeing 70 cop cars crashed. And I didn’t stop eating toast or wearing sun glasses because of it.

Too much importance is placed on  (assumed) uproar and expected revenue-loss these days. When Janet Jackson showed her titty at the Super Bowl, I bet some Pepsi exec. said “Oooooh I don’t know if we should advertise on the NFL anymore, not if they’re going to be doing this.” Yeah, cuz NFL fans hate naked titties. That’s why no one watches football games at Hooters and NO ONE pays for sex when a game comes to town.

All I’m saying is give the man his M&M’s back. Fans like seeing crashes, so do kids. What Kyle did was a brash, immature and incorrect response to something that was beyond Hornaday’s control. For Mars (owner of M&Ms) to pull sponsorship as a preventative measure is just silly. Shove 2 peanut M&Ms in your empty sack, drink a cup of caffeinated coffee, and let him keep your pretty stickers. No one will give a shit. I promise you.

- Zack K

One thing that often lacks in video reviews or driving videos is driver emotion. Cruise youtube and you’ll see a lot of people talking about cars the way your professor taught you about economics: Factual, direct, maybe some trite joke about cost of beer versus volume to keep everyone awake. Or it’s regular people driving really fast, with the same Terminator face we all wear when we’re trying to not die at the hands of several hundred horsepower.

But something is missing. It’s the feeling cars give us. Simply sitting down in my ERA Cobra makes me smile, laugh and make engine sounds. (But if you watch this, you’ll understand I’m not normal).  To be fair, not every car gives your brain a blowjob. I’m not going to laugh like a maniac while driving a new Passat (probably more tears of shame). But I will in a Caterham. That kind of childish emotional display is part of what makes Top Gear UK so great. It’s the difference between watching Steven Hawking and Chris Tucker commenting on Sophia Vergara’s tits.

That’s why I love this video of Fifth Gear’s Vicky Henderson reviewing the new 2012 Ferrari 458 Spider. I’ve never seen her have so much fun in a car, and that visible emotion tells me this car must be unbelievable.

-Zack K

When we heard the BMW 1M was going to be at TST headquarters for a week, our right feet collectively salivated. It was one of the most anticipated cars of the year. That anticipation was fueled by the simple formula of 135i size+ M3 performance parts + more power – weight= super mega fun time. After driving it, we would describe it with phrases like “Sell my own mother for one.” or “I’m leaving in the 1M for Mexico at 4am. Who’s with me?” Matt took it to his favorite place-an empty canyon- to see if the past year’s hullabaloo was worth it.

I love drifting. I love everything about it. What started as an obsession getting my big wheels and BMX bike sideways spread to every car my parents have ever owned. When I found the sport years ago, I got lost in youtube for hours. One day, after attempting to explain it’s awesomeness to my dad, 26 year old Zack brought his lap top to show him a drifting video. Dad had the same reaction dads have when their 7 year old shows them a super cool rock they just found in the dirt. “Uh huh.”

So when I got invited to go to the final round of Formula D 2011, at Irwindale, it was a no brainer. Make the jump to read about the event, see some of the cars at the show, and a short video showing how it all went down.

But because I’m poor and Monster won’t sponsor me, like Marcus Bachmann watching two male dogs hump, I live vicariously through others. Last Weds. I received a text from a pretty lady, asking if I wanted a pass to Formula D. She works for the ID Agency, who coordinated a lot of the event. Her message was met with tactless “YES!!!” Smooth. Our transportation was…anyone? anyone? Honda Element. There’s no less-drifty car in the world. I know, they built a drift car. I’m not talking about a one-off car with whatever platform a PR firm wanted, I mean the stock car, as god intended it. Still, we fault awesome when we saw this guy on the 10.

This color combo works for pie, that’s it. Maybe a ’55 Chevy, but it’s miles behind any other choice.

Parking was insane, because this event had the biggest turnout yet. 30% more attendees than previous years. Luckily, walking through a parking lot at an event like this is it’s own car show. NSXs, Silvia replicas, Subies, Evos, all on display. There were also lots of shitboxes. The matte black ’89 Accord with a front tow hook was a winner, because the tow hook was probably the most expensive part on it.

The parking lot wasn’t nearly as fun as the cars that were inside the gate. I’ll get to the travesties and hilarity in a second, because I have to masturbate talk about Vaugh Gittin Jr’s 1969 Mustang RTR-X. I know everyone reading this has probably read a ton about it, and it’ll be in our next installment of TST Dream Garage, but I f*cking love this car.

It is one of my favorite cars of all time. It combines the styles of two of my favorite things. I grew up driving a muscle car (and new Mustangs prove the style never dies) but it has some acid-fueled dorifto accents tastefully added on. The wheels and paint look awesome, center stacks are such a sick touch, and the interior is quilted Alacantara. Money willing, I will build a replica of this car. Call me a copy cat, I moved past that within seconds. Dorifto muscle done perfectly.

There’s always some odd ducks at any tuner-influenced event. There was a small group of cars parked near the track entrance. Only about 30 cars, but they were diverse. One of my favorites was this 135i. It was a favorite because although it was barely modified, it became retarded by association. Take a look at the picture.

Tow hook. Big deal right? Maybe he tracks his car. Maybe he drifts it and is worried about hitting a wall. Or maybe it’s just for style. I wish. If it was only for show, I’d smirk but really, who cares? Then I saw the letter in the dashboard.

The letter explains why he has the tow hook. Did he pull a car full of babies out of a river? Did he stack it on the Corkscrew at Laguna, fusing the rear end with the barriers because he’s just that-goddamn-’core?

No. No he did not. He explains that one day, driving on the highway, a piece of debris popped up from the road and hit his car. BUT, all was not lost because thine mighty tow hook hath stopped the flying object. Evil, car-hating gremlins had hurled this missile of evil at the car, and by the grace of Jebus it had hit the car at the exact spot where the tow hook was, and thus, saved him from a costly bumper repair.

It’s not for towing. It’s not for looks. It’s not even the most useless cock ring in the world. He keeps it because once, through the most ridiculous display of luck and chance, something bounced of this 2″ Roman shield, saving his car. And don’t forget, a letter in the windshield means he got asked SO many times “Dude, why do you have a tow hook?” that he felt compelled to write an explanation so that his wind pipes wouldn’t blow out from telling millions of people his ridiculous story. You know, I dress up every year for Halloween. But in the off chance those Kanye West-like sunglasses save me from getting a bit of sand in my eye, I’m not going to wear them for the rest of my life.

There was the usual array of ultra-light Miatas, S13s only I would love and weird “VIP”ed out 2000 Lexuses. And if you thought Lambo doors were over, they’re not. If you want to bang overweight 5s from Asuza, CA, bolt those suckers onto to that Mustang.

After cruising the pits, it was time for the show. We went up to the roof above the suites, easily the best seat in the house.

Well, not seat. Our “grandstands” were made out of left over benches. The foundation? Cinder blocks. They quickly toppled, and were cast aside.

Not to say it was all for naught. The fence was crammed, so I stood on a cinder block for the next two hours.

And I’m glad I did. Looking down on the track is the only way to watch drifting. I’d say it’s one of the few views that is better than TV. TV leaves camera choice up to the director, and if you missed out on Deegan’s donuts at X Games (“What donuts?” Exactly) that can be a gamble. Drifting is about angle, speed, proximity to the other car and close calls. From the roof, you could see it all. We were catching fouls the announcers couldn’t see. And there were plenty. I think every driver nailed a pylon. Car-to-car contact was as prevalent as it probably is in Hong Kong, and former champ Chris Forsberg even ended up doing a backside board-slide with his 370Z on a concrete barrier.

At the end, 8 year veteran Dai Yoshihara was crowned Formula D Champion, piloting his Discount Tire LS-powered Nissan S13 to victory. For me though, it was just about watching each run. A perfect night, great high-speed track, and the best seat in the house. I was absolutely floored at the ability these guys have. Their car control is unbelievable, especially their ability to make up lost ground in a hurry. Vaughn Gittin Jr recently told Matt that drifting is about having as much grip as possible. No where is that more apparent than when a car slips up, loses 7 car lengths, then makes up the distance in about 2 seconds, still smoking the tires. Their ability to place the car around a corner, moving laterally while sliding, is incredible. Watching drift videos is awesome, but if you get a good seat, the combination of smoke and noise makes you focus on another level, and you see it with a new respect. I’ll definitely attend another drift event and I recommend any fan does it at least once.

Because this is the only day off we had all week we weren’t filming,

Cinder block. Australian for grand stand.

but luckily the talented AyalaAndChen put together some sweet time-lapse footage. This event was 30% bigger than last year, which is obvious when you watch the grand stand fill.

Zack K

Cinder block. Australian for grand stand.

…except for me. Here I sit, like a young Clay Aiken watching Porky’s…nothin’.

The way this car is being touted you’d think the internet was about to seizure. First it was “Will they make one?!” then “GM says no ZL1″ and now “We’re fast in Europe bitches!” Now the story (from NA President Mark Reuss) is that this is the fastest production car under $75,000 around the ‘Ring, AKA, “Ford…Ford! Lookit! Lookit my time! Dad’s going to put it on the fridge!”

Make the jump to watch the lap, and why I remain flaccid.

I’m glad GM’s chassis engineering is spreading beyond ‘Vettes and the CTS-V (I miss you V, you never call). I think this attitude and R&D will trickle down. GM’s future lineup could live lives filled with track days and auto-x trips filled with approving nods and high-fives.  And don’t paint me for an Al Gore lookalike, the ZL1 has cool stuff: 580HP, new Magnetic Ride suspension. These are things I like. But on the ZL1, for some reason, I just don’t care.

I’m not anti-American, or anti-muscle car. I drove a 1965 Pontiac Le Mans for 3 years and smiled every minute I was behind the wheel. I love muscle cars. The problem I have with the Camaro is it’s too retro for it’s own good. Few muscle cars had interiors with an art to them, and the new Camaro is the same.  The roof-line still make me feel like a little kid wearing a 10 gallon hat. It’s like playing peek-a-boo with traffic.

I don’t mind muscle cars being imperfect, as long as their old. My old car had blown springs, heavy steering, zero lateral support, bad MPG, no heater, poorly sealed doors and required someone in a reflective jacket with glow-in-the-dark batons to help me park it. But that’s all ok, because it was made during the era of rotary phones, when cigarettes were smoked while jogging and people poured scotch on their cereal without hesitation.

But with the auto industry being flooded with new and better competition, it’s not ok. It’s the 30 year old friend that still has a beer bong and shouts “Pussy!!” in your ear if you buy a bottle of wine. This will put Chevy at the top of the muscle car war, at least until Ford unveils their 2013 GT500, but that’s not even the point. The foundation was flawed.

Look, the development is a great thing. The drive-line and suspension tuning should will only mean better cars in the future. The bow-tie-bred will snap them up (yet 99% will never hit an apex) and shake their dicks at every Mustang they see. But to me this is the same as Hollywood kidnapping Margaret Cho for a make-over. They may be able to turn her body into a clone of Angelina Jolie’s, but there’s still a problem: she’s Margaret Cho.

I’d rather spend my money on this.

- Zack K

Vaughn Gittin Jr., Tanner Foust, Matt, Ken Block, and Brian Deegan

The Ford marketing department’s pimp game has been especially tight in the last couple of years. And I should know, as I, despite my journalism street cred, have been a part of it more than once. Back at our old show, Garage419, we were offered one of the “Fiesta Movement” cars for 6 months, which we turned down, because we didn’t feel like filming the same car over and over for half a year. Nevertheless, the Fiesta Movement was a huge success, leading to millions of minutes of online video coverage promoting their new small car. A year ago, I took part in the Ford Focus Rally, essentially a version of “The Amazing Race” by the same producers, except instead of public transportation we drove 7,000 miles in Ford Focus Titanium’s. (For the record, yes I got paid to participate, which is why I will not review the new Focus). It was a reality show on the surface, but more likely a not-so-subtle month-long commercial for the Focus, as many of the car’s features were integrated into challenges. This brings us to Ford’s newest plan: The Octane Academy. It’s a chance for young, aspiring action sports athletes to compete against each other, on television, while under the patient guidance of four of today’s hottest motorsports stars.

For some reason, (I’m guessing it’s because I had to drive 7,000 miles with the cruise control set to 60 on the Focus Rally) Ford decided I should be included in their Media Invitational, and even be allowed to drive fast on their test track while competing against 19 other journalists for the Octane Academy Invitational Gold Medal (no shit, they had medals.) And I almost won, but, as usual, screwed myself. It’s a long story, but don’t worry, I made it extra awesome for you. Hit the jump to read on.

The Octane Academy Invitational (OAI from here on out), was broken down into 6 disciplines: Stage Rally with instructor Ken Block, Stunt Driving with instructor Tanner Foust, Off-Roading with instructor Brian Deegan, Drifting with instructor Vaughn Gittin Jr., and playing racing video games, while drunk at a bar. If you know me, you know that I’m friends with all these guys and they are all ridiculously busy, so the chance to hang out with them all at once was not to be missed, especially when I am given the opportunity to learn from their incredible talents behind the wheel. And if you follow me on Facebook, you’d know that as I boarded a plane for Detroit, I wasn’t thinking about driving lines on the rally stage or how to beat 19 other journalists. I was thinking about my strategy for getting Tanner as drunk as possible. I love drunk Tanner.

Discipline 1: Racing Simulator – Rochester Mills Beer Co

The first challenge was simple: Play two video games and set a lap time as close to the Pro’s time as possible. Ken laid it down in Dirt2 and Vaughn set his time on Willow Springs in Shift2. If you’ve ever seen The Car Show, that other show I host, our home track is Willow Springs, so I was confident I could do well here. Unfortunately, “video game” Willow looks absolutely nothing like real Willow, besides the general layout of the track. Still, I was able to get within 4 seconds of JR’s time, having never played the game. I clearly wasn’t drunk enough, and neither was Tanner, so I went back to the bar.

If you asked me to choose between drinking and playing video games while at a bar with my friends, video games wouldn’t even come in fourth out of two. So I forgot to play Dirt2 because I was busy feeding Tanner shots, and who cares anyway, because it’s not real driving.

Tanner called it quits around 2AM, but myself and Bill Caswell, of $500 rally car fame, kept on going until 3. I made it to the morning briefing. Caswell didn’t. Pussy.

Discipline 2: Off-Roading – Michigan Proving Grounds Raptor Test Track

We arrived at the wet, muddy Raptor course in a 15-passenger van that was being driven like it was on a stage rally by a small, unassuming woman, and all pre-concieved notions about what it takes to be  a driver went straight out the window. Who’d have thought seeing over the steering wheel wasn’t a requirement? After a brief safety talk from a Ford staffer, Brian Deegan gave us all some hot laps around the track in a Raptor Super Crew, which included a rather large jump. The track was extremely technical and slippery, and even with the truck in 4×4 with the differential locked, every turn was a full drift, sometimes into the grass or vegetation on either side of the track. Deegan would later admit, “There were definitely some cases on that track when I was not in control.”

Then, I was disappointed. We wouldn’t be racing each other flat-out on the course. Instead, we would be using a section of course with cones laid out on it, and would have to reverse through the series of cone-gates using only the backup camera as a guide. I was as annoyed this time as I was when they made us do the exact same thing on the Ford Focus Rally, except that was on an autocross course… at Laguna Seca. In all fairness though, I was the only Raptor owner among the group and I’m sure that, were we allowed to run free, several trucks and possibly lives would have been written off that day. Everyone knows most automotive journalists can’t drive for shit, but half the group were lifestyle journalists, what would they do with a Raptor? I know, total it.

I watched several of the lifestyle journalists go through the course in reverse, and they were so slow, that eventually 0-60 writer Alex Bernstein and I started comparing their times to the length of Stairway to Heaven. One didn’t make it. By the time I got in the Raptor, I just wanted to go fast, reverse or not. So I mashed it, and started murdering that course. Then, of course, my lead foot got the best of me and I missed a gate, basically disqualifying me. Oh well, at least I had tried to go fast.

Reversing Winner: Some really hot Asian girl named Victoria. Don’t remember who she wrote for, because I only remember the important parts. But still, Asian girl winning a driving contest? Respect.

Discipline 2: Stunt Driving – Michigan Proving Grounds Wet Skidpad

We arrived at the VDA (That’s Vehicle Dynamics Area, or Skidpad) and I was immediately impressed. It was 45 acres square, with nothing to hit and an irrigation system that can evenly cover the whole thing with between a half-inch and 2 inches of water. Very trick. On the far side, I could hear JR drifting Mustangs. As we approached the Stunt area, I saw Tanner, laying on the ground by a Focus. He may have beaten me at life, but last night, I definitely beat him at drinking. Now, I know something about Tanner Foust that not many people know. He isn’t exactly a good passenger. He was instructing me at Willow Springs last year, and even though I wasn’t driving all that hard, he still had to stop after 2 laps at a time because he gets motion sickness. And now he’s teaching stunt driving. Hung over. Ouch.

Our mission was to perform three tasks on a wet skidpad: Using a 2012 Focus Titanium with all the sensors and fuses disconnected, we had to do a reverse J-turn into a box, a high-speed 360 into a box, and “kick” a 6-foot soccer ball into a goal using the nose of the car. I knew I could handle all this stuff, so I went first to spare Tanner unnecessary spinning. I learned the J-turn a couple months back at Bondurant, so that was a one-timer. The 360 requires a series of steps that you have to complete while a car is spinning around, so the key is to not get distracted. It goes like this:

- Drive 60 mph in a straight line

- Crank the wheel hard left while yanking the parking brake only. Hold the button down so it doesn’t lock.

- When the car gets to almost 180 degrees, drop the parking brake, shift into Neutral and crank the wheel full-lock the other way

- Shift into drive, straighten the wheel, and floor it.

It’s not all that difficult, and it only took 2 tries to get into the box. I then scored a goal using a Focus, for a perfect stunt driving score. Others said this challenge was the most difficult, because of the technical nature of the steps while spinning, but I guess my brain processes stuff like this easily. I learned later at the awards ceremony that Tanner did a total of nearly 130 spins as a passenger in that Focus, and managed not to vomit. Incredible.

Stunt Driving Winner: Matt Farah. Damn right I won stunt driving.

Discipline 3: Stage Rally – Michigan Proving Grounds “Dry” Dirt Course

I was really excited for this. After attending the DirtFish Rally School earlier this year, I was fully hooked on rallying and welcomed the opportunity to play in the dirt. Unlike the Raptor track, we would actually be allowed to drive flat-out here in rally-prepped Fiestas from the Team O’Neil Rally School. A one-mile stage was set up with a few chicanes, a slalom, and some fast sweepers, and first, Ford’s WRC driver and world-famous Gymkhana artist would show us a hot lap in the Fiesta R2, a 175 horsepower, gutted, caged, and sequential’ed factory rally car. Ken doesn’t talk much when he drives, so I just watched his line and braking style on corner entry, and tried to remember his moves.

We would get one practice lap and then two timed laps on the stage to set a time. Ken’s time in the R2 was 1:50. Our “target” time was 2:20. There would be a 3-second penalty for each cone hit, and there were probably over 150 cones on the course. Since I had no idea the time difference between our Fiestas, which were basically stock with an exhaust, roll cage, harnesses and snow tires, and his, I went on my practice lap with no expectations. Unfortunately, my experience in the AWD Subaru’s used at Dirtfish bit me in the ass, as a FWD rally car behaves completely differently. The good news is Tim O’Neil and one of his instructors, “Fast Eddie,” were there to help. I had to enter corners much slower, but I could start my braking later and hold it longer. I also had to use the power to stop the car from sliding, instead of to cause a slide.

On my first timed lap, I thought I had it, but I went into the last corner way too hot and went sideways. I had to make a 3-point turn to get through the gate, and somehow I still ran a 2:18. Tim and Ken reminded me that in a FWD car, I need to enter corners much slower than I would in an AWD car, and even though it felt weird, would make faster lap times. I guess it worked, because the next time around, I ran 2:04, the fastest time of the day. I hit one cone for a net time of 2:07. Either way, this was the most fun I’d had all day and would gladly stay here doing laps until I ran out of gas. I tried to get Ken to run just one lap in the same cars as us, but, unsurprisingly, he wouldn’t bite. Considering how much of the course I ran totally flat, I didn’t see much room for time improvements, but I’d bet Ken could shave another 5 seconds off no problem.

Stage Rally Winner: An Englishman whose name escapes me also ran a 2:04, but without the cone penalty. I was this close. But the clear highlight (or low-light as it were), definitely went to a journalist that managed to roll one of the Fiestas on the stage. It landed on its wheels and he kept driving. It goes to show you that even if a car feels unbelievably slow, someone will still find a way to wreck one. Amazingly the only damage to the Fiesta was on the passenger door and roof, it was mechanically perfect.

Discipline 4: Drifting – Michigan Proving Grounds Dry Skidpad

Drifting is one of those things that professionals make look incredibly easy, but it really isn’t at all. It’s actually really hard. In order to show us how easy it is for him, Vaughn, or JR as I call him, took us for a hot-drift lap in a 2011 V6 Mustang. He chucked it into a corner at 90 mph and maintained a huge drift of at least a 500 foot radius before tightening it up into a drift slalom and a quick 180 into a box. Seriously impressive stuff, and he doesn’t even look like he’s trying. The challenge seemed simple at first, but as you will see, was anything but. We’d each get 5 minutes to practice drifting before competing to see who could perform the longest drift around a 200 foot circle. Up until our group, the last of the day, everyone else’s drift had been measured in feet. Our goal was to get measured in laps. Now, I can kick a car sideways around a corner no problem. But I’ve never had the space nor the tires to practice long, extended drifts like the pros do. And, the car they have provided us is an Automatic-equipped 5.0L 2011 Mustang GT. It’s much easier to get a car sideways with a manual transmission, since you can clutch-kick it in second gear, but some people at the event couldn’t drive stick. For me, the auto felt like a disadvantage. But I’m a good student and JR is a good teacher, so I kept an open mind and tried to listen to his advice. Here’s how to drift a circle, according to JR.

- Enter the circle with the engine around 3,000 RPM in first gear

- Turn away from the circle to offset the car’s weight, then mash the gas as you turn into the circle. If you don’t steer enough or hit the gas hard enough, you will get understeer in a stock car.

- When the rear end brakes loose, get off the gas completely and let the car settle in the slide. Most people make mistakes here, including me, by not getting off the gas enough. If you stay in it, you spin.

- Let the car steer itself into the drift. You can actually let go of the wheel here as the car is going sideways, and literally “catch the drift” when the back end gets to the right angle.

- When the wheel and back end are at the right angle, catch the wheel and apply just enough throttle that the car maintains the angle. Too little throttle, it will straighten out. Too much, and it will spin completely.

I can honestly attest to the fact that this is much easier said than done. But, like anything else, half a day of practice would result in a huge improvement. (Is this where I mention I’m going to Bondurant for private drifting lessons next week?). And even after just 5 minutes of practice, which is 6 or 7 spin outs and one understeer, I managed to hold a drift long enough for 1 complete lap of the circle. Not bad. Until Alex Bernstein from 0-60 showed up.

Drifting Winner: Alex ripped of six full laps around the 200 foot circle with only 5 minutes of instruction. Very impressive. He and I were the only two people all day to complete 1 or more laps, but man did I get smoked on that one.

The Results: “King Dorifto” Alex Bernstein took the whole thing, for getting good scores all around and just murdering the drift challenge. I managed to finish 4th overall, with a first place in Stunt and second places in Drift and Stage Rally. My DQ from the off-road reversing challenge didn’t make that big a dent in my score, but after the awards ceremony, I learned how I fucked myself: I finished 6 points out of First place, and 2 points from the Podium. Had I played the other video game, Dirt2 at all, even if I set the worst lap time ever, I would have gotten 10 points and first place overall. But no, I was force feeding Tanner Foust alcohol. At least I had my priorities in order, and took this picture at about 2 am the night before driving:

So that’s my story. But here’s the best part. It can be your story too. That’s right, the whole point of my going out there and having fun was to tell you that you can go out there and have fun. But it’s not easy. So far over 6,000 videos have been submitted, and only 32 will be chosen to participate in the actual Octane Academy. But if you think you have what it takes to be the next action sports star, hit up the Octane Academy website and get on board!

-Wait til Lil Jon auto-tunes it for the 2013.-

As every 80′s action star ever implied by wiping blood from his lip as he pushed himself up off any non-descript floor in any nameless, repetitive bar: “Now, I’m pissed.”

The new BMW M5 pipes it’s lovely engine note into the cabin to make the driving experience better. That’d be fine except they send it through the speakers. Yes, the fucking speakers. The same vessel that carries Lil Jon’s alcoholic propaganda (oops, I meant to write “songs”) and whatever shit the latest 16 year old pop-star/future-barista happens to be shitting out that week, is basically playing background music to the tune of the tachometer. Make the jump to join my angry mob.

“The Active Sound Design technology specially developed for the new BMW M5 takes its cues from the driving situation at any one time to deliver an accurate reproduction of the engine’s sound through the car’s audio system.”
I don’t care. It’s wrong. The same way saying a perfect sex robot is as good as the real thing would be wrong. Real always beats synthetic.  I don’t care if that microwaved banana feels just like the inside of Linda Friday, it’s not.

You know what else makes an accurate reproduction of the engine’s sound? THE *$&&@#* ENGINE.

When McLaren added some sort of sound tube to the MP4-12C (right before customer delivery, mind you), it was to carry in some more noise to make the driving experience more fun. I think they could have addressed that long ago with a rare jewel I call “mufflers”, but better late than never.
But this is too far. You might as well put in a CD with a choice of engines. “So what if it’s an M5? I always wanted to hear an Enzo at full clip. Put the Enzo CD in.” This is wrong. This is unacceptable. This car is probably fantastic. The simple phrase “twin-turbo V-8 M5″ is enough to get my approval. But I expected better than this, and from BMW especially.

BMW's new sport exhaust.

An ultimate driving machine wouldn’t dare have a synthetic MIDI file for it’s soundtrack. Engine noise is supposed to be it’s own entity. It plays all the time, no matter what. It’s always the same volume, and it only gets muted when you turn the car off. What if your Harmon/Kardon speakers go bad? What if I adjust the bass in the car to my personal liking? Will it cut into the actual music? This is the dumbest f$*$ing thing I have seen on a car since I saw a ’75 Impala with monitors mounted behind the rear seat-backs. Not facing the trunk, facing said seat-back. This is worse than that.

BMW, driving is about an experience. It’s about your mind, body and soul all getting something from the car and how it’s being driven. The constant development of semi-auto transmissions, TC systems that turn you into a D1 pro, and suspension so good you could cover the ‘Ring in cobblestones and not lose a second , have whittled all feeling  away. One thing that seemed impossible to ruin was the sound of a good engine. A V-8 from the 60′s sounds just as good as any modern philharmonic-ally-tuned exotic. It’s a simple pleasure that we all relish. It makes heads turn, women giggle or scream, and makes us do nasty things.

But this is wrong, and there’s no excuse for it. It’s not like you have an electric power train that needed a sound track. You had a great orchestra in the engine bay, and you auto-tuned it. An ultimate driving machine wouldn’t dare have a synthetic MIDI file for it’s soundtrack. The M5 should have been in the idea meeting for this and reacted like Pam Anderson’s brown eye to Tommy Lee, “Hell no, keep that shit out of me.”

I would like to call the superheroes of the aftermarket world to a) Develop exhaust for this car (done, I’m sure) and b) Find a hack to erase this stupid software. This system goes against the very reason we buy car exciting cars. BMW should be ashamed. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go have some angry sex while I listen to someone else having angry sex through Bose noise-canceling headphones.

-Zack K

Forza 4

I know what you’re going to say: “Video games? On an automotive site?” Well, let me start off by saying that, like Matt, I’ve never been a big gamer. It wasn’t until I was 15 that I got my first gaming system, a Playstation bundle pack my family got with the new TV. It came with one game: Gran Turismo. It was like nothing I’d ever seen before. I loved the fact I got to drive real cars, and not some made up space karts with turbo boosters. I loved the fact that it was the most realistic racing game I had ever played. I was amazed by the graphics (1998, haha) and sounds of the game. Needless to say, I was hooked. I played that game until my thumbs were sore.  I remember waking up early before school , just to drive my hard earned Formula 1 car around the Nürburgring. Then it all changed. Somewhere between going off to college and discovering the fairer sex, I lost interest in video games. Sure, occasionally I’d sit down to play some racing games with friends, but was never really as enamored with them as when I first sat down with that revolutionary racing game I grew up with. I lost interest and focused more on actual driving and having fun behind the wheel of a REAL car. More after the jump.

Fast forward a few years and many speeding tickets later, and I find myself in today’s digital world. It seems to me that every video game out there is either some post-apocalyptic aliens-are-taking-over-Walmart shooter or a new karaoke pokemon breakdance party game. Not exactly my cup of tea.

So you can imagine my hesitation when I got a phone call asking if I’d like to review the new Forza 4. I actually had played Forza 3, and while it was fun for a quick race, I didn’t get the full experience since, well, I don’t own an Xbox or have any friends that regularly play the game.  Something though, maybe it was the rumors I had heard of Top Gear’s involvement, sparked my interest and I decided to check it out.

Boy was I glad I did. From the moment you turn on the game for the first time and hear Jeremy Clarkson’s introduction, you know it’s not just another racing game. Forza 4 has literally revolutionized the racing game as we know it.

The graphics are absolutely stunning. Not only featuring an all new lighting engine, Turn 10, the games developer, actually brought in Hollywood lighting experts as part of the development team.  Racing around Laguna Seca in an M3 GTR looks as though you’re actually watching HD coverage of an ALMS race, and not sitting on the couch in your boxers. Also, using Kinect’s Head Tracking system, the camera actually pans its view based on how you naturally look into the corners when hard charging an apex.

Turn 10's Creative Director Dan Greenawalt

Turn 10, the developer behind the Forza franchise, spent a lot of time listening to the enthusiast community and using their input throughout the development process, and it shows. With more than 80 manufacturers represented in the game (sorry, still no Porsche), Forza 4 features the most diverse grouping of cars I’ve ever seen in a game.  From obscure JDM cars you’ve probably never heard of, to the Teutonic giants of the Nürburgring, there’s something for every gearhead in this game. That diversity lends itself well to Forza’s already huge Xbox Live network, where you and your friends can create your own Car Club, bringing together the best drivers, tuners and customizers from the Forza community. As part of each club, you have the ability to share cars, so if I have a perfectly set up AE86 drift car, you can take that on the (very Initial D-esque) downhill mountain road, while I use your Veyron to slaughter track day heroes at Sebring. Microsoft’s innovative Kinect system also comes into play in the new Autovista mode, which not only features commentary by Top Gear’s Jezza himself, but also the ability to walk around, look at engine bay details. Kinect’s Head Tracking system, in game play, even pans the camera view based on how you naturally look into the corners when hard charging an apex.

To get down to brass tacks, Forza not only looks and sounds the part but also drives like no other game available. With vehicle dynamics developed directly with Pirelli, using their actual real world test results as data, the physics of the game are simply jaw dropping. Using a force-feedback wheel, you can literally feel the cracks in the pavement as you fly into the first chicane on the Mulsanne straight. One of the best parts of Forza 4 though, is the ability to custom tune your gaming experience. While Forza is equipped with a physics engine bordering on professional simulation, and graphics modeling on par with movie CGI, the game still features a plethora of driver aids, steering and brake assists available, so that even the most casual player can race.

In short, Forza 4 is an amazing game. It combines the polish and design needed to attract today’s gaming community, but still offers part of the visceral sights and sounds that car enthusiasts love. While we live in an age where teens are getting their licenses later and later, with a steady declining interest in cars, it’s games like Forza 4 that will hopefully bring them back around.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a Ferrari 330 P4 to whip around the Nürburgring. Aids off.

- Daniel Volz

At 9 P.M. the two girls in my back seat were still screaming and I couldn’t help but crack a smile. No fear, you Dexter-obsessed weirdos, they were having fun. With second gear about to explode, I carved the black e34 M5 into the wide, right-sweeping corner, touched the brakes, and guided it around the smooth ribbon of forest asphalt. The tach read seven grand, and I shifted to third gear. The girls were still giggling and hollering in the gray bucket seats behind me. Who knows, they may have been tickling each other in between make out sessions (pervs) but my peripheral-view guess showed otherwise. It’s almost twenty years after e34 M5 production ended, but it’s still sexy and driving strong. Plus the girls said it was “bad-ass” that I drove a stick. God damn, girls are getting easy to impress.

Let’s backtrack. This week, my friend Amy and her sorority were having their Winter Formal. It’s the kind of party that girls fantasize about, and the guys think is like Van Wilder. They’re actually cliquey and kinda suck. I should rephrase. They’re not for me. Continuing: Now usually the girls’ dates drive them, but because of some high school-esque drama, a driver was needed. Fucking Greek-life. This is where I come in. As a sucker for real-wheel-drive adventures, I didn’t mind picking up the ladies from their apartments to drive them to the local venue. Was it necessary for me to dress as a chauffeur? It was not, but I felt like a less impressive, caucasian Kato. And hailing from Caucasia  may not be as cool in the car scene as being from real Asia but I digress.

My limo of choice was a Jet Black 1991 BMW M5. The car had just been shipped from sunny California and arrived at my house in New York with 95,000 mi on the clock. Usually buying a used car this old means over 150k on the clock and a myriad of problems. Not so with this old-school autobahner.  Powered by the S38 3.6L inline-six from the Golden Age M1 supercar, the M5 pumps out 310hp at the crank. Being a driver’s car, the hand-built E34 M5 came standard with a five-speed manual transmission, revs to 7500rpm, and can accelerate to 60mph in around six seconds. That’s correct, my party would be Ronin themed.

Twenty years after the super sedan debuted, these specs may not seem that impressive, but imagine how ludicrous it must have been to drive this car when it was new. To give some perspective, if BMW used a race engine for the new M5 it would have about 700 horsepower. Hans and Wolfgang at Motorsport were bonkers in the late 1980s. Maybe they had a bit too much hefeweizen and schnapps. Or German escorts… I hear they’re mean. The only  turnoff i have with the M5 is its unbelievably German interior. If Siggy Freud was reincarnated inanimately, he would be an M5 interior. It’s very purposeful and calming, but just so damned boring and void of personality. While the four bucket seats are perfect for long journeys, the annoying absence of any cup holder is further highlighted by the six ashtrays peppered like buckshot throughout the cabin. Ze Germans do love their cigarettes.

*stock photo*

Now to the story: Outside my Penn State dormitory I park the car and head up to my room. The Lego-like curvature of the boxy E34 sticks out like a ‘90s rat-tail at a BET function. Inside my cliched-looking dorm room, I tie my bow-tie, polish my glossy black Bostonians, and put on my matching jet black hat and suit on. I shave my beard but leave my mustache unscathed, to further emphasize the 1990s theme I had going. Some people even said that I looked dapper. Those same people may also have been imaginary. I looked many things, but dapper was not one of them.

Around 8 P.M. I get a call from Amy saying that she and her girlfriend were ready to be picked up. I grab the worn key fob, lock my door, and leave for the parking lot. I twist the key in the ignition, and fire the six cylinders to life. It takes a special kind of car to drown out its exhaust with its engine rumble. Damn, I love the sound of a BMW i6. It’s just so smooth, right up until redline where it wants to go Chernobyl. Too soon? Any AMG can sound loud and menacing, but this M car was made for the man who wanted some leather in his cruise missile. Subtle, unassuming, and docile, the Dr. Jeckyl M5 is happy to be used for errands and soccer practice. However, with 300+ bhp and skinny tires out back, the car beckons to be tossed sideways. I ponder how sorority girls feel about roller coasters.

On my way to Amy’s apartment, the M5 is very comfortable in lower revs, despite its torque curve not setting in until 4k. The S38 under the hood is taking a break from its usual cougar noises to bellow monotonously on the one-way road, College Avenue. Within minutes I arrive at the apartment complex where she lives. Pulling up in front of her door, I leave the car running while I get out to ring the doorbell. Amy and her friend emerge high-heel wielding, and made-up. Classy isn’t the right word, but the girls look pretty, and are eager for me to walk them to the car. As we approach the limo, I open their doors and escort them into the backseats. It took them some time to figure out how to sit down without exposing their drunk selves, so I got in the driver’s seat and waited patiently. Note to female readers: wearing underwear does not make you unattractive when you go out, it just prevents issues with sitting down. Then again, keep doing what you’re doing, no one is complaining.

Our destination is nearby, and is easily accessible from the highway. We have plenty of time before the girls are expected at the event. Let’s hit some twisties. Looping around the picturesque collegiate village, we find my yellow-brick-road, Rt. 550. The secluded swirl of tarmac, known as Rattlesnake Pass had gone the way of Rt. 66; Its scenic beauty was sacrificed for a more direct roadway. The recently paved road is buttery and winding, has a high speed limit, and is skinny enough to allow just one lane in each direction. To be clear, 550 runs directly through the woods, on the mountainside, and then swings through the farmland at its finish line. Rednecks and hoons rejoice; this here’s a winner.

As we approach the right-hand turn onto the route’s entrance, our conversation about Black Swan is interrupted by Led Zepp’s “When the Levee Breaks” (Note: They brought up the lesbian scene, not me). Down to second gear, I rip back the gear lever in chainsaw-startup fashion. Prehistoric snarls explode from the front-hinged bonnet and evoke some yells from my pretty passengers. All four wheels grip the asphalt like sticky tack and the lateral Gs squeeze the backseat co-eds tightly. Into the first section, I terminate second gear and pull hard into the series of esses.

The Bimmer wails under full acceleration then wiggles slightly as I hit the massive brakes.  Diving forward and into the curve the M5 want’s more than I can give. Left, right, left, the landscape whirrs past and we navigate the passage with ease. At 8:45 pm, the girls start giggling -you guessed it- like school girls. As their maestro-chauffeur, I offer the girls some cool water from up front. I didn’t know if they were thirsty, but their swift response, “Watch the road!” suggested they were not.

With a steady pace, we chug briskly up a small hill, and cling like velcro in the descent. The first and only left-handed corner comes into view. The M5’s buxom rear end swings out like a ballet dancer, and prances around the bend. After a few more exciting corners, we pull over to marinate. Despite the unclean roadway and secluded environment, the car still looks clean. It has dirt on it, yes, but It’s a refreshing sign of life for a car that most other owners keep garaged garage. With only a few thousand e34 M5s imported to North America, it makes for a rare and enjoyable ride. Despite their non-existent automotive enthusiasm the girls loved it too. It was comfortable and luxurious, even 20 or so years after production ended, and made them feel special.

As we enter the old Pennsylvania city, the M5’s boxy figure meshes oddly well with the plethora of pickups and old Suburbans. We motor towards the catering hall, bouncing engine notes off the rustic, bricked buildings. I pull up to the front entrance, get out of the car, and let my passengers out. They thank me for the ride, and tell me that they almost pissed their pants a few times (their words). Mission accomplished. In 2011 the e34 M5 is still relevant, adequately powered, and hilariously fun. A pro driver I definitely am not, but the M5 makes it easy to have fun without having to go too fast. Unfortunately though, as I’m writing this story, I’m sitting in the M5 by the side of some PA B-road, broken down.

Fuck old cars.

-by Adam Totter

photos by Joe Portela

A weekend camping trip with the guys, what could be better? Fresh air, fire, s’mores, guns, fire, star gazing, fishing, fire. Did I mention fire? Of course, all this burning required that we find a spot far from other campers and off the beaten path. What happens though, when you deviate from time-tested trucks and instead bring a more subdued vehicle to do your off-roading?  Do you still need a truck to do all the fun things you want to do? Hit the jump to find out.

Let me set the scene for you: It’s been years since my old high school group got together to do anything.  Our official 10 year reunion is just around the corner, but we decided a trip of our own would be a better time than the alternative of paying $26 each to eat bad shrimp, listen to the “accomplishments” of people we never cared about, and see how our ex-girlfriends somehow got hotter. So after months of wrangling we finally settled on a date and a destination for a weekend away.  However, when it came to transportation plans the trip devolved into a special kind of “man-drama” when one of our party insisted on bringing his Subaru Outback instead of riding along in one of the trucks that volunteered to ferry everyone.

On one side of the debate were the truck owners who doubted the Outback’s ability to hold its own on rough roads.  Their doubts were well founded for May had not only brought a series of torrential downpours here in Utah but also, believe it or not, a few snowstorms.  As a result, we expected poor road conditions on our journey to our camping spot at Pine Creek Reservoir.  The rebuttal to all this was that Subaru has carved a niche for itself with their cars’ ability to tackle these kinds of rough road conditions that leave other vehicles stranded.

For the trip we brought 2 off-road tuned Toyota Tacomas and the outcast Subaru Outback. You can see why the Suby was looked down on. Being the over-prepared men that we are, we wanted vehicles that would be ready for everything, including scaling up the side of the Grand Canyon in comfort with the AC maxed and AC/DC blaring. A couple of my friends were so convinced that the Outback was going to get stuck that they ran out the day before we left and bought a new tow strap. Ouch.

Not being a member of the Cult of the Truck (full disclosure: I’ve never owned one), I volunteered to ride along in the Subaru to witness firsthand how it performed on the trail. No one else shared my confidence, and out of 8 people it was just the 2 of us in the Outback. Undeterred, we sandwiched our steed between the two trucks and ventured into the mountains.

Boy were the doubters among us wrong. In order, the Outback had less tire noise and more legroom on the highway while also getting better gas mileage, kept our gear protected and dust free on the dirt roads, and kept up with the Toyotas while slogging through a foot and a half of slush and mud on the “road” that winds through the Dixie National Forest. In fact, we kept up with the Tacomas right up to the point when one of them got stuck in a snow bank that firmly occupied at least the next ½ mile of our trail.

We were all forced to retreat a mile down the mountain, but not before the truck owners begrudgingly admitted that the lowly car had so far done just fine. After our encounter with deep mud and snow, we came upon a 4-wheeling trail littered with large rocks, boulders, and drastic camber changes. True, the trucks handled this without even slowing down, but our little wagon still got through with no drama. From where I was sitting, the ride height difference between our tall wagon and their small trucks (especially with running bars installed) appeared negligible.

Once we reached an acceptable campsite, it was non-stop bragging from the Subaru owner. And deservedly so too; his 2-liter boxer and asymmetrical AWD system had just carried him to a remote part of Boulder Mountain where few cars would dare to tread. This begged the question in me – what do you really need a truck for anymore?

Obviously, that question has a lot of answers. What I’m really getting at though is the presumption that you need a truck for everything. This notion comes from yesteryear when you DID need a truck for driving on anything that wasn’t smooth and had yellow lines painted down the middle of it. Today though, modern AWD and suspension systems have turned relatively modest transports into machines capable of going off-road and embarrassing our WWII era Jeeps. Audi has done much to popularize AWD systems starting with the Ur-Quattro, and today the AWD descendants of that car (the STI and Evo) are some of the best, cheap sports cars available in this generation. The Volvo XC70, and (god help me) the Honda Crosstour are also perfect examples of this tall wagon ethos. They really are the best of both worlds.

The Subaru got us into the wilderness, kept our bags dry and dust free (which the truck beds couldn’t do), and then brought us back with ample grace and better fuel economy than our bed-endowed friends.  The trucks had an easier time of it, but we kept right up with them. Now that the trip is done, the Subaru is still a car right at home on the roads too. The trucks? Well, they are gulping up gas and offering their owners more road noise and less comfort. So ask yourself this before you buy your next truck – wouldn’t a capable car or wagon make your life more comfortable 97% of the time?

- Adam K

Do you have a story in which your car survived (or didn’t) a similar experience? Sound off in the comments and let us know.

Text and Photos submitted by TST reader Nick Busato

Porsche 911 GT3 RS, F430 Scuderia, Corvette ZR1 and the M3 GTS are all names that will induce any automotive enthusiast’s mouth to water uncontrollably. Based on already ludicrously quick road cars, these thoroughbreds are seen as the ultimate track day toys. It seems to be an easy formula for any car manufacturer to follow; strip out unneeded bits, toss on some Brembos, coilovers and sticky tires, massage some more power out of the engine and for added bonus points put an “R” in the car’s badging. These are the speed machines that occupy the prised poster space of many car fanatics’ bedroom walls. If these cars are seen as the superior versions to their more limp wristed counterparts then surely an even more race bred car would be that much more illustrious.

Enter the realm of the American Le Mans Series GT2 class where you will find the dreamiest racing versions of road going sports cars. While other series like DTM, Nascar and Grand-Am may have fairly recognizable body shapes the cars actually share very little if any parts with their production counterparts. In contrast, the ALMS GT2 cars are based on their respective production variants and must use the same chassis and primary bodywork. What you are left with is a car with no comprises made in the interest of comfort, they have a single purpose: to go fast.

Doran Design Ford GT

The original GT40 was greenlit to serve a single purpose: beating Ferrari at the 24 hours of Le Mans. They did just that from 1966 to 1969. Forty some odd years later, a similar shaped machine would yet again be taking on Ferrari, only this time in the GT2 class. In a series dominated by cars who’s body shapes are determined by values found in the wind tunnel its shocking to see a car that has a body based on an artist’s impression of an iconic car from the 1960’s. What is more surprising is that this shape has somehow been honed into a possible race winning car without any real factory support.

Converting the Ford GT into GT2 specification was no easy task for Doran. Despite being one of the most capable production chassis ever, the GT2 spec car still required revised suspension, brakes and a roll cage. The largest departure for the production variant comes in terms of the power plant. The 5.4L supercharged engine is ditched in favour of a 5.0L Roush Yates unit coupled to a six speed Emco transmission. It may come as a surprise that the race engine actually makes less power than the supercharged unit, however the road car is not burdened with 29.1 mm restrictors or operating at near peak RPM for twenty four hours straight. Unfortunately, the car has limited success due the lack of factory involvement in the program, limited budget, and gentlemen (read: rich drivers who pay to race, as opposed to professionals paid to race) drivers.

Chevrolet Corvette C6.R

While many companies claim that their race car development eventually shows up in their road cars, the majority of the time they are speaking absolute rubbish. The Corvette team, on the other hand, allows their race car development to be directly applied to their production models. The lessons learned with the C5.R GT1 car were responsible for the shape, headlights and air management seen in the C6. The carryover of technology from the track to the road has unquestionably improved the Corvette.

The C6.R may start its life on the same production line as the road car, but apart from its chassis, part of its cockpit bodywork, and the taillights, little is carried over. The result is a car that looks like a ZR1 on steroids with its enormous fender bulges just barely concealing the massive racing slicks. The ZR1’s double glazed polycarbonate window is tossed out in favour of a single massive vent that allows hot air from the radiators to be channelled out efficiently through the hood. This air management trend continues with additional ducts used to cool the rear transaxle and the air conditioning unit.

Like the Ford, the C6.R drops the larger production unit in favour of a smaller displacement naturally aspirated V8. A General Motors sourced 5.5L V8 is situated as low and far back as the aluminum hydro-formed chassis will allow. The power output is once again limited to a little under 500HP due to breathing through an asthmatic restrictor. Don’t let the massive power discrepancy fool you, despite the ZR1 having a 140 horsepower advantage, the C6.R will lap Laguna Seca a full twelve seconds quicker. Perhaps the best part of this heart transplant is the sound, as there has never been a deeper “I am going to eat you alive” burble since the Panoz LMP01. Unfortunately, the ZR1’s carbon ceramic brakes cannot be retained, so they are swapped out for the regulation cast iron units. This, however, is only a minor setback since the weight reduction and stickier slick tires will allow the C6.R will still come to a stop far quicker than the ZR1. The result of all this fat trimming, chassis refinement and the engine swap is a Corvette that will literally rip your face off and make you ears bleed.

Porsche 911 GT3 RSR

While many other teams spend endless amounts of money and time to develop a race worthy chassis, Porsche offers its customers the 911 GT3 RSR; a car capable of taking the top step of the podium right out of the box. The 911 has competed in the American Le Mans series since its inception and has not wasted any time taking home the hardware, winning nine of the possible twelve GT2 manufactures championships. Like the 911 road car, it has not been revolution but rather evolution that has enabled the (997) RSR to be completive well into its fifth year of competition.

Since the 997’s introduction in 2005, the car has undergone a form of spots car puberty with the wheel wells growing in size and its engine gaining the ever more important horsepower. The current iteration now sits on mammoth, C6 rear tire equalling, 12 inch wide front and 13 inch wide rear tires. The massive contact patches these tires provide enable the RSR to generate north of 1.5g in a turn. The traditional 911 boxer engine has gradually grown in size from the 3.6L in the 996 to the 4.0L unit found in the current 997. The engine location is retained from the road car as it offers nearly ideal weight distribution… perhaps Ferdinand Porsche was onto something all those years ago.  If perfection is the result of endless refinement then perhaps the 911 GT3 RSR is just that.

(Also noted here that the Porsche 911 RSR is the only race car on the ALMS grid that produces significantly more horsepower than its production counterpart.)

BMW M3 GT2

It would seem that developing a race car from a luxury two door coupe that shares the majority of its genes with a four door sedan would be like bringing a knife to a gunfight. While the M3 is a formidable production car, an ideal GT2 platform it is not. Fortunately, the BMW Motorsport division is the MacGyver of race car engineering and was able to hone the M3 into a genuine GT2 contender.

The M3 GT2 is perhaps the most modified racer in the GT2 field as nearly every detail of the road car sees some attention in its transformation into race car. The suspension and bodywork undergoes heavy modification to optimize the new larger racing slicks. The 4.0L engine is pushed as low and far back as possible with the X-Trac transmission located at the rear in the form of a transaxle. The lengths gone to improve weight distribution do not end there, the driving position is pushed lower and further back as well. The drivers head is essentially in line with the b-pillar, a position so far back that it requires a secondary dash and the steering wheel column to be extended. The result of all this hard work by the boys (and girls) in Munich was the 2010 ALMS GT2 Manufactures Championship, not too shabby for only their second season.

Ferrari F430GT

The Ferrari F430GT is perhaps the most feared, and without question the loudest, car in the GT2 paddock. While it may not have taken home as many manufacture championships as the 911, it has been the dominate force in the true endurance races. A single Risi Competizione F430GT chassis won Petit Le Mans 2008, Le Mans 2008, Sebring 2009 and Le Mans 2009 before being scavenged for parts to repair the sister car at Mosport 2009.

In contrast to the M3 GT2, the F430GT is the closest to the production car of all the cars in the GT2 field. While the obvious tire and brake upgrades have been made, a great deal of the original F430 architecture has been retained. The nose has been reworked in conjunction with the front splitter and rear wing in order to claw back some of the downforce lost due to regulation driven diffuser. The engine has been destroked to 4.0L in an aim to maximize the regulations regarding the displacement to weight ratio. Despite this smaller displacement, little horsepower is lost in comparison to its street sibling. It must be said that the most favourable aspect of GT2 spec engine, in terms of the race fans, is its noise. Never has there been a more beautiful sound from a GT car that screams high into the rpm range. Even when cruising down the pit lane F430GT backfires almost constantly sounding like the opening scene from Saving Private Ryan. The Ferrari really is a work of art in both the visual and audible sense.

Argument about which of these racing cars is best has raged on for years and will continue for as long as the world still has enough gas to go racing, but we feel the whole grid is well-worthy of inclusion into The Smoking Tire’s Dream Garage. Welcome!

Let the record show this review is written by me, Zack Klapman, and NOT Matt Farah. It may seem silly to have a review on Matt’s site for a show he’s on. Some people might assume it will be positive because he’s paying me to plug his new venture. Trust me and my Wells Fargo bank account balance, he’s not. I’m not doing this to kiss his ass, get a date with his sister, a ride in his Vette or the seemingly unobtainable accolade of shaving his scrotum (the car blogger equivalent of being in Bill Gates’ will). None of those things are happening.

The show is going to be good. Very good. There’s going to be car porn in it, so that means that every fan of this site and anyone with some amount of gas in their DNA will watch it. I can’t tell you what I saw, but when the clip ended I was pissed, because it was so good and exciting I wanted to see more. There’s going to be fast cars, exotics, junkers, economy cars, everything. It’s visually on par with anything out there.

Ok, so now we’ve hooked the the car geek audience. Since car nerds like us are as easy to please as the first time a 15 year old boy gets to put his Hogwart wand in a wizard’s sleeve I want to spend most of this review on what makes people lift Top Gear UK onto Everest but waffle over TGA; chemistry.

Not lets-put-drano-in-a-glass-with-those-bath-salts-and-drink-it chemistry. I’m talking about the hosts. Adam, Matt, John and Dan just have it. They’re funny, quick-witted, they follow each other’s lead, they have comedic timing, and whether they’re in agreement or not watching them talk is captivating. For example, at a field taping last week, Matt and Adam were discussing two cars. The banter between them was so good, so funny, and such a perfect game of verbal tennis that halfway through I asked a producer, “Did they write this whole segment?”

No they did not. Off the cuff. Out of nowhere. Improv. And it wasn’t just good the way Discovery probably films a speckled tree frog breathing for 20 seconds and says “Ok! We got it. Let’s move on.” It was bent over, bite-your-hand-because-they’re filming outright hilarious. I have probably watched and listened to thousands of hours of stand-up comedy in my life. I watch TV and movies with a different intent than the normal person. I’m constantly judging the writing and jokes of anything that comes through my ears. Basically, I’m kind of snob. So if the jokes sucked, or were old or too simple or too obvious, I wouldn’t be saying this. These weren’t cheesy Motor Week jokes that are safe for children 2 and up. It’s Adam being Adam, Matt being Matt, guys being unscripted, un-censored guys.  They are funny.

And it’s not just Matt and Adam. Dan Neil, as proper/educated/professional/orthodontist-looking he may be, he’s great to watch. He doesn’t pile on the jokes with a snow-blower like Adam, but rather inserts moments of smart, snarky levity in between knowledgeable expositions that have everyone leaning in. I watch him as if if I look hard enough and listen intently enough, I will possess his power of knowledge. He’s an award winning writer, but he knows how to formulate and condense thoughts in his mind at lightening speed, and deliver them in a manner that is anything but dry. He is the yin to Matt and Adam’s sarcastic, shit-talking, comically-infused but still informative yang.

Then there’s John Salley. When I learned he was on the cast, my eyebrows furrowed. I said, “Does he know anything about cars?” The response was, “No, not really.” “Hm. So why is he on the show?” I thought the panel needed to be saturated with knowledge, like a group of automotive Wikipedia-i. I was wrong, he’s great. He may not know cars, but he adds a balance to the show you don’t think you need but quickly realize is essential. He’s a Garmin GPS; you got along fine without one for years, but now that you see it you know it’s essential.

John Salley is funny, he’s sharp, and even though he’s often the target of Carolla’s scathing wit, he adds something to the show I didn’t think it needed; normalcy. If you don’t click your mouse button to Zonda renderings, you can look at John having fun, and see that this show isn’t only for guys with SCCA Championship trophies.

The show will really be for everyone. I’ve seen some of the car footage, and it looks great. It will keep all of us youtube-drift-footage hunters happy.  And after attending the studio taping yesterday, I know it will have mass appeal. Adam’s jokes are just common analogies, and in this arena they’re just fed by car topics. But as Matt has said, he’s king of tangents. So if they’re discussing cylinder heads from 1992 Le Baron (they didn’t) and you don’t know what that means, wait 5 seconds. The punchline will be as close to the topic as Matt is to buying a smart car.

What this all adds up to is a connection and repoire that other TV shows will envy. All the guys work great together. Hour after hour went by yesterday with the audience, crew, and even security guards busting up in raucous laughter. No one got bored, no one got tired, and everyone left charged up and excited, wanting to see more. “The Car Show” will not be Top Gear, and it’s not trying to be. In fact, it’s not trying to be anything. What it is is a bunch of smart, clever, really funny guys who know cars. You know how you and your friends sit for hours talking about new models, discontinued loves or the next hyper-car from Tanzania? This is that. It’s like a porno with dialogue by Louis CK. I think it’s going to be great, and I can’t wait til everyone else gets to see it. I love Top Gear, but it never made me laugh like The Car Show.

-Zack K

This past weekend I went to Lake Tahoe, and during the 4 days I had there a theory I have had for years was nailed down with depleted-uranium nails driven onto a board made from magnetic diamonds and covered in amber; 99% of the SUVs on the road are unnecessary.

There is no better place to witness and understand the uselessness of the SUV than Lake Tahoe in the middle of winter. You see, over the holiday weeks that span Christmas and New Years, everyone who’s ever been drawn to the snow, be it a hardcore 50-year ski veteran or a family of 4 from San Diego taking their first ski trip, is there. That means the diversity of the vehicles on Highway 80 heading over the mountains is as diverse as the LGBT support group at an international Hostel in New York. For better or worse, the highway going over the pass is a smattering of lifted trucks, pathetic chain-shodden Prius, rusting 4x4s, AWD cars and way too many idiots from the bay who put 22s on their 4wd truck, forcing them to put chains on. The equivalent of buying a tiger to look badass but having it de-clawed and it’s teeth flattened. You’re quite the pimp until someone breaks into your house and leaves with all your money and a new rug.

My vehicle for this trip was a 2006 Volvo V50 wagon with AWD and a turbo-charged inline 5-cylinder. It impressed me more every day. It had Continental All-season tires on it. No Blizzaks fitted with ninja swords like you find in CO, just a good set of tires meant to handle all conditions. And they did. The weight of the car (and it’s cargo) and a good AWD system was all we needed to go up/down our icy driveway, slalom around stranded motorists and barge through 10 inches of fresh “Sierra cement.”

It got good gas mileage, felt more stable than anything I’ve driven in the snow, and just worked wonderfully. And when you get it in the dry it drives great. And as we cruised up Highway 80, eventually coming to a stop for chain control, I took a look the cars around me, and wondered why we still buy SUVs with the idea that on our yearly trip to a snowy place, they will easily and safely transport us to our weekend chalet, making up for the added cost and bad fuel economy we deal with the other 360 days of the year.

On this trip I saw several accidents (none life-threatening), but my favorite was a brand new, virgin-white Chevrolet Suburban with it’s back wheels in a ditch on the right side of the road. This was particularly impressive because it was on a very very gentle RIGHT hand curve that followed a straight as long as Texas. This road was as hard to maneuver as the line to buy your lift ticket. But somehow Johnny Igotmesum-Fourwheeldrive spun his land-yacht the opposite direction of the turn and like an 85 year old man on the toilet, dropped his Michelin balls into the icy cold water that is a ditch. Bravo.

Aside from 2wd trucks/SUVs, I don’t have a problem with the cars themselves. I owned 3 different cars in my 9 years living in Colorado, and driven dozens of others that were borrowed from friends. Some were well-suited for the winters of that state, and some (a borrowed 1982 Chevy Citation) had no business being on the road in mild humidity, let alone snow. But what you notice is that no matter what people drive, they get where they’re going and in a timely matter. The only time the freeway came to a crawl is if a car flipped over, or there were simply too many Carhart-clad, goggle-tanned bros trying to get first tracks. You could be behind an 82 Cutlass with all-season tires and be comfortable that the driver knew what he was doing.

You think this is the same as your Crossover SUV. It isn't.

The problem in California, is everyone buys an SUV and thinks that when they sign on the dotted line Harry Potter comes down from heaven and farts into their mouth, giving them iron-clad stability on the road no matter what. So what you end up with is a bunch of idiots that have never driven on anything slipperier than a polished parking garage heading up to the mountains in their new Grand Laredo RX450 Titan with the optional Stabilitrakular system. They can sync their phone to their kid’s DVD player and have every Crate & Barrel store programmed in their GPS, ignorant to the reality nothing substitutes for knowledge and skill. I don’t care how many TV screens your new “truck” (which is likely built on a car platform) has, it doesn’t make you invincible.

You would think this would result in Joe Tahoe driving 80mph in the snow, one hand on the wheel, his figurative snow-cock growing by the mile suddenly sliding over a rail and tumbling to a chilly death in the lake below. I wish. That would provide a cautionary tale to others while opening up a lane. The problem is the second people notice it’s a little slippery, reality hits them; “I’ve never driven in the snow. Oh Jesus. Maybe there’s some valuable information in the Dora the Explorer DVD I have playing on my 4 TVs.” So people revert to a timid crawl of 5mph, putting along in fera while I sit behind them filling the car with so many curse words my Dad has to roll down the window as if we all just downed a Taco Bell Party box.

When you’re uncertain, slower is better, I get that, but when I see someone in a big truck, capable of plowing through mud and 2 foot snow drifts driving slow enough to get passed by a local 6 year old on Big Wheel, I want to turn into Michael Douglas in Fallen and shoot holes in you “Ultra-AWD” badge. If you want a good all-season car, why not choose one that gives you all the safety and grip you could want while saving you money and shutting up Green Peace?  I understand there are people that need big trucks for work, or towing; fine. I don’t, my mom doesn’t and that lady at Starbucks on her way to a HOA meeting to discuss mail box colors damn sure doesn’t.

The lesson is nothing can substitute for know-how and skill, so why try to supplement those with the letters “S-U-V”? Next time you’re shopping for a family hauler that’s snow ready, test drive a wagon. It will drive better in the dry, and handles snow fine. After all, if Ezra Dyer can take an Audi R8 grocery shopping in the snow, you’ll be fine.

-Zack k

You should see the look of disappointment on the faces of TST fans when they ask me about my favorite car of all time. Clearly, they are expecting me to answer with some kind of million-dollar exotic that only a handful of people on Earth have been fortunate enough to drive. They eagerly anticipate my recounting of a crazy tale of outrunning the cops in a Koenigsegg, or doing a banzai canyon run in a McLaren F1, or taking the world’s only overboosted Bugatti Veyron to the standing mile and going 300 miles per hour. But the look of disappointment is always the same, questioning, heartboken face, when I respond to their question with my actual favorite car of all time: The 1981 Delorean DMC-12. And if the rumors are true, Hollywood may soon kill my dream.

The first time I saw a Delorean was in a 1989 issue of Car and Driver, the first car magazine I ever read. There were no stats, no official testing, no stories of a terribly managed company and its (alleged) cocaine-smuggling founder, and certainly no horrific crash test videos. All I saw was a beautiful, brushed bare stainless shape, and the coolest doors ever. I was smitten, but the Delorean never solidified itself as my favorite car of all time until I saw Back to the Future. Fortunately, a month after first reading that magazine, Back to the Future Part II was released in theaters. I ended up seeing the second movie before the first, as tends to happen with me (Terminator, Wall Street, Scream, The Matrix, Spider Man, all stame story).

The Back to the Future trilogy is an icon among icons. It transcends sci/fi, the John Hughes era of 1980′s films, and automotive geekdom like no other film series in history. In 1986, Part I won over 20 major award nominations, winning 12 of them, including an Oscar. As proof of it’s lasting appeal, the 2003 release of the BTTF Trilogy Box Set won an award for “Best Classic Film Release.” More importantly than these awards is just how good the films are. I watch any of them, any time they are on TV. And the Delorean is as much as a character as Doc Brown, Marty, Biff, or any of the films lead actors. In fact, the Delorean time machine is the plot line of the whole trilogy. Like a Top Gear special, the car is not only the cause of all problems, but also the solution.

And this is where we get to my objections to a remake. Forgetting the fact that, if you do the math, 80′s movie remakes (like The A Team, A Nightmare on Elm St., and Predator)  have been terrible compared to remakes of films that are at least 30 years old (like Ocean’s Eleven, The Thomas Crown Affair, or Scarface). And ignoring that Christopher Lloyd and Michael J. Fox, whose careers have essentially been defined by these roles since the 1980′s, would not be playing their original characters, I’m still objecting. Not just because Justin Beiber and Michael Richards couldn’t pull off Marty and Doc, which they couldn’t. Well, maybe Michael Richards could. And not just because the “future” would probably be completely CGI’ed and all the 80′s concept cars from Part II would be lost in time forever. Then why? Because they would probably get a new time machine, too.

In 2007, I drove a Lamborghini Countach LP5000S, a car whose poster occupied the entire wall space above my bed growing up. And to be honest, driving the car ruined the dream. It was clunky, hot, uncomfortable, had barely kit-car build quality, and wasn’t nearly as fast as I expected it to be. Remaking Back to the Future with a different car would have the same effect. After all, I already know it’s a slow, poorly-engineered car, and I still want one. The only way to change my mind would be to take away its character. And I don’t want Hollywood to do that.

Sincerely,

Matt

This letter is in response to Jalopnik’s article, “The Top Ten Delorean Replacements for a Back to the Future Remake.”

Of the top ten choices, only one actually makes sense (ignoring my objection to the whole concept of a remake)

Anyone think this actually looks really good? I love the wheels, the slant-back look, and how it really does look like a Zombie bug-out vehicle. The rationalization for a Raptor time machine:

“The idea should be that no matter when you go in time, you need to be able to drive your vehicle to 88 miles an hour and the only production vehicle that can do that over any terrain is the Raptor. I understand a sports car is “cooler” but if they go back to the old west or somewhere else that doesn’t have roads, the vehicle needs to be able to handle te rough stuff at speed. At least before the hover conversion.”

Brilliant.

Hello loyal readers! We’re back from a little Christmas Vacation and time to start talking cars again. But first, an update on what’s going on with The Smoking Tire!

The Story of My Christmas Trip

First of all, I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and wasn’t stuck in the travel nightmare that I was. I hate traveling during the holidays, and try to avoid it whenever possible, but it rained for an entire week in LA leading up to Christmas, so I decided to get out of Dodge and head to Spring Island, South Carolina, where my folks have a vacation home and were spending a few weeks. I was looking forward to getting in a few rounds of Golf, one of my few non-car hobbies, and the course down there, Old Tabby Links, is incredible. My sister, who lives in New York, flew down as well. As nice as it was to see my parents, I knew it wasn’t going to go well when Delta lost my golf clubs on the way down. According to Baggage Services, they were held up at security in LAX because of, get this, “A preliminary sweep detected the presence of fertilizer.” Attention, TSA: GOLF COURSES ARE COVERED IN FERTILIZER! I would bet that 90% of all golf clubs on earth would test positive for fertilizer in TSA. I was flying first-class and showed up at the airport 2 1/2 hours early for my flight, so there was plenty of time to open the travel bag and see that nothing was out of the ordinary. But no, and I was down a round of golf the next day when the clubs were delivered 12 hours late. It didn’t really matter though, because it was colder in SC than it was in LA, and raining on/off as well.

The journey home didn’t go much better. Like thousands of other people, I got stranded at the Savannah, GA airport when my flight was can celled along with 20 other flights that night due to the South’s inability to deal with an inch of snowfall. This was Sunday. I was told that I couldn’t fly to LA from Savannah until Tuesday, which was not an option. My sister had it even worse trying to get back to New York. She was supposed to leave Sunday as well and is still stuck in South Carolina, unable to get home until Wednesday evening. But I wasn’t having that. I (meaning my father’s secretary) re-booked a flight home through Continental Airlines (fuck Delta) from Jacksonville, FL, two hours south of Savannah, first thing Monday morning. I would simply rent a car and drive to Jacksonville. No problem.

Except it was. There are 8 rental car companies that service the Savannah airport. I asked them all, not a single car to rent in the entire place. So I took a cab to Jacksonville. Seriously. I took a $280 cab ride into another state. At least my driver, Big Mike, was the grand master pimp and got me where I needed to go. If you’re in Savannah and need a cab, give him a ring.

Anyway, my flights out of Jacksonville (and then Houston) were a similar clusterfuck, but hell, at least I finally got to LA, 18 hours after beginning my journey. At one point I had honestly contemplated getting in a car and driving back to LA, but am glad I didn’t bother with that, as it probably would have been a miserable shitbox that I wouldn’t want to spend 3 days in. My sister, on the other hand, would have been home by now, but she wouldn’t know what a road trip was if she woke up one morning riding shotgun with Jack Kerouac.

Amazingly enough, my checked bags, which I presumed lost forever in the Delta Air Lines baggage abyss, beat me to LA and were there waiting when I arrived.

Either way, good to be home and back to work.

News on the SPEED TV Pilot

We’re all really excited about the SPEED TV pilot that I’m hosting with Adam Carolla, Dan Neil, and John Salley. While I can’t divulge any details of the pilot until it’s finished, I can say how annoying it was that we were supposed to film a lot of it last week, and were rained out. The good news is, it’s re-scheduled for the first week in January, and I will be driving some cool stuff, including one of my all-time dream cars. Also, Tom Morningstar, TST’s primary cameraman and editor, as well as Zack K, my writing partner, and Thaddeus, our inked-up intern, will be working on the project as well.

The even better news is that we will be filming the in-studio portions of the show at the end of January, probably the 23rd or 24th. If any TST fans will be in LA during those days and want to actually see the in-studio segments, I have a limited number of tickets available, and can definitely accommodate our fans. I’m even down to go get absolutely hammered once the filming is done, and as long as someone else is driving! If you’re interested, email me and I’ll give you more details.

TST Maintenance Update

Over the past several months, we’ve gotten reports from some viewers of “500 internal server errors” and such when trying to access the site. We apologize for that, and we’ve discovered why that was happening: I’m good at cars, but bad at the internet. When we were making the old show, with Next New Networks, we had people who handled all the internet stuff, and I just dealt with content and actually hosting the show. Now, we don’t. So I’ve had to teach myself to be my own webmaster. Well it seems that, after 15 months, I’m finally figuring it out. The point is, we’ve upgraded our servers so now we have enough memory and bandwidth to handle the volume of hits our site gets. In the future, if people are still getting error messages, please let us know.

We wish all our readers and viewers the Merriest of Christmases and the Happiest of New Years, and in conclusion, leave a comment if you got a really cool car-related gift this year. I’m interested to see what gearheads are giving out.

The Group B rally series ran from 1982 to 1987 and featured some of the wildest and most powerful rally cars ever made. The regulations on the cars were simple: There were none. Manufacturers had free reign on power output, boost, weight, materials, and speed. This amazing series spawned cars like the Audi Quattro, one of the most dominant cars of its time and platform from which the current Audi cars have grown, it popularized new technology like all-wheel drive, and it brought into focus the limits of both man and machine on the rally stage. Watch videos of a Group B race, and it seems like the drivers are having to thread their way through crowds of spectators practically standing in the middle of the road as the cars hammer their way through.

The demise of Group B was caused by the very thing that made it so appealing; danger. After several fatal crashes, some involving both drivers and spectators, the FIA shutdown Group B racing in 1987. Since then, it has been succeeded by the WRC and other rallying series, but none have been able to match Group B for its outrageous machinery. If given the chance, here are the Group B cars we’d tuck into the TST Dream Garage.

Ford RS200

Many times in life, something great is born from failure. In the case of Ford and Group B racing, it was the 1700T, a failed automotive project whose lessons lead to the creation of a successful purpose built rally car: The Ford RS200.

The RS200 was mid-engined, four wheel drive, cranked out around 450 horsepower in racing trim, had a fiberglass body, and a chassis designed by former F1 engineers John Wheeler and Tony Southgate. Like several of the bat-shit crazy cars that competed in Group B, the RS200 was involved in several fatal crashes that helped contributed to the end of the Group B era. Following the end of Group B, the RS200 competed from 1986 to 1992 in the FIA European Championships, and some were even fielded as circuit racers.

Although it never achieved significant success on the Group B circuit, the road going “Evolution” version of the rally car was without doubt the most exciting flavor of the RS200. Around 24 of the 200 road cars were turned into the Evolution edition which used a modified version of the Ford/Cosworth engine found in the racecar, and rumor has power ranging from 550 to up to a staggering 815 hp. In the right form, the RS200 could put down a high 2 to low 3 second 0-60 time, ridiculous even by today’s standards, never mind the 1980’s. We want one.

Audi Quattro S1

Of all the Group B rally cars, the Audi Quattro S1 is without doubt one of the most iconic. Born from the Audi Sport Quattro of the early eighties, the S1 was introduced in 1985 and is widely regarded as the most powerful rally car ever fielded. Its inline 5-cylinder, turbocharged engine unleashed around 600 horsepower to all four wheels, shattering the 0-60 mph in the low 3 second range. Though brutally powerful, the S1 actually only won once race, the 1985 San Remo rally. Even so, the S1 and its predecessors were absolutely instrumental in helping create rally racing as we know it.

One of the most unique features of the S1 was the recalculating air system for the turbocharger. This ingenious system kept the turbo spinning at high rpm’s when the throttle was closed so that when the power came back on, power delivery would be crushing and nearly instantaneous. Later generations of this technology are still used today, known as “anti-lag.” The gearbox that iy used was the precursor to today’s DSG system.

Another distinct characteristic of the S1 was the sound. No, let me rephrase that. It was the S1’s SOUND. Think of a savage, un-muted exhaust, with one of the most intense wastegates ever. It reminds one of Top Gear from a few seasons back when Jeremy Clarkson tested the Prodrive P2. “It sounds like squirrels are being pushed into the engine.”

If you’ve never seen videos of the S1 in action, stop reading this and go find one. Many of the classic rally film clips from this area will be of the wide, square bodied S1 unleashing on some legendary course some where. Are you still reading?

Lancia 037 and Delta S4

The Lancia 037 made its Group B rally debut in 1982 at the Rally Costa Smeralda in Italy. Rear-wheel drive, with a supercharged 2.0 liter 4-cylinder engine making 300+ horsepower, the 037 it won the 1983 World Championships with the legendary Walter Rohl in the driver’s seat and Finnish Markku Alen as co-driver. Lancia fitted the car with Kevlar body panels, independent double wishbone suspension both front and rear and dual shock absorbers at the back to deal with the punishment rally racing could inflict.

But, the introduction of all-wheel drive and the dominance of machines like the Audi S1 and Peugeot’s 205 T16, forced Lancia to upgraded the 037 to an Evolution 2 model, and then introduce an entirely new car in the Delta S4.

One of the things that made the Delta 4 unique was its use of both turbocharging and supercharging to help churn out around 480 horsepower. Having both systems gave the car the benefits of each; low-end power with the supercharger, then top-end power from the turbo. When operating a peak performance, the S4 could make an enormous 32 psi of boost. This, combined with AWD, could propel the Delta S4 to a incredible 2.3 second 0-60 mph. On gravel. The S4’s first victory came at the 1985 RAC Rally.

The S4 featured a tubular spaceframe and fully detachable carbon fibre bodywork, so if the car was accidentally planted into a tree, at least changing the body panels wouldn’t be too complicated. Speaking of crashes, the S4’s legacy was tinged with tragedy as it was the car that really signaled the end of Group B. Driver Henri Toivonen and co-driver Sergio Cresto, overcooked a corner at the 1986 Tour de Corse and plunged over a cliff, killing both men. Group B racing continued on for a while longer after this accident, but it proved to be an accelerator for the decline of the series.

Peugeot 205 T16

Peugeot’s entry into Group B racing was the 205 T16, so named because of the car’s turbocharged, 1.8 liter 16 valve engine. In racing trim, this squat, boxy rally monster made around 450 horsepower, and it took the Manufacturer’s titles in 1985 and 1986. Watch videos of the 205 T16 catching air over rolling crests and getting seriously sideways around gravel roads, and it’s easy to see why some people look back on the Group B era as the golden age of rally racing. It was these early rally machines like the 205 T16, that gave birth to today’s rally inspired road rockets like the Subaru WRX STI and Mitsubishi Evolution.

After the end of Group B, Peugeot create the 405 T16, loosely based on the company’s 405 sedan. The 405 T16 competed in and won the famous Paris-Dakar rally, and set a Pike’s Peak hillclimb record that stood for several years before being broken by the legendary hillclimber Rod Millen. The record setting run by driver Ari Vatanen was documented in the award winning film, Climb Dance. Watching Climb Dance will give you an entirely new appreciation for not only Vatanen’s driving skills, but also the incredible road that climbs Pike’s Peak.

Peugeot also campaigned the 405’s for several years in the British Touring Car Championship during the 1990’s, as well as the French Supertourisme Championship, which it won in 1994 and 1995.

Porsche 959

Porsche’s original intent with the legendary 959 was to have it compete in Group B racing. Manufactured from 1986 to 1989, the car was first known as the “Gruppe B”, a pretty obvious hint as to what it purpose was. After the FIA pulled the plug on the series, Porsche turned its focus with the 959 to creating the world’s fastest street car (which it achieved in 1986), as well as a successful competitor in the Paris-Dakar rally and the Le Mans endurance race. There is no question that the 959 became one of the world’s most sought after road cars and it owes it all to Group B.

Besides being gorgeous, wickedly fast and wildly rare, the 959 was really a technological showcase. It was the first high performance vehicle to use an advanced all-wheel drive system, capable of managing the torque distribution between the front and rear wheels, a precursor to the systems that can be found on a lot of modern cars. The 2.5-liter flat six engine featured sequential turbochargers and made around 450 horsepower. The price in the crazy 80’s for this dream machine? About $225,000 for each of the 337 cars made, with several later examples made in the early 90’s selling for far more than that.

At the time it was launched, the 959 went head to head with iconic machines like the Ferrari F40. While the F40 was a pared down racecar for the road, the 959 was classically Porsche; it created staggering performance through exquisite engineering, precision, and state-of-the-art technology. The 959 became the platform for which much of the systems and technology found in Porsche’s 911 series came from. Das ist gut.

Lancia Stratos

Like the Porsche 959, the Lancia Stratos was never actually a Group B competitor, but it helped set the stage for the monstrous Group B machines by defining what rally racing had the potential to be.

Three years in a row, from 1974 to 1976, the Stratos took the rally championship crown. Its distinct wedge shape was powered by a mid-mounted Ferrari V6 and made roughly 300 horsepower in naturally aspirated form, and well north of 500 horsepower in forced induction guise. Unlike some other rally cars which began life as a street car and were reengineered into rally cars, the Stratos was the first car designed from the ground up to be a rally machine. Only 492 examples were originally built with numerous others produced by imitators as kit cars. But as the interwebs have thoroughly documented, the real Lancia Stratos is experiencing something of a revival.

Funded by wealthy German businessman Michael Stoschek, the new Stratos has the underpinnings (engine, chassis) of the Ferrari 430 Scuderia, and promises to be one exciting machine. Its design was started by Jason Castriota of Pininfarina and Stile Bertone fame, and pulls many of the elements of the old car into its fantastic design – the low stance, distinct shape, short front and rear overhangs. And like the old car, the new Stratos will have an exclusive limited production run and will very likely to be bought up by eager enthusiast and collectors quicker than it can make the sprint to 60 mph. Considering it accomplishes that in a shade over 3 seconds, the new car is almost guaranteed to make the Stratos name a legend for the second time.

Seeing the iconic Stratos brought back to life is incredibly exicting. That’s why we’d have the old and the new car in its green and white livery parked side by side in the Dream Garage. Now all we have to do is talk to Stoschek and convince him to give one up.

-Doran Dal Pra

In November Rolls Royce announced a partnership with Beverly Hills-based designer Bijan Pakzad. Bijan already know to thousands of tourists to Beverly Hills for his bright yellow cars (Rolls Royce Phantom Drophead, or Bentley or most recently added, Bugatti Veyron yellow and black with a faint airbrushed “mouth of trust” on the hood. Till now we have not seen pictures of the much talking about series of cars by Bijan (till now photos floating around have been of Bijan’s personal car). The Smoking Tire has exclusive picture of what the final drophead will look like and exclusive photo of Bijan himself rolling out the fabric on the hood of the Rolls Royce that will be the design of the hood of the final car.

A new 2011 Drophead will set you back about $490,555 MSRP, but Bijan wanted to make it easy for people to remember the price of his special edition, a cool $1,000,000. It will have yellow leather seats, Bijan logo repeated pattern on the wood dash, and custom pin-striping on the side. It will be anything but subdued.

[View with PicLens]

The Aston Martin DBS. Not only was this car a no-brainer for our Dream Garage, but it is at the very tip top of my “Things to Buy When I marry a 90 year-old Billionaire” list. (That and a bucket of roofies, for myself).

While our garage would probably need to be the size of a Boeing hanger to hold all our dreams, I would want this one parked just inside the door. I’d park in my bedroom if I could, so that every morning it would be the first thing I see. I would be in a better mood each morning, something my friends would greatly appreciate.

I could go on an on about how god-damn good looking the DBS is, but unless you’re blind or find yourself strangely attracted to cinder blocks, you can see what I’m talking about. While some people have whined that it’s just a DB9 with a body kit, I see that as a compliment. The DB9 is incredibly beautiful; one of the best looking things to ever be hammered out of metal. I would replace our Statue of Liberty with a giant DB9 if I could. But it’s a little too smooth and sublime to be called perfect. I want my dream car to be a bit flashy. Not Countach flashy but enough to tell you it’s something special. Think of it like the singer, Pink; she’s not quite as pretty as professional adopter and actress Angelina Jolie, but I’ll make a good bet who punches harder.

Like Nick Lachey I could easily marry this car for it’s looks, but unlike the large schools of busty blonds that swim in this city the DBS has layers of brilliance underneath its svelte body. The 6.0L V-12 makes 510hp at 6,500 RPM, which means you have to rev it out to make the most of it. If you have a 4 cylinder engine that’s a problem, but when you have a 12-cylinder chorus that makes a sound addictive enough to get you on Intervention, it is a blessing. I was watching TG’s DBS video online today, and when they started the car my eyes instinctively closed. It’s like I was savoring a steak. Few things can elicit that reaction from me.  The world stops, and all my focus is directed at that crazy howl.

In this age of better, faster, lighter some might say it’s 3,737 pound weight is too heavy, or  4.3 seconds to 60mph is slow, or 191 mph is a weak top speed. Compared to what? To the internet racers and number-coveting douches out there I say “fine.” I will let you chase the newest, fastest, lightest, digitally-controlled car, because you are missing out. The DBS might not shift as fast as a 458 or accelerate fast enough to flatten the back of your head like a GT2. But if you think it’s slow, then you probably need to spend more time outside.

It can compete on a track with an R8 or Zonda C12, but unlike the the Zonda it’s just as good on a 2000 mile road trip,  thanks to its GT DNA from the great DB9. And as much as I love the R8, the DBS has more soul. It even says so when you start it. Dual clutches are great, but there is nothing like the connection you get driving a fast, RWD car using an old fashioned manual transmission.

Some journalists have said the DBS lacks an identity of it’s own, as if it somehow cheated us by being based on another car. I understand their point, but it’s based on a DB9, not a Hyundai Santa Fe. People complain the buttons are hard to use or the SAT/NAV is worse than salmonella and that may be true but they’re missing the big picture. As an all around car, the DBS is phenomenal. It’s competent on a track, a pleasure on the highway, comfortable around town, turns heads like a person on fire and just in case you’re blind it’s exhaust will tell you how great it is. It is a super-car through and through. It has all the things I want in a car, and it has them in spades.

- Zack K

It should come as no surprise that the next car I voted into our Dream Garage is the Alfa Romeo 8C Competezione. Earlier this year I was lucky enough to work on a shoot featuring a black 8C. When it was unloading from the transport truck I stared it with all the wonder of a 14 year old boy looking at his neighbor’s house, realizing his neighbor is Jordan, and her shower has a bay window. Then I got invited to go for a ride, and I haven’t stopped thinking about that day since.

Rather than start off by hurling acceleration statistics and engine-bore diameters at you I wanted to start with the first sense a car touches; sight. It’s why magazines have pictures, and why that television thing really caught on. There’s no cliche called “Love at first smell.” or “Love at first 3rd date discussion about the latest episode of House.” only “Love at first site.

Cars have been compared to women for decades. The most beautiful coupes have that hourglass figure that grabs our optical senses somewhere deep down in our DNA. While everyone could have a different list of the 10 most beautiful women ever, it would be odd to find someone that wouldn’t have the 8C in their Rolodex of beautiful cars. It’s a rare event to put a bunch of car nerds and journalists in a room and hear silence, but this car often does just that.  It doesn’t matter what angle you view it from; panoramic, wide, fisheye, close-up or electron microscope; it just looks incredible. The shape speaks for itself, it’s a classic long-hood/short deck coupe. It’s round,  but Alfa added a little edge to the ends, making sure the performance of this coupe isn’t looked over.

Looking closer we see Alfa has put just as much work into the details as they did the overall shape. The headlights for example, are the best fusion of modern projectors within a classic shape that I can think of, and integral to creating the best front end on the road today. The taillights are round, simple, classic Italian. What Alfa did was create a beautiful shape, and didn’t compromise a thing when they added all those “mandatory” items-like headlights.

The inside is the same; simple yet striking. I especially like the aluminum in the center stack and passenger “oh shit” handle, carved from single pieces of aluminum. The cockpit is simple sports car. There’s no pop-NAV, massager seats or built-in electric razors. Carbon fiber is everywhere, with the raw weave showing through on the doors, dash board and center console. The only thing I didn’t like was the stereo, because it looked like it was pulled from a parts bin marked “1992 stuff.” Besides, the exhaust makes any stereo obsolete. From the beautiful 3-spoke wheel to the carbon doors to the clean center console with the very piece of the interior made me smile. It only has what you absolutely need, and all those things are done with the touch of an artist. It reiterates what the exterior already said.

Unlike some of the more popular models today, the 8C has a very nice brain between its ears. It’s a high-compression Ferrari-built 4.7 Liter V8 that needs to be whipped all the way to 7,000RPM to make all of its 450hp. Being a high-strung engine also means torque wakes up late, requiring you to wait until 4750RPM for all 354lb ft. But that’s ok, because it’s just another excuse (like you need one) to hear every note of the fossil-fueled choir from the quad exhaust tips. Power is sent to the rear wheels through a 6-speed paddle-shifted transaxle, which also gives the car perfect 50/50 weight distribution.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8br0BHXqjt4&feature=player_embedded#!

It may have a Ferrari powerplant, but challenging an F430 to a race around Laguna for pink slips will result in you calling a cab. It’s paddle shifted ‘box takes 0.2 seconds to shift, compared to a ‘Scud’s 0.06 seconds between ratios. Alfa says it will hit 60mph in 4.2 seconds-a time that has proven hard to replicate and most other Italian brands have bested years ago. But the 8C is still a capable sports car, with fairly quick turn in and good grip. Power over-steer is a simple right-foot-request away. Push it hard enough and the body does roll, contradictory to what you’d expect from such a hard ride. I don’t care. Whining it’s not the fastest car in the world is like dating Natalie Portman and complaining she only went to Harvard for her undergraduate education; think big picture. In ‘Sport Mode’ with the baffles open, the engine barking and popping and nothing but carbon fiber as far as the eye can see, the car is enchanting. It’s not trying to win races, set ‘Ring records or hover across the Atlantic. It’s trying to be a small, beautiful, Italian sports car and for that test it gets an “A.”

This car was built to re-introduce Alfa Romeo to the world and in some cases (America) prepare for the arrival of other Alfas. The word that came to my mind when I thought about it was “compromise” in the sense that this car has none. They designed a perfect shape, and then they built it. The interior has everything you expect in a small GT car, and nothing more. It’s not a drag-out race car, or a comfortable do-everything cruiser. It is what it is. And if you don’t like it, fine, there’s the door, have a nice day. Alfa only built 500 but the very day they unveiled the production model at the 2006 Paris Auto Salon 1200 people put down their name to order one.

This car doesn’t have every button and gizmo known to man, because that’s not what it’s for. If you bought one of these and said, “It’s pretty good, but I wish it had more USB jacks and laser-guided steering.” go slam your head in a door (Not the 8c’s door, because they’re too light to do real damage). Because you’re missing the point. It is, and will remain, one of the most beautiful cars of all time. It’s fast enough, decent on a track, and sounds like the offspring of a Corvette and Lamborghini. I rejoice in the simplicity of it’s bare interior, rather than complain about it. It’s beautiful, exclusive, fun and has more soul that 100 Mitusbishi Evos combined.

In the past Alfas were known for being unreliable, uncomfortable and just plain hard to live with. Yet people loved them, driving them til the wheels fell off, bolting them back on and driving them some more. That was before my time, but I think I finally understand why.

-Zack K

My Corvette is probably my single most prized possesion. Surprised? Probably not. I bought it new in 1998 and have only put 24,000 miles on it in 12 years. I’ve also modified it considerably to improve not only the horsepower, but also the overall driving experience. I’ve made changes all over my car in the 12 years I’ve owned her, but the question is this: Has GM made the same changes that I’ve made to improve the car? Or is their vision of a better Corvette completely different from my own? Hit the jump to find out.

Despite being fat, bald, and fuzzy, I’m actually pretty good at talking to girls. I have no shame, which helps.

A warning: This story has nothing at all to do with cars. If all you care about is reading car news on this site, check out some other posts, but if you want some insight into the real life trials and tribulations of Matt Farah, this is one story you don’t want to miss. My two biggest influences in my life are standup comedian Jim Norton, who, as part of the Opie and Anthony show on XM, taught me that you can say absolutely horrible, offensive things in public, and still somehow make it socially acceptable, and Tucker Max, who taught me that you can take that kind of behavior and use it to talk to women successfully, then turn those experiences into stories with brutal honesty that will land you on the New York Times Bestseller List. Well, here’s a brutally honest story about how I had the chance to hook up with a supermodel, and blew it…. badly.

Last night, Tom and I went out for drinks on the Redondo Beach pier with our friend Michelle from Cardomain. We were at a bar called Old Tom’s, which is a cool “lighthouse” style bar with a 360 degree view of the Redondo Harbor. We expected it to be crazy, since last night was the start of Labor Day weekend, but the bar was surprisingly uneventful. We ordered several rounds of Mai Tais, simply because if you order a Mai Tai it comes with a souvenir glass, and Tom decided we needed more glasses. We already have 12 of them in our cabinet. We now have 16. Two older women at the bar come up to me with a guy, and say I look familliar. I think they may be fans or something, but they ask if I’m Dave Navarro from the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Obviously, I’m not, and even Dave Navarro, on the most coke he’s ever blown in his life, wouldn’t touch either of these women, so I walk away without even responding.

We leave the bar, somewhat bored, and on the way off the pier we walk past a small concert venue called Brixton. The Marquee says “Vitalogy,” a Pearl Jam tribute band. Many of you who watch the show have noticed the large tattoo on my left forearm, which is the Pearl Jam “Stickman” logo. That’s right, I have a band tattoo. I also have a tramp stamp, but that’s another story. I decide we must see this band, and get in line. The promoter sees my tattoo and comps our tickets. This is going well. We go to the bar right as Vitalogy comes on, and I have to say, they are excellent. But the bar is crowded, and I don’t want to have to go back to it again, so I order 8 Heinekens for me and Tom. Do you know how hard it is to drink a Heineken while standing up and holding 3 other open Henekens? They should give out certificates or something if you can pull that off while dancing to your favorite music in a crowded room.

This is when it gets good.

I see this smoking hot cougar about 20 feet away, make eye contact as I’m clapping 4 beer bottles against each other over my head. She laughs as one of the bottles overflows down my arm. Hey, I’ll take a laugh any way I can get it. I continue enjoying the music, glancing over every once in a while and smiling. Her face looks so familliar, but I can’t really place it. I’m sure the Mai Tai’s and Heinekens were helping with that.

Could have been worse though, Tom, who drank the same as me but weighs 150 lbs, decided he wanted to start a mosh pit. No one else in the crowd shared his enthusiasm, and the simultaneous piercing glare of 10-15 people at Tom nearly knocking over an entire liquor cabniet’s worth of drinks was enough to make me nearly fall over and spill what was left of my Heinekens.

As I’m putting empty bottles into my back pocket, I feel a tap on my right shoulder. I turn to look both ways, nothing, but the same woman was now a few feet behind me. Five minutes later, it happens again. Still apparently nothing. The third time I get tapped, I turn around to see this woman doubled over, laughing her ass off. Suddenly, I realize who this woman is: former supermodel Rachel Hunter, and ex-wife of Rod Stewart.

Now, despite being fat, bald, and fuzzy, I’m really good at talking to girls. I have no shame, which helps, so I will walk up to any woman I find attractive and just start talking to them. One of my best skills is storytelling, so I have an entire section of my brain stored up of great stories to tell people. However, I never, ever get approached by any girl that I would find even remotely attractive. To ugly girls, I’m fucking Spartacus, but when it comes to actual, attractive girls, I have to do all the legwork.

Now, finding Rachel Hunter playing the “tap on the shoulder” game with me threw me way off guard. I know the woman is 40 years old, but she’s still got it, I mean just smoking hot. And she’s at a PEARL JAM COVER BAND SHOW! She may as well be in my bedroom already. I know every word to every song. She’s impressed. We go to the bar and get another beer, finish it over chit chat, and go outside for a cigarette (don’t smoke kids, it’s bad for you. I, on the other hand, will probably die in a fiery car crash long before cigarettes will kill me).

Outside in the light, she tells her friends how bad she got me inside, and how I spilled beer down my arm, she even saw Tom’s attempted mosh pit. She thinks it’s all hilarious. I tell her how I thought the guy she was standing with (her friend’s husband) was her man, and how strange it was that he was 5’6″ and she was easily 6’3″ in high-heeled boots. She laughs and tells me she likes tall guys. I smile. (The irony of this statement will be seen later in the story)

Through this whole conversation, I never actually asked her name. As we finish our shared cigarette, we have the following conversation, which happened verbatim.

Me: I can’t believe I’ve waited so long to ask this, but what’s your name anyway? I’m Matt.

Her: Pleasure to meet you, Matt. I’m Angie.

Me: Oh, Angie. Nice. I gotta say, I thought I had a celebrity sighting there for a second.

Her: Oh yeah? Who did you think I was?

Me: Well, you’re a dead fucking ringer for Rachel Hunter.

Her: That’s funny, Rachel is a good friend of mine.

At this point, I’m actually quite confused.

Her: Yeah, my name is Angie Everhart.

Me: Fuck. My. Life.

Angie Everhart in 1998

…and today.

At this point, if you don’t know who Angie Everhart is, you should click here. The 120,000 images on Google Image Search should help. When you return to this article after 15 minutes or so of “man time,” we’ll continue the story.

My face turns beet, fucking red. In the late 90′s and early 2000′s, Angie Everhart was in every swimsuit catalog, Playboy twice, and was considered to be among the top 5 hottest women in the modeling industry. I even owned the February 2000 issue of Playboy in which Angie appeared on the cover, until I found, you know, internet porn. She used to date Prince Andrew, Sylvester Stallone, Howard Stern, and even Joe Pesci. I guess you don’t have to be tall if you were in My Cousin Vinny.

Angie sees my face, and hears my reaction, and immediately her and her friends start cracking up, not with me, but at me. Then, she feels bad for me, as a wave of full-on shame and embarrassment washes over me. I can actually feel the redness in my face pulsing through my normally thick skin. I am rendered, for perhaps the first time ever, totally speechless.

Angie: It’s OK, sweetie. You’re a funny guy. Don’t feel too bad.

This doesn’t help. I feel really bad. Not for her, mind you. I confused one 90′s supermodel for another, equally hot one. I feel bad for myself that I’ve just had this opportunity dropped right into my lap and I’ve completely blown it.

She left shortly after that, as one of her friends was apparently too wasted to be let back inside. She smiled, thanked me for the  drink and walked away. I didn’t see her again after that.

When I got home last night, my first thought was that I have to write this down and share it with people, because this is just the kind of ridiculous stuff that happens to me. But the story didn’t have an ending. She just walked away and I went back to drinking. I don’t remember much of the night after that, but the ending to the story came when I woke up this morning, and looked at my screen on my laptop.

You just can’t make this shit up. Welcome to my life.

Ford has announced that after 71 years in business, they will be closing the doors on the brand that Edsel Ford built, Mercury. This should come as a surprise to approximately no one, since Mercury has not had a bespoke car since the 2002 Cougar, and we all know how well that one went.

We honestly can’t even really think of a reason that Mercury has existed for so long, especially considering the whole brand has been a series of re-badges since the mid-80′s. Are there really people out there that want more than a Ford and less than a Lincoln?

The answer is yes, sometimes, but that number shrinks by the day. At one point, I was actually one of them.

In late 2001, I traded in my heavily modified 1994 Mustang GT for a 2002 Mercury Mountaineer V8 AWD. Philadelphia had taken its toll on the Mustang’s lowered suspension, and the New Jersey turnpike had trained me to hate all cars with three pedals (at least temporarily). The Mountaineer was the perfect college-mobile, with seating for 7, lots of storage space, and conservatively attractive styling. At the time, the new interior was a revelation, especially compared to the late-90′s Ford products, and it featured comfortable, two-tone seats and soft touch materials everywhere. I installed an amazing in-dash DVD system with TV’s in all the headrests and my car became the ultimate road-trip machine. In 3 years, I put 97,000 miles on that truck.

It certainly wasn’t perfect: I blew 2 transmissions in the first 60,000 miles, both replaced under warranty, and had issues with the trim pieces around the sunroof. A few buttons stopped working, and the truck got vandalized twice while parked on the street in Philadelphia, requiring two full repaints.

Nevertheless, I have very fond memories of my Mercury Mountaineer, and feel like I made a wise purchasing decision buy driving one for those three years.

The question is: why a Mountaineer and not an Explorer? Well, a friend of the family owns a Lincoln/Mercury dealership, and he offered me a great price. Plus, I like being a bit different, and while every soccer mom for a thousand miles was driving an Explorer at the time, the Mountaineer seemed to be a different (and better-looking) take on the same car.

Anyone else have a Mercury experience worth sharing? Will you miss Mercury? Or was it a lost cause from the beginning?

Speed, lots of power and…. GREEN? The hottest cars on the market today push the envelope when it comes to performance, fuel economy, technology. With cars like the Porsche 918 Spyder looming on the horizon, promising rediculous performance figures (198 MPH, 0-60 in 3.2 seconds, 718 HP, all while giving us 78 MPG), the future of cars truly lies in the maximization of a cars efficiency as opposed to the old school approach of building a strong chassis, and then simply throwing power at it until it goes like hell. As evidenced by the 918 Spyder, along with the new GT3 R Hybrid and Cayenne Hybrid, Porsche has spearheaded the movement they like to call “Intelligent Performance”. There is no doubt that these new hybrid cars give us both performance and efficiency. But what if you can’t wait for a Hybrid Porsche and have a budget that is much, much smaller than the $800,000+ estimated price of the 918 Spyder, or even the Cayenne Hybrid’s $67,700? How about if all you can afford is a bicycle but you want the looks of a GT3 RS? Well, I’ve got the solution for you: The Ferdinand GT3 RS

Hit the jump for the build gallery and more information…

Built from nothing more than a quad-cycle, PVC piping, packing tape, and dreams, the Ferdinand GT3 RS is the lifeblood of artist Hannes Langeder. Smitten by the curves of the original GT3 RS, Langeder used the Porsche as a muse for his interpretation of “speed”. While not exactly fast, it is definitely the most unique GT3 RS I have ever seen.

- Daniel Volz

Source: Stern

Despite the energy crisis and a recession, supercars seem to be getting better at an exponential rate. The future of the automobile is uncertain, making the future of the super-automobile even more shaky. Companies are fighting for a shrinking pie, one that got even smaller with the economic shit-storm of 2009.  But like the raging bull that graces the front of a Lamborghini, no one is going down easy. Each passing year is like another prick from the matador, only infuriating the bull and making it fight harder.

In 2010 the fight shows no signs of waning. There are handfuls of incredibly fast, beautiful and powerful cars coming our way. They are all so good, yet so different, the only answer I can think of to, “Which would you buy?” is “All of them!” And that got me thinking, what would I-or you-buy?

Today I’ve put together a list of 6 of the newest and best supercars of 2010. They all cost $200-250,000, are street legal, go like stink and are true supercars. I want you to read the list. Now close your eyes, and imagine someone just placed $250,000 on the table in front of you, and you have to use that money to buy one of these cars. (You can imagine they have a gun if it helps.)

You can only choose one, and it has to be from the list. I don’t want you to say “I’d buy 2 ZR1′s.” or “I’d buy a Hyundai Accent and invest the rest in moderate-return IRA’s and use that to purchase petroleum opt…” Yes you could build a GTR that’s faster, or a used 996 turbo and build it up to 1000hp. That’s not the point. What would you pick from this list of cars coming to us  in 2010, if you had the cash. Yeah, you better imagine I have a gun…

1. Audi R8 GT

First on the casting couch is Audi’s upcoming R8 GT. Think of this as an R8 “superleggera.” It makes 35 more horsepower than the R8 V10 but thanks to CFRP (carbon fiber reinforced plastic) body panels it also weighs 220lbs less the standard V10.  Thanks to the standard AWD it rockets to 60mph in only 3.5 seconds and tops out at 200mph.

There are a ton of track-oriented options available like a full roll cage, kill switch, cup tires and 6 piston ceramic brakes. Sadly no amount of money will get you a 6-speed manual, as this car is only offered with the R-Tronic transmission. Audi has taken the car that set a new standard for daily-driven supercars and simply turned the “super” knob up a little bit. It’s $256,000 of brilliant engineering that has only perfected it’s racing skill set.

2. Aston Martin V-12 Vantage

Originally Aston Martin had no intention of sending the V12 Vantage to the U.S. Odd, considering we are their biggest market. However enough customers sent enough gift baskets and now it’s headed here. It would have been a travesty to keep it from us. The V12 Vantage was described by Aston’s CEO as their “most agile car with their most powerful engine ever.” It won it’s class at the 24 Hours of Nurburgring while being piloted by the CEO and a team of engineers. People say Astons are filled with passion and soul, and I think that race is a clue as to why.

It has the classic long hood of a true sports car. The 510hp/420 tq. V-12 uses a 6-speed manual transmission to send power to the rear wheels only. Those 2 factors make this the “purist” car in the lineup. 0-60 happens in a brisk 4.1 seconds and the fun doesn’t stop until 190mph. The interior is beautiful without going soft.

The price is $250,000, or for another $13k in bragging rights  you can get the Carbon Black Limited Edition. It may not lap a track as fast as some of the others, and at 3700 lbs it’s also the heaviest, but it is stunning inside and out and you can’t argue with a V12 and a 6 speed.

3. Porsche GT2 RS

If people think the new Cayennes aren’t “Porsche enough” this car should balance that out. The standard GT2 is a 530hp, temperamental beast. It’s essentially the RWD purity of the GT3RS with the engine of a turbo, and the result was terrifying. If that car was scary, this one will simply cause drivers to go into catatonic shock. 620hp. 3,020lbs. 0-60 in 3.4 and the 747-like thrust doesn’t stop until 205mph. It’s simply the most powerful and fastest Porsche ever made, faster even than the Carrera GT.

Upgrades from the regular GT2 include a carbon fiber hood, wing, front splitter and intakes. It has a revised PSM (Porsche Stability Management) system, suspension and brakes. Special tires were made just for this car to handle the combination of grip and acceleration. This car calls back to the “glory” days of Porsche when they had lots of power, no amenities and could rip your head off if you looked at them wrong. It may not burble comfortably around town like a Turbo, but it’s time of 7:18 beat an Enzo around the ‘Ring. It’s like a Carrera GT without the sex appeal and-at $245,000-half the price. (Check out the video.)

4. Ferrari 458 Italia

Although I didn’t love the headlights when it first came out, I will now admit this is the best-looking car in this lineup. It’s angular yet supple, combing the sexy with the sinister. It’s 4.5 liter V8 makes 560hp at a sonorous 9,000RPM, yet somehow manages to make 80% of it’s 400 tq. at only 3,250RPM. Simply incredible. Of course it’s also the nerd of the group, with Ferrari’s E-Diff and F1 Traction Control. All this comes together in the form of 3.35 seconds to 60 and a 202mph top speed.

The interior is very modern-looking combination of creature comforts and racing tools. You can flip through the various settings with the manettino switch on the wheel, changing everything from how soft the shocks are to how hard the 7-speed DCT transmission shifts. You can also listen to music while directed by the SAT NAV.

The 458 is supercar technology at it’s highest, from the biggest name in the business. At $230,000 it seems like a bargain, but you’ll have to hire body guards to watch it 24/7 so you can sleep at night, and don’t forget about those maintenance costs.

5. Mercedes SLS AMG  Gullwing

The SLS was one of the most talked about and followed cars of recent years. Spy shots and speculation were blanketed on magazines and rumors about specs were more prevalent than HPV. Now it’s here, and what a car it is. The boys from Jalopnik put it bes; they expected a luxury car with some track ability, but got a track car that was also luxurious.

The outside, of course, is a call back to the original SL. The nose is longer than Mrs. Streisand’s but makes the overall shape downright gorgeous. I think it’s 2nd in the looks department only to the 458.  I was actually surprised it was priced at $200,000.

That money gets you 571hp and 480 tq. sent through a 7 speed trans-axle and shoved into a 3,571lb box. Its 0-60 time of 3.8s puts it in 5th place, but the top speed of 197 is on par with everyone else. It’s not as razor-sharp as the GT2, but is still fast on uneven roads, something the GT2 RS stumbles on. The soundtrack from the side pipes circles perfection. Gorgeous inside and out, and with doors that will elicit stares from any bystander, this car can turn heads and break necks.

6. Lamborghini LP560-4

Fittingly, the final contestant is a raging bull itself; the LP560-4. It won countless magazine showdowns when it hit the roads, combining beauty, brawn and brains into one incredible package. And because it’s a Lamborghini, it comes with a VIP card of mystique that goes back decades. Because it gets a lot of it’s parts from Audi (trades, rather) it also means the stuff all works. So you can go from 0 to 62 in 3.7 seconds all day long, instead of twice. Like the others, top speed is 200mph.

The body has the angular, aggressive face we’ve come to expect from Lamborghini, and it looks incredible. It’s low and short, and the AWD adds confidence to its agility, a deadly combo. It also comes with a 6 speed, so you can’t call it a video game. At $200,000 it may seem like the best choice; Italian looks and appeal, Audi reliability and serious performance. But it won’t be cheap for long. The options list is longer than the health care bill, and if you pick the wrong (or right?) paint color you’re looking at another $25,000. Just ordering the E-Gear tacks on $10,000. Still, an R8 V10 in an Italian body is difficult to walk past.

So there you have it, 6 of the best cars you can buy for about $250,000. Post below which one you would want, and tell us why. And don’t forget about the gun.

-Zack K

Autoblog just posted an article about how much gas we use as a country, and what cars will cost you per year in fuel. That’s all well and good, but the chart they use shows Forbes Magazine’s list of “high in demand” cars for 2010 at the bottom. That’s where things go wrong. Three BMW SUV’s, an Audi SUV, and a Toyota Matrix? I have a very hard time believing, with the exception, maybe, of the Q5, that these are the 5 most in-demand cars in the US. I mean, the X3 is on its last leg and everyone knows there’s a new one coming next year. So that can’t be selling well. The X6 has been out for a year now, and I haven’t seen more than 3 or 4 of them total on the streets of Los Angeles. So, what gives?

[Source: Auto Insurance for Autoblog.com]

This is one of the reasons I love living in Southern California. You see some of the craziest cars in everyday. I saw this DeLorean as I was trying to avoid traffic on the freeway. Out of nowhere, Doc rolls up in a fully Back to the Future II spec DeLorean. Everything down to the license plate and Mr. Fusion intake is correct.While I can’t be sure, I’m 99% certain that this is the actual movie car unless someone actually dedicated their life to BTTF cars.

- Daniel

I’ve attended a few import car shows recently and noticed a number of odd and confusing trends in the tuner world. Some are strange, some are silly, some are downright offensive. What they all have in common is that they cost a lot of money and are detrimental to the practicality, drive-ability and performance of the car. So we’d like to introduce a new segment called, “Why?”

Today’s focus is the trend called, “VIP style.” Its been popular in Japan for years, and as usual Americans have taken a shining to it. People take Japanese luxury sedans, usually a late-90s Lexus, and modify the body, interior, suspension and -most importantly- wheels to create a Frankken-Lexus luxury car.But like neons and modded minivans, I just don’t get it. The result is what you see here. It’s a car that tries to combine the extreme with the subtle. But like Dolly Parton wearing a turtle-neck, the extreme is far more noticeable than the luxury.

So you buy your Lexus. You drive home thinking, “Man this is comfortable. It’s so quiet and smooth, I feel like I’m in an isolation tank. I’ve never been so relaxed. This is bullshit. Man wasn’t meant to drive in serenity, and it’s up to me to save us.” So what do you do? You buy a set of 22″ rims with an 8 foot lip. Won’t fit you say? Ha, that’s because you were trying to bolt the wheels on vertically so the tire rested flat on the ground. Idiot. All you have to is shove the top of the wheel under the fender and leave the bottom sticking out. As long as there’s 1/2 inch of tire on the ground we’re all good. And don’t worry if it rubs and peels the finish off the rim, that turns girls on.

So I ask the  question, why. Why would you take some of Japans most comfortable, quiet and practical cars and give them so much camber that Lance Armstrong’s bike has more rubber-to-road contact? Can you imagine driving this in the rain? Or over a penny? I’m all for individualism and making a car your own. Sure, a 900hp car isn’t reliable, and race suspension isn’t comfortable on a road trip, but at least that has purpose. This is like taking your Honda Accord, putting the engine from a 1968 Alfa in it, and then driving home on only your rims.

Ironically, the “gentleman” driving this behemoth was a short, rather fit Mexican. I can tell you though, I’ve seen plenty of trucks on which this decal would be more appropriate. And on top of it all, this was in metro LA, not exactly where I would expect to see a truck like this…

-Daniel Volz

This is a question I posed to myself the other day while reading a comparison test of a VW GTI, Mazda 3 and Kia Forte sedan. The Kia got 3rd place, but was heralded for being a huge improvement over the last one. The author  said, “Kia has learned how to make a car turn. Uh oh.” They loved the Mazda 3, and of course blew their biggest kisses at the GTI (which it deserved). All 3 hold 5 people, handle pretty good,  are well equipped, and any of them is a good (and cheap) buy.

The cars have handling and acceleration that could have kept up with far more expensive cars of the 80s and 90s, and more gadgets than a 2000 Mercedes. A perfect example is the new V6 Mustang. It makes more power than the old V8, gets good mileage, looks good and drives great. It’s 0-60 time of 5.5 seconds would murder a 1975 Ferrari 308′s 6.5 second sprint and it cost $141,000  (adjusted for inflation). In fact, the “sporty” Toyota Sienna I ranted about last month would be neck and neck with Tom Selleck’s favorite prancing horse. It’s simply automotive evolution.

Evolution is nothing new of course. Every year cars have gotten a little bigger, faster, and better. Even the Model T had changes made during its life. For the 1911 model year it got front doors (ok maybe a medium-sized change). But it’s not that the evolution is new, or speeding up. It’s the fact that evolution at the top is slowing down.

When the Ferrai Enzo came out it made waves bigger than when Kim Kardashian forgot the toilet seat was up. In 2002 it set a new record for a production car on Ferrari’s test track. Last year the F430 Scuderia beat that record, and it’s smaller, lighter and cheaper. Sure, the Bugatti Veyron raised the bar of what is possible, but was it that big a jump from the McLaren F1? For a while, as the smaller, cheaper cars evolved, so did the luxury cars and supercars. But I think we’re hitting a wall, and that’s allowing the “pilot fish”, like the Kias and Mazda 3s, to catch up.

In 2007, TIME Magazine made a list of the 50 Worst Cars of All TIme, the most recent one was the 2004 Chevy SSR ( It was just a bad idea, plain and simple. Even if it had driven like a BMW and had the interior of a Rolls, it was just plain stupid). Only 5 cars were post-2000 models, and they were all mistakes from which we learned a lot (Pontiac Aztek; Never again.) If this list was made again in 10 years, or even 30, how much will it have changed.

"And don't show your face here again!"

That’s good news for consumers, it just makes me wonder if there will be a day when no car is truly “bad.” Diesel cars used to be noisy: no longer. FWD cars couldn’t handle, but now they’re pretty good at it. Heavy cars rolled over faster than a heroin-addicted snitch, but now even the 5000lb BMW 550i corners flat. Hell, my friend’s 2004 V8 Toyota 4runner handled better than most pre-2000 passenger cars I’ve driven. Is the future full of quiet, smooth, fast, agile, comfortable cars, regardless of their price or brand?

American cars are catching up in quality and handling, the Germans are catching the Japanese with hybrid technology, and the Koreans are quickly catching up to everyone. Everyone wants everything from their car, and slowly car makers are figuring out how to do that. I mean, there’s a minivan with sport suspension and new trucks handle better than 4 year old cars. We’re heading to an all-inclusive automobile. And as nice as it is to have car quality-in all aspects-getting better, I hope we do have another Pinto, Aztek, or Le Baron. After all, how can you appreciate a sunny day…

…if you don’t see clouds once in a while?

So I pose my question to you: Do you think cars are collectively getting better, and at some point you could be happy with almost any of them? Or do you think we are human, and mistakes-like a 2015 Aztek-will continue to happen?

- Zack K

Upgrade your Stang to run with the big boys with V6 Mustang parts from AmericanMuscle.

Celebrity cars are all over LA. Some are beautiful, others very plain. But sometimes they just make you shake your head. The car in the picture above is actually Candy Metallic Pink. (I think the color broke the camera on my iPhone.) It belongs to the MTV VJ LaLa. Instead of wasting my words here, why don’t you guys tell me what comes to mind when you see something like this?

- Daniel Volz

Driving around my neighborhood in Los Angeles, I see a lot of nice cars everyday. From Exotics to 4×4′s, from a yellow  Phantom Drophead Coupe to Fabio, rolling around in his SL65. As you can imagine, after a while one becomes jaded. I find myself ho-humming at the sound of a Gallardo bouncing off the rev limiter and I no longer have flashbacks to my alien abduction when I see an R8 in my rear view mirror. However, sometimes something will grab my attention, unfortunately it’s usually something like this hideous Ford Escape. It’s about as visually pleasing as being shaken awake by a Lowland Gorilla while wearing a banana suit.

Verdict on the Fast & Furious Escape Hybrid with Robo-Orca-Tail-Shopping-Cart Handle: FAIL.

- Daniel Volz

The Smoking Tire’s Matt Farah meets a weird French Chef who takes him on a road trip to Santa Barbara in the Hyundai Genesis Coupe to find fresh ingredients and wine for a meal. Then things start getting strange. Don’t play with knives in a moving car, kids.

Minivans are boring, they just are. While they are incredibly practical, and achieve their goals with far more ease and speed than any wagon or SUV could dream of, they have the balls of a minnow. Add to that a driving experience of a Tuff Shed in a pool of Jell-O and you have a vehicle that was anything but exciting.
Toyota wants to change that.

But re-branding yourself-and convincing the public it’s real- is easier said than done. We only have to look at the recent influx of aging actors-turned-musicians as proof (examples). Still, chief designer of the Toyota’s minivan division, Kazuo Mori is going to give it a shot. A former go-kart racer, Mori dreamed of designing sports cars, but for 17 years he’s been drawing slant-nosed garden sheds whose future is filled with Dora The Explorer DVDs and spilled snacks.

I guess after 17 years Mori just couldn’t take it anymore, so for 2010 he tried to inject a little sports-car hormone into the minivan. Chassis tuning, firmer dampers, and a new electronic steering box cut body roll and allow you to actually feel the road (what an idea!). If you want to go Auto-Xing, but also have to babysit your kids, opt for the SE model which gets 17-inch wheels, a body kit, stiffer suspension and further-tuned steering. A 266hp 3.5 liter V6 is available in all trim levels, and hurls, I mean coaxes, the 4300lb play-pen to 60mph in 7.2 seconds.

A new marketing campaign (video here) is drilling the idea that this minivan is “for the guys”, but their casting choice for the commercial is more Larry David than Eric Bana. And while the adds are funny and clever, they hardly highlight the “sportiness”, instead playing to the traditional crowd of parents who are too busy loading 2-ton boxes of diapers and figuring out how to make sure their kids never work in a business that requires body glitter and metal poles to enjoy a fun drive.

After all that work, my opinion on minivans remains the same; they’re boring. This is the sportiest minivan available, but at the end of it all, it’s a friggin’ minivan. Even if it was as fast as a Veyron, it’s body is as exciting as an art smock. It’s not the performance (or lack thereof) that has given minivans their stigma, it’s the overall experience. They are a vehicular muscle relaxer. And while I have nothing against Mr. Mori himself, this makes me even more disappointed in Toyota than ever. Producing nothing but hybrids and mundane family sedans had already put them in the category of books-on-tape excitement. Now they invest time and money, not to mention valuable oxygen, discussing how to make a performance minivan.

Minivans get the job done, and if you want one, fine. But call a spade a spade. Don’t tell me it’s sporty, track-tuned, or was tested on the ‘Ring while playing Homeward Bound 5. And when the sportiest vehicle in your lineup is a minivan, it’s time to take a long look at yourself. Toyota has made some incredible cars in the past, and we want that Toyota back. Let’s all chip in and send Toyota a Ferrari and a Sienna-sized testosterone pill, before they build a “rally-inspired” Prius. Personally I’d rather have a few minutes of inconvenience a day and drive a sport wagon.

-Zack K

The Aston Martin One-77: What’s not to like? Despite its million-dollar plus price tag, if I could afford one, they would already have my deposit. But if I were sitting on, say, $23,000,000, I could probably find something more creative to do with it than buy myself and 9 of my family members the same exact supercar. But in the Middle East, where creativity is frowned upon and only excess exceeds, someone with too much money and too little taste has done just that. Ten One-77′s for $23,000,000. We hear that at first, Aston Martin was reluctant to sell that many cars to a single person, especially given the car’s limited production run. Unsurprisingly, paying about a 75% premium on the cars’ actual values greased the wheels a bit.

Source [Luxury4Play.com]

(Parts 1 and 2 can be found here and here, respectively.)

Night was falling fast: by the time we gave on the bathroom and got on the highway, it was already dark. I gingerly tiptoed past a speed trap, all the while keeping my eye on the Suzuki Vitara that, mercifully, didn’t bother pursuing us. Just as well, too; I wouldn’t know what “do you know how fast you were goin’?” sounded like in Spanish, anyway.  Speed cameras, which the GPS system thoughtfully warned us about, were everywhere: on the tops of tunnels, in the bushes on the median, mounted secretly in the back of vans, underneath Avatar billboards (I saw 15 in one day—5 of which were at the same bus stop). I slowed down to 50kph every time the annoying beep emanated from the dashboard, but soon gave up as soon as I saw traffic flying past us. Evidently the Spanish have far less to lose when it comes to racking up traffic violations.

Eventually we were stopped by a tollbooth, and being late after a long day and not wanting to dice it up with traffic, we pulled into the first lane we saw.

There was no booth here—no tollbooth collector, no ticket dispenser or digital readout showing how much we owed. Nothing was on the machine except a small card reader, which we gawked at like it was the monolith from 2001. “What the hell is this?” My dad asked out loud to nobody in particular. “Where do you put the money in?” He fumbled through his wallet for a credit card then slowly stuck it into the slot. The LCD screen swore at us in a string of gibberish. He tried it again, magnetic reader up, to the left, to the right, and down. No reaction.

I looked behind us. Three cars had queued up behind us, part of the evening rush. Next to us, cars were whisking through their toll lanes with aplomb. In front was a solid arm barrier. It was a flimsy-looking piece, mounted by a mere two bolts, a little above hood level. Slamming on the gas and lurching forward would be quick and effortless. Couldn’t do much damage to our car, right? Sure, they might catch us on videotape, but by the time they got around to tracking down the paperwork we’d be 39,000 feet over the North Atlantic. “Go for it!” I suggested, half seriously. What other option did we have?

“Do something!” my mom yelled, leaning forward and slamming her hand on the emergency blinker. Almost instantly, the drivers’ angry faces were placated as they slowly shuffled out of the toll lane, in reverse. There was no honking or rapid-paced cursing. We joined them in backing out of the lane, then dashed across three lanes in almost perpendicular fashion, swinging the car around to another lane with an actual human being in it. In Massachusetts we would have been tarred and feathered as a warning to others.

Dramatic highway ordeal over, we stopped at a rest area that sold beer, condoms, hardcore pornography, Bacardi Breezers, and the entire Twilight series in paperback.

We bought none of those things. Instead, we drove past Barcelona and headed straight for the airport, our road tour of southeastern Spain over, away from the crowds and into the magnificent scenery that I didn’t bother photographing. Finding a gas station proved to be tricky: we circled the same roundabout 4 or 5 times, up and down a grid of rainy streets in a nondescript industrial park, underneath the massive upright tanks of the nearby Estrella Damm brewery. I didn’t even know why I was in such a rush to get rid of it. We had the car until noon the next day, evidently.

And it wasn’t a particularly bad car, either: sure, it was painfully slow, and downshifting on the notchy gearlever to wring that extra hidden burst of speed soon grew tedious, but I expected as much from a car with less displacement than a Big Gulp. It proved to be a surprisingly comfortable highway cruiser, riding smoothly and competently fending off crosswinds, 20-wheel trucks and mad Peugeots. After 350 kilometers, the fuel gauge had barely registered a dent. And since buying gasoline in Europe involves a second mortgage and a firstborn daughter, we were more than grateful for this.

And I could drive it a damn sight better than my old man.

- Blake Rong

Part 1 can be found here.

For about 90 kilometers the highway wound through the open countryside, full of sloping, featureless farmland and terrain that seem to have been transplanted from western Pennsylvania. The novelty of tooling around Europe in a funny little hatchback was starting to wear off, so I turned on Spanish radio for a while. Ever get the impression that foreign languages are spoken at a far faster clip than English? By the time an English speaker hammers out “I’ll have a coffee and an amaretto sour,” a Spanish man will have already explained the plot details of Wuthering Heights and seduced your wife in the process. I tried to decipher some of the verbal barrage machine-gunning through the cabin, and an angrily-driven Peugeot 308, lights flashing, almost plowed into the back of our glacially-accelerating Corsa at approximately half the speed of sound. So I turned the radio back off.

Eventually, we got off the motorway and onto the smaller roads. Here we were just a stone’s throw from France, 40km, a country whose language I could actually somewhat speak. At the very edge of the horizon peered the white tips of the Pyrenees. Underneath them, the rolling plains gave way to squat, squared-off industrial buildings, gas stations and big-box stores: we were driving through a Spanish strip mall. And between the highway and our little resort town, we had to traverse the entire continent’s supply of roundabouts.

“Drive, 200 metres, then enter roundabout. Take the, third, exit. Followed by, a roundabout.”

Despite the signs, Cadaqués didn’t seem to get any closer. Little white houses dotted the base of the mountains like powdered sugar on ice cream. I would build up speed in 3^rd gear, then 20 seconds later slow to 2^nd, circumnavigate half the roundabout, and upshift just in time to frustratingly slam on the brakes for the next one. A Peugeot minivan passed us in a huff, children glaring at me in the back row. This went on for about 20 minutes.

After a while, the flat, featureless highway gave way to an even narrower two-lane road, the last of the side exits disappeared, and the cars slowly thinned out.

It was the sort of driving road car enthusiasts wept over in magazines. The coastal road—the only road into Cadaqués—quickly narrowed, the space between oncoming corners fell to a few feet, rendering every oncoming car a sphincter-tightening moment.  To the right was a sheer 40-foot drop into a tree-lined valley with the guardrail missing in many places. Empty grape vines crossed the hills in neat, evenly-spaced rows, scrounging whatever heat they could extract from the crisp winter air. Beyond the mountains, the Mediterranean stretched out in front of us on the horizon—a tranquil, picture-perfect view of the Old World and the mysteries and the adventures that lay ahead. And then, we got stuck behind a cement truck.

I worked the gearbox furiously between second and third, daring to pick up extra speed, while my mom yelled angrily from the backseat. “DON’T DRIVE SO FAST!” she hollered in that tone mothers get when they insist, almost militantly, on your safety. Only I wasn’t; I was merely keeping the 1.2 liter engine above sea level and with enough power to get around the next corner.

Clearly, the locals knew every corner and could nail every apex with aplomb with the sort of experience garnered only through years and years of imitating Jacky Ickx. The cement truck pulled over at a scenic turnoff to let us pass: us and three cars behind me that had gathered. This included a bright red Volvo 240 wagon that flew up seemingly from nowhere, an inch off my rear bumper—he was goading me to move faster, only slowing to brake early and keep its massive heft in check, keeping pace right behind me in a 20-year old Swedish meatball with the handling properties of a double-wide outhouse. If I obliged, my mother would yell louder and angrier. If I didn’t, the Volvo’s gigantic metal bumper would gladly punt me off the cliff. They wouldn’t find us for days, just a couple of Yank tourists lost in the mountains.

In the end, however, I was relieved of my road-blocking duties by yet another bright red wagon: a nippy little Honda Jazz that had tore past the Volvo at breakneck speed and now had me in my sights. Had he been a less brave man he could have waited for one of the relatively few straights, but he took his chances around the outside corner of a tight right-hander. Here was a man who knew how the game worked. Oncoming traffic was bearing down on him, the corner was blind, off-camber, and pants-wettingly treacherous, but the foolhardy Spaniard could care less.  A gigantic eye-searing tomato streaking past my window, the tiny Honda passed me with a vigor that could have only come from years of practice on these very roads. After he merged back in front of me he gunned it with a shriek, and in three corners he disappeared out of sight.

Screw this. I hung it in 3^rd, leaned back, and enjoyed the scenery.

We slowly found our way into the center of the sleepy fishing town, past the narrow, stone-white buildings and the occasional brightly-colored storefront breaking the monotony. Most of them were closed for the holidays. What stroller-pushing tourists that weren’t already seated at a café were wandering the streets aimlessly. Down the hill, a line of orange-reddish terra cotta roofs dotted the coastline: small roads were cut into the hills and one-garage duplexes sprouted atop. It looked like a scaled-down version of the Los Angeles hills.

I parked the car in the first space I saw. The short strip of rock-strewn sand quickly gave way to the icy Mediterranean. The two sizeable restaurants by the water were packed—understandably—and the lone waiter hurried from table to outdoor table, packed with errant Americans and coffee-swilling fathers—no position to even notice us. Even in the dead of winter the tourists came in droves; they just didn’t stay around very long.

Picasso had stayed here for a summer when he was 29, painting The Port at Cadaques as a reflection of the harbor; though in his famous Cubist style it’s hard to tell at first glance. Marcel Duchamp, the famous French surrealist, honed his passion for chess against the local fishermen, whom he found to be formidable opponents. Salvador Dali proclaimed that he had been “quenched by light and colour” when he visited in 1920—his house today is a museum dedicated to his work.

We didn’t notice any of these things at the time, however, because we were craving seafood. So we went to a restaurant that was all out of it.

“Codfish?” I asked, pointing at the menu like I was hungover at a Denny’s.

“No.” She shook her head slowly.

“Ok, then.” Sardines it is.

“No,” she repeated, shaking her head again, as if she was comforting someone who had just lost a dog.

Surprisingly, however, the enormous plate steamed mussels coupled with gazpacho managed to be filling in a way clams usually aren’t expected to. The bartender hurried over, a lanky, frizzy-haired man who we were told understood English, and enthusiastically showed us the 2008 Don Hugo Tempranillo Rosado we had just dusted off in addition to our pitcher of sangria, diced orange chunks floating merrily on top. We finished our dessert coffees, paid the bill, and ambled about town a bit: my mother took some pictures, and my dad instructed me on the finer points of uphill clutch dumping. The town held no more secrets for us (not that we had tried to uncover any), and we soon left the way we came.

Back on the road, we took a right turn down another scenic drive and promptly ended up in La Port de Selva, a grim little seafaring town with no discernable life whatsoever. The brochure claimed that this was a charming little tourist spot during the summertime, but here in the dead of December it was a grey, lifeless ghost town. Dusty yachts sat naked on the side of the road. Construction zones popped up every 10 feet. Everything appeared a monotonous shade of grey, from the top of the roofs snaking along the mountains to the few cars strewn about the parking lot in front of the communal beach. It was also a town without a bathroom, as I learned from a stone-faced bartender and a supermarket checkout girl, the latter who gawked at me like I had crawled naked out of a storm drain.

At this point, we gave up on the lighthouse (and my bathroom) and started to head back home.

I passed the helm onto my dad, in whom I had supreme confidence in his driving abilities. Here was the man who had taught me to drive, doing loops in the high school parking lot in our 1996 Nissan Sentra XE. He hadn’t flinched when I suggested that his next car (he got bored with cars easily, switching them out every 3 or 4 years) should sprout a third pedal. So I was surprised, to say the least, when he took a wrong turn, backed the car down a slight incline, put it in 1^st and promptly lurched forward into a curbstone with a piercing CRUNCH. Some locals looked up from their Diari de Girona. “I know how to drive manual,” he explained, “I just haven’t done it in 20 years.”

“You better drive,” he then said, hurriedly stopping the car and almost forgetting to set the parking brake.

(Stay tuned for Part 3…)

- Blake Rong

They really like wine in Spain, I had noticed. Walk into any convenience store or side stand and you’ll see racks of the stuff: Rioja, Secastillo, Tinto de verano, Sangre de Toro, in full view and right by the entrance. It pours forth at restaurants with a alacrity normally reserved for Bacardi Breezers at TGI Friday’s. The Mediterranean winds that kiss the tops of the cordilleras form hot, exotic climates, perfect for the ripe varieties of Ribera del Duero, Penedès, and Garnacha grown and bottled under the strict Denominación de Origen system. And that’s before one dives into the world of sherry, porto (from neighboring Portugal) and, of course, sangria and calimocho, the latter a 50/50 split of wine and Coke that reflects the Spanish ingenuity of mixing daring wine-based concoctions.

I may have been imbibing some myself when I conceived the idea at the last possible second. Our travel guide had, tucked away on page 116, a short one-paragraph blurb about a secluded resort town on the coast of the Mediterranean, up the Costa Brava (the “wild coast”) and neatly tucked away from civilization, where the mountains would soar, the wine would flow like waterfalls, the women would be curvy olive-skinned beauties and the roads would be free of diesel Skodas. “Just a short drive north,” our Eyewitness Travel Barcelona guide proclaimed. “One of Catalonia’s trendiest beach towns,” it continued. “The picture-perfect scenery will leave you speechless!”

“It’ll be fun!” I hammered incessantly to my parents, who were busy doing touristy things like fumbling with their maps in broad daylight and scoping out the nearest McDonald’s (of which I was guilty of, but only once). The Barcelona vacation was their idea, and they controlled the checkbook. But I was in charge of the itinerary, and there’s only so much Gothic Olde Worlde streets you can wear out your Skechers on before you complain about how tiny all the cars are and that you really crave a diet Pibb.

Eventually, they capitulated.

So on the fourth day of our whirlwind Barcelona vacation, my parents and I found in our possession an Opel Corsa D with a five-speed manual and a Garmin Nuvi GPS system, courtesy of the nice woman at the Hertz of Aeropuerto de Barcelona who had thrown in the GPS for free and saved us from having to eat each other once we wandered off into the Pyrenees. We would look for Cadaqués, the resort town by the sea, a favorite vacation spot of Picasso, Dali, and Marcel Duchamp. And I had left my license back at the hotel, but no matter: the coast roads of Catalonia were simply waiting to be conquered, atop my mighty 1.2 Ecotec steed.

Midday Barcelona traffic on the AP-7 was cramped but flowing, with a steady, unaggressive stream of traffic merging at 60kph. The motorway passed through central Barcelona and winded its way up north through tunnel after tunnel. Up ahead in one some truck had eaten it and was holding up the right lane: lights, high-vis jackets, the usual roadside panic. As traffic merged, I slowed down, downshifted, and clumsily stalled the car at 40kph in the middle of the crowded tunnel. Traffic piled on behind me. I fumbled for the keys, hearing the starter motor grind itself back into life, jamming the clutch down—stalling it once again.

If this had happened back home in Massachusetts, I would have been executed by firing squad. But no, the Spanish motorists behind me were, for reasons inexplicable to my cold and misanthropic heart, understanding and sympathetic, lining up behind me with nonchalant patience. The air was still with the sound of horns not being pressed. Traffic was still moving on the left lane, and after I had finally remembered the pedal/clutch relationship, the middle lane started moving again. We were finally on our way out of Barcelona proper, and on our way to getting spectacularly lost.

(Part 2 to follow…)

- Blake Rong

Autowriters.com is a monthly newsletter sent out to all the automotive journalists, and while I have to be honest and say it’s normally not worth reading, this time is different because it’s about meeeeee! For all those people who want to know “how did I get here,” this is your answer. It’s a nice piece, right up until he misspells the name of The Smoking Tire, the website, and the link. However, if you’re reading this here, that shouldn’t be a problem!

*Edit: just found out I posted a bad link. OOps, fixed it now!*

Read it here on Autowriters.com

For a modern, trendy city like Barcelona, it’s rare to see any old classic car still puttering the streets. And when I say “classic car,” I don’t mean beautifully restored E-Types or period-patina’d Citroen SMs; I generally mean anything non-diesel built before the SALT II talks. Most people either keep their rare exotica hidden away from the bustle of city life, or generally don’t bother holding onto something so old. And why would they? Used modern hatchbacks are cheap enough to get rid of the old clunkers.

But here, hidden among the Peugeot 306 wagons and SEAT Toledo TDIs (why they would name a car after a depressing city in Ohio is anyone’s guess) is a callback to another era, a working man’s car and today either a chic fashion statement—as all city cars eventually become—or a faithful old friend, depending on how you look at it. It’s the Renault 4, which can rightfully be considered the granddaddy to all these modern-day pretenders.

There’s not much to be said for automotive longevity these days. The unloved PT Cruiser, which can certainly call this a direct ancestor, has been around since late 1999 and is now only being chased off the market. Pah! The Renault 4 has been ferrying cheese-eating surrender monkeys (and many, many other people) virtually unchanged for almost 40 years. From 1961 to 1994, over 8 million of these baguette-ferrying 4s left the factories of 11 countries, including Spain (Valladolid). The closest thing we have is the Ford Ranger, which only feels as old.

The drab shoebox 4 was also innovative: it was famous for being one of the first hatchbacks in production, setting the standard for the modern small city car. Like any automotive first, however, it’s a matter of debate. The Citroën Traction Avant of 1934 had a top-hinged door. But they never built 8 million of those.

And parked around the corner from the Park Güell, the wonderfully dorky Renault manages to fit in with legendary architect Antoni Gaudí’s colorful Modernist vision. Both are cartoonish, weird, and all too easily written off as goofy-looking curiosities to the unitiated. But both have become minor cultural symbols in their own right. Both have been heralded for their groundbreaking quirks (the wheelbase is a few inches longer on the right than the left, due to the transverse torsion bars). And both are designed for the masses: the world car for all people, outside the park of a world-class city.

In Colombia the Renault 4 was nicknamed the amigo fiel, or “faithful friend.”And the fact that these three are still sticking around, even when their owners could have scrapped them in favor of some diesel Skoda, doesn’t make that nickname a surprise.

- Blake Rong

(All photos by the author. Renault 4 ads from allez-y.info.)

Used Cars

Yes, it’s true that the new 5.0 Liter engine in the new Mustang GT is the worst kept secret of all time. I went to the press event a couple weeks ago, where in a very serious tone, Mark Fields, Ford’s best public speaker, told a room of 150 journalists that they couldn’t say peep about the new 2011 Mustang GT’s powerplant until today, December 28th. That embargo lasted exactly 1 hour, and was broken by basically everyone.

This site isn’t yet big enough to play the racing game with the major sites yet, so we try to focus on other things that people might be interested in. Like the story of the headers on the new 2011 Mustang GT.

For years, you couldn’t even call a factory exhaust manifold a “header,” and for good reason. They were heavy, restrictive, and ugly, and most certainly in the top five most upgraded parts of all time. In high school, I had a Mustang, and the exhaust manifolds were the first thing to go; i replaced them with some BBK jet-coated headers.

Ford needed to make big power out of the new 5.0′s engine, and in a very short amount of time. Plus, it seemed obvious to the engineering team that, if it was going to be done in the aftermarket, it may as well be done in-house and with a warranty. (For the record, Thanks. -MF) The engineers came up with a design, and when the first prototypes arrived from their [unnamed] supplier, they looked terrible. Instead of waiting for a new design to be prototyped, created in CAD, then plastic, then metal, one of the engineers simply went home over the weekend with a welder and some mandrel-bent pipe, and made the header in his garage. Come Monday morning, the dyno numbers didn’t lie, and the factory Mustang header was born. Hell hath frozen over, now maybe my mom will approve of my tattoos.

Improve your track times with Mustang headers from American Muscle.

I greatly respect Jeremy Clarkson for many reasons. He basically does the best possible version of what I could be doing, and makes a ton of money doing it, but more importantly, he has found a way to drive sports cars for a living, and keep it going for nearly thirty years, all the while expressing his true opinions virtually uncensored. I, for one, can tell you how difficult that actually is, because I’ve just barely scrapped my way through the first 10 percent of that, and some people seem to think I’m successful.

But the bottom line is, there’s a reason that Pearl Jam sounds kind of like The Who, there’s a reason that Beyonce’s hair looks like Diana Ross’s and there’s a reason the The Smoking Tire and Garage419 are often compared to Top Gear. It’s a matter of influence, and clearly, we like what we’ve been watching.

I was astonished to learn, on a recent trip to Wikipedia, exactly how many videos Clarkson has actually produced, independent from Top Gear. “Duel” marks Clarkson’s twenty-first sports car film. I have only seen three, “Thriller,” “Supercar Showdown,” and now “Duel.”

As the name implies, “Duel” attempts to solve some of the burning questions that swirl in the minds of gearheads the world over. It starts off well, with Clarkson and The Stig attempting to find out what the best car is for drifting, but quickly degenerates from there into over-the-top silliness that turns Jeremy into almost a caricature of himself. Of course, there are some hilarious moments, and as you could expect, plenty of vehicular destruction.

A welcome appearance from Tiff and Vicki from Fifth Gear was nearly ruined by the fact that Tiff is such a terrible actor, you could tell the whole gag was scripted, even though he’s quite good at doing car reviews on his own show, but the Stig attempting to flirt with Vicki made up for it.

But here’s the biggest problem wth “Duel.” Every, single car featured in the DVD has already somehow been used for an episode of Top Gear. So, while “Duel” is most certainly funny and a very entertaining hour, is it worth actually going to a store and buying?

Let’s just say I downloaded the torrent.

I get lots of emails from fans of our show, and many of them ask about techniques and equipment that we use to shoot our show. While we can’t give everything away, we can certainly help you guys get started if you’re really interested in making car videos either commercially or just for own personal entertainment. Our good friend Craig Lieberman, who has appeared quite a few times on Garage419, and who has many years in the automotive video game (he was the Technical Advisor on Fast and the Furious 1 and 2), has put together a great article for Apex Kings about how to get started making videos, and how it’s not as difficult (or expensive!) to get great footage as you might think.

Read the Article Here

This is a fantastic letter written by Andy Wilman, the creator of Top Gear, which not only explains the new direction of this season, but also explains why sometimes on The Smoking Tire we try to do things that are a little bit different or a little bit out there.

Read the letter HERE.

Ordinarily, any vehicle with the word Mansory attached to it is sure to be a gaudy, tasteless mess. Now, gaudy and tasteless I can deal with, since I truly enjoy cars like the Sultan of Brunei’s collection of custom Ferrari 456 Wagons, and even a gold-wrapped Lamborghini LM002 from the Gold Rush Rally.

Mansory, on the other hand, has some true abominations, the worst of which was a V8 Vantage bodykit I saw at the 2008 New York Auto Show. Knowing their history of butchering Astons, I was skeptical when I first heard about their “Cyrus” project, a $600,000 rebody for a DB9 that makes the car look more like the One-Seven-Seven hyperexotic.

I have to say, I really like this one. No, it isn’t tasteful in any way, but bare carbon fiber always looks great and for once the bodykit isn’t a two-tone, gold plated nightmare. Sure the mail-slot center exhaust might be a bit much, but the seats more than make up for it. What’s your take?

[Source: Autoblog, via Jonny Lieberman]

This is a screen cap from the new DVD Super Speeders 5: Out of Control, of which I am a co-star. We will be posting a Super Speeders-related video in a few hours, but here’s the primer: if you order the DVD from www.superspeeders.com and use promo code TST09, you will get free shipping! Great last-minute gift idea.

Got a Fail Day photo? SEND IT IN!

Put the paddles down, turn off the heart monitor, the doctor has called it. SAAB is officially being laid to rest by GM. After unsuccessfully trying to sell the company first to Koenigsegg, and then to Spyker Cars. Either deal would have meant these brilliant super-car makers were expanding into mass-production. Who knows what SAABs with some Koenigsegg DNA would have been like, but I bet it would be a helluva lot more exciting than the ones GM made. Along with the death of the SAAB brand goes 1,100 dealerships and 3,400 jobs. While we may not have wanted to buy them, those employees damn well wanted to keep making them.

It had been coming for 10 months. And while I love Koenigsegg and Spyker to death, it’s a bad day when a 60+ year old maker of passenger cars knocks on their door for money. You want an offer from Honda, or Ford, or Fiat, not from the new whiz-kid. SAAB had done some innovative, and oftentimes weird, things in its day. It made turbo-charging efficient, centrally-locking doors commonplace, and proved that packaged correctly, a FWD car could compete with with BMW and Mercedes.

1979 SAAB 900

But, no offense, SAAB  kind of stalled. The SAAB 900 was built for over 20 years, but the looks (inside and out) never really changed that much. I know people like brand-recognition, but updates are nice. BMWs are still BMWs, and their styling changes every few years. Browsing today I found that fans loved the SAAB 900, but there was hardly a whisper about anything made since. In fact, in JALOPNIK’s top 5 SAAB’s of all time, the 1993 900 is the most recent model. The design hardly changed in 20 years, and in the case of the 900, that’s not a good thing. You could make an Alpha 8C for 100 years, and I’ll still love its looks. Not the case with the 900. They needed diversity and progression. Add to that GM taking it over and providing them with the same cheap parts-bin that sent all their companies into a tail-spin, and the writing was on the wall.

1993 SAAB 900

It’s a sad day when any car company goes under. I love cars, I love the diversity all the various makers provide, good and bad. And SAABs had quirks, but they had their brilliance too. They weren’t like Saturn, which I gladly say goodbye to, because they were an original. They won rally championships, set the endurance/speed record at Talladega Speedway, put the key by the e-brake, and had ads that showcased the comfort of sleeping in your car. They cultivated a dedicated following of loyalists who describe their cars as “beautiful”, “perfect” and “most handsome car of all time.”If SAAB hadn’t been a part of GM, who knows what would have happened. They weren’t the most exciting car-maker, but they also didn’t deserve to be killed by GM’s market-saturated-implosion. Its weird to say “RIP” about a company that still makes fighter jets…

Watch SAAB Surprise Jeremy Clarkson

Look at what I stumbled across in Aisle 7 (Bath products, Automotive, Office Supplies, Toys, Seasonal) at Price Chopper:

Chevy never put a V8 in the Vega. After all, why would they? The zoomy Camaro (on which the Vega’s looks were based on) came with a stonkin’ 402 cubic-inch V8 in 1971, the year of the Vega’s introduction, and it could seat 4 bleach-blonde Ted Nugent groupies just as easily. Sure, the Camaro would be castrated to a piddling 180 horsepower in top trim by the time the Vega ignominiously bowed out in 1977, but who was surprised? After all, we voted Jimmy Carter for president!

That’s why it’s baffling that Hot Wheels would immortalize the Chevy Vega, perennial “Worst Car In The World” list-topper, with this snazzy teal tape-striped little number. Mercifully lacking the worst excesses of Malaise-era car customizing (Day-Glo stripes, screaming chickens, T-Tops, Ram Air scoops, etc.), the economical 70s runabout is a strange car from a toy line famous for its Deora, Twin Mill, and Red Baron flights of fancy—what’s next, a 1979 Dodge St. Regis in Sable Tan Sunfire Metallic with 8-track and full vinyl option? Buy this for your kids and they will instantly lose it under the refrigerator.

Yet given enough patience, your kids will come to appreciate the eccentricities of this little Vega: after all, it can’t warp aluminum engine blocks or shoot unburnt gasoline through the exhaust like the real thing. It claims to be a Custom V8 Vega, but let’s face it—with no official V8 model ever sold from the factory, and the enticing word “custom” in the title, who knows what’s in it? Let your imagination run wild! It could be a 302 hooked up to a Turbo-Hydramatic, similar to what Hot Rod Magazine was offering back in the day. It could be a super-rare Baldwin-Motion LT-1 350, of which only 3 exist. Or, hell, there’s a firebreathing 572 under there, pumping out 700 horsepower (imagine the rattles!) and worth more than the car itself, or a Rolls-Royce Griffon V12 ripped out of a Bristol Beaufighter, or an Incom 4L4 fusial thrust engine, or a Bistromathic. That’s the charm of Hot Wheels: encouraging young hot-rodders to perform engine swaps without regalvanizing subframes that have the consistency of Swiss cheese.

And at least the Hot Wheels model will rust slower.

- Blake “I’m secure enough to admit I still collect Hot Wheels toys” Rong

[So do I.] – Matt

The final stage in the Hot Wheels assembly line.

The Smoking Tire fills up our Nissan Cube with all kinds of produce, bottles, and random stuff, only to meet up with hunting expert Brittany Boddington and blow everything to smithereens!

I bet you don’t read those words very often, do you? Well that’s because it’s been about 20 years now since Aston stopped production of its last Epic Fail, the Lagonda (which, for the record, would make a great engine-swap candidate). Now we have this. It’s called the Cygnet and it’s based heavily on the Toyota IQ, but with a more Aston-y interior. I get it, since the Mini, people want more small, premium cars. That’s fine, but can’t it stop with the Audi A1 and the Mercedes-Benz A-Class? What’s next? A Bentley Smart Car? A Tata Nano Pur Sang? I would never tell someone to damage someone else’s car, but if this thing goes to production and you see one on the street, I’d definitely suggest farting in its general direction.

Thanks, Michael for the tip!

Say hybrids are the answer. We save the Earth,  weather returns to “normal”, we all save money, cleaner air, etc. We all live happily ever after, right? Not exactly. They’re fine in places like So Cal, but what if you live somewhere that has climates? You might assume with all the technology in that 4-wheeled deprivation chamber it could handle anything, but check out what happens when this guy tries to drive up his driveway in the winter. Keep in mind, the driveway is clear, and has had snow-melting compound put on it.

Pathetic. If the drive was covered in snow, I might let this slip. But this is basically a cold, wet driveway, and it’s hilarious. It points out that if the Prius starts to lose traction, it simply shuts down.The weather it fought to save is its own undoing. If this was prison, the Prius just intentionally grounded the soap.
When the weather gets nasty, you can’t think about saving the endangered 3-testicled Tree Salmon. You have to think about your own survival. Personally I would choose Ken Block’s personal method of snow transport: The Subaru Traxx STi.

Ken Block’s Traxx STI

Call me when your Prius explodes because a leaf fell on it.

Maybe we'll buy food tomorrow, if it's nice out.

- Zack Klapman

VICTORY! I’ve been pulled over dozens of times in the 12 years since I’ve had a driver’s license. I’ve also always had a Valentine One radar detector. I got it for my 17th birthday, and it was always a useful tool to find out whether or not a police officer was lying to me. I once got pulled over for going 45 mph in a 35 mph zone, without being clocked by a radar. For the record, I was going about 35 at the time, but the cop said that he could “hear me speeding.” Well, not really, what he was hearing was my totally illegal cat-free exhaust shaking the entire street from my 347-stroked Mustang, but hey, I wasn’t speeding!

For years I’ve made the same argument, that police officers really thought I was going faster than I was because my car was loud. Now, the state of Ohio has sided with an appeal that officers can no longer pull over cars because they “sound fast.” I say we all fight it out in court in our respective states, and maybe we can overturn the whole thing!

Read the entire court document here.

[Source: TheNewspaper]

Welcome to Ze Germans Know More Than Us, where we take advantage of the fact that Dan, our intern, speaks fluent German and can translate German news! This time, Autobild.de brings us the results of the latest Continental Tires/Autobild Tuner Challenge at the Nardo High-Speed Ring.

English Summary:

Once a year Auto Bild Sportscars and Continental Tires join forces to bring us one of the greatest automotive events known to enthusiasts. The High Performance Event at Nardo 2009. 18 cars from 13 different tuners in an all out balls-to-the-wall contest of speed. Together, 11,135 horsepower compete to smash all records. [Anyone do that math? That's an AVERAGE of 618 hp - Ed.]

Now, running 155 mph is something most high performance vehicles can easily do nowadays. However after 155, multiple factors come into play in the quest for speed. Not only engine power, wind resistance and vehicle weight come into play, but also little things like asphalt friction. To somewhat level the playing field, all cars were fitted with Continental tires. In the end, the biggest adversary of speed is Resistance. Did they have the power to fight it? Without further delay, this year’s list of cars and tuners after the jump:

We’re not surprised when a Twin-Turbo Corvette goes 213 mph, or when a 700 horsepower Audi RS6 can hit 208. Hell, the Americans can do that! And then, just when we got bored of high-speed testing, German psycho-tuner Brabus shows up with a v12-powered GLK (the stock form of which we tested, and hated, but there are few problems 700+ horsepower engine won’t solve), and proceeds to run 211 mph, securing themselves the record for the world’s fastest ugly SUV. In all honesty, I may have added the ugly part myself. Then, someone shows up with a VW Eurovan and runs 193 mph! Turns out it’s got a a Porsche 997 Turbo drivetrain swap. Nice.

ABT Audi RS6 – 700 hp – 335 km/h – 208 mph
ABT Audi R8 – 560 hp – 314 km/h – 196 mph
AC Schnitzer ACS3 3.5d – 310 hp – 700 Nm – 516 lb. ft. – 289 km/h – 179 mph
AC Schnitzer ACS4 3.0 – 380 hp – 303 km/h – 188 mph
Lorinser C LV8 313 km/h – 194 mph
Steinmetz OPC 395 hp – 287 km/h – 178 mph
Manhart M3 5.0 V10 – 550 hp – 317 km/h – 196 mph
9ff TR 1000 Fastest car at Nardo 2009 – 376 km/h – 233 mph
9ff Panamera PT 55 – 308 km/h – 191 mph
9ff Speed9 – 650 hp – 288 kmh/h – 178 mph
Hohenester A4 HS 50 G (Twin Turbo V6) – 650 hp – 353 km/h – 219 mph
Brabus GLK V12 – 750 hp – 337km/h – 211 mph
Techart Cayenne Turbo S 680 hp – 321 km/h – 199 mph
GeigerCars Corvette (Twin turbo) – 790 hp – 343 km/h – 213 mph
edo competion Gallardo – 600 hp – 339.8 km/h – 211 mph
edo competion Panamera – 305 km/h – 191 mph
MKB SL 65 Black Series – 751 hp – 1250 Nm – 921 lb. ft. – 330 km/h – 205 mph
TH2 RS (essentially VW Eurovan with a Turbo 911 engine in it)- 780 hp – 311 km/h – 193 mph

The Brabus GLK’s Special high speed wheel covers may be carbon fiber and add 20mph

on the top end, but they can’t fix ugly.

On an episode of last season’s Top Gear, the trio went on a search for the biggest car bore: the sort of man who can tell the difference between the K-series and G-series Porsche 911E based on year of production and factory camber adjustments. At the classic car rally they dug up a few worthy of the title, but eventually concluded that it was none other than James May himself. (Watch the video on Top Gear’s site here.)

Well, now they may have found their match.

“It had to be a car from January 1993 to August 1993, because after that they changed the name from 600SL to SL600, and I preferred the script of the old lettering, which wasn’t italic, but underlined.”

Carsten Günther: airplane pilot, Mercedes aficionado, and the last person to be stuck in a zombie apocalypse with. Talking to Mercedes Enthusiast Magazine in January 2006 about the Mercedes SL73 AMG he fastidiously hunted down, and the SL600 (not 600SL, he’ll be quick to tell you) he owned before that.

Article scanned from German Car Zone, via Jalopnik.

- Blake Rong

Your friends and family won’t understand. People will look at you strangely. They’ll want to shun you, then hold an intervention. Anything for you to break the habit. Who the hell wants an 20-year old Honda Civic 4WD Wagon, especially when it looks like that? They’ll never get it, you tell yourself. They’re all a bunch of ignoramuses. What do they know?

But it’s ok. Your friends here at The Smoking Tire? We understand. And we feel the same way.

Watch with caution; this video may just change your life. You’ve been warned.

And there’s still one on eBay Motors right now. Act fast, however: this video’s already up to 44,000 views.

- Blake Rong

The Detroit Free Press is reporting that automakers and dealers have spent 30.8%  less money on advertising in the first 9 months of 2009.

All together now: “Thanks Captain Obvious!”

For this post, my definition of “fact checking” was going to Wachovia.com and examining my balance. Yep, still broke.

In the summer of 2008, I took a tour of Jay Leno’s Garage, and interviewed the man himself for over 3 hours about his collection, what he loves about cars, and life. You can find the entire set of interviews over at Fast Lane Daily, though you may have to search a bit, but what you won’t find is my own personal mega-gallery of shots taken inside the garage. I never intended on publishing these photos, but since Jalopnik ran quite a few photos of the inside of the garage yesterday, what’s the harm?

Unedited Leno Mega-Gallery Awesomeness after the jump.

Not only are the cars and bikes absolutely unbelievable, every single one is registered and insured, and in essentially perfect working order. There are steam engines, one of which was owned by Thomas Edison, and a giant steam generator outside to run them all. The large wall paintings, done by NBC’s set designers, correspond to the cars stored underneath them, and the wall space behind every car has memorabilia from each car. He has thousands of model cars, small engines, and a full restoration shop, where he could pretty much build anything from scratch. And he has some fireproof cloth, which he asked my friend to put on while he hit him with the blowtorch. Enjoy!

I drove the Dodge Challenger SRT8 back in March, and I’ll be honest. I hated it. It’s a yacht, a floaty, bobbly yacht, that despite it’s 6-liter engine and thunderous growl, is half a second slower in the quarter mile than my ’98 Corvette was, when it was stock. The Sat/Nav was awful, and the dashboard was clearly designed by Chrysler’s janitor as a joke while the actual designer was at lunch. Sadly, no one noticed.

I thought I knew something about cars. Yet this Dodge that I couldn’t stand just won the award for “most satisfying car” on Consumer Reports’ most recent survey. A whopping 92% of Challenger owners would buy another. That’s amazing, considering the fact that almost everyone I know who has driven one hates it.

On the other hand, the Challenger is a bit of a looker, no? If Shell comes up with a way to install Testosterone pumps on every street corner, this thing will run on it. And I see them on the street, so clearly there are people out there buying, and apparently enjoying them.

The best part about the article is that Consumer Reports themselves don’t actually recommend the Challenger to buyers because of it’s poor by-comparison performance to the Mustang and Camaro, and they encourage customers to cross-shop before making a decision.

[Source: CNN Money]

The Smoking Tire heads out to Spring Mountain Motorsports Ranch once again, this time to check out the world’s first “Destination Dealership,” Switchcars.com. Switchcars’ owner, Doug Tabbutt gives us a tour of his collection and handpicks a few choice favorites to share with us on the road and track.

According to some on the Interwebs, the Mazda Miata is “girly.” Says who?

In order to compensate (ahem) for this shocking heresy, here is a collection of wild, wacky, and shocking body kits, culled from various Japanese sources. Many of these kits were offered by Japanese tuners and performance companies during the mid-90s, when the first-gen Miata was a darling of the tuner scene. Turns out, with its diminutive looks and self-professed British inspiration, the Miata is also a darling of the aftermarket retro movement that we gaijin just couldn’t understand.

Included in the list are kits to turn your Miata into a clone of an Austin-Healey Sprite, a Lotus Elan, a Toyota Supra, a Ferrari Daytona, a Dodge Viper, a cross between a Jaguar XK120 and an Oshkosh Striker 4500 Aircraft Rescue Vehicle, a surprised chipmunk, or some sort of prehistoric fish. Many of the kits are variations on a theme: enlarged lower lip, bolt-on fender flares, big-block 5-spoke wheels, and the occasional skyscraper rear wing usually round out the package. And if you’re going to add foglights, evidently, it’s go big or go home.

But there’s the occasional complete body transformation designed to draw from the Miata’s Euro-roadster influence, turning the traditional underpinnings of the Miata into something you won’t likely see in the 7-11 parking lot. Want a completely new roadster that will turn heads? Enjoy tweedy European looks and good ol’ Mazda reliability, through a set of ill-fitting fiberglass fenders and countless man-hours of do-it-yourself cutting and swearing! The quirky Japanese love of retro-European styling is alive and well here: who knew bolting on a pseudo-250 GTO rear end on the shape of a boiled sausage could be so vaguely convincing?

Not enough? Here’s another collection of wacky kits, but this time with the intention to transform your worn-out Miata into a completely new car. Can’t shell out the $450,000 to buy one of the 842 T0yota 2000GTs built? Just turn your Miata into one! Think big here: Mustangs, MG TDs, even an Aston Martin – the sky’s the limit when it comes to assuming a new identity. You can even get away with a Cobra replica, but don’t be sad when bystanders anticipate a snarling Ford V8 and are disappointed with a lightweight Asian-built 4-cylinder instead. (There’s a metaphor in there somewhere.) But hey, Carroll Shelby’s done worse.

Or you could just paint your Miata pink—very pink. That’ll show the “girly” crowd!

And if anybody knows any more info on any of these kits, feel free to enlighten us in the comments.

- Blake Rong

Welcome to Bizarre Road Trip Sightings, where we share strange vehicular occurrences spotted while on road trips. This week: a Ford F-150 with an exoskeleton! This has got to be some kind of creation for a movie or something, possibly Death Race or an upcoming Mad Max remake? Or it could be the burliest of camera-carrying vehicles for the movie biz, given its flat-black treatment. Apologies for the blurry photo, it was taken by my girlfriend off the back of a motorcycle at 80mph. Know the origin of the exoskeleton F-150? Let me know, at Matt@TheSmokingTire.com

*Edit* Dan The Intern discovered that this F-150 is a hollywood camera car that was famously used in the Ferrari chase scene in Bad Boys 2. Good work, Dan.

Roll in style and comfort with Ford F150 truck accessories from AmericanTrucks.

The Smoking Tire heads out to Las Vegas for the 2009 SEMA show, where all the major aftermarket and custom manufacturers show up with their latest goods. Host Matt Farah shows off the Best Truck, Best Sports Car, Best Motorcycle, Best Low Rider, Best in Show, and of course, the Worst in Show.

After a few months of playing about, The Smoking Tire decides to get all scientific on our good buddy Jason Thorgalsen’s 2001 Volkswagen Jetta VR6. The Jetta hasn’t been serviced in the last 40,000 of it’s total 166,000 miles, and surely some power has been lost during that time. But how much power exactly? And can that power be recovered simply by performing a routine service on the car? I guess we will see.

Cars don’t have souls.

There, I said it. Alfa Romeo drivers, prepare to have your hearts broken.

That’s a rather controversial statement for a first column, don’t you think? It’s like getting a pentagram tattoo on your chest before your first communion. I expect to have my lifelong petrolhead credentials called into question here with such blasphemy—the belief goes against everything we’ve been bred to believe. This we know already, drilled through hearsay and repetition:  a stern, Teutonic Porsche will inevitably be inferior to the fiery, wild-tempered Ferrari, even if it is faster, better handling, stops quicker, and churns out faster lap times—and if a car happens to break down, catch on fire, inhales head gaskets, snap your neck off, or spray oil like a fire hose at a peace protest, that’s “character” and “quirkiness” in the same sense that your ex-girlfriend waking up screaming in the middle of the night was “personality.”

Well, don’t believe it for one second. The idea, as argued by vitriol-spitting fanboys around the world, that a technologically-advanced car with the latest electronic advantages is saddled with the “soulless” argument as a detriment is pure bunk; a vicious myth perpetuated by misleading ideology and half-truisms from the mouths of fanatics. And by those standards, an ox cart is the automotive equivalent of Marvin Gaye.

Let’s take a look at the Nissan GTR, frequently portrayed as motoring’s clean room when compared to the S&M dungeons coming from Italy and even Germany. From the brochure, the following:

“The Nissan GTR is quite simply the sum of everything we are. Passionate. Innovative. Driven. Real world.”

Too often, mere mention of the GTR is usually accompanied by the words “Playstation on wheels,” stemming from a land that knows its way around mass-produced, efficient products that just work. Nissan GTRs are supposed to be perfect; that’s why they have more computing power than Project Gemini. Efficient in their speed and single-minded in their purpose, their computers guide them like silent, precise, deadly cruise missiles. They’re not supposed to flinch. They’re merely supposed to tick off perfect track times through superior technology: variable all-wheel drive, 15” Brembo brakes, a twin-turbo engine built in a clean room by men dressed in HAZMAT-style suits. The in-car display reads out G-forces and yaw rates and track telemetry data, for God’s sakes, that the obsessive driver can upload onto a Cheeto-stained USB drive and analyze on his computer in his parents’ basement. And it’s dead-on reliable—you won’t have to add a quart of oil and adjust the wheel bearings every 1,000 miles.

After all, computers don’t have soul, right? They’re merely machines that make beeps and boops and passionless calculations of input data, designed to serve a function without drama—just like the GTR. Yet here is the brochure, spouting off about “passion” and “drive!” What sort of malarkey is this?

Moving on to another Japanese company: remember what Lexus says? “The relentless pursuit of perfection.” Perfection may be well and good, but critics will say that there’s no soul behind it. Once you stamp out all the imperfections and quirks, you end up with something eerie—something that does its job almost too well. It’s something the Japanese have been satirized for decades.

On the other side of the globe, Jaguar founder Sir William Lyons was fond of saying “the car is the closest thing we will ever create to something that is alive.” And we all know living creatures certainly aren’t perfect. No, as automotive enthusiasts we need a semblance of personality even in our efficient little commuter pods—something that we can feel connected to in a completely irrational and rose-tinted manner that we wouldn’t reserve for our rotary washer/dryer combo.

Sir Lyons may have a soul himself, but his products never had. Even a 1959 Jaguar XK 150 Drophead Coupe has no more of a soul than a Honeywell 4-slot toaster, a pair of faded winter boots, or an Arleigh Burke-class guided missile destroyer. With the exception of Morgan, Bristol, or the laughable remainder of Britain’s once-proud automotive industry, all cars are the byproducts of the same robots churning out the same welds from the same hunks of steel and petrochemicals. No part of a car is arguably alive, at least—mercifully—in the biological sense. Until Geiger Motors introduces the Necronomicon GSR onto a fearful and terrified populace, no car can be defined as having anamorphic traits such as “personality” or “character.” Why should it? In the most basic, unromanticized sense, the automobile was made to perform a specific function, like a pair of boots or the aforementioned toaster.

Where on the assembly line is the “soul” installed? If an Alfa Romeo crashes, does its soul go to heaven?

This may sound lifeless and depressing to you, but fear not: there is still “soul” and “passion” involved in the business of building cars. Where do they come from? They stem from the legions of engineers and designers who set out to work, every single day, to build the best car with the constraints they have. They are the ones who toil over the car day and night, designing and redesigning to meet their deadlines, working fervently to craft the best machine they can that they’re proud to have worked on before the draconian marketers, lawyers, and beancounters get to it.

“Passion” Available at Target for $39.95 a bottle.

There’s inherent passion in everything—whether it’s to build the most technologically advanced, hardest-gripping, precise supercar like the GT-R; expanding on multiple legendary racing victories like Ferrari or Porsche; defying the status quo with a lime-green, ten-cylinder middle finger as Lamborghini does, or sticking with a tried-and-true formula with the Dodge Viper’s “big-ass truck motor on a 1880s stagecoach chassis” principle. Drawing from years and years of training, experiences, and book learning, the professionals who develop them are part of companies with immense resources and virtually limitless funding at their disposal. Naturally they’re going to go and build the world’s greatest, most reliable cars, and if they do it via thoroughly modern supercomputers or (transverse) leaf springs then so be it.

Somebody once argued to me, “Since a car is made from thousands of parts, a good portion of which differing from one model to the next, every model of car has a number of traits, and cars can have character and personality when the traits become numerous enough.” I accepted it as a rational argument, even though it merely happens to go against every single engineering and mass-production principle ever devised.

The notion that a car’s imperfections, even the drastic ones, are somehow viewed as a charming trait is a long-overdue anachronism, dating back to legions of MGB and Triumph apologists who spend more time on the side of the road adjusting Lucas points than actually driving the damn things. “Ooh, it’s character,” says the stereotypical tweedy driver as he struggles to contain the steam emanating out from the hood of his Jensen-Healey. If the passion of the engineers is to devise a product that functions perfectly, then frequent carburetor adjustments and throttle linkage replacement is anathema to their original visions. Would you buy an old toaster that shot six-foot flames out the top every other Monday? That’s not “character,” that’s merely defective engineering, and if it’s not sorted out by a proper professional then you’re just cheating yourself.

What you are experiencing then, when you mash your pedal into the carbon fiber and the visceral roar of aluminum pounding steel hits your ear, is the collaborative efforts of the men and women who set out that day to design something that puts a smile on your face. The passion comes from their dedication and hard work, not the bits of 6111 aluminum alloy flinging about at 8700 RPM from behind your shoulder blades.

We don’t need fiery Italian temperament to find soul and passion. Even the lowliest 1994 Kia Sephia—and this is the part where I stretch my own enthusiast credentials—was designed passionately, if to a far lesser extent than a sports car: if it ticks the boxes of function, efficiency, reliability and low cost then you know somebody lost sleep on achieving that feat. Even if the end result became distorted as a result of running the beancounter gauntlet, its stalwarts still bravely tried. After all, who sets out to build the 2^nd best in class? Not even the Chinese companies. [I might argue that point – MF]

Think about that next time you watch a GTR Nurburging lap video. Or climb into a rental Hyundai.

- Blake Rong

Recently, Fiat CEO Sergio Marchionne was quoted as saying that Chrysler’s contribution to mid-size and large car expertise was totally underestimated.  Most auto enthusiasts would, however, tend to disagree with him, performance-wise, quality-wise, efficiency-wise, etc. etc.  (Other than maybe the SRT-8, with the 6.1). I have always looked at almost every Chrysler-designed car this way, especially in terms of quality. I have always thought that driving a Chrysler feels like driving a Power Wheels toy, only with an engine…oh wait.

This toy is more relevant than you might think to Chrysler products. And I quote, from a review of the Fischer-Price Dodge Ram Power Wheel: “Very little power, doesn’t work very well. Hard to steer. ” The same could be said for many vehicles in Chrysler’s lineup.

After reading what Mr. Marchionne had said, I began to think that he might be somewhat right, at least with the 300c and Charger. It’s not surprising, at least in my state, Minnesota, to see at least one or the other every time I go for a drive. But what makes people want to buy these cars? Were the 300C and Charger the reason the Fiat CEO made that statement? Time to investigate at my local Dodge dealer and “Grab life by the horns”

I made sure that my test drive would be in the 5.7L Hemi R/T which turned out to be a little difficult to find a dealer with one of these in stock, surprisingly.  I stayed adamant on testing this particular model because of the engine; apparently the 5.7L Hemi was placed in Ward’s Top Ten engines of the year lists, from years 2002 through 2007 (Yes, every year) and again in 2009. Turning out 368HP and 395 Ft/LBS of for 2009, it shells out more than enough power for a 4 door sedan; they also use it in the Ram. Unfortunately, I could not locate a new R/T model to drive, and had to make do with a 2006 model. Still, 350HP with 390 Ft/LBS of torque isn’t too far off of the newer engines.

Looking over my Beige-With-Wannabe-Muscle-Car-Stickers example, I can see the appeal of this car. There are few large 4-door cars at this price that look this aggressive. The car has this sort of modern muscle look that covers up that fact that’s it’s really a family sedan. The R/T is made special by use of more chrome, foglights, different wheels and stickers. Gotta love those stickers.

Ok, so now we get to the interior. At first glance, It is unbelievably boring. Closing my eyes for a minute and taking a  second glance, it is still devastatingly boring. Granted, we had only a small amount of options on this particular car, but even with navigation, steering wheel controls, and leather seats, I simply cannot see how people manage to stay awake while driving the Charger. Just to name a few,

• The gauges were from a minivan.
• The plastic was tacky.
• The seats weren’t comfortable.

The worst part, however, was the door panel. It may sound strange to criticize that one piece, but honestly as the first thing I saw when I entered the car, I couldn’t help but notice this rectangle-shaped piece of low quality. Want to make a million dollars? Make a baby mobile (the things that spin above their crib to help them sleep) out of mini Dodge Charger door panels.

Turning the engine on, it growled to life with a v8 growl. Being derived from an older-generation Mercedes E-class, I thought that there was a chance that it would have half-way decent handling, or at the very least comfortable. It wasn’t. The small 5 miles that I covered in the car made that quite apparent, especially as I took a wide, sweeping entrance ramp on to the freeway. At a very normal 45 miles an hour, the Charger produced a solid amount of body roll, a terribly revealing trait about the suspension in this car. I simply can’t figure out how such normal and pedestrian entrance ramp taken at normal speed could induce sea-sickness the way this car could.  Once on the highway, though, the 390 FT/LBS of torque made itself apparent. Wide open Acceleration is very smooth and linear, and even though this is a heavy car, it will push you back into your seat. Coming back into the dealership, I took the car over a bad-condition road, a move which I paid for in hearing a solid clunk over almost any visible bump. I wasn’t impressed with the ride, but maybe the newer 2009 and 2010 models are better. Doubtful, if I’m honest.

All in all, this car is a piece of furniture from Target. It may look nice and it seems to be at a good price for what it is, but the quality is lacking. The only reason I can think that there are so many of these cars on the road is simply because it looks a little different; like a modern “family” muscle car, and a Hemi engine to back it up. After all, you wouldn’t have bought an Intrepid with a Hemi, would you?

I guess we will have to see if Sergio Marchionne is right.

- Ryan Maki

My whole life, people have told me how dangerous motorcycles are. They have told me that if I rode one, I would surely become a statistic, an “organ donor,” or just another bit of “red asphalt.” I listened, as the general perceptions of motorcyclists matched my mind’s image: reckless, macho, with total disregard for others on the road. That is, until, my girlfriend moved in with me, and brought along her 50cc Vespa.

All of a sudden, the concept of riding seemed so, well, safe. Here it was, a bright red scooter, top case on the back. A top speed of 45 mph would ensure I wouldn’t get into too much trouble, and centrifugal clutch with automatic transmission kept my mind focused on the road ahead instead of thinking about the fact that hand and feet functions are reversed on a bike. I was in heaven.

I rode the Vespa around the block on my first try, totally without incident. Holy shit, Vespas are easy to ride. Their light weight, short wheelbase, and smaller wheels mean greater stability at low speeds, which is a good thing, because with only 50cc’s of pulling power, all she’s got is low speeds. For a while, going slow was hilariously fun, especially when my girlfriend would drive on the back and our combined 375 pounds of weight (mostly mine, I’ll admit) would really make hills of any size an embarrassment. Even approaching a hill at 40mph would result in cresting speeds as low as 10. What was comical for a few weeks quickly became painful. I needed more power.

The problem is that in order to ride anything faster, even moderately so, I had to get a motorcycle license. Would I be crossing the threshold from comically slow, yet safe, Vespa rider into the world of reckless and macho “bikers?” Possibly, but first, I would need to learn how to ride.

The Motorcycle Safety Foundation (MSF) is a national organization that provides training videos, online resources, and, most importantly, hands-on training courses. By going to their website, I was able to find the course nearest my house and all the information I needed to enroll. Because I never had a friend brave enough to let me try their manual transmission bike, I would need to start from zero. This meant the Basic Rider Course.

The Discovery Rider Training Center in Long Beach, CA, offers the Basic Rider Course, as well as more advanced courses for experienced riders. For $250, they provide everything you need to learn how to ride, including bikes, helmets, gloves, and printed materials. Having said that, given the temperature of a hot motorcycle on a hot day in Long Beach, I’d advise bringing your own DOT approved helmet, as opposed to breathing in whatever else came off the last guy’s head. You’ll also need long pants, long sleeves, and over-the-ankle footwear, the basics for low-speed rider safety.

Day 1: Five hours in the classroom, complete with High School Driver’s Ed quality videos. Discovery RiderCoaches teach the differences in operating a motorcycle from a car, safety procedures unique to motorcycles, and strategies for riding defensively. I, for one, can certainly understand the need for this classroom talk. But put me on a bike already.

Day 2:

6:30 AM – I arrive at the training area (translation: parking lot). The group of 12 students breaks in half, and my half goes with RiderCoach Mark, a 30 year motorcycle veteran. Most of the bikes in the fleet were cruiser-style 250cc Suzuki’s, but Mark pointed me towards a similar 250cc Honda. Lesson one: 250cc bikes are way too small for me.

Most students in my group had never driven a stick shift car before, and would have to be taught how to use a manual transmission from the beginning. Surprisingly, Mark’s technique for teaching these girls (I mean other students) stick shift was very similar to my own, and to the ladies’ (I mean other students’) credit they were able to operate a clutch better than expected. After a few minutes in the saddle, I learned why: operating a clutch with your hand is far easier than with your foot. This is probably because your hand is more sensitive, not covered by a shoe, and more used to small, smooth movements than your left foot.

We practiced accelerating, stopping smoothly, turning, “power walking,” and feathering the clutch, the basics of low-speed motorcycle operation. After an hour or so, we were comfortable riding laps around the parking lot in second gear. Now we’re getting somewhere, and just in time to go back to the classroom.

1:30 PM – Argh! More classroom! This time, we discuss safety gear and why you should wear lots of it at all times (accidents aren’t weather dependent!). We move on to watch videos on vehicle dynamics, gauges, and counter weighting in low speed corners. Interesting stuff, mind you, but thinking about those bikes sitting outside in the parking lot, riderless, gave me itches like a junkie. Sadly, there was to be no more riding until tomorrow. Instead, a written multiple-choice exam tested our knowledge of the classroom topics covered in the last two days. Failure meant not getting back on a bike. No problem! Test taken, test passed.

Day 3

6:00 AM – Determined to have first choice of motorcycle, I arrive a full half hour ahead of anyone else. I sit on every type of motorcycle available, only to discover that, not only Honda, but also every other kind of 250cc bike is just too damn small for me. I get back on my Honda. Mark instructs us in another series of low-speed maneuvers around the coned-off parking lot, allowing us to practice accelerating through turns, swerving, panic-stopping, downshifting (also easier than a car!), and making tight U-turns. A few hours practice and then it’s test time.

11:30 AM – Practical Examination – The final exam consists of 4 skills tests: a double-U-turn inside a box, a “quick stop” reaction test, a swerve around an object, and a sweeping curve that must be taken with proper form. most nerve-racking is the U-turn, as the box is only about 15 feet by 30 feet, but most important were the other three skills, as those were “life-saving” skills. In the end, I was amazed everyone in my class passed the test after some of those performances, but so it goes. Like my fellow students, my skills are enough to grant me access to the public streets of California on two wheels.

Passing the Discovery Rider Training Center’s Basic Rider Course not only gives the rider a “pass” on the DMV’s skills test, it also provides the rider with the skills necessary to operate a motorcycle at low speeds, accelerate, brake, turn, and shift a bike smoothly. The Basic Rider course is exactly advertised. It turns non-riders into basic riders, ready to get on a bike and hone their skills where they really matter: on the road. Now, about those press motorcycles, I think it’s time to return the keys to my girlfriend’s Vespa.