$1,000,000 for Obama’s used 300C. I think this salesman is just delusional. Or drunk. Or playing a really good joke. Or he owes money to someone in Chicago and this is his bright idea to keep all his fingers. Or maybe it’s Blagojevich raising legal funds. Either way, this guy is really trying to cash in on the leftover Barret Jackson buyers looking for the next investment “collectible.”

In the description he justifies the asking price by listing the big prices paid for cars owned by the Pope and former President of Iran, both around a million dollars. And this car, one day, might be worth that much. 20 years from now a museum might want it, or maybe Karl Rove’s friend will buy it for him for his birthday to be used as a pinata. But $1M up front is a big gamble. It might be worth that much eventually, but to buy it for that price now seems like a big risk. I’m curious to see what happens, and we’ll be watching the auction. Personal politics aside, do you think it’s a good investment? Let us know.

http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=120849425946

by Zack K

By now you’ve heard about the big arrest of the Megaupload founder, Kim Schmitz, in New Zealand. No? You don’t read any websites other than this one and Mama’s Knitting Blog? Jesus. The short version is Kim Schmitz was a Gumball driver and hacker.  He lived life with the character and humility Scarfaces’ secret 16 year old millionaire son would have. He started Megaupload-a file sharing site-and made a shitload of money selling ads and memberships to people seeking pirated content. And now the money, cars, house and *cough* “party girls” are going away. He’s like a nerdy James Bond villain. Make the jump for the details and videos of his high-speed Gumball rallies, and the recent arrest.

I saw the headline of “Megaupload Founder Arrested” on my news app, and as curious citizen with knowledge of the site, I was curious. So I clicked to the story. Then it said “Kim Scmitz” and I thought, “Holy fucking shit! It’s that big dude from the Gumball rallies!” I immediately recognized him as the giant who had burned himself into my brain as the weird German guy who drove his Mercedes “CL3000″ like psychopath, laughing like an infant at 155MPH.

I had watched those videos countless times. They have the rare honor of being internet videos from the early days I still remember vividly. The genesis of my high-speed, long distance rally dreams, and my envy for every real Cannonball participant, were the Gumball and Mischief 3000 videos. The videos made Kim look like the fastest driver in the group (he wasn’t), so naturally I’d remember him. His attitude on camera was one of extreme confidence, almost a playful ego, like walking around with the knowledge you could uproot buildings and cause a lightning strike with a simple thought. After watching the videos I Googled him for a while, trying to find out who soft-spoken giant was. All I could find was a strange website with as much content as an empty refrigerator box. No resume, no history, no employment. This seemed weird, but I paid no mind, because I was 18 and was more focused on things like skateboarding and jungle juice.

Kim on the Gumball 3000 in Morocco.

That invincible attitude is reinforced with the Megupload case. After getting in trouble in Germany and Thailand for insider trading he moved to New Zealand, away from Interpol’s attention span. That’s the great thing about internet crime, it can be based anywhere. If you believe all the Verizon wireless ads, you could run a company like this from a hot air balloon. He rented a giant mansion, which he would have bought had the government not denied his application due to failing the “good character” test they give to hopeful migrants. I guess they were right.

This video is a news report from TV3 in New Zealand.

While living there Kim lived an extroverted life. When his family was granted residency, he paid for a New Year’s Eve firework display over Auckland at a cost of $500,000. He threw countless parties attended by pretty girls. I’m going to go out on a limb and say those ladies probably received “invitations” that looked a lot like cashier’s checks. Living loud and extravagantly is certainly the norm of criminal masterminds from the big screen, but you notice that always draws attention? 007 loved to crash an evil geniuses holiday party and take crumpet-laden crap on the baccarat table. And if you’ve already gotten in trouble, wouldn’t you want to fly a little more under the radar? Maybe not have license plates that say, “HACKER”, “MAFIA”, “GOD”, “STONED” and-best yet- “GUILTY” like Kim did. I know he’s a genius but the border between cocky and stupid is often paper thin. I mean, is it smart to advertise that you’re a criminal who thinks he’s untouchable? I wouldn’t drive a Ferrari with the plate “ISELROX” in 1985 when the drug war was beginning.

The F.B.I. showed up a few days ago. Despite Kim hitting the ” Oh shit, the cops are here.” button, activating some “electronic security” devices and locking himself in a “safe room” with a shotgun, the cops got him.

I’ve seen comments on YouTube both for and against the F.B.I.’s actions. I know some Top Gear UK fans have used torrents to see episodes, due to American cable’s delusional thought we wouldn’t enjoy that show. But Megaupload was different. Despite its legitimate business as a file sharing platform for companies and artists (Kanye West and Will.I.Am did commercials, touting the site’s ability to transfer songs.) most of it’s money came from selling subscriptions and advertising. I’ve “heard” the site is flooded with ads. What that means is someone steals the newest episode of “Bones” and uploads it. Then Kim tells advertisers 50 million people will visit his site and gets paid to put ads in but doesn’t send any money to the studios that made them. It’s a black-market TV network, essentially. Content providers estimate Megaupload cost them $500M in potential revenue and made $175M from advertising. Say what you want about studios already being rich or the internet needing to exist un-tethered but if I found out someone was re-posting our TST videos and making money off ads they’d sold, I’d shove that $500,000 firework display up their ass and start the New Year’s Countdown.

Watching the first video (at top) of Kim, I saw his attitude toward life summed up in one excited sentence, “I wish it could be Gumball every day.” He said it like a kid who just went to a water park for the first time, earnestly asking his parents on the ride home if they can move there. He lived every day like a Gumball rally. It’s the attitude of “Who cares?” It’s the attitude you have on New Year’s Eve when you meet a someone of questionable looks or hygiene, or how you act in Vegas on your 30th birthday. But you can’t live every day like that, because irresponsibility cannot last very long. Kim did, and now he’s going to jail.

by Zack K

 I love this guy. This video is of traffic in Chechnya. The impatient white car is impatiently weaving, looking for a safe place to pass. There’s nowhere to go, really, but he doesn’t care, a silly sentiment I share with him, daily. The camera car honks at him; the automotive equivalent of an old woman’s finger shake. The driver responds with the ultimate “Frankly, ma’am, I don’t give a fuck.” by holding an AK-47 out the window and firing it into the air. Nice move. Amazingly, everyone keeps trundling along, for a moment at least. You’ll have to watch the rest. It’s quite entertaining from the safe location of the internet. Make the jump to watch.

This perfectly encapsulates my attitude in traffic. Yes, I’m an angry, greedy, dick, attempting to apex and WOT my way to some imaginary finish line. I drive as if I got a suggestive text from the cast of “MILF Island” that ends with “You only have 5 minutes before this offer expires.” But in my mind really, I shout through my windshield for the greater good. I’m a red-faced, cursing Mother Theresa; I want everyone to get to their destination faster. Like a sheepdog, I bark and rev, urging the cattle to move faster. I’m an aggressive driver, and most people probably hate me, but if everyone actually knew what their car could do and had the skills to back it up, we’d all get places a lot faster. Ever transfer freeways behind someone going 20MPH under the speed limit, because apparently they’re afraid there could be a dragon waiting around the corner? I hate that person. I want them to die. So, I think I should at least be able to motivate them via a few 7.62mm fired into the air. Forget Colorado, my vacation house will be in Chechnya, where people like me are allowed to run free.

"This sticker is dangerous and inconvenient but I do love fig newtons."- Ricky Bobby

by Zack K

Doctors have recently decided “distracted driving” includes many things beyond using a cell phone. Bluetooth and hands-free are useless in the fight against people’s lack of attention behind the wheel. The DMV in California even lists “Viewing objects outside the vehicle” as a contributor to accidents. Basically, we all suck at driving. Then, a few months ago, MINI announced it’s social-connection feeding tube app, “MINI Connected“, a program that reads you Twitter and Facebook updates while you drive. It fueled a small- yet informative- rant from yours truly. Now, Mercedes has decided to not just throw caution to the wind, but light caution on fire and throw it into a spinning windmill, with their conceptual driver media interface D.I.C.E., which stands for “Dynamic & Intuitive Control Experience.”

The goal is to make your car as smart as your phone, connecting to you to everything as quickly and seamlessly as possible. Instead of checking Yelp on your phone for nearby eateries, they pop up on the dash, with the option of projecting them onto the windshield. If you saw Mission Impossible 4 you’ll know the idea. Watch their video and you’ll see the “driver” getting all sorts of fascinating info, like how many cars drive over a bridge he’s near. Amazing! Just what I always need to know while driving down the street! I get why they’re doing it, but I have concerns.

Make the jump for a short explanation and their video.

I could rant for pages on it, but they summed it up in their own video (shown in the picture above). While typical-successful-looking-white-guy is checking out when a theater will reopen, two cyclists-one adult and one child-ride by in the background. Those very soft, breakable humans are hidden from view while he ponders if he fancies a show or not. What could possibly go wrong with this kind of media interaction available? I love Mercedes cars and few people get a muscle car right like them. I also understand you have to begin developing technology long before the world may be ready for it. I just hope this isn’t released until drivers are really ready for it. Like when cars drive themselves. If that’s the case, then magician-wave on.

“No, Zack Jr., you can’t have a new bike. Because you’re going to fucking die, that’s why.”

Click here to jump to Car and Driver for the video.

If you’re a fan of muscle cars, or you’ve ever heard someone ask at a car show, “what gears you got in that thing?” you know that proper gearing can have a drastic effect on the performance of your car. Back when I was racing Mustangs in high school, my ’94 GT came with a dismal 2.73 gear set, optimized for highway fuel economy. My three friends with Mustangs all upgraded their gears, one used a 3.55, one a 3.73, and one a 4.10. But which would be the right choice for me?

Modifying your car is a give and take process. Want a track-ready suspension? You’re probably going to have to deal with some stiffness on the street. Want a loud exhaust? You may have to yell so your passengers hear you. Modifying a gear set (and by that I mean final drive ratio, you can also modify gears within the transmission) is a quick way to improve a car’s acceleration, but you will also have to deal with an engine that will require more revs for highway cruising. And as much as I liked improving my drag strip time (which got as low as 11.7 @ 122 mph), I spent most of the time driving my Mustang on the street. I ended up choosing the 3.55 gear set so my car could cruise on the highway at about 2,400 RPM vs. my friend Jimmy’s Mustang with the 4.10 gears that cruised at over 3,000 RPM at the same speed.

Had I not had three cars to test drive and compare before choosing my gear set, I doubt I would have made a properly informed decision. But now, you can. Vexer.com offers an online tool where you can input some basic information about your car and you can see how gears and tire sizes will not only affect your acceleration, but also the engine RPM in different gears at different speeds. It’s fun to play with, and very useful if you’ve ever considered a new set of gears for your own car.

Vexer via Ridelust

Manufacturers have the tough job of building a car that pleases a big market. Not too stiff, not too soft, not too fast for the tires but not too slow to feel like (god forbid!) last year’s car. It’s a hard job. I imagine it’s like waiting on-or eating with-someone with 3 fake food allergies (“I just don’t like green things.” True story). The aftermarket lets you make a car your own. Add power, sticky tires, sway bars, ultra-stiff track suspension, air bags, whatever. The goal-although people often fail-is to make the car better.

Using that math you’d assume the more money you spent the better the car would get. I spent $4k improving my last car, but absolutely wished I’d been able to spend $10k, because i knew what issues it would have solved. It’s this ideal that has led me to be annoyed at the SLP Camaro ZL1. If you want to see $80,000 squandered, make the jump.

SLP has been a a Chevy tuner for a long time; GM sent Firehawks ( a car I love) to them for final assembly. But their new ZL1 Camaro package seems to be over-blown and over-priced. Here’s how it goes:

You buy a Camaro SS-convertible or hard top-for a little over 30 grand and send it to them with a check for $80,000. They will put in an Eaton Super-charged LS7 motor, their own coil-over suspension, exhaust with tips that look like giant eyes from a Sesame Street character on E and some fancy seats. They call it the SLP ZL1. I know you’re thinking copyright infringement, but they actually patented the “ZL” name a while ago. They’re only building 69 of these cars, hoping to use the rarity and appreciation of the original ZL-1 Camaro to attract customers. With a few exceptions I don’t put a lot of stock into the dream that special editions will be worth millions one day, especially when it’s an aftermarket company modifying a car that’s not that great to begin with. In 2040 if this car is worth more than $50k I’ll cut off a big toe.

So what do you get? Essentially you get a 750HP Camaro. That probably looks awesome to the internet but the performance is why I’m complaining: 0-60 in 4.2 seconds is only half a second faster than a stock SS. Worse is the skid-pad: .90g. That’s the same as stock. Why pay for suspension that does nothing? 70-0 in 159 feet is not newsworthy and neither is a quarter mile in 12.3 seconds. What you have is an over-powered car that is marginally faster than a stock Camaro, at least until it finally has traction.
Car and Driver’s notes on the car didn’t help, “Understeers just after turn-in. Clutch take up is abrupt. The best launch technique is almost bogging the engine, then slowly applying the throttle.”

I’m sorry, under-steer? For $110,000 I want the front of my car to be so stuck to the road even if the car broke in half at the dash-board the front end would still carve a perfect race line while me and the read-end barreled into the mountain to die.

That is the problem with this car (and many SEMA cars in general). Expensive parts that don’t add up. $110,000 today can buy you so much car. GTR, ZR1, Vantage, various Porsches, Mercedes, the list goes on. You can get a well-equipped XKR for that money and that will hit 60MPH sooner, corner better (.92g) and stop from 70MPH only 12 inches later. It’s also better looking, has better curb appeal and a much better interior(click for our video review). It’s new 911 money. 911s may be as common as rain drops but they’re incredible. Chevy’s upcoming ZL-1 will beat the shit out of the SLP anywhere other than a standing mile. Hell, a stock Mustang GT500 puts up .96g on a skid pad. I don’t get it.

There’s a lot of car available for $100k, and the fact the SLP Camaro ZL1 isn’t that much faster than them below 80MPH is just unfair. You can’t charge $100,000 for something so one-dimensional. Cars today are good right out of the box; going, stopping and turning very well. For someone to ask this much money for a car that barely does 1 thing is ludicrous. I love the aftermarket, and I love fast muscle cars, but not for serious sports car money. And when Chevy has their own ZL-1 coming down the pipe with serious track capability your challenger better bring it. The SLP doesn’t.

- Zack K

124 MPG.

That’s the projected MPG of the new Volvo V60 Diesel/Hybrid wagon, due out in 2013. That’s using the UK gallon (bigger), so converted for U.S. it’s 102.3MPG. Still ridiculous. Still astronomical, unbelievable, incredible and unavailable, at least if you live in the U.S. Same thing with Mercedes’ upcoming E300 Bluetech Hybrid. Confused? Curious? Mad? Me too. I don’t know why we can’t get it, but I intend to complain until we can. Read on

3 weeks ago I wondered aloud, “Why can’t we have a diesel hybrid? That would be the perfect drive train for a daily driver. It’s the best combination of torque and efficiency.” Coming on the heels of long drives in diesel cars from BMW and Mercedes I think unless you get a performance model like an AMG or an M car (for the right reasons, not because you liked the stitching on the seats or need to advertise you bank account’s contents) every luxury car should have a diesel motor. They’re quiet, they’re smooth and the torque makes them feel powerful, i.e. expensive. People like torque, because that’s what they feel from a stand still than makes them grab the door handle and get wide-eyed. Very few AMG owners wring their cars out to 6500 RPM at 90MPH. They just want thrust.

A week later the news came down Volvo is making one. “Really? With torque, and efficiency, and quiet, all that jazz?”

Yes. For extra icing on this free-range, Eco-friendly cake you can even plug it in. Based on their V60 wagon platform the car will have a 2.4L 5-cylinder diesel powering the front wheels and an electric motor that powers the back ones. The diesel motor makes 215HP and 324 torque, the electric motor is rated at 70HP (torque figure unavailable from Volvo). It can be driven in an EV for 35 miles, or you can turn on “power” mode and hit 60MPH in 6.2 seconds.

The efficiency (based on the European cycle) is insanely impressive. 124MPG? Even if it was half that, it simultaneously kicks those Prii asses at the pump and the track (no one tracks a Prius, I know). It’s also a wagon, so it has space for stuff. And it has selectable AWD, so you can drive it anywhere a normal person needs to go. In my mind it is the greatest daily driver in the universe.

Mercedes is doing it too; look at the E300 Bluetec diesel hybrid. It uses a hybrid system similar to the E400H hybrid, but with a diesel motor. The 2.1L 4-cylinder makes 200HP and 370 torques. Mercedes says it will get 56MPG, offered as either a wagon or a sedan. I drove the E350 Bluetec a few months ago and it was Frosted Flakes-level grrrreat. Seats, transmission, noise level, looks, feel; all phenomenal in town or on the highway. If I had the money I would buy one. Mercedes says the E350 diesel gets 21/33 MPG but even with 3 people, gear and a slow-cooker plugged in we averaged over 38 MPG.

Remember that number, because the E-class hybrid we are so grateful we can buy here gets 24 MPG city, 31MPG highway, a whopping increase of 4 and 1 (respectively) over the regular gas-powered E350. All that work for 1MPG. What a joke. But people will buy it because hybrids are the iPod of cars. More hybrids are offered every month. Plus, diesel cars don’t come with a cool green leaf badge on them to announce to everyone how much you care about aminals (misspelled for cuteness). Some hybrids get better mileage, but some don’t (Hi X6 Hybrid).  I like everyone’s enthusiasm about saving money the planet but our love of glowing, green balls has blinded us to a better (for now) solution. I know diesel fuel is more expensive, but so is that hybrid option. If you only get 1MPG better with that electric motor how long do you have to drive that car before you save money over the regular car? A while I’m guessing.

The Volvo seems like a huge step for the industry, and it’s not bad to look at either. But…the introductory price is (cover your screen) $75,000. You spit on it, didn’t you? I know it’s insane or at least, insane for a Volvo. But don’t think of it as a Volvo, think of it as a Swiss Army knife that’s also been stuffed with a working socket wrench, a chainsaw and a light saber yet it still fits in your pocket. And Volvo is charging that price for the first 1,000 cars, but if demand was higher the price would surely come down. The BMW X5 diesel we had was about $60k. That car’s 28 MPG is funny car efficiency compared to this thing.

Let’s do some math. The average American male in my age group drives 17,000 miles per year. If you drove the Mercedes E400 hybrid 17,000 miles, getting an advertised 31MPG you would need 548 gallons of gas. Using the current price of $3.23/gal that costs $1,770.

Now we’ll drive the V60 the same distance, but I’m going to cut it’s MPG down to 100MPG (we know Swedish fish is a shitty candy, so I won’t trust their MPG either). You would need 170 gallons of diesel to cover the distance. At the price of $3.82/gallon, that costs $649. $1,100 a year is quite a difference. If you have a 10-gallon tank, you can drive over 1000 miles before re-fueling. 1000! That’s not considering its EV range. (And it may or may not be able to tow a boat.)

Of course it takes 20 years to balance out the price of your V60 with the $50,000-ish E400 but the E300 Bluetec won’t be $75,000, yet that’s not coming to the US either. The fact these are forbidden fruit bugs me, and we’re partly to blame. We aren’t offered these great, fuel-efficient cars because there’s so little demand. Diesel cars accounted for only 7% of Mercedes sales. That means 10% of us bought AMGs because we’re hooligans (guilty) and 83% of us are fucking morons.* Even Ford won’t give us their 65MPG Fiesta diesel, because it would be priced right by the Prius, the teet we all love to suckle at, despite a bigger, nicer one sitting just next to it.

V60 interior

Maybe morons is too strong, but we’re just stuck. We grab at trends with eagerness of Italy’s prime minister at a high school dance and then we hang onto them no matter what information or alternatives are presented. We’re like Dustin Hoffman in Rainman, stuck in our routine and if someone offers something else we bang on our heads and scream. Well I think we should read the facts more (something many people in the USA hate doing), because right now we’re telling the world, “Oh, that’s a flying carpet? Hm, I dunno, all my friends have hard-wood floors, so I think I’ll stick to that. Plus, don’t carpets smell?” Well you know what? I want to be able to buy these cars, I want them here, I want a flying carpet. So you people better start buying some ****ing rugs.

- Zack K

*This math is purely arbitrary, other than the 7% of sales part. That’s true.

Thad (legendary TST camera operator and Head of our Dept. for Super Smart/Crazy Ideas)  sent me a link to this ebay auction, with the subject line: “Bad daily driver?” Hopefully he’s being facetious or I would answer that with a blank stare of disbelief, silently communicating disappointment and pity. No Thad, a 1981 Audi Ur-Quattro is not a bad choice for a daily driver. It’s an awesome daily driver, as long as you live anywhere that has weather. Let the record show Thad is from Florida.

This car is a straight up bad ass. A sharp, angular coupe with AWD and a inline-5 turbo. Audi was the manufacturer first to take advantage of the rule change allowing all-wheel drive vehicles in rally racing. Ya think that was an advantage?  For the next 2 years it killed it.

For sale is the road version, the 1981 Audi Ur-Quattro. “Ur” stands for “original”. They used it to separate the “Quattro” car from the “quattro” drive-train system. This one was imported in 1981 by a man in Chicago. It has European lights, bumpers and gauges; better have the conversion formula for Km/h to MPH memorized. The turbo-charged 2.1L I-5 cylinder was good for 200HP and 210 tq.

The original owner kept the car for 30 years. At one he took it in to have the clutch and turbo replaced, suspension upgraded, add a bolt-in roll cage, better brakes and other parts. Other, more noticeable changes were the flared fenders, wheels, tires and lights. He created his own homage to the Group 4 car; perfect for a highly-efficient winter commute.

It’s shape would make you think somewhere a giant door has just accidentally shut and it’s as wide and flat as Texas but who cares when your car looks like it just pulled out of a stage rally. This car was the genesis of AWD rally cars and Audi’s quattro system itself. If I had to pick between driving this up I-70 or a modern car with a part-time system (see link) I choose this. How fun would a drive on a snow-covered city be in this car? With those knobby tires and 8 kagillion candle power practically melting the snow in front of you?  It’s a piece of history that comes with racing seats, harnesses, a fire extinguisher and more gauges than your average low-income Honda owner packing a new Kragen Auto credit card. Beats the hell out of the Liberty Bell.

The power isn’t much compared to today’s rally descendants but I like anything that’s AWD and turbo-charged. With a curb weight around 2,900 lbs this is a recipe for winter happiness.

My only experience with an early Audi was quite good. The model escapes me but it was a big pre-90s sedan. It was a snowy day heading into the Rockies and the car was stable and smooth. The weight shoved our snow tires in with authority and we cruised past SUVs and trucks alike. Yes, the owner learned a lot about Audi repair maintenance very quickly but the car felt special. This car is that times 10. Looks like a fireball, has a stadium’s worth of lights on the front and tires that could grind a whole cow. Why wouldn’t you buy it?

- Zack K

Stuart Mills liked to have fun. But he’s a nice guy so he wanted other people to have fun too. He didn’t want them to have to spend lots of money or have to have a Degree in Engineering. So after years of building race cars, he designed the MEV Exocet kit car. Based on a Miata it weighs about 1,450lbs and makes 135HP, so it’s damn fun.  It costs as little as $6,000. Those words all go together very well. Make the jump for specs and clips of these angry little track flies in action.

For some reason the term “kit car” has a stigma attached to it. I’m not sure where it started. When I was a kid, I just liked cars. I drawn to anything that looked cool, and I mean that in the most infantile way. It didn’t take much to get my attention; I thought Geo Storms were the shit. This led to me liking kit cars, because on paper they seem cool. You get a car with a good-looking shape,  some sort of engine (when you’re a kid you don’t think of reliability or power variables) and some kind of suspension and to a kid laying on the couch it made total sense. Awesome, I wanted a Fiero that looks like a Lamborghini! Know why? ‘Cuz right now I ride a fucking bike! So every car is magic and amazing. Make it look like a spaceship and I would sell my little brother for it.

But then I got older found out kit cars “suck.” The only kit cars people accepted were Cobra Replicas, which is fine because if you can only copy one car in the world….Cobra. But now there’s a new category, thanks to cars like the Ariel Atom. It’s “track toy.” And it means you can build anything you want as long as it’s fast, light, uncomfortable for real travel and sickly quick. I support this message. Thanks to Stuart Mills  of Mills Extreme Vehicles Ltd of the UK, you can build that dream can be yours for $6,000, plus a donated Miata.

You can’t help but notice the curved ladder bars on the sides that scream Ariel Atom. However I see this as an homage to the Atom rather than copyright infringement. The Atom made it cool to make a car with no door panel, windshield, roof, comfort, usefulness, rain protection, dog-peeing-through-bars-on-your-seat protection, etc etc. Kit cars were bad because no one can create an HVAC system at home, let alone test for NVH. Like my parents told me when I was young and a woman told me yesterday, “you will always come up short when you set your sights high.”

But what if you make a car that’s only goal is it be cheap and be fucking fun. That’s the Exocet. You grab your (or a friend’s) Mazda Miati (NA or NB), strip the body, unbolt sub-frames, detach wiring and LIFT! Bolt the Exocet “exoskeleton chassis”, wire it up and bam: you have a car that weighs 1,500 lbs,  my friend. Miatas are fun. This weighs almost 1,000 lbs less.  Cruising the forums, the process looked pretty simple. Some of the members made their own modifications and each took different directions with paint, interior and seating but I didn’t see the word “fabricate” or “laser manifold fabrication.” It’s a bolt-on kit car from a proven foundation that everyone loves; the Exocet merely takes the Miata’s natural ability and concentrates it. It’s shrinking a 5-hour Energy into a liquid capsule. Kit cars rule.

If you’re used to more power (or have become numb to low power numbers by the internet) you might want to get the MEV Rocket. It’s based on a Focus, weighs 1,100lbs and makes up to 350HP.

Or just get the single-seater, the Atomic.  It puts a GSXR motor next to you. Weight: 750 pounds. Sweet. My brain says add a turbo at home, but that’s me; I’m an idiot. Stuart runs Mills Extreme Vehicles Ltd, based out of the UK; a place that created “light and fun.” And thanks to MEV and the U.S. distributor, Exomotive, it’s pretty cheap too. I have a Miata, and the only thing I like about it is how fun it is to drive. It loves when I my daily rage and caffeine into the right pedal. And if I can, I will turn it into an Exocet. 12 year old Zack fully supports me on this.

-Zack k

Note: Let’s call this Sunday reading. It’s a bit long but there’s pretty pictures, even one that moves! It’s Sunday, take some time for the story I spent hours on yourself.

SEMA was over. The AdultCon of car shows had packed up, making way for the AdultCon of people; AdultCon. Hundreds of thousands of people stared at thousands of cars, parts, dudes in company polo shirts, failed strippers promo models, obstructing the way for depressed humanoids trying to gamble. Everyone went home on Friday…and missed the best show of the entire week: The Optima Batteries Ultimate Street Car Invitational

You should have gone, because this event is the shit. Matt was invited to compete in his 1998 C5 Corvette. We figured between the car’s lightweight, power and suspension and Matt knowing Spring Mountain like the palm of his hand, he might do pretty well. However we were not prepared for what showed up early on Saturday morning. Make the jump for the story and massive gallery.

Let me briefly explain the Optima Streetcar Invitational. It’s a triathlon for cars, except it has 5 events; Road Rally, Design, Road Course, Auto-X and Speed/Stop Challenge. Points are awarded to the top 20 finishers of each event. The Road Rally was first, but Matt decided not to run it. “Why?” I’m glad you asked.

Road Rally

The Road Rally was from Vegas to Pahrump. That day, NV decided it was bored of being known as a hot desert, and sent some rain (and at higher elevations, snow). Perhaps nature’s way of cleaning Vegas of neon lights and Lambo doors to make room for those talented actresses. Anyway, Matt loves convertibles. Before he drove from LA to Vegas he took the roof off his ’98 Corvette. Did I mention Matt left that roof behind? “That seems silly Mister Zack.” It is silly, Timmy. “Why?” I don’t remember why, something about his car will be in-doors all week and “so many Car Show groupies, it will be hitting me in the face.” Could be paraphrasing.  Point is he left it behind. “Mister Zack, does it rain in Nevada?”

Yes, Timmy. It does.

Cut to Friday, it’s raining and cold. Highway 15 had been closed due to snow. Matt was scrambling to find a solution. Borrow a roof, find a trailer to hitch a ride with, wait for the rain to die…all fails. We stared at the Optima awning, “I wonder if we can make it into a roof, like Lamborghini does…” We couldn’t. So, Matt quietly  put on 2 jackets, racing gloves and drove to Pahrump quickly. Yes officer, the speed keeps the rain out. He described it as a  less-than-optimal fornication experience, AKA, “that fucking sucked!” We felt his pain, our 2011 BMW X5 diesel was fitted with seat heaters only, no massage. The humanity. We thawed ourselves with potato water. The morning’s events were pushed aside by a young woman telling me about her friend, an “actress” who once made a “movie” where she “entertained”  600 gentlemen. I stared at a woman wearing a bikini in the winter, thinking “Can you catch syphilis from a bar stool?” Sleep.

Points earned: 0.

The morning came too soon. Cold and dark. The casino/gas station/swap-meet coffee was shitty. We pulled into Spring Mountain Motorsports Ranch just after daylight did. We parked the car and found Matt in line for tech. He we realized  Optima uses the term “streetcar”  loosely. These cars were serious. A conversation with several owners could have gone like this, “Nice race trailer. Kinda big though isn’t it? You need the space for what?….to hold your 4 rolling Snap-On tool boxes and the soul of Michael Shumacher? Ah I see. Yeah it makes sense then.”

Half the field were classics. Camaros won the  popularity contest, along with 2 ’66 Mustangs that sounded like a NASCAR motor starting in a small cave. In fact, most of these cars had exhaust notes that can pierce a hymen standing too close. One Mustang had a 4-foot tall wing on it… no one laughed. That should say something. It’s the fight club of the pro-touring community. Race engines, wide-bodies, huge huge huge rubber. The fact that a modded Nissan GTR (Gee, wonder how it did?) had serious competition coming from multiple cars 40 years its senior should tell you something. In some ways a battle of generations.  A bright red wide-body Corvette started up. My hangover was overcome with a big grin. This is going to be an epic day. Matt didn’t smile.

Autocross

The good thing about the OUSCI is there’s several events. The bad thing is, two of them are run simultaneously. Because there were so many cars, the event had a tight schedule and the cars were split up. Auto-X and the Road Course would be ran at the same time. So you have to pick whether you want to watch every car do 1 event, or half the cars do both events. We stuck with Matt and headed to the Auto-X course. It was set up to be more open, allowing the high-powered cars to run a bit. No 15 MPH slice and dice.

The lineup was daunting. It included the modded GTR and the down-force-packing Mustang. Oh and Sam Hubinette. He was taking Jamie Howe (the only SPEED host a 13 year old boy should know by name) for an on-camera ride . His parade lap was done dorifto style, the finale stopping in the stop-box while doing a rolling burnout. This is officially the second-best cure of a hangover. Spinning his tires was easy thanks to the frigid 42 degree air and colder tarmac. Despite the cold pavement Matt managed to run the course in 43.5s, 26th place, dead in the middle. Considering it was cold, his tires are old and his car was worth as much as most of the cars’ support tools, finishing mid-pack was fine by him.

The rules say “no pro drivers.” Ok. 10-Time consecutive “recreational” SCCA champion Mary Pozzi came in 2nd ( 39.4s) in a sick, newly-finished 1972 Chevy Camaro. Between its chassis, fender flares and wheel/tire combo it was as classic as an iPad 2. But man, seeing a muscle car rail around an Auto-X with that kind of agility, braking and balance blew me away. I spent a lot of time with these cars as a kid and I never thought I would see them within tenths of a second of a modern Corvette or GTR. And nothing sounds like an old car with race pipes, nothing.

My friends 3ZERO3 Motorsports ran a 43.4s in a VW Beetle with a turboed R32 drivetrain. That silenced several  “un-pimp ze auto” jokes. (There was a particular PT Cruiser that needed to be thrown with a trebuchet due to suffering from whowouldbuildthat-itis. A sweet bonus was watching Goldberg hosting the SPEED coverage of the event. Each car got an introduction, said with the charm of Gerard Butler barking words of encouragement to his men in 300.

Top time went to Danny Popp, turning a 38.2 in his 24 Hour Le Mans GT lookalike  street-capable C6 Corvette. To revisit the conversation on defining “streetcar”; this gentleman had tire warmers on his car while he waited in line. Trailer full of tools, tech team, ok. Fine. Cars are a pain to work on and if you have the $, why not. But tire warmers?  I wanted to look at this gathering as a sort of race amongst gentlemen (and ladies). They all created a car from an idea, brought it to the biggest show and then decided to have a bit of motoring fun in Pahrump. Apparently it’s a bit more serious than that.

Matt’s car was out-gunned and with ninjas like Pozzi and Popp playing, out-driven as well. His goal now was to finish mid-pack, not crash, not break anything and not embarrass himself. Mine was to find water, Advil and warmth. 1 out of 2 ain’t bad.

Points Earned: 0  

Hot Lap Challenge

Thad and I made our way towards the road course, stopping to look at all the pretty metal scenery along the way. I won’t slow this down with commentary on every car but definitely check out the gallery at the bottom. The best viewpoint is the Spring Mountain viewing bridge, perched above the starting line and grid. That’s another great thing about this event: access. You can walk up to the track barrier, there’s viewing towers, you can even go up on the giant Optima trailer. Being able to see everything is what makes a race event fun to attend. Usually it costs extra (pit passes); here were free to roam. Cars lined up as a group, running warm-up laps a few at a time. Each car launches from a stop and ripped directly under us at WOT. I Inhale delicious carcinogens shot out of cat-less exhausts. Thad points North, “We drove over those fuckin’ mountains!“  In the distance, a burnout cracks the cold air. So far, so great.

In the driver’s meeting they had told everyone the warm-up lap was a warm-up lap. We all know where this story is going. Coming around the corner is a ’68 Camaro, driven by someone who is following the meeting’s advice. He’s driving 6 tenths, cruising toward the sweeper. A little behind him is Danny Popp, in his magic car. Danny is also learning the track and exploring his car’s limits on the track but his are a little higher. He’s gaining like a cheetah chasing an old woman. Camaro brakes early. Corvette: Full brake, tire lock, smoke. From my vantage point Danny was close enough to read the other driver’s lips through the rear view mirror.

Someone else had an interesting warm-up lap: Matt. He went off in turn 2 during his warm-up lap. Bad tires and cold ground were charged as the guilty party. Matt shook it off, but we later found out he had broken a sway bar end link, hurting his timed laps later on.

At the end of the event, he had put down a time of 2:00 flat. 26th place again. The other times were all over the place. Some cars that I expected to be slow (1992 2-door Chevy Tahoe with an AT and a big block!?) weren’t. A V6 Mustang had an exhaust that sounded like cicada’s farting into a trumpet buzzed around to everyone’s chagrin.

Others looked fast like the sharp modern/retro 1966 Nova- weren’t. Mary Pozzi’s Camaro thundered round in 1:53.1.  Kyle Tucker put down a 1:48.43 in his 1970 Camaro. But the track was ruled by Corvettes. Danny Popp and Peter Callaway (yeah, that Callaway) ran a 1:42.208 and 1:44.745. The cheater! GTR, with all its computers and TSC:  1:48.441. That shows you how fast those Corvettes are, and also how fast Kyle was in the Camaro.

Points earned: 0

Design Challenge

All day judges were walking around grading the cars for the Raybesto’s Performance Design Challenge. The judges apologized for only having 5 minutes for each car, saying, “There’s some cars we could spend hours looking at.” Cut to Our Super Speeding friend Rob Feretti stood with the judges as they looked over his 1100WHP Supra,  “Yea it’s not probably not one of those 2 hour cars you guys were talking about. Go ahead, pretend to look at it for the entire 5 minutes. ” Matt did not win, but at least he didn’t bring a PT Cruiser with the graphics package off a 1984 surf board.

Points Earned: 0

Speed/Stop Challenge

It was now the last event of the day: The Wilwood Brakes Speed Stop Challenge. The Auto-X course had been cleared and a strip was set up diagonally across the big black slab. Starting at the banner, cars raced towards the stop-box. THe goal was to get to the other side as fast as possible. You had to stop in a box about 40′L x 15′ Wide.  Brake too late you hit the cones and get DQed, too soon and you lose valuable seconds. It was a great test of acceleration and braking, only one of which is a natural skill for old cars.

Thad and I walked out to the tarmac. I never worried about a car getting lose and murdering us, but it is a little interesting standing at that end watching cars with 500+ HP try to contain it at WOT. I saw more than a few hoods waver side to side. The marshals did forbid me from standing behind the stop box for a head-on shot, I guess in case a throttle stuck. Despite having had that experience myself, when the throttle in my ’65 Le Mans stuck at about 95MPH on Highway 1, I thought that type of accident was impossible. At the lease I’d be able to dodge the automotive bull. The marshals are smarter than I, and asked me to move.

Matt hadn’t ever done anything like this but he had plenty of drag racing experience, so the launch was easy. But stopping on cue and calculating that while you’re accelerating as fast as possible must be a strange idea for your brain to understand. Unfortunately Matt hit cones 3 times in a row. No points. Eh, who cares. How often do you need to pull into a garage at 78 MPH?  Back from his runs, “That’s a lot harder than it looks.” I believe him. Another driver advertised confidence. 5 minutes later, “That’s harder than it looks.”

Car after car charged at the box, furiously throwing itself forward with the silence and subtlety of an avalanche and then throw out the anchor and late-brake into the box. The 1957 Chevy Bel Air was fun to watch. It was like a cartoon elephant trying to come to a quick stop right before the cliff. Skid marks were plentiful. It was fucking awesome. A few yards from a juiced up pony car screaming towards us like a rabid dog chasing Lady Gaga.

First place went to Gary Rubio in….the Nissan GTR. It leaped to the box and stopped in 0:06.54s. This surprised no one. What did surprise us is that 2nd place went to Mark Stielo in his ’69 Camaro, which somehow found traction, screaming away with the violence of hesitation of a depleted-uranium round from an AC-10 and came to a rest in only 0:07.096. .6 seconds behind one of the most technically capable cars ever is no joke. Pozzi and Popp were only behind by tenths of a second.

The PT Cruiser showed up. It struggled with the acceleration portion of this event, because it started in 2nd. Then it would downshift from 2nd to 1st about 60 feet from the start line. Its sound was worrisome. “That’s the sound of it trying to kill itself.” a spectator commented. Ba-zing.

Pete Callaway's Corvette

There was one more thing going on during this challenge, that really encapsulates what this event is about. In the middle of the challenge, Peter Callaway was yanking his brake master cylinder, to give to Danny Popp. Danny’s had failed after the road course and its difficult to compete with no brakes. Danny was in competition to win the event, and Peter’s C6 Corvette was a matching tissue doner. This is what weekend racing is about; being competitive without working against each other. It’s just a bunch of really crazy friends. They pulled the part, got it in and Danny was able to get 3rd, putting him tied for the win Mark Stielo. A 2006 Corvette Zo6 and a ’69 Camaro, tied at 80 points in a performance decathlon. Pretty cool.

Points Earned: 0

The judges decision came down to the tie-breaker: the fastest time on the road course wins it. Mark Stielo hadn’t  beat Popp’s time of 1:42.208. But even so, it’s incredible what the pro-touring cars can do. The diversity of the cars, the close-up action, the access and the friendliness of every single person there made this one of the best car shows/races I’ve ever been to. It was relaxed without the bore of a stand around car show. And it was noisy and competitive without feeling to serious or impersonal. New cars, old cars, burnouts, road course, all held together by tens of thousands of horsepower. I was grinning like an 8 year old all day.

Unfortunately the day wasn’t great for Mr. Farah. He actually did pretty well considering the broken end-link, old tires and no tire warmers. But the road rally and Speed Stop Challenge cost him.  Add in judges incapable of appreciating the beautiful and captivating miracle that is a red C5 Corvette and ended up in 46th place.

But Rob Feretti got 47th.

- Zack K

I love the aftermarket. They are the fringe chefs of the auto world. No content with the way something is made, they will take a classic dish-say, risotto – and then add crazy stuff to it like maple syrup and essence of deadly sea urchin. You might think, “What are you doing?? It was delicious the way it is!” But then chef RENNtech presents his 2012 Mercedes CLS63 AMG risotto and after a taste, you stop complaining. Because RENNtech has found that with a simple tune you can extract another 100 wheel horsepower. Yum. Jump for dyno sheets and a video of a race against a Nissan GTR.

I’m not that surprised the CLS has big power potential, because it has a big V-8 with two turbos feeding it air like it’s making foie gras. But I didn’t think you could get 100WHP out of a simple chip. AMG cars always respond well to mods, but this is ridiculous. The other day we were discussing which is a better idea, buying a CLS 550 and chipping it, or dropping significantly more money for the AMG. Well RENNtech dyno’d all of them, including a CLS63 AMG with the performance package, and one without. Check out the dyno below.

The blue line is a stock CLS63 AMG without the added Performance Package. Red line has the $7,500 Performance Package option ticked, raising power from 518HP/516tq to 550HP/590 tq. The Performance Package isn’t anything intense, it just raises boost from 14.5psi to 18.8. On the dyno, they put down 483WHP/478tq and 516WHP/544tq, respectively. So that means A, they’re both really fast and powerful and B, both are a little under-rated from the factory. Despite what your forum or 13 year old cousin has said, these cars are fast as hell. I know its 0-60 time (4.4) isn’t as fast as the Nissan R38 that had twin-supra motors and really strong guy pushing behind it, but in the real world the CLS63 AMG is fast as fuck. I spent a week with one. The only place this car is slow is on the internet.

Then RENNtech starts throwing things in the pot, to satisfy crazy people like  your cousin or wealthy Russians. Or wealthy anyone, really. Their chip gives the CLS a little more of the boost it craves so much, and just like that, it is putting down 583WHP and 643 torques. These aren’t gains at the crank (those numbers are 669hp/734tq. Yes, that is a “7″), this is at the wheels. You know, the part that pushes on the ground? This brings the 0-60 time down to 3.4 seconds, and the 1/4 mile is gone in 11.3s (or 11.2 with DRs). For proof, watch the video below.

So this brings us back to the CLS 550. We knew this motor had potential, and RENNtech’s 550 chip is essentially the same as Mercedes’ Performance Package. It raises power at the wheels from 392whp/441wtq (again, underrated from the factory) up to 447HP/516tq. At the crank, that’s 530HP and 606 torques. In a “regular” CLS. Price for this is only $2,700.

So we were sitting here trying to decide if the AMG part of the CLS is really worth it. That depends on the soundness of your mind. Is 530HP really not enough? Do you really need 669HP, and 734 ft-lbs of torque to be happy in life? The 550 would be an excellent cruiser-probably more comfortable than the AMG- and it will save you $20,000. I guess it depends on your income, how psychotic you are and how much time you spent watching single-turbo Supra videos(I think of them as the gateway drug to delusional power figures). I believe the internet has artificially raised people’s performance expectations and needs. Almost zero percent of CLS owners will drag race them, and only a few more will ever find out how fast it goes from 120 to 180. But there’s something AMG gives you that RENNtech doesn’t: brakes, suspension and stability control. Those are things you might want if you have 600 ft-lbs of torque. Remember, the proper way to upgrade a car is brakes first, power last.

But that’s no fun.

-Zack K

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This is the newest car to be added to the TST Dream Garage. For those of you new to the game, we’re slowly compiling a list of all the cars we’d buy if we had money.  I mean so much money you’d buy one of those stupid, giant yachts that Paul Allen used to substitute his penis. If it’s a vehicle, we can put it on the wish list for the day we all simultaneously win every lottery in the US at once. And being added to that ever-expanding garage in the sky (Skycake made daily) is Vaughn Gittin Jr’s own, 1969 Need For Speed Mustang RTR-X. I ****ing love this car.

This car came out long ago, and it’s been on a tour since it debuted at SEMA in 2010. So you’ve probably seen it, heard of it or read about it. Nothing new. I’d read about it when it came out and thought it was awesome. But that didn’t prepare me for what I’d think when I saw it at Formula D this year at Irwindale. I rounded the corner  and stopped. (Earmuffs kids.) “Hoooo shit.” Make the jump to read my love story, and watch Gittin destroy some tires.

I love this car. I really truly do. Not in the way I love most of the fun power-laden cars that stop off at the office each week. I saw it in person and thought, “This is a car I dream to own. If I ever have the means, I will ask Mr. Gittin Jr permission to replicate it, using the same shops he did. Call me unoriginal, call it a rip-off.  I will care not. Not one bit.”It has a 480HP 5.0L Coyote motor, with some of the sickest, cleanest velocity stacks around. It’s a muscle car, but it has in-board suspension. Know what else has that? Le Mans prototype cars, or the Aston Martin One-77. It has sick diamond-pattern seats, awesome 5-spoke Work Meister wheels. And they’re green. And that is f*cking rock.

Besides all the good parts, power and speed (187MPH!) I love this car is because it combines two things that are very dear to me: Muscle cars and driving. Hot rods are what got me into cars. I used to go to tons of shows as a kid, worked on them before I could drive and owned a muscle car in high school. There’s a feeling they evoke that I haven’t found in other cars. It’s a feeling of power, confidence, and a slightly sinister-but-playful smile. It’s brawny and loud. Mothers look at you like you’ll turn their children into goblins. They’re cars for simply playing.

But they drove like shit. My car didn’t stop, it scraped it’s tires whenever it was forced to turn (mountain roads have never felt so exciting at 22MPH) and it was as nimble as a beached submarine. And when I would drive my friends’ MK1 VW Rabbit, complete with a 14-point cage and full track setup, I realized I was missing something essential. I liked turning. Stopping is a good thing. And if you’ve seen my silly audition for Octane Academy, you will know I have a clinical addiction to sliding cars. Give me any car on a slippery surface and I’m like Cartman at Klan rally buffet.

The RTR-X takes both of these things, essential elements to my very existence, and combines them. It’s a yin and yang of old and new, silly green wheels with a stealthy paint job. A racy digital cluster but with diamond pattern Alcantara. I love old cars and new cars, and this is the best combination of both I have ever seen. And the fact that it is capable of pro-level drifting is the final piece in the perfect car puzzle. I get my muscle car fix, my new technology fix, and my silly dorifto fix. This car is my definition of a good time. That’s all it was made for, and it pushes every button: childish, nostalgic,  irresponsible, adrenaline-seeking. It’s one of the coolest cars I’ve ever seen, it’s one of the best-looking one-offs I’ve seen, and god damn I bet it drives like m*********ing perfection. It’s sick, it’s nasty, it’s ridiculous and it can drive. That’s why it’s in the TST Dream Garage, and that’s why I would immediately steal it and never come back.

Bravo to Vaughn and NFS and all the guys that put this together. The concept was amazing, the art direction is so cool, and the detailed execution is incredible. And thanks to Hot Rod Magazine for filming this awesome video, and for teaching an 11 year old Zack how to box the frame of a  ’34 Ford. Not that I used them.

-Zack K

Due to a high volume of questions about how we film, what radar detectors we like, favorite cameras, etc. we decided to create a little list of all our road trip essentials. It stretches the gamut from the life-giving beef jerky/Monster Rehab combo pack to the cameras and suction cups we use to make our videos. And rather than listing each one here and making you Google them, or worse, making me add links for each one, we’ve created a widget. It’s at the bottom of the page. Just go to the widget (at the bottom, not this picture below) and scroll through the items. When you see something you like, click on it and it will take you to the Amazon page to buy that item.

Widget located at the bottom right of our page.

For some people, a road trip is a rare adventure. They plan the trip, the route, the sites they want to see and head off into the sun in the hopes of adventure. Amateurs. For us, the road trip is as necessary as oxygen. We are constantly driving to locations, cars, tracks, events, etc. The only people who put in as much time on the road as auto journalists have jobs that lump methamphetamine, dead prostitutes and a review of a Waffle House in Utah into a single workday (Truckers. Or Guy Fieri). So we know what’s essential to make a long drive as comfortable, safe, efficient and productive as possible.

SUPPORT TST

Obviously there’s a benefit to this widget on our page. We get a small kickback when you buy a product. Don’t worry, the item costs the same amount as if you found it on Amazon yourself. But it helps us pay for gas, food and production costs. You guys always ask us why videos take so long, and the simple answer is: money. A good location shoot costs hundreds of dollars in gas. If we need to go out of town to a track, it’s over $1000. So if you want more videos and more content, just click through us to get to Amazon. The products we put in the widget are things we own and use. These are our personal essentials, and we never leave home without them. Camera mounts to make your own videos. Radar detector to keep the money in your wallet. Energy drinks so you can run from smokeys long into the night stay alert.

So if you’re going to buy a camera, or want to try mounting your iPhone to film stuff, or want to buy the best radar detector out there, stop by TheSmokingTire.com and search our widget. It helps you, it helps us, and the more people that do it, the more videos you get. Win win win. Now throw a dart at a map and pick your next destination.

-Zack K

A few months ago we were watching a YouTube video of a Mini Cooper powered by 2-yes, 2- Yamaha R1 engines. Rear-wheel drive, two transmissions, two throttle cables, insanity. This prompts the necessary conversation set in fantasy land. You know the one, where you take the car/vehicle you just watched and day-dream about driving it in X location (RWD Mini in a shopping mall anyone?). As we sat there watching this high-powered hamster-sized ball of buzzing fury slay a short track with all the composure and poise of a crack head in the bat habitat at the zoo, I thought about my favorite motorcycle. Ducati. Tough, beautiful, individualisticin their design but still competitive.

And the sound. Oh the sound. A Ducati with a good set of pipes on it can shake city blocks. Bikes with inline fours sound clean, surgical, engineered. They just sound too serious. V-twins sound angry. They sound emotional. They roar through traffic barking at cars and snarling the common commuter into the submissive right lane. They sound an ex-con who had a bad day at his new job. “What if they made a Mini with a Ducati motor…ooooohhhhhh.” Well, they didn’t do that, but someone did make an 800lb track car with a Ducati motor. It took 5 years to make, but only about 5 seconds for me to through it on the dream list. Click for specs and to read the story of how this Ducati-powered labor-of-love, the Spartan V supercar, came to be.

The journey began in Australia. Peter Papanicolaou was nearing middle age, and needed his crisis. He’d earned it. He was going to buy a Porsce 911, but wisely he decided new cars are too clinical and lacked a certain feeling. They lacked something. He’d been riding motorcycles for decades and as someone with some motorcycle experience, I understand what he’s getting at. He could buy a Porsche, or he could build something amazing. So he built something amazing.

What followed was a  5 year project done in the shed in the backyard with his brother and 16 year old son. (A real shed. Not a jokey Clarkson “shed” that’s actually a race team.) I won’t do the full editorial, but if you want one jump over to the Full article in Top Gear Australia.

To be clear, these guys aren’t race techs that built a passion project during their time off from working a pit crew for Audi’s Le Mans team; they’re normal guys that love cars. They had posters on the wall, they had an idea and they had pencils. These were men. They had an idea, and they built it.

5 years later the look of the Spartan V is as incredible as captivating and incredible as the idea itself. It’s red of course, but that is merely excellent lighting on an already gorgeous figure model. The brothers felt the look was as important as it’s eventual performance dynamics. And I’m glad they did. As good as a Caterham is to drive it’s hardly a lady killer. It’s simple, smooth and it looks fast sitting still, which is always a good quality in a car. And why can’t track cars have induce some drooling? Track official like pretty things too.

Peter worked as an engineer by day, and worked on the car at night. His family saw him. Sometimes. He slept. Sometimes. But once it had begun, despite numerous set backs, problems, and unknowns they pushed on. Peter’s 16 year old son, Nicholas Jr, designed the frame on Auto CAD. By chance, he’d just completed a basic course in school. Nice coincidence. The engine came out of a brand new $25,000 Ducati 1198S. And when I say brand new, I mean Peter bought the bike, road 6.8 miles home, and yanked the motor out.

It wasn’t all plug and play. Despite his engineering background and the CAD design speeding things up, it’s clear from TGA’s article the Papanicolaou brothers hadn’t ever undertaken anything like this. I’ve built a kit car, but the body was already done. The frame was even already welded together. To me the body construction is the most foreign part of a process like this. But they pushed on and did it. They made their own mold for the car. I have such a  respect for people like this. I may have whimsically hoped for a Ducati-powered car, but to build one over a 5 year period is something I’m too lazy to do else altogether. This takes balls. This takes risk. This takes heart.

Anyone can buy a Porsche. You could be the most die-hard car/racing/driving nut in the world. You could have name your kids after the chassis numbers of famous race cars and insist your wife get a tattoo of a steering wheel on her back. But if you pull up to a light in a Porsche 911, next to a lawyer who has never seen a stick shift in his life but loves how his 911 cup holders gently cup his peach-colored coffee mug, no one can tell you apart.

The result is a sexy, bellowing 771lb track machine. The 170hp motor should push it to 60MPH in 3 seconds and a top speed around 150MPH. All told this one cost over $100,000 to make, and will sell for around there. The brothers now hope to make 300 units (yes, like after the movie, with the Spartans and the abs and all that), priced about $90,000. It’s silly I know. It’s tiny, has no lights, can’t even be bullshitted into being street legal like an Atom. It will need more maintenance than other Japanese-powered track dogs and it’s a lot of money to give to two guys who-according to their rapidly-spreading blog biographies-don’t totally know what they’re doing. But if the Spartan V  hauls ass the way we think it will. If it turns the way we hope it will. And if it sounds as good as I know it will, it will be the coolest track-car of it’s kind. I’d buy one. It’s the Ferrari of the Radicals, Atoms and X-Bows. For those cars that are just above go-karts, meet your king. As long as it starts…

-Zack K

ENGINE: Ducati 1198S

CAPACITY: 1199cm³

POWER: 170HP

WEIGHT: Aprox 350kg

BRAKES: Front & Rear – Wilwood lightweight 300mm ventilated rotors, Wilwood 4-piston/2-piston billet calipers and Wilwood rotor hats

PEDALS: Tilton racing pedal assembly with remote brake bias

WHEELS: 17 x 7 inch Advan lightweight race wheels

TYRES: Yokohama

TRANSMISSION: 6-speed sequential

SUSPENSION: Fully adjustable double wishbone front and rear with OHLINS suspension

STEERING: Woodward Racing quick ratio steering rack and collapsible steering column, Sparco quick release steering hub, Sparco Formula steering wheel

INSRUMENTS: Ducati 1198 Digitek LCD dash

SEATS: Tilton B5 carbon racing seats, Sparco Racing FIA-approved 5 or 6 point harnesses

FINAL DRIVE: Drexler Motorsport Formula chain drive LSD

CHASSIS: Trellis design spaceframe – 350Mpa DOM mild steel tubing with roll-over protection. FIA-approved roll bar optional

BODY: Carbon-fibre

PERFORMANCE: 0-100km/h: 3 seconds

TOP SPEED: 260km/h

PRICE: $110,000AUD

You know the day dreams you have when you’re stuck in traffic? Not the ones about murdering the entire population in front of you with bazookas (No? Just me?) or driving over them in a monster truck. The ones where you want to drive 140MPH down the shoulder, or wish you have a Spec B rally car to drive down that cushy, grassy median, shooting fireballs of angry contempt and pity at the sorry souls stuck in traffic. Or perhaps on the sidewalk. Fuck those pedestrians, they could use an agility test. Exercise lowers cholesterol. Make the jump for two videos of Russians finding creative solutions to traffic.

That’s apparently the attitude in Russia. These drivers use some interesting ideas to skip ahead of a big traffic jam.  These guys care so little about any laws that exist, the first “technique” they apply is driving behind a trolley car. That’s the opening move, and it just gets better. As Thad put, this is the best example of the “I don’t give a fucks.” They’re either diplomats, officers or just “connected.” Not Vonage connected, drugs, murder and bribery connected.

I love the complete disinterest by the people on the sidewalk. One woman doesn’t even break stride as the car comes within inches of her on the sidewalk. She just does the crowded-bar-shimmy and slides right past. No one yells, waves a “WTF?”, no one even looks at the drivers. Hm. Methinks they know the people in these cars don’t appreciate driving crtique. And if you thought the reverse move was ballsy in the first video, the second video will show you it’s not that original an idea. Maybe communism isn’t so bad…

- Zack K

You may or may not me familiar with my attitude towards NASCAR. Short version: don’t care for it. My disdain for the sport automatically envelopes everyone around it. You could be a 5 year old and I will stubbornly hate you with the maturity of a Bloods and Crips knife fight. Or as applies here, a driver. I don’t hate the drivers personally, just their sport. But after watching this video, Robby Gordon is the man. I’ve watched him do the Baja 1000, and he warmed my heart a bit. After seeing him in this video driving on Bullrun in his 2011 Jeep Cherokee SRT8, I am a fan. Passing a 700WHP GTR is no problem for him. This guy just likes to drive fast. Make the jump for the 12 minute video of Robby absolutely hauling ass.

Better yet, check out his passenger digging his nails into the arm wrests like he’s being electrocuted, the opposite behavior to Robby’s completely calm demeanor. Same demeanor as an 80-year old man clipping rose bushes in his back yard. Passing on a crest over a double yellow? “Hm. Interesting. Should I eat chicken tonight or fish? Well, there’s the mercury to worry about…” I also applaud him for throwing caution, laws and (probably) sponsorships to the wind in the name of adrenaline, fun and rallying. Robby, if you’re taking resumes for passengers, I can make a pretty mean bottle of water and I have an excellent palate for selecting gas station beef jerky.

- Zack K

Here at The Smoking Tire, we love all things fast and crazy. We drive on runways as fast as possible. We break commuting records (through the use of flying carpets, not speeding). Generally speaking, we’re all a little out of whack and “safe” is either a relative term or a the subject of a meeting.

But we are not as crazy as the guys and gals that attack the Isle of Man T.T. They are completely nuts. They actually need the storage compartment under their mouse-pad of a seat to hold their balls. Yup, the women too. 200 MPH through towns, city streets, and along cliffs. A race where low siding could mean flying through someone’s dining room wall. It’s insane, and we love it. We found this video of one of our favorite races, and wanted to share.  The ability of these riders is beyond belief and their talents are highlighted with the beautiful slow motion shots. We would love to go and film this maniacal art,  so buy some t shirts and glasses.  Then make the jump and enjoy the amazing video by TheSmokyProduction.

By Zack and Thad

At times I am a walking contradiction. I support the EPA and Sierra Club but if you hand me a gun and 4 sets of tires I’ll Yosemite Sam Hubinette that shit all day long. And as much as I love burning as much gas as possible, it’s expensive, and I am poor. So when the CR-Z concept came out, I thought it was that bowl of porridge made of half hybrid MPG and half sports car. A few weeks ago I got one to try out. How did it do? Make the jump to find out.

When sugar-free food came out, companies were practically hurling them at people with air cannons as they pulled in the grocery parking lot. “Zero calorie chips!  Muffins! Cookies, creams, syrups, jams, there’s no sugar!! Jump on our bandwagon” The green movement has been no different, with every manufacturer making a hybrid-or in the case of the extinct BMW X6 Hybrid- trying to. Everything must be “green.” Our bags, soaps, cars, towels… I’m just waiting for a filter we pee into to make our excretions more earth-friendly. And yes, I know pee is sterile.

So like those weird foods when it came to hybrids there was always a lingering taste of strangeness. A “close, but no cigar” feeling. Hybrids were good at getting good mileage, but little else. Many people buy them, many don’t.

I’m one of those that don’t. You’d think it has something to do with my current bank account, and you’re almost right. Poor, yes, but if I really wanted to sell my questionably safe Miata and buy a used hybrid, I could. My brother picked up a used Civic for $5k. I imagine he spends his gas savings on organic roofies, the explanation for him laying so many toned, patchouli-scented yoga lasses.

My problem is hybrids were as boring as charting a trees daily growth. It wasn’t driving, it was like pointing a bumper boat, but with less adrenaline. It was like watching an Amish porno: Two people go in the house, the camera stays outside, and there’s no sound. That’s the level of arousal a Prius got out of me. The Porsche 918 Spyder prevented me from killing myself, but unless you guys buy 1,000,000 Smoking Tire T-shirts, it’s out of my debit card’s reach.

So I waited for a discount 918. I wanted a car that can kiss apexes and free-range baby lambs (delicious) with equal skill. And that’s what Honda was offering with the CR-Z. “It’s a hybrid, but it’s “sporty!” Come on kids, try it!” Alright, I think I will.

Outside, the CR-Z is a cool car. I like the front, I like the back, and I like the profile. It looks lower than it is. It looks capable and ready. I wanted to plow through traffic, like I was in Flight of the Navigator (It’s a space ship, before you ask) and the peons commuting to work should part for me like the legs of an “actress” from San Fernando Valley. Considering the analogies I’ve used for the Prius (Looks akin to a melted Starburst, comatose, supports self-inflicted homicide) I’d say the CR-Z is off to a very good start.

The inside is confusing. Not from the driver’s seat. It’s what you expect from a current Honda. Little dated, and not a front-runner of interiors, but it works in this car. In the Civic SI last year I remember thinking “Are we in a space ship?” Same here, but in this car it works. The batteries and electric motors nearby justify the blue lights, changing colors (green, blue and red, depending on your driving mode) and odd mesh panels. There’s plenty of storage, and I like the iPod shelf (although the cable looked it was from an abandoned Radio Shack). There’s not too much hard plastic, the driver inputs are in easy reach, and our EX model had all of today’s gadgets.

But if your passenger is over 6 feet tall, they won’t be happy. And if you need to open the glove box, you won’t be happy. Even with the seat all the way back, it was inaccessible. Why they positioned it so low I have no idea. Any lower and the door would have been facing the engine bay.

     I also don’t understand the semi-back seats. They call it a parcel shelf, but it looks like a back seat that’s was picked clean by vultures. Europe offers a back seat, and I’m sure it saved Honda money using this universal substitute, but I kept looking for a seatbelt. But because it’s a hatch you can get 25 cu. ft. of storage space. You probably can’t take it furniture shopping, but that’s what friends with trucks are for. The NAV is also a bit cheap and dated looking, but with a smart phone in my pocket, I can let it go.

My CR-Z loaner was blessed with the 6-speed manual, and folks, this is the way to go. I know, having an automatic allows you to relax in traffic (i.e. text, Facebook, makeup, digitally manipulate) but because this is a hybrid, downshifting to brake-while not really slowing you down- charges the battery. I go over two small hills on my commute, and despite driving this thing like the angry, over-caffeinated short-tempered ass I am, I got 26 MPG. That’s only 5MPG off the EPA estimate (31/37MPG). I attribute this to downshifting. Each time I slowed I was charging the battery.

The CR-Z engine caught me by surprise. The car never felt fast, so when I looked at the speedo during on-ramp “tests” I was actually surprised. It only makes 113hp from the 1.5 liter 4-banger, and the DC motor only adds another 13. The electric motors are there to assist acceleration, not be a primary motivator. So total, you get 126hp, nothing special. But, the electric motor adds 58 ft-lbs of torque, for a max of 181 ft-lbs. Might as well be the Duramax of small Honda engines. That torque is available during WOT applications, and comes in handy when passing or expressing your 8AM hatred of the world. It’s just sad the only indicator of speed is in fact, the speed indicator.

The power delivery depends on what setting you have it in. The CR-Z has 3: Eco, Normal and Sport. Eco lightens up the AC output, throws glue on the DBW throttle response and limits the electric power (but still goes to 100% at WOT. Smart). Sport turns engine response, throttle and steering up, and Normal is in the middle. I used Eco mode a few times in traffic, or on the highway. It’s slow, but it’s supposed to be. I will praise Honda for having the forethought to give the car full power under WOT. God forbid you need to get out of the way of a valium-soaked divorcee` in an Escalade, you want power to be available.

The handling on the CR-Z was not what I expected. It actually had a surprising amount of grip. On/off-ramps were taken at higher speeds than expected, completely without a hiccup. But while cornering at 70mph, I was close to testing the durability of the side mirrors on concrete. Lot’s of grip, but also body roll. I found the suspension to be much too soft, even over potholes in town. Honda wanted mass-market appeal, but it felt like I was in a rowboat on a lake of heavy cream (also smothering the sense of speed). Thicker sway bars and slightly stiffer shocks would do it well.

So what do we end up with? Well, a bit of a confusing attempt at breaking ground. The CR-Z is the first sporty hybrid for people other than OPEC Chairman, and that’s a good thing. But if you look at what else is available, even in Honda’s own showroom, it’s hard to see why you’d buy one. The Honda Fit (watch our review) is the same size, has the same cargo space, gets the same highway MPG (28/37) and costs $6k less. A Hyundai Accent holds a little less, and uses more gas, but saves you $8k. And while you’re in the Hyundai lot, check out a Veloster, which gets 40 MPG (manual). The $23k sticker on our test car gives you tons of options, some from Honda themselves.

With the interior issues, soft handling and lack of exceptional MPG, you’d think Honda has failed. The CR-Z is certainly not a sports car, at least in its stock form.  Despite being underwhelmed, I  like this car. I like it for what it represents. A car with an enthusiast’s interests at heart is what the future needs. I love big, cammy V8s that get 4 MPG. There’s nothing more fun than roasting tires with a catless exhaust and a big block screaming at the world. But I can’t do that everyday. I saw 3 CR-Zs at the Formula D event, so I know I’m not alone. If I can drive to work in my normal aggressive, senseless, lead-footed fashion and get 26+ MPG, I’m a pretty happy camper.

While the CR-Z has a lot of weak spots, I tip my hat to Honda for being the first out the gate with something like this. I hope we will see a car in the near future that has a little more “sport” DNA in it’s skeleton, yet uses a hybrid powertrain. Car enthusiasts, drivers, “car people”, we’re all a bunch of picky, high-maintenance asses. But for a long time green cars makers were asking us to crush our passion or ignoring us altogether. Honda is trying to include us in their future; they just need to work a little better at it.

- Zack K

This is a Sponsored post written by me on behalf of Untitled Jersey City Project. All opinions are 100% mine.

New Jersey is like, soooooo hot right now. From Real Housewives to Jersey Shore, people can’t seem to get enough of America’s armpit. Now, a new series, tentatively (or really, we’re not exactly sure) titled Untitled Jersey City Project has come to light, with an unlikely sponsor: Audi.

For those unaware, Jersey City is the urban area immediately across the Hudson river from lower Manhattan. And for the past, say, 80 years, it has been in a perpetual state of decline. In this new action/drama series, the character development is based around the rebuilding of Jersey City. But while the buildings are shiny and new, steel and glass, the old ways of New Jersey haven’t exactly retired. This then, is a sign of the times. In The Soprano’s, it was all about the GM cars. Likewise for Jersey Shore. But check out the teaser video for a dinner-sized helping of Audi. We see the new A6 in the teaser film (a car I’d very much like to drive), but the enthusiast vehicles are suspiciously missing. What, no mob bosses driving around in R8 V10′s? Either way, hit the jump to watch the video and let us know what you think in the comments!

Untitled Jersey City Project

Ah crossovers, the market segment that everyone loves. Created to fill the void between cars and SUVs that we weren’t aware of but quickly decided we couldn’t live without. Like a new coffee drink called “room temp brew.” We thought we were happy with the options “iced” or “hot.” How silly of us. Crossovers are like the calorie-free sweetener of the month. It promises you the SUV flavor you love without the gas-guzzling fat you hate.

It’s the ever-present attempt to have our cake and eat it too. High seat point, happier trees, everyone hold hands. But I don’t like room temp. I looked at crossovers like people that blended perfectly good vegetables so they could drink green-brown sludge. Yuck. Either eat a salad or have some juice or fucking starve. Then the XC showed up…  Make the jump for the full review of the 2011 Volvo XC60 R-Design.

The real problem is there just weren’t any cross overs I liked. The SRX was weird looking, the Venza looks like a wagon who eats deep-fried butter daily and the Acura ZDX is the auto equivalent of a “grenade.” Fine, Matt, I’ll drive the ZDX while you drive it’s hot friend, NSX.

When Matt said we had a Volvo XC60 outside I was skeptical. The balls had been cut off anything with the likeness of an SUV long ago and I assumed this was another eunuch that would ferry spoiled children into neighborhoods called “Terraced Acres Stone Canyon Terrace.” Rugged.

But maybe this would be better, because this Volvo was a 2011 XC60 R-Design. “R” on a Volvo is probably Swedish for “Good.” They’re often brushed aside so we can fawn over celebrities named “AMG” and “M” but the fact is Volvo makes some good cars, and adding power, brakes and feedback always makes things better.

Here it means they added some nice trim, bigger wheels, roof spoiler and painted some panels. It works. It looks good. It reminds me of the early BMW X5, which I liked a lot. It has a good blend of curves, slants and shoulders. From the side, it looks dug in-like a sprinter in the blocks ready to go. The little trim pieces and wheels all add up.

It didn’t take long to conclude the XC60 R-Design drives great. The power from the turbo inline-6 comes on early, and the 325lb-ft of torque is spread nicely across the rev range. Grocery trips turned into battle of the suburban power trip. The XC corners flat enough to tempt me to our budget “skid pad”, a nice series of on-ramps with good tarmac. This car is pretty fun. Hm, I’m starting to like this car.

Inside is also good. It’s didn’t wow me, but everything you want is there in tasteful, pleasing simplicity. The seats offer great support and comfort, although I’m not a fan of the two-tone. The center console is angled at the driver, the NAV has been improved and the gauges look good. The steering wheel had a few too many buttons for me. Too many means fumbling thumbs and then you’ll look down, which is more distracting to any decent driver than reaching to the center stack.

The center console has cool fake aluminum and CF-inspired plastic in the middle. It’s not trying to be carbon fiber, more like CF’s cousin. Similar but different, and it works.  Volvo knows how to make lemonade with plastic lemons. My only issue was all the buttons are about the same size and shape, so it takes a while to know where everything is. Once you know, the buttons make menu access easy. No searching with a crab-cake under your arm rest, searching sub-menus like some stupid hacker in a movie. Radio? Button. Climate? Button. Good.

One of these buttons deserves a little investigation: the radar-controlled braking system. Basically the system will adjust your speed to maintain a distance, as well as alert you if you leave your lane, and even slam on the brakes to prevent an accident. It even says it will panic brake should a person wander onto the road. Sounds smart. Here’s the problem…

Volvo says the system will prevent accidents with cars and people. The panic-braking system cannot be turned off, so even if your reaction times are dulled by sleep depravation the XC is there. But when I opened the manual to figure out which button did what, I was slapped in the face with more warnings than a pharmaceutical ad. Here’s some of the winners:

Won’t provide warning/brake in tunnels, or darkness, even if there’s street lights.

Guess what, people drive in the dark. That’s probably when they need help the most.

Slow moving vehicles might not be noticed.

So if my cruise control is set at 40 mph, and I come up behind an old lady going 22, I might hit her? This is like saying “oven may not bake.”

And my absolute favorite: Strong sunlight, reflections from a road surface, ice or snow covering lane markings may reduce capacity…

Ok the part about ice or snow covering the lines I get but strong sunlight? Guess what Volvo, it gets sunny sometimes. In fact, light is kind of helpful in seeing things. So how come when the conditions are optimal for human vision, the Volvo’s stumbles? I guess it’s better at night…wait can’t do that either.

It seems like they tried to make a radar safety system, it kinda worked, so they said “Well, we already spent the money for R&D, so let’s just add a warning for every condition possible so we can’t be sued.” If they made the Roomba the box would say, “Works on carpet, hardwood or laminate. Unless the laminate is any color other than white, or white. The carpet can be thick, but not too thick. And the house must be furnished but empty.” This thing is Goldilocks.

I understand this is a step toward the autonomous car, but I think it should be a bonus rather than a feature. “Some customers will receive cars that stop themselves! Could you be a lucky winner?!” I guess if you want Volvo to protect you make sure it’s on a freshly painted road, on a cloudy day, wind from the East at 8mph, blood pressure 140/80 with nothing shiny and no cars. “Oh geez I had a cookie before I drove, what if the XC is a diabetic…”

The competition in this segment is fierce. Everyone makes a crossover. You can get a Audi Q5 for the same money, and with the 2.0T it gets better MPG. I think the Q5 looks like an egg with LED lights stuck to it, so I’d still pick the Volvo, but there is a crossover for everyone. If you like the Volvo, make sure you read up on its reliability. J.D. Power gave the 2011 XC an overall rating of 6/10. It received great scores in drivetrain reliability, but the features and interior quality section suffered, a point driven home by a loud rattle that developed at the tailgate on our still-young test-car.

If you want a crossover, the 2011 XC60 R-Design is one of the best. You get your coveted hip point, good looks, good driver feedback and all new technology inside a package that’s as safe to be inside as a nun’s “whispering eye.” The only real problem I have with the Volvo XC60 R-design is the poor gas mileage. The XC gets 17 MPG city and 22 highway. For reference, a 1997 Cherokee (4WD, V-6) got 15/19. The XC is an improvement, but not by much. For me, 22MPG on the highway is unacceptable for a car whose first goal isn’t canyon carving. If that’s a concern to you, then it’s a very good crossover.  It’s a great car for a market segment that is hugely popular. It’s just a market I disagree with. Personally, I’d buy a wagon.

- Zack K

This past weekend I went to Lake Tahoe, and during the 4 days I had there a theory I have had for years was nailed down with depleted-uranium nails driven onto a board made from magnetic diamonds and covered in amber; 99% of the SUVs on the road are unnecessary.

There is no better place to witness and understand the uselessness of the SUV than Lake Tahoe in the middle of winter. You see, over the holiday weeks that span Christmas and New Years, everyone who’s ever been drawn to the snow, be it a hardcore 50-year ski veteran or a family of 4 from San Diego taking their first ski trip, is there. That means the diversity of the vehicles on Highway 80 heading over the mountains is as diverse as the LGBT support group at an international Hostel in New York. For better or worse, the highway going over the pass is a smattering of lifted trucks, pathetic chain-shodden Prius, rusting 4x4s, AWD cars and way too many idiots from the bay who put 22s on their 4wd truck, forcing them to put chains on. The equivalent of buying a tiger to look badass but having it de-clawed and it’s teeth flattened. You’re quite the pimp until someone breaks into your house and leaves with all your money and a new rug.

My vehicle for this trip was a 2006 Volvo V50 wagon with AWD and a turbo-charged inline 5-cylinder. It impressed me more every day. It had Continental All-season tires on it. No Blizzaks fitted with ninja swords like you find in CO, just a good set of tires meant to handle all conditions. And they did. The weight of the car (and it’s cargo) and a good AWD system was all we needed to go up/down our icy driveway, slalom around stranded motorists and barge through 10 inches of fresh “Sierra cement.”

It got good gas mileage, felt more stable than anything I’ve driven in the snow, and just worked wonderfully. And when you get it in the dry it drives great. And as we cruised up Highway 80, eventually coming to a stop for chain control, I took a look the cars around me, and wondered why we still buy SUVs with the idea that on our yearly trip to a snowy place, they will easily and safely transport us to our weekend chalet, making up for the added cost and bad fuel economy we deal with the other 360 days of the year.

On this trip I saw several accidents (none life-threatening), but my favorite was a brand new, virgin-white Chevrolet Suburban with it’s back wheels in a ditch on the right side of the road. This was particularly impressive because it was on a very very gentle RIGHT hand curve that followed a straight as long as Texas. This road was as hard to maneuver as the line to buy your lift ticket. But somehow Johnny Igotmesum-Fourwheeldrive spun his land-yacht the opposite direction of the turn and like an 85 year old man on the toilet, dropped his Michelin balls into the icy cold water that is a ditch. Bravo.

Aside from 2wd trucks/SUVs, I don’t have a problem with the cars themselves. I owned 3 different cars in my 9 years living in Colorado, and driven dozens of others that were borrowed from friends. Some were well-suited for the winters of that state, and some (a borrowed 1982 Chevy Citation) had no business being on the road in mild humidity, let alone snow. But what you notice is that no matter what people drive, they get where they’re going and in a timely matter. The only time the freeway came to a crawl is if a car flipped over, or there were simply too many Carhart-clad, goggle-tanned bros trying to get first tracks. You could be behind an 82 Cutlass with all-season tires and be comfortable that the driver knew what he was doing.

You think this is the same as your Crossover SUV. It isn't.

The problem in California, is everyone buys an SUV and thinks that when they sign on the dotted line Harry Potter comes down from heaven and farts into their mouth, giving them iron-clad stability on the road no matter what. So what you end up with is a bunch of idiots that have never driven on anything slipperier than a polished parking garage heading up to the mountains in their new Grand Laredo RX450 Titan with the optional Stabilitrakular system. They can sync their phone to their kid’s DVD player and have every Crate & Barrel store programmed in their GPS, ignorant to the reality nothing substitutes for knowledge and skill. I don’t care how many TV screens your new “truck” (which is likely built on a car platform) has, it doesn’t make you invincible.

You would think this would result in Joe Tahoe driving 80mph in the snow, one hand on the wheel, his figurative snow-cock growing by the mile suddenly sliding over a rail and tumbling to a chilly death in the lake below. I wish. That would provide a cautionary tale to others while opening up a lane. The problem is the second people notice it’s a little slippery, reality hits them; “I’ve never driven in the snow. Oh Jesus. Maybe there’s some valuable information in the Dora the Explorer DVD I have playing on my 4 TVs.” So people revert to a timid crawl of 5mph, putting along in fera while I sit behind them filling the car with so many curse words my Dad has to roll down the window as if we all just downed a Taco Bell Party box.

When you’re uncertain, slower is better, I get that, but when I see someone in a big truck, capable of plowing through mud and 2 foot snow drifts driving slow enough to get passed by a local 6 year old on Big Wheel, I want to turn into Michael Douglas in Fallen and shoot holes in you “Ultra-AWD” badge. If you want a good all-season car, why not choose one that gives you all the safety and grip you could want while saving you money and shutting up Green Peace?  I understand there are people that need big trucks for work, or towing; fine. I don’t, my mom doesn’t and that lady at Starbucks on her way to a HOA meeting to discuss mail box colors damn sure doesn’t.

The lesson is nothing can substitute for know-how and skill, so why try to supplement those with the letters “S-U-V”? Next time you’re shopping for a family hauler that’s snow ready, test drive a wagon. It will drive better in the dry, and handles snow fine. After all, if Ezra Dyer can take an Audi R8 grocery shopping in the snow, you’ll be fine.

-Zack k

Some say “nothing good happens after 2am.” I don’t know what time it was when an OmniAuto reader took these pictures, but I doubt it was during normal commuting hours. Like a Corleone, if you want to move a body and keep it quiet, you do it late at night. What we have here is one of the most anticipated cars from one of the biggest “families” of Italia; Lamborghini’s successor the retired Murcielago. Make the jump to see all the spy shots.

We’re unsure if this is a camouflaged Aventador, or the top-secret 83X, but the roofline looks similar to the car spotted at the gates of the Nurburgring a few months back. Lamborghini’s next super car will have a new 700hp V-12, as well as an all new transmission. As you can see by the camouflage-apparently sourced from un-sold 3d posters- Lamborghini doesn’t want to show their hand until the official unveiling.

We don’t know the specs and specifics, but it’s a new Lamborghini so there’s a few things you can be sure every part of it (except it’s weight) will be greater than the Murci it replaces. That means more power, speed, money, bigger brakes and a crazier looks. The body is being built by the same company that made the tub for the McLaren M4-12C, so it will weigh the same as an Olson twin. Rigidity is said to be up, and vaginal attraction will also be up at least 10%. We’ll be impatiently waiting.

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A stainless steel exhaust system is considered by many to be much more attractive than plain steel. Stainless steel is able to resist corrosion much better, also carbon deposits and other residue can be very easily cleaned from the exhaust. Everyone with a sports or show car where the exhaust is exposed would pick stainless steel over plain steel for those very reasons.

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I fucking hate traffic. Not exactly a Pulitzer statement but in LA it is just as bad as everyone says. When have you exited the freeway to drive on residential streets with stop signs, knowing you will get to your destination way ahead of the people in gridlock? For me it’s a daily occurrence. The only way to consistently travel on the freeway without cursing so loud is shatters your window is by using the car pool lane. But you need a passenger for that and hiring a day-laborer to ride with me to and from work gets expensive and picking up homeless people is only good for testing your immune system. But a Costa Mesa real estate agent accidentally found the creepiest solution I’ve ever heard of; a corpse.

In December of 2009 a Costa Mesa real estate agent met a homeless woman, named Signe Margit, at public park in Fountain Valley. The agent took pity on Margit’s situation, and offered to let Margit sleep in her 1997 Mercury Grand Marquis instead of outside. A few months later Margit passed away while sleeping in the passenger seat.

I don’t about you but if I go back to my car and there’s a dead body in it, I never want to sit in that car again. Call the cops, remove body, blow up car, sink in ocean. That’s what my intuition tells me.
The real estate agent decided to give “Respect the dead” a whole new meaning, and left here there, undisturbed, for 10 months. Creepy right? Not as creepy as the fact she continued to drive the car with Margit less than 2 feet away. She said she was afraid to report the death for fear of reprisal. You’re probably thinking, “Don’t dead people smell?” Yes they do, gold star for you. The woman said she became “accustomed to the smell.” and used baking soda to mask it.

Baking soda? I’ve had baking soda in the same refrigerator as expired milk; milk won. Not only is that a new level of gross, it at least puts you on Hell’s radar. Eventually the smell drew the attention of police to the car 10 months later. They said that because the windows were kept up (wow) and the weather conditions at the time allowed the relative preservation of the body, although at the time of removal it only weighed 30 pounds. (21 grams, eat your heart out.)

There’s no evidence this agent was using Magit’s corpse to skate down the 405, but I hope that she had an ulterior motive. Evil and creepy as it is, at least that lends some reason to her behavior. TST does not endorse driving around with petrified dead people just to save time on a commute or getting a group rate at Six Flags. But if she wasn’t getting anything out of her passenger, then she’s completely fucking insane with a seriously deluded idea of what police think is “suspicious behavior.”

“Oh dear me, it looks like she passed away last night. That’s so sad! What should I do? Should I call the police? No I can’t do that. If I tell them this kind woman died of natural causes after I gave her a place to sleep they’ll give me the chair. Well maybe I should…Oh crap is it 12:15 already? I have an open house in 15 minutes! And I still have to pick up that cheese platter! I’m sorry Mrs. Magit, I just don’t have time right now, but I’m putting you on my “to do” list, I promise. I hope you don’t mind AC/DC, it pumps me up for a sale.”

It should come as no surprise that the next car I voted into our Dream Garage is the Alfa Romeo 8C Competezione. Earlier this year I was lucky enough to work on a shoot featuring a black 8C. When it was unloading from the transport truck I stared it with all the wonder of a 14 year old boy looking at his neighbor’s house, realizing his neighbor is Jordan, and her shower has a bay window. Then I got invited to go for a ride, and I haven’t stopped thinking about that day since.

Rather than start off by hurling acceleration statistics and engine-bore diameters at you I wanted to start with the first sense a car touches; sight. It’s why magazines have pictures, and why that television thing really caught on. There’s no cliche called “Love at first smell.” or “Love at first 3rd date discussion about the latest episode of House.” only “Love at first site.

Cars have been compared to women for decades. The most beautiful coupes have that hourglass figure that grabs our optical senses somewhere deep down in our DNA. While everyone could have a different list of the 10 most beautiful women ever, it would be odd to find someone that wouldn’t have the 8C in their Rolodex of beautiful cars. It’s a rare event to put a bunch of car nerds and journalists in a room and hear silence, but this car often does just that.  It doesn’t matter what angle you view it from; panoramic, wide, fisheye, close-up or electron microscope; it just looks incredible. The shape speaks for itself, it’s a classic long-hood/short deck coupe. It’s round,  but Alfa added a little edge to the ends, making sure the performance of this coupe isn’t looked over.

Looking closer we see Alfa has put just as much work into the details as they did the overall shape. The headlights for example, are the best fusion of modern projectors within a classic shape that I can think of, and integral to creating the best front end on the road today. The taillights are round, simple, classic Italian. What Alfa did was create a beautiful shape, and didn’t compromise a thing when they added all those “mandatory” items-like headlights.

The inside is the same; simple yet striking. I especially like the aluminum in the center stack and passenger “oh shit” handle, carved from single pieces of aluminum. The cockpit is simple sports car. There’s no pop-NAV, massager seats or built-in electric razors. Carbon fiber is everywhere, with the raw weave showing through on the doors, dash board and center console. The only thing I didn’t like was the stereo, because it looked like it was pulled from a parts bin marked “1992 stuff.” Besides, the exhaust makes any stereo obsolete. From the beautiful 3-spoke wheel to the carbon doors to the clean center console with the very piece of the interior made me smile. It only has what you absolutely need, and all those things are done with the touch of an artist. It reiterates what the exterior already said.

Unlike some of the more popular models today, the 8C has a very nice brain between its ears. It’s a high-compression Ferrari-built 4.7 Liter V8 that needs to be whipped all the way to 7,000RPM to make all of its 450hp. Being a high-strung engine also means torque wakes up late, requiring you to wait until 4750RPM for all 354lb ft. But that’s ok, because it’s just another excuse (like you need one) to hear every note of the fossil-fueled choir from the quad exhaust tips. Power is sent to the rear wheels through a 6-speed paddle-shifted transaxle, which also gives the car perfect 50/50 weight distribution.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8br0BHXqjt4&feature=player_embedded#!

It may have a Ferrari powerplant, but challenging an F430 to a race around Laguna for pink slips will result in you calling a cab. It’s paddle shifted ‘box takes 0.2 seconds to shift, compared to a ‘Scud’s 0.06 seconds between ratios. Alfa says it will hit 60mph in 4.2 seconds-a time that has proven hard to replicate and most other Italian brands have bested years ago. But the 8C is still a capable sports car, with fairly quick turn in and good grip. Power over-steer is a simple right-foot-request away. Push it hard enough and the body does roll, contradictory to what you’d expect from such a hard ride. I don’t care. Whining it’s not the fastest car in the world is like dating Natalie Portman and complaining she only went to Harvard for her undergraduate education; think big picture. In ‘Sport Mode’ with the baffles open, the engine barking and popping and nothing but carbon fiber as far as the eye can see, the car is enchanting. It’s not trying to win races, set ‘Ring records or hover across the Atlantic. It’s trying to be a small, beautiful, Italian sports car and for that test it gets an “A.”

This car was built to re-introduce Alfa Romeo to the world and in some cases (America) prepare for the arrival of other Alfas. The word that came to my mind when I thought about it was “compromise” in the sense that this car has none. They designed a perfect shape, and then they built it. The interior has everything you expect in a small GT car, and nothing more. It’s not a drag-out race car, or a comfortable do-everything cruiser. It is what it is. And if you don’t like it, fine, there’s the door, have a nice day. Alfa only built 500 but the very day they unveiled the production model at the 2006 Paris Auto Salon 1200 people put down their name to order one.

This car doesn’t have every button and gizmo known to man, because that’s not what it’s for. If you bought one of these and said, “It’s pretty good, but I wish it had more USB jacks and laser-guided steering.” go slam your head in a door (Not the 8c’s door, because they’re too light to do real damage). Because you’re missing the point. It is, and will remain, one of the most beautiful cars of all time. It’s fast enough, decent on a track, and sounds like the offspring of a Corvette and Lamborghini. I rejoice in the simplicity of it’s bare interior, rather than complain about it. It’s beautiful, exclusive, fun and has more soul that 100 Mitusbishi Evos combined.

In the past Alfas were known for being unreliable, uncomfortable and just plain hard to live with. Yet people loved them, driving them til the wheels fell off, bolting them back on and driving them some more. That was before my time, but I think I finally understand why.

-Zack K

Cars bearing the name “Jaguar” carry with them a certain mystique that few other manufacturers possess. This comes from a history of making beautiful cars that always tried to provide luxury and performance that goes back decades. They have that “it” factor, akin to cutting the line at a club or getting a table at a fancy restaurant without a reservation. There’s only a few other companies out there with the same notariety, and most of them have Italian names. Despite having made cars that were as reliable as receiving a heart from an 85-year old donor, a 1984 Jaguar will still garner more interest and attention than 2010 VW CC any day.

This is half the reason my excitement level was bordering on “Christmas-morning” when Matt told me to come down and pick up the 2010 Jaguar XF Premium. My brain had released the romanticism chemical of that 2-seat E-Type from the 60′s. I hadn’t been up close with an XF, but I knew it would have leather and wood and make me feel cool enough to change my name to “McLovin.”

The other half came from how beautiful the XF is. The Aston Martin Rapide aside, I think it’s the best-looking sedan on the road today. It looks good from any angle. I hate cliches, but the slanted headlights, hood bulges and it’s ample curves make it look like a predator, prowling traffic for lesser vehicles on which to feed. The subtle curves, wide fenders and bulges are like muscles under a perfectly-tailored suit. The XJ may be the new flagship of Jaguar, but if it was my family portrait the XF would be in the center.

It should look good, because it was designed by Ian Callum, the same man who laid out the Aston Martin DB9 (a connection visible in the XF’s profile). Callum has a connection to Jaguar that goes beyond mere employment. At age 14 he wrote them a letter asking them to hire him as a designer. That long term admiration was clearly channeled through his pen. The best-looking cars come from a deep place in the heart of an artist, not a marketing department trying to combine a jeep, an SUV, a minivan and a boat into some ugly swiss-army-crossover.

The interior is just as good. The Jaguar XF is a mid-level luxury car, a class with stiff competition from the Audi A6, BMW 5 series and Mercedes E-Class. After 3 days in this car, I have to say the cockpit takes second place only to the Audi, but barely. The leather, wood and aluminum (all standard) are everywhere and woven together perfectly. Every touch point is either soft leather or shining wood. The gauges look and work great, and visibility out the front is ample.

If I could I would put the Jaguar’s interior under a new category called, “Minimalist luxury.” Audi interiors are amazing because they have everything you need at the touch of some very pretty buttons. It’s very convenient, but unless you’re having hot flashes or have ADD, a lot of those buttons go unused for a long time. The center console has plenty of storage, but if you don’t want to look at it you can close 2 wood-covered panels that look great next to the aluminum shifter puck.

The XF tucks almost everything out of the way, leaving you with a clean and simple dash that relaxes the mind as soon as you got in. But Jaguar didn’t make the increasingly-common mistake of putting everything in the hands of a touch-screen. The important things – locks, radio, HVAC and a Main Menu button- are elegantly laid out under the touch screen. And they’re so simple, finished in a soft silver, that they almost fade away while you drive.

There’s some clever icing on this cake too. Jaguar made the map lights touch-sensitive, so turning them on takes less effort than typing “a”. On the steering wheel there’s little wheels to control the volume and phone and they feel a more natural than the usual buttons. I sound like I’m lazy, but the way I look at a luxury car’s goal is to make life effortless. The XF is like a hotel concierge service; everything is done with the simplest request, but when you don’t need it it stays out of your room.

Of course, there’s reasons it gets 2^nd place: The NAV/touch screen (also standard) is easy to use, but it’s a little slow, and the “ok” button-which you use a lot-is tucked so far in the bottom-right corner of the recessed screen I had to use my pinky finger to push it. The steering wheel spokes are too thick and lack the thumb grooves of better wheels, so if you’re paddle-shifting you’ll be using the “Leggo man” grip. Last is the glove box, which can only be opened by a touch-sensitive dot on the dash board. In my experience heat-sensitive buttons are unreliable. If any of you owned an LG Chocolate you will understand.
Those small issues aside, the cockpit of the XF is an excellent marriage of modern features and classic simplicity. Once you’ve set the stereo and air, all you see is smooth wood, soft leather, and beautiful aluminum. The seats are great and there’s plenty of room. At night there’s soft blue accent lighting-something I usually can’t stand-that lights the interior the way an artist would a sculpture. It’s a wonderful place to be, and leaves your mind empty to focus on the XF’s 3^rd great quality; driving.

This car drove exactly the way I hoped. It is one of the best full-size sedans I’ve driven. It shares it’s suspension with the XK coupe, so like Tom Brady’s kid, it’s got good genes. It takes corners flat enough, and wags it’s tail like a happy dog if you do it right. The steering and suspension work together to make the car feel much smaller than it is, giving you confidence whether you’re in a fast sweeper or slaloming the morning commute.

Hit the gas and the 385hp 5.0 Liter V8 makes an audible but appropriate roar, like a far off thunderstorm. It’s the perfect amount of noise for a luxury sedan. Although it’s 35hp down from the old 4.2 liter supercharged XF, with 380ft lbs of torque peaking at 3500RPM it’s only a tenth of a second slower to both 60mph (5.1 seconds) and in the ¼ mile (13.6 seconds). The power band is like Rachel Ray, wide and flat, so passing takes a mere thought. The only bad thing about this power plant was the fuel economy, which is a dismal 16mpg in the city and 23 on the highway. That’s actually better than a V8-equipped 5 series, but 2 wrongs don’t make a right.

The fun goes up when you move the aluminum hockey puck over to “S” mode. The car instantly downshifts (a small nuisance when you’re cruising on the highway.) and the shifting and throttle response feel like they’ve been slapped around and fed some meth. Activating both Sport and Dynamic mode had me forgetting my day job and giggling like a kid in a go kart. And despite having a simple 6 speed automatic, the paddles shift so fast you’ll swear you’re in something far more exotic. But on those days you just want to relax and leave it in “D”, the XF is docile and quiet, like a Lexus but without the neutering. As has been true with the rest of the car, the XF provides both the yin and the yang; naturally quiet and refined but capable of running with the best.

If you’re shopping for a car like this, your list probably goes: BMW 5 Series, Audi A6 4.2, E-Class and maybe an Infiniti. (I’ve excluded the Acura RL, because it’s too ugly.) They’re fine cars and they’ve been the top dogs for awhile, but that’s caused a problem: people are bored of them. I work in Beverly Hills, a refrigerator to the magnets known as luxury sedans. BMWs and Mercedes used to own this town, but the XF has made an impact. The XF out-numbers Audi and Infiniti handily. I can’t ever remember seeing this many jags on the road. I think people were drawn to the XF by it’s looks, and stayed for the ride. The other contenders are fine cars, but when I look at them I feel nothing. The Audi is like a homely astrophysicist, and as good as the BMW is it’s as visually stimulating as a triangle.

On the other hand the Jaguar XF Premium is exciting inside and out. It’s the Maxim model that also knows kick-boxing and calculus. For $57,000 it comes incredibly well-equipped. Ours only had 2 options; the 525-watt stereo ($1,800) and the Pewter paint ($1,000) which I could have done without. The NAV, leather, heated/cooled seats, etc are all gratis. It’s almost as fun as the it’s M5-fighting brother, the XF-R  and the deal only looks sweeter the longer you stare at a BMW options list. For less than a stock 550i you get a car that’s better looking, more exclusive and 95% as good to drive.

I would be remiss if I wrote this much about a Jaguar and didn’t bring up the subject of reliability. A quick Google turned up quite a few people with cars that were stuck in park, or had interior lights with “ghosts” turning them off and on, and a number of other issues. As cool as the motorized air vents and shifter that rises from the console, I wouldn’t bet on those lasting the life of the car. Cool usually means complicated, and “complicated reliability” is not a phrase I’ve ever heard.

It’s hard to say what to expect from a new XF. Tata Motors just bought Jaguar from Ford, and they’re currently building a new plant. So it’s a new-ish design being bolted together by new mechanics, and it honestly leaves me a little uneasy. But remember, German cars aren’t exactly known for worry-free ownership either, and when they break you have to put off retirement a little longer to afford the repairs. I think all the great cars in this segment come with some compromise. I’ll take a few headaches for a car that I love to drive and can’t stop staring at, your results may vary.

Think of it this way;  The BMW/Audi/Mercedes are Meryl Streep. We know she’s talented and famous but she hardly moves my Richter scale. The Jaguar XF is like Rachel McAdams in Mean Girls; beautiful, funny, but her longevity remains to be seen.

Put Him in Camp Bucca

While Iraq is often thought of an oppressive society that put it’s social progress on “pause” about 2000 years ago, their reality TV shows are 100% up to date, especially when it comes to pranks. Punk’d, move over. Jamie Kennedy Experiment? Forget it (you probably did after the pilot aired). Iraq has a TV prank that trumps them all.

The show is called, “Put Him in Camp Bucca.” It’s been on since the beginning of Ramadan, and has been criticized by newspapers for being too close to daily Iraqi life. In the show an innocent driver is “discovered” as being tied to terrorism and then told he is going to prison for life. Sometimes the security officers will even plant a fake grenade or weapon in the car. The “funny” part is watching the panic wash over the person’s face, and sometimes hearing them profess their innocence, pleading with the officers.

They say Britain has it’s own brand of humor, I guess this is the face of the emerging Iraqi comedy movement. Maybe next year they’ll rip-off Minute to Win It, but you have 1 minute to diffuse an IED?

Click to Watch (not in English)

It’s sad to say but after living in LA for more than a year, my brain has become a little jaded. AMGs are so common I’m  shocked if I see a “regular” Benz, trucks are less common than 997 Turbos and Bentley Continentals are basically expensive cockroaches.

However this car had me jump out in traffic and go completely out of my way to get closer to it. If you’ve ever driven in this city you know what it means to voluntarily extend your journey in traffic. (You might have the winning lottery ticket in your pocket but if the claim office isn’t on your way it’s not getting cashed in til tomorrow.) It’s called the SZR, built by Vision Industries LLC, a So Cal company that’s been around since 1997. Oh, underneath that traffic-cone paint is a Chevy 502 with 750hp. Perfect for rush hour, no?

When it came toward me the face looked a bit like an Aero SSC, but as soon as it passed I knew it was something else. I chased it down (well, it stopped for a light) and I pulled alongside. I heard the distinctive sound of a V8 when it downshifted, backed by a lopey cam. I’m surprised it didn’t crack the asphalt, considering the engine it’s packing.

Vision made a prototype back in 1998, and brought it to SEMA and the LA Auto Show. In 2005 they built their first working prototype, which had a 6.0 Liter V12. For the SEMA show in 2007, Vision lengthened the wheelbase, and swapped the V-12 for the V8.

Seeing a rumbling, raucous, bright orange super car amid a sea of slow-moving, mundane grey Prius (ooh you got the charcoal grey because it looks cooler? Guess what? So did everyone else, including my mom. Literally.) made me grin. Vision Industries is a So Cal based company, and 90% of the parts are sourced from American companies, with most of them being built in the So Cal area. It’s nice to see Dutch and Saudi billionaires aren’t the only ones building ridiculous hypercars these days.
This car reminded me what it feels like to see something special and unique. I wonder if he’ll let us do an episode with it…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wlbV-NPT56s&feature=player_embedded

This is yet another example of why meth and Eggos are a bad hangover cure. At 6:30AM on new Year’s day Melodi Dushane pulled up to a Toledo, OH McDonald’s and asked for an order of chicken nuggets. The employee informed her that they do not start serving nuggets until after 11am. Melodi seems to ask if they can make an exception, but making exeptions won’t get you moved up to manager, so the diligent employee says no-can-do.

Wrong answer mfer. Like William Wallace seeing a picture of the King tea-bagging his mother she attacks the employees.  The best part is after she gives up her quest, the next customer pulls up like nothing happened, and his food is promptly brought to him. Now that’s some dedication to your job.

If you are a regular reader of The Smoking Tire, then you probably know what this is a picture of. It’s Ford’s new 5.0 Liter V-8 that was so generously provided as the power-plant for the new 2011 Mustang GT. The phrase “5.0″ is to Ford fans what “18 year old quintuplets” is to Hugh Hefner.

Combined with it’s exceptional build quality, Ford’s return to it’s king of motors means the new Mustang GT is a winner. But maybe you can’t afford a brand new Mustang GT (we can’t). Well thanks to it’s crate engine program, Ford will let you take home your very own 5.0 “Coyote” engine for only $6,999.

For 1/4 of the price of the new GT, Ford will send you a present that will hurt the UPS man’s back and make your neighbors scowl at the inevitable noise. And just because you didn’t buy the whole car doesn’t mean Ford isn’t sending you the whole engine. Same part number, same power, same “aw gee, you didn’t have to do that” stock supercharger pulley. But with 412hp and 390 tq., it has more than enough pull to keep you happy (and your neighbors pissed) for at least 2 weeks.

Crate engines are a great way to get big and reliable power. I rebuilt a Pontiac V8 when I was 17. The engine worked fine, but I wouldn’t have relied on it to drive to Maine and back. This engine was built by some of the best minds in the V8 business, giving you piece of mind. And with a project car of any kind, that is a priceless (and often rare) thing to have.

The real question is; Who will be the first to stuff this into a Fox Body Mustang? It’s the same size, and if Ford used some grey matter, it should bolt right in. Finding a cheap one isn’t hard, especially if you look for one with a blown motor. Then just jump to Ford Racing Parts and swipe your plastic. Now your 15 year old Mustang has all the power, technology and reliability of the latest one. Use that excuse to convince your significant other it’s a practical expense.

Full Specs:

Ford Racing 5.0L 4V Mustang Crate Engine Stats:
Ford Racing’s new all-aluminum 5.0L Mustang crate engine is a modern 5.0L 32-valve DOHC V-8 that uses advanced features like Twin Independent Variable Camshaft Timing (Ti-VCT) to deliver 412+ horsepower @ 6500 rpm and 390 ft.-lb.+ of torque @ 4250 rpm (with premium fuel)

• 11.0:1 Compression ratio
• Lightweight aluminum cylinder block features cross-bolted main bearing caps and thick main bearing bulkheads for bottom-end strength
• Piston-cooling jets, optimized oil drainback and windage control improve high-rpm performance
• Deep sump oil pan with 8qt capacity
• Tuned composite intake manifold provides efficient air delivery and weight savings
• 80 mm single bore “drive by wire” throttlebody
• Four-valve-per-cylinder aluminum heads with roller-finger followers reduce friction
• Includes manual transmission engine harness and flywheel
• Vehicle harness and PCM not included
• Use our NEW wiring, PCM and installation kit M-6017-A504V designed for street rod/project car installation.
• Does not include alternator, for alternator kit see M-8600-M50ALT
• Engine mount bosses and bellhousing mount pattern common to 4.6L modular engines.
• Direct replacement for 2011 Mustangs with engine code BG-397-AA
• Photo and specs may vary. These features apply for engine code BG-397-AA. Engines are this build code or newer while supplies last.
• Engine weight: 444 lbs

There’s something about convertibles that make people feel glamorous, exclusive and special.

I don’t get it.

My feelings on Volvo and convertibles are similar: strong, passionate indifference. The term”open air motoring” makes me think of an old British man trundling down a road in the cold fog on wheels made of wood. There are exceptions of course, but for the cars with a roof made of metal.

It’s the same for Volvo. My family has owned 3, and while the 2 wagons (a ’91 940 and a 2008 V50) have provided perfectly acceptable transportation, that’s all they provided. The only one that makes me feel anything is my dad’s 1972 P1800ES, and that’s because every time you climb in you get to play “What part will stop working today?”

But when I picked up a 2011 Volvo C70 from Matt’s house it was clear Volvo was hell-bent on changing both of my preconceptions.

As a hard-top convertible it was offering the best of both worlds. Volvos were to cars what the Scranton Office of Dunder Mifflin is to the Empire State building and only one attracts tourists.  That’s starting to change.

Re-designed for 2011 and dressed in Flamenco Red with simple but handsome 5 spoke wheels, it’s a pretty good looking coupe. The nose has been upgraded with more aggressive headlights, helping distinguish this car from the front of the S40, V50 and C30 (A.K.A. cheaper models).

The new headlights bulge and curve back along the fender, like an angry over-caffeinated Camry. It’s no Alfa, but it’s an improvement from the 2010 nonetheless. Looking at those is actually a homeopathic remedy for insomnia. It doesn’t just make the C70 look sportier, it looks more expensive, and that’s never a bad thing. (Although the new badge seems to have been a design collaboration between Lil’ Jon and Austin Powers.

The competition in this market primarily comes from BMW and Infiniti, and with the new design the C70 holds its own. I think the design is more well-rounded than the BMW, and it doesn’t lose anything when the top is down either. Some convertibles only look good with the top down (or up), but I found the Volvo to be equally appealing roof up or down. After class one night I asked a few girls (late 20′s, early 30′s) and they all liked it, calling it cool but mature. “It’s a good-looking car and you know the owner of it isn’t trying too hard. It’s nice.”

Powering the C70 is a brilliant 2.5 liter inline 5 cylinder turbo. I love this engine. It only makes 227hp, but the 236ft lbs of torque comes on at only 1,500 RPM (read:torque steer) so from a stop this mature-mobile moves. It yanks you forward with a deep thrum and the long gears of the 5 speed automatic make it a really practical power-train for both city and highway use, while providing us with a combined 26mpg. The thrust slows eventually, but the owners of this car aren’t the kind to complain about a power-band that falls off at 90mph, and triple-digit speeds are still plenty accessible.

Inside is the same story as the exterior: hardly flashy but very nice nonetheless. One thing Volvo does well is functionality, so all the buttons are clearly marked and where you’d expect. The different textures and colors look good next to one another and there’s plenty of stowage.

It’s also filled with freebies. Volvo said that although the 2011 is only $40 more than the outgoing model, it has $4000 in upgrades. Among the standard features are leather, SAT radio, 8 way automatic seats and BlueTooth compatibility.

Rear seat room is good, as long as you’re not sitting behind Matt and with the top up the trunk is on par with many sedans, making it an all around good traveler. Just don’t expect to do a sun-filled road trip, because although the Volvo’s top-down trunk space beats the fanny-pack sized area of the G37, it’s still on par with the carry-on space you get on a plane.

Our car also had Volvo’s BLIS (BLind spot Information System), which uses sensors mounted under the side mirrors to alert you when a car is in your blind spot. It works fine, but I wish it alerted you a little earlier. My concern is people will assume that unless the warning light is illuminated they’re free to change lanes, and while you wouldn’t hit the car next to you, you’d come close to polishing their license plate. It’s not a substitute for driver awareness.

As nicely appointed as it is, there’s room to improve.  While those nice complimentary leather seats were comfortable, don’t depend on them keeping you in place, my toilet has more lateral support. Some of the plastic look dated and cheap, the gauges get lost in a sea of black plastic, and the screen in the center stack is tiny. Size matters here because this screen provides you with all the information from the phone, HVAC, stereo and car settings and due to it’s TI-82 sized display it can only show one thing at a time. That won’t be an issue when the top is down though, because the glare makes it hard to ready anyway.

But the winner is still the SAT/NAV, i.e. total garbage. You can only navigate it with a remote, slowing the use of the already over-complicated system further. And in a car made by people so focused on safety they probably wear life jackets on a Slip-and-Slide, I can’t think of anything more accident prone than giving people a remote to look for as they get lost.

Volvo said they essentially added $4000 of upgrades for free, so the cost-cutting had to happen somewhere. For example the old center stack was made from solid aluminum, but has been replaced with a piece of plastic covered by some shiny plastic. It looks good new, but I doubt it will hold up over time.

This is probably because the topic of lateral G’s falls far down the list of a Volvo production meeting. Although the suspension is tight and body roll isn’t atrocious, it’s turn-in leaves a lot to be desired. You know when the UPS man knocks on your door at 8am and you get up, get dressed, and stumble to the door? That’s the C70. You ask it to turn now, but it needs a minute.

You’d think that would mean it drives like a boat floating on pudding, but it doesn’t. It’s a strange no man’s land. The firm springs that keep it from wallowing around corners mean every ridge, bump and crack is sent through the chassis, gently rattling my grey matter. It wasn’t loud or jarring, but every change in pavement was felt and announced with a very muffled but noticeable sound. Imagine your neighbor has a garage band, but they “sound proof” the garage with egg cartons. You don’t hear each note clearly, but you know when they play.

There’s a simple way to get rid of those muffled screams from the chassis though; put the top down and let the noise escape. Raising and lowering the top in the C70 is pretty simple: put the car in park, depress the brake and push down a little plastic button. 29.4 riveting seconds later and the clam-shell trunk closes with a *whump*, the windows roll themselves up, and you’re done. In my 3 days with the car I noticed only 1 real annoyance: You can’t raise or lower the top while in Drive.

It doesn’t matter if you’re going 2mph and surrounded by EMTs, it won’t let you. I found this very annoying one day after putting the top down and getting stuck in traffic on the 405. Knowing it takes a full 30 seconds to raise the top, I was forced to sweat it out for an hour. Volvo would say it’s for safety reasons, but I  point to that stupid NAV remote and ask that they fix this.

Once it’s all said and done though, it’s almost as comfortable as when the roof is in place. The cabin is relatively wind-free up to about 75mph, and the stereo (USB and aux. jack come standard) overcame road and traffic noise with clarity and ease. Apparently Volvo built its heater system out of wind-tunnel fans and molten lava, so you could drive with the top down all year, even in Minnesota. Just as it does aesthetically-save for cargo space-the car loses nothing when the top is stowed.

The G37 and 328i, both start at $45k. From a performance standpoint the G37 has the better drive-train, and the Bimmer handles better, but for a price. A 328i with just BlueTooth, heated seats and NAV will set you back 50 grand, and that’s with ugly wheels, leatherette seats and a standard stereo. Get drawn into all the pretty option boxes and you can easily spend $60,000. It might rive better, but it’s not as pretty as the coupe or (for the money) as well-equipped as the Volvo.

Climbing in for my last drive I paused to consider whether I should drive with the top up or down. And that’s the key. They give you options. Sure it’s not going to handle as well as a true coupe, but most people don’t care about lateral grip so they basically get two cars in one.  And unlike soft-tops (which generally look terrible with their tops up) you don’t have to compromise on noise, looks, safety or security.

Volvo’s best cars, like the S60R, are like B+ students, always somewhere in the middle but nonetheless very good. And just because a B+ student doesn’t command the highest salary, doesn’t mean they’re not capable of some very good work.

For what it is, the 2011  C70 is fine. It’s MSRP is $39,950, and it comes with more features than it’s competitors from BMW or Infiniti. Our car had the Dynamic Package, Multimedia Package and Convenience Package, raising it’s price to $46,650.  It’s not super-fast, and it doesn’t handle like sports car. It’s not supposed to. It’s a Volvo.

But it’s also… a Volvo. That means it comes with a stigma; it’s boring and thus, you’re boring. That’d be ok if we were talking about simply “a car” but we’re not. We’re talking about a convertible, and those are supposed to be exciting. Without that, what’s the point? The people shopping for convertibles are looking for something specific, and are willing to pay for it. Convertible people buy fun cars, Volvo people buy the C70.

The Smoking Tire hits the Mailbu canyons for one last hurrah with our Shelby GT500, and we brought along our closest competitor: the Classic Design Concepts/Exxodus Pictures “Firebreather,” a 600-horsepower Firebird-converted Chevy Camaro.

Today, in 9 cities across America simultaneously, Ford unveiled their long-awaited 2011 Ford Explorer. As you all know, the current-generation Explorer was once Ford’s top seller, and the recent success of the Flex and Edge hasn’t helped the poor, aging Explorer’s sales numbers much, in part because people are waiting for the new Explorer. Ford’s CEO of the Americas, Mark Fields, was on-hand to give the initial presentation (sans-Teleprompter this time), and the covers were pulled off Ford’s latest design.

Well, good news, as the new Explorer promises to deliver more of what people want, with less of what they don’t. Here’s what we know:

- There are 2 available engines: The “base” 3.5L V6 and an optional 2.0L Ecoboost I-4. The 4-cylinder makes more power and torque than the outgoing six, and a wider torque-band than the old V8 as well. The 4-cylinder also promises class-leading fuel economy, including highway mileage in the high 20′s, though no exact numbers have been specified.

- MyFordTouch will be standard in XLT and Limited trim

- The new Explorer will continue to have have seating for 7

- Since most people don’t know how to operate low-range gearing properly, Ford has replaced the “4×4 High/Low” settings with a single knob that has pictures of different types of terrain. Simply select pavement, mud, sand, or snow, and the computer will sort out the rest.

- The build quality of the model shown today looks excellent. Soft rubber dash foam is everywhere you would touch, and the seats, steering wheel, shifter, and door pulls are made of high-quality leather.

- The new Fob, now completely keyless, is a slick design that will fit nicely in the driver’s pocket and never has to leave.

- Rear seat room is ample, I sat in the back seat with the front set for a tall driver, and I fit just fine.

Hit the jump for a mega-gallery of high-res shots of the new 2011 Explorer, and check out Derek D’s coverage of the East-Coast launch event over at Fast Lane Daily

2010 Bullrun: Day 4 Omaha – Boulder

It’s day 4 of the Bullrun Rally. Tom takes the wheel first, hoping to continue the good fortune and success of the previous leg. The Maserati shows off it’s Bond-like gadgets, and an old friend surprises us by joining the Bullrun mid-way. You’ll understand when you see who it is.

The question that Matt mentioned- “What is your favorite car?” – is, for me, an all-too-common source of headaches. As soon as you tell someone you love cars, read about cars, or write about cars, you can safely bet your own genitals the next sentence from their mouth is that question.

And it’s something I honestly cannot answer, because “Favorite” is singular, and if you love cars you don’t just love one car, or one kind, or one brand. There’s too many variables to consider, and every car – even those in the same category- is different. It’s like asking, “What’s your favorite memory?” Try to compare and rank losing your virginity to an amazing day in Italy, or that afternoon building a deck with you dad. Like memories, cars vary in their feel and purpose.

Thank god the TST dream garage is like the human brain, lot’s of storage space. Because what I would park next to the brilliant technological beauty that is the MacLaren F1 LM is the 1966 Shelby Cobra 427 S/C.

The story of the cobra is long, but the goal was to build enough street cars to receive homologation from the FIA. Carroll built 53, the FIA needed 100. The dream was over. So where’d the cars go? 21 were sold to race teams for competition, and the remaining 34 had windshields bolted on, paint applied and rolled out for public sale, dubbed the Semi-competition (S/C).

Talk about profiting from the misfortune of others (Like credit card companies, but without the black heart and eye herpes). The public was presented with a 2400lb car that had the now-famous Ford 427 cu. in. side-oiler. It had 485 rib-jarring horsepower, and the car weighed 500 lbs less than it’s rival, the Corvette. No matter what trim Cobra you got in, it was probably the fastest car in your metro area and even 45 years later it hasn’t fallen that far down the ladder.

60 went past in ~4.5 seconds and it would shake the 1/4 mile marker in 12 flat. But the real test of this car’s brutal power was in the 0-100-0 test. A 1966 Shelby Cobra 427 S/C went from dead stopped to 100mph and back to 0 in only 13.2 seconds; a record that stood for 26 years until the Caterham Seven JPE came along in 1991.

Impressive as they are, it’s about more than the numbers. The shape is classic curvaceous goodness. The fenders are huge, book-ending giant side-pipes, creating a shape that is both beautiful and powerful. It balances beauty and brawn better than any car I can think of. The interior is classic British sports car. Plain round gauges, a wooden wheel, and low bucket seats.

I have never driven a 427 S/C, but I have had the joy of driving a fine replica on numerous occasions. It should be the definition for “internal combustion engine” because that’s basically all it is. Manual steering and brakes, no roof, and a body so thin and light it may as well be made out fog. The car shakes, darts, jumps, guzzles gas and exhales clouds so rich with minerals and gasoline you could probably run another car on the fumes. The steering is heavy, the long-handle shifter is weird, deadly snap over-steer(click for video) is ever-present and the weight distribution is akin to Dolly Parton.

But you just won’t care. From the moment I see the car and feel the keys in my hand, I start smiling, and I don’t stop until days after the ringing in my ears has subsided. It’s the only convertible I happily stare at, is visceral as anything, has racing heritage, it’s faster than hell, and it’s an icon. I’ve never had more fun behind the wheel of anything else.

Zack K
Full specs here.Cobra Acceleration

Competition Cobras

When the Bizarre Road Sightings began, I felt a little left out. In a city filled with morons, douche bags, crazies, pill-addicted housewives and more “artists” than Xanax prescriptions I had missed out. Matt saw Santa Claus being pulled by a plastic horse with a smoke-stack spine for god’s sake. W.T.F mate?

But out of 143 items there were a few pictures that I had saved for a reason. You don’t take a picture of a Mitsubishi Galant that has had it’s letter re-arranged for nothing.

Yesterday I was trying to find a picture on my phone, and realized it had 143 items in it. “143? What the hell is on here? I have to delete this crap.” I assumed it was the usual array of poorly photographed cars, family, friends and 98 other images of BS that may have been funny or cool at one time, but now were useless. I realized I am basically a dog when it comes to cell phone pictures; “Wow that’s cool! I have to cherish it forever! Hey, look over there there’s a shiny thing! What we’re going where? Ok I wasn’t busy anyway…whoa what’s that!?”

Scroll down to see what the brilliant people of L.A. think is so clever, funny or important that they make it a permanent part of their automobile for all the world to see. It’s a wonder anyone gets laid in this townl…

Yes, you’re reading that right. This brilliant sedan known to the commoner as a Galant, has been pimped a bit. With clever use of  thumbnail or perhaps a razor, this driver has transformed his car into a both a female repellent and magnet. While 90% of women will be offended, burn the image of the driver in their memory and cross the 405 on foot to avoid him/her, 10% of those that see this will be so enraged they’ll probably get out of their car and attempt to kill him/her. So either the driver of this car just plain hates women, or they’ve gotten tired of searching the world for the perfect, enraged, confrontational, physically and verbally abusive woman to settle down and build a bitter and misogynistic family with.

Whenever I’ve owned a crappy or boring car, I admit it. In my entire time owning my Jetta, I never saw another guy driving the same model. My last car was  a 1997 Honda Civic, and Jamie Lee Curtis’s bonus Y chromosome has more balls.  But I admitted to both offenses. This guy bought a Chevy HHR, a horrible attempt at replicating 50′s hot rods, and then decided to not only remind us all what he’s driving (in case the badge falls off?) but that he is in a loving, committed relationship with it. This guy could probably catch his wife cheating on him, and then tattoo her name on forehead and re-new his vows.

You know when you’re a kid and you ask your dad, “Dad, can we get a go kart?” and he replies, “I’ve got a better idea, son, why don’t we build our own go kart! Won’t that be fun?”  It’s fun if your dad is a chassis engineer, but if he is you probably had a go kart when you exited the womb. Owning a plane is fun, but building one out of paper seems a little risky, just look at that Wright Brother.

Am I too close to those cans? I think I'm too close.

When the SMART Car showed up, one of the only cool things I saw was 2 of them parked in 1 parking spot. Sweet, a space saver. Whoever owns this car just plain sucks. People in LA eat up up valuable parking space everyday with moves like this, but it’s usually a new BMW 7 series they’re protective of, or at the very least a full-sized car. There is no excuse for this. Kill your sperm, donate all your ovaries, we do not need you.

There’s not many ways to make a post-69 Impala cool, so clever is the next best thing. Extra points if this guy is a porn-star.

Softball is fun. It’s baseball without the pressure, the strike outs, or the sobriety. But that does not mean you advertise that you play it the same way Hugh Hefner would put, “BNYFCKR” on his limo. Can you imagine anyone pulling up next to this guy and saying, “Oh man! You get to play softball?! With the bases and the big ball and the underhand? For reals? Holy shit that’s so cool, I wish I could do that.” Well if you have a phone and the ability to read the words “Public Softball League”, you can. What’s next, a plate that says, “FOODETR”? Because that’s how exclusive soft-ball is.

You stay classy Los Angeles.

Every show needs a camera car, right? Well here it is, Matt’s new Ford SVT Raptor 6.2L. Back on the old show, Matt said that his next car purchase would be a Ford SVT Raptor. True to his word, the new 6.2L beast is now at its permanent home here at The Smoking Tire HQ. Expect the truck to appear on video soon…. Initial impressions and photo gallery after the jump.

Initial impressions:

- The 6.2L , 411 hp/ 434 tq engine has tons more power and torque than the 5.4L does. I got a ride in one back in January and didn’t notice much as a passenger, but as a driver, you can really feel the lower torque band working around town

- The re-calibrated transmission is worlds better than before. It doesn’t hunt for gears as much, and allows for some in-gear acceleration before kicking down a gear to pass. The extra torque really helps with this too.

- The truck is deceptively quick. It doesn’t feel fast while driving it because of the very high driving position, but 90 feels like 45, and 35 feels like crawling. This is also partly to do with the great suspension.

- The newest version of SYNC is fantastic. The voice-recognition is spot-on and reaffirms our position that this is the best multimedia system available in any production car.

We will keep you posted in our “Raptor Diaries” as we put some real miles on this bad-boy. For now, enjoy the photos!

Have you ever heard of a Toyota Starlet? If yes, you’re knowledge of cars imported to the US when I was a 2 year old trounces my own, for which you win this pretty rock. If not, don’t feel bad. The Starlet was a small hatch-back produced by Toyota from 1973 to 1999, but it (specifically the 60 Series) was only sold in America from 1981 to 1983. I had a 5 speed manual transmission, a selection of 3 tiny motors (1.0L, 1.2L and 1.3L), and it had RWD. It was replaced by the Corolla in 1985, but this is basically the predecessor to the AE86.

And there’s one for sale, a 1981 complete with a crazy wide-body kit, for only $3700.

As I searched around the web, I didn’t feel that bad for not knowing what this car was. There’s only a handful of videos on it, most from other countries, and the forum supply is paltry. I did find a video(click) on streetfire of a Mr. Orido driving a JIN-built Starlet in a drift event in Japan. And I thought the short wheelbase of an AE86 looked a bit odd sideways. This car looks as tall as it is long, almost like a Mini.

As small as it is, if you are shopping for something unique and fun, this could be the car for you-emphasis on unique, Hell, it’s a hatch-back so you could even call it practical. And it has Recaros, so you can tell people it has the same seats (and fenders, ha) as a Porsche GT3 RS.

Click to see the ad.

This week, we wanted to try something new. This is the internets after all, and that means we’re interactive. So, why not an interactive car review. A few days ago, I posed the question: What do you want to know about the E550 Coupe? We had many responses, and over the course of the last week I’ve put several hundred miles on this car to get some answers for you. If your specific question isn’t addressed, feel free to leave a comment and I’ll answer as best I can.

1) Even though it’s a coupe, it seems like the kind of car a female real estate agent would drive. Does it feel different in person?

Only a very stupid real estate agent would buy a car that doesn’t have rear doors. The last-generation CLK was a very feminine car, and the new E550 is much more masculine, from the aggressive stance to the sound of the engine. Plus, the steering is very heavy at low speeds, and almost too light at high speeds. I think many women would find that to be a deal breaker. The E350 coupe would make a great wife’s car, but the driving experience of the 550 will probably appeal much more to men.

2) Mercs are known for their lack of feedback and horrid electronic nannies. How does the E550 feel?

It feels very similar to the Audi S5 in that regard. This isn’t a car meant for hooning about an autocross course or entering a Togue, it’s a fast luxury coupe, capable of eating up highway miles in high-speed comfort. The steering, as I said, is heavy, but direct, and traction control can be completely disabled if you want to impress girls with your donut ability. Unfortunately, there isn’t a setting in between “stop me if I start going fast” and “DORIFTO!”

3) Does the car roll in the bends?

No, the E550 corners very flat, especially in sport mode. It’s not the best handler I’ve driven, the Audi S5 would eat it for lunch in the twisties, but its electronically controlled, independent suspension gives good feedback and you know immediately where the limit is. It’s much more Dodge Challenger than BMW M3 though.

4) Does it attract the ladies?

Yes, it definitely does. There’s no question about it, this is a great looking car, and the Quartz Blue Metallic ($750) of my tester is a great break from the silver/black/white that we’re all too used to. It gets looks everywhere I go, from men and women, especially with all the windows down. It really does look the part, and the styling is universally liked by everyone I’ve spoken to.

5) How’s the reliability?

That’s very tough to say, I only had the car for a week. But during that week, nothing broke, which is more than I can say for some of the other cars I’ve tested.

6) What does it weigh? What’s the 1/4 mile time?

The E550 weighs 3783 lbs, and with its 382 hp V8, will hit sixty in five seconds flat. It can run the quarter mile in 13.3 seconds at 108 mph.

7) Does one feel like a well-heeled Grandfather whilst piloting an E class?

Not at all. The E-coupe is stylish, fast, comfortable, and full of gadgets. This is much more suitable as a car for a Lawyer who just made partner than for a Grandfather celebrating his retirement. I’d imagine a Grandfather would crash while trying to adjust the radio station using the non-intuitive COMMAND system.

Is it easier to get in your driveway than your ‘vette?

Yes, the ramps don’t have to come out, and the E550 will clear my awful driveway no problem, as long as you approach from between a 47 and 53 degree angle.

9) Would you rather have had this for the road trip you did in the Ram?

I did that drive at or near V/Max in the Ram, and made it to San Francisco in under 5 hours. If I had the E550 for that drive, I would have certainly ended up in jail. However, I would still take the Ram for a very long drive because the Ram’s seats are like barca loungers, whereas the seats in the Merc’ are more sport-oriented, possibly too much so given what the car is actually capable of. I actually think the seats, beautifully sculpted as they are, leave something to be desired in terms of long-term comfort and lack of shoulder support. The S5 wins the seat award in this category. Speaking of seats, the E550 is a true 4-seater, unlike some other coupes, and can transport 4 adults comfortably for some distance. The driver’s seat, however, didn’t feel screwed down tightly in my 7,000 mile test vehicle, and rocked a bit under hard braking.

10) How are the brakes?

In a word: touchy. They are well-suited to this car, and the kind of driving you’ll probably be doing if you buy one, but at slow speeds it doesn’t take much pressure on the pedal to really stop the E550 short. Come to think of it, both the accelerator and brake pedals in this car are very, very sensitive to even the smallest movements. In ‘sport’ mode, over a bumpy road, I experienced a bucking similar to a bad clutch drop when the bumpiness of the road wobbled my foot on the pedal.  The brakes also come with the requisite “German dust” that turns the front wheels black after an hour or two in the canyons.

11) On a scale of 1-11, how embarrassed do you feel to be driving that car?

Not embarassed at all. It’s quite pimp, actually, and I get nods and smiles of approval everywhere. But my girlfriend hates the color, and called it “Camry-ish”

13)  Does it have a dipstick?

No, and I couldn’t find a menu in the COMMAND system to check the oil level either. I guess either the car tells you it’s low, or you just leave as is and take it in for recommended service at the dealer. No matter, I don’t know a single Mercedes owner who does their own maintenance.

14) Would like to know what the radar cruise is like to use in the real world. (does it have that feature or is that S class exclusive?)

Nope, no radar cruise control. I’ve used it on other cars (Infiniti QX56), and it works as advertised, except if you’re trying to make a pass, the radar cruise doesn’t know it, so it won’t accelerate back to the set speed unless you’re all the way in the next lane. I used it on a long drive and didn’t touch a pedal for 180 miles.

15) How does the steering wheel padding feel while you tap it with your hands? Is it just like hitting a nice booty, or more like the feel of slapping a cardboard box?

The E500 has one of the best steering wheels I’ve ever used. The leather is great and in all the right places, its very attractive to look at, and has paddles in the correct orientation (right, up. left, down).

16) Does it make the owner of that C230 parked across the street jealous?

Yeah, and it makes last-generation CLK owners jealous too. The old CLK was more of a C-class coupe than an E-class coupe, in both parts sharing and overall styling and performance. The new E-coupe shares components with both the C-class and E-class, but it looks, feels, and performs like an E-class, not a C. In fact, it performs better than the E550 sedan, no doubt due to the coupe’s 400 lb weight advantage.

17) A car like this should be quiet inside. How does it compare to just regular cars in db?

I don’t have a sound measuring device handy, but with the windows closed up, the E-coupe is as quiet as you could ever want a car to be, as long as your foot isn’t on the gas. But if you get on it, that’s a different story entirely. While everyone is busy talking about how good the AMG “63″ engine sounds, the best kept secret in motoring is the 550 engine. It sounds like a 1970 428 Hemi Cuda at a full clip, makes a great burble at idle, and will send shivers down your spine at 7,000 RPM in a tunnel. I would LOVE to find a wrecked Benzo and stick one of those engines into a hot-rod.

18) I frankly don’t care if any sane person would do it. I know that if I bought one I would. Take it to the track. Its a coupe. Is it really a sports lux, or is it just a poser. Does my Audi need to be worried when pulling up next to one, or will I be giggling like a school girl as I smoke the crap out of it?

If we’re talking stoplight drag racing here, the E550 will put the hurt on the S5 for sure. If you’re considering running the E550 at a road course, I’d urge you to choose another car. This car isn’t set up for track duty. Dragstrip, maybe, but certainly not road course. The brakes are fine for street driving, but I would bet the pads don’t last 10 laps around a track, and they are pricey to replace. Manual mode on the 7-speed transmission works well enough for canyon carving, but doesn’t shift as quick or crisply as the S5 does on the track. Sport luxury coupe? Definitely. Track star? No way, Jose.

19) Will it drift?

Yes, very easily. But only with the traction control off, in sport-manual mode. I’m no Tanner Foust, but disabling the traction control on the E550 turns it into a sideways, tire-shredding machine.

20) How many “gizmos-you-don’t-need” is this car equipped ?

Surprisingly few, actually. There’s the requisite navigation with backup camera, satellite radio, heated power seats, rear window shade, panoramic roof, etc, but beyond that, I saw very little in the way of extraneous, useless options. If there are any available, our test vehicle was not so equipped.

21) Do you think that the new E coupe will be able to compete with the new BMW on a performance and aesthetic front knowing how the current 5 series performs and looks?

I think a better comparison would be to the current generation 6-series BMW’s. Those cars, unfortunately, have become outclassed in the 5 years of production, and the E-coupe is no exception. Styling alone would have me buying one over a 650i any day. Now, when the new 6-series comes out with the twin-turbo V8, we can re-visit this discussion, but until then, yes, the E550 Coupe is better than the BMW 650i.

22) Is there enough room for sexy time? Or did Mercedes drop the ball and forget about the average E55 owners favorite after happy our activity?

The rear seats are not a bench, they are two separate seats with a console in between, so if you want to have vehicular sexy time, you should probably go for the sedan. Better yet, an 80′s van with flames painted on it.

23) Hows the sound system, yes you can hear Master of Puppets, but can you feel it?

The average Mercedes customer isn’t going to be entering any loud stereo contests or bumping tons of bass through the system, but the Harmon / Kardon stereo with Logic7 sounds fantastic. Very crisp, even at high volume, and although there isn’t the kind of bass you’d expect from a couple of JL Audio W7′s in the trunk, it’s more than enough to do Metallica justice, even with the windows down on the highway.

24) What’s the douche factor in driving this car?

That, good sir, depends entirely on how you drive it. If you drive it responsibly, the douche factor is very low. Almost everyone agrees that the E550 is a great looking car, and I didn’t get any “douchey” looks while driving it. However, if you drive aggressively, weaving and on a cell phone, people will think you’re an over-entitled jackass that thinks he owns the road, and you have made yourself a douche.

Now that I’ve answered the majority of your questions, I have some thoughts of my own. First of all, I love how this car looks, especially with the windows down. The lack of a B-pillar goes such a long way when styling a car, and driving it with the windows down gives a very open-air feeling, even in the back seat. From the outside, the S5 still looks better, but it’s hard to argue with the open-air design of the E-coupe.

I don’t like 7-speed gearboxes. In ‘comfort’ mode, the car always wants to shift up to save fuel, and if you need to mash the gas quickly, the car will do at least 2, maybe 3 downshifts before it goes anywhere. In ‘sport’ mode, it drives as a 6-speed and holds gears longer, eliminating this problem.

However, ‘sport’mode makes the suspension very stiff, and in all the wrong ways. Los Angeles freeways, for instance, are unbearable in ‘sport’ mode, but the engine is lazy in ‘comfort’ mode. I really wish you could adjust the suspension independently from the engine, but they are connected, and neither mode ever seems ideal.

The 400lb Gorilla in the room, though, isn’t actually the Mercedes itself. And it’s not the Audi S5 or BMW 650i either. It’s actually the 2011 Mustang GT. The Mustang is faster, more efficient, more comfortable, and comes with more equipment for more than $20,000 less. The dash is made of the same material. The fit and finish is just as good. It has different driving modes if you want to go to the track, different rear end options, big brake options, and, lets not forget, it comes in stick. In fact, the only reason I can think of to buy an E550 coupe over a Mustang GT is that, either you need more rear seat room, or you simply refuse to buy an American car.

The E550 coupe is a very good car, and certainly a step in the right direction for Mercedes, but for $62,945, I need to be wowed, and compared to the better-value Mustang and the better-looking, more fun to drive Audi S5, I just couldn’t justify buying one.

I’d like to thank everyone for their input with this piece, and I’m pretty sure I’ve said everything there is to say. But, if I missed something or you have any other questions, feel free to comment. Also, what do we think of this style of review, with the questions and all? Keep it, or go back to the normal “I say whatever the hell I want” style?

If this lovely Italian number left you in the precarious condition that Jeremy Clarkson describes as “nursing a semi,” then you can go ahead and thank Wunibald Kamm for that. The German engineer and aerodynamicist experimented with air resistance and discovered that by cutting off the tail abruptly, there would be less turbulence behind the vehicle, leading to greater stability at high speeds. And eschewing the dramatic French teardrops of Talbot and Delahaye, the Kamm-tail could bring fuel-saving aerodynamics in a practical package that isn’t stuffed with 18 feet of delicately fragile wheel covers. Which is why the AMC Gremlin exists.

But for every Gremlin X there’s a Ferrari 250GT Drogo. And for every dreary Prius toiling under W. Kamm’s drag-coefficient statistics, there’s the Alfa Romeo TZ3 Corsa with its lovely breadvan profile and full-blooded racing intention. Celebrating 100 years of Alfa Romeo racing heritage, the Corsa boasts the same Maserati-sourced V8 as the 8C Competizione, but the similarities with that equally gorgeous car end there. Instead of a mushy grand tourer, the Corsa is a full-fledged racecar, with a carbon fiber chassis, tubular frame and that beautiful lightweight aluminum body, directly drawing inspiration from the Giulia TZ2 of 1965 and the aforementioned Drogo.

Yes, coachbuilder Zagato says, it IS a race car, dammit! It’s a gentleman’s racer, and said gentleman is German collector Martin Kapp, who has a few other impossibly rare Zagatos to his name already. We will try to hide our envious contempt and will act politely when we ring him up for a test drive and to crash at his place. Have our people talk to his people. Let’s get things rolling here, guys.

— Blake Rong

[For a live gallery of its unveiling at the Villa D'Este concours: OmniAuto.it, Autoblog]

We always dream about what we’d do if we had- as Patton Oswalt calls it- “F*** you money.” Basically enough money to do whatever you want. So what if you have a boat load of cabbage and you love old muscle cars? You might be thinking, “Drop a built, blue-printed 502 Crate motor in it good for 650hp and cruise the block until exhaust causes a tsunami.”

Boring. How about 2000hp….

…in the trunk?

This is the year 2010. We have Roombas, the iTampex, and computers that can print 3D objects. No, to build a modern-but-classic Pontiac GTO you need to do what NFL superstar Travis LaBoy is doing. With the help of Nelson Racing Engines, he is building a 1967 Pontiac GTO and putting a 2000hp, twin-turbo big block in the back (click for an example). It’s a mid-engined muscle car, with AWD and the power of two Veyrons, AKA the car that God himself takes to a hot rod show. Sure AWD is a little sacrilegious in a GTO (ok, very) but with all that power I doubt burnouts will a problem. Watch the video to see the amazing work NRE is doing using the best CAD technology around. Read the Press Release.

NRE AWD GTO

Americans shy away from wagons like they are the smelly kid at school. “Too bad it’s a wagon.” is the same as, “He’s cool but he smells.” Wagons were around long before the SUV showed up, and then watched as Americans scooped them up by the dozens and took them home to a nice warm garage, leaving the wagon outside in the cold thinking, “But I can carry all that stuff, and I’m more fun to drive.”

We passed wagons by when SUVs showed up, and now the “crossover” has come along to try and steal the much-deserved thunder again. Not on my watch. Make the jump for my review of the brilliant 2010 Audi A4 2.0 TFSI Avant.

The American disdain for the wagon is something I do not understand. Perhaps it’s because when I was 12, a family friend owned a 1955 Chevy Nomad Wagon. It had a healthy (and loud) 350 under the hood, a great stance, 5 spokes and a gorgeous baby blue/white paint job. I just saw it as another sweet hot rod, not a wagon.

That attitude has stuck with me. You will never hear me say, “It’s a good car, too bad it’s a wagon.” In fact, looks aside, if two cars drive identically I would prefer the wagon. It has more space, more versatility and gives you more options. If you want to drive 3 friends to the beach, and bring your German Shepherd with you, you can. In a sedan, your friends would have to ride in the trunk. (YOU try telling that dog to get in the trunk.)

So when Matt gave me the keys for the 2010 Audi A4 Avant in the driveway, I approached it not with the common attitude of, “I’ll just leave my testicles at home.” but with the excitement that comes from knowing 1. Audi cars are generally a pleasure to drive. and 2. “Wagon” does not have to mean “boring.” If you don’t believe me go for a ride in an RS6, and call me after they pull your tongue out of your throat.

They say the eyes are the window to the soul, and it’s true here. The headlights on this car look like those of hawk; intimidating and completely focused on their target, even when sitting still. Audi has been doing a wonderful job of balancing smooth lines and sharp edges, resulting in refined aggression. The Avant is a perfect example. The nose is familiar Audi, with a slight freshening on the fascia that moves closer to the RS4′s face without causing confusion between the two. All the lines of the headlights, lip, and LEDs flow toward the large, black grill and the 4 rings. It’s not as in-your-face as the Lancer’s shark face, but it’s far from mundane.

The profile brings us back to the subtle athleticism. Gone are the days of flat-backed wagons that looked like a sedan with a fish tank sitting on the trunk. The long nose and laid-back windshield make it look low and slippery. From there there’s a constant drop to the D pillar, where the car slopes quickly but smoothly to the bumper. The shape alone makes the car look like its only mission is flowing through the Autobahn like a torpedo.

It also drives like it was made for the Autobahn. It only has a 2.0 liter, 4 cylinder engine but with Audi’s TFSI fuel system and a healthy turbo charger it makes 211hp and a respectable 258 ft lbs of torque at only 1500 RPM. That kind of grunt makes this feel much faster around town than the 0-60 time of 6.3 seconds sounds. With fast spool-up and great throttle response, this car feels much smaller and more nimble in LA traffic than I thought possible. The acceleration dwindles at higher speeds, but I never felt bored and I doubt most customers will complain. Unfortunately, the engine has far less bark than it does bite. Windows up or down, you barely hear more than muffled intake. I appreciate a quiet car, but this was quieter than Pamela Anderson was with Kid Rock. I’d like the exhaust note to be a little more like Tommy Lee.

Aiding the runabout is the Tiptronic transmission. In automatic mode the system works perfectly. It selects the highest gear possible, enabling the A4 to get  21/27mpg city/highway. I did, however, encounter a problem; this automatic is easily confused. As I was gently accelerating it tried to move from 2nd into a higher gear, but at the same moment I pressed the gas a little more. I wasn’t trying to confused the system, I just wanted to go a bit faster. This confused the transmission, leaving me in a weird form of neutral. More gas did nothing, but neither did lifting. After a few seconds the car picked a gear, but had I been turning across traffic I would have been at minimum peeved, at worst, dead. I’ll gladly take a small hit on gas mileage to ensure the car continues forward motion. Call me old fashioned, I like my car to do that.

But no matter, because it’s more fun (and apparently safer) to pick the gears yourself.  Our car came with the $1450 Sport Package, which meant along with 18 inch wheels and a better steering wheel it had shift paddles. Click it over to Sport mode and your fingertip’s wish is the car’s command. Drop a few gears and mash the throttle and the car pulls forward with smooth determination. I felt like the conductor of a high-speed train, so smooth and drama-free was the acceleration, that only a look to the speedometer clued me in to my actual speed.

Even better than the engine is the handling. The car corners flat except when at the extreme limit, which is no surprise considering this car can attain an incredible .92g on a skid pad. That is well above it’s competition from Volvo or BMW. Audi is really hitting it’s stride in handling dynamics. The 3,850lb Avant is no 9 year old Chinese gymnast (oh sorry, 16, right.) but it feels like a lighter car. Directional changes happen as fast as you can turn the wheel, and the Quattro system provides complete confidence.

Inside you’re in the intuitive and brilliant cocoon that has become Audi’s forte. Audi makes the best interiors in the business, and I’d be tired of saying it if I didn’t like them so damn much. Almost all the materials in the cabin are top-notch, or at least look it. The balance of black rubber, leather and quality plastic contrasting with bright aluminum is great. In between the tach and speedo is a small screen that can be changed from radio to NAV, fuel econ, or phone functions. The window switches were a little flat-looking, and it was easy to notice the fake aluminum dash when it’s sitting right above the drilled aluminum surrounding the shifter, but I’m nit-picking. It’s a sharp-looking cockpit, everything is where you want it, and it feels great (the wheel is particularly nice. Ahem, Hyundai.)

It’s not what they’re equipped with, but how it’s done. For example, within minutes of sitting in this car (and without even seeing a manual) I had synched my phone with the in-car BlueTooth and was making phone calls. The menus of the MMI system are very easy to use and smartly organized. It’s packed with the usual fancy features you expect of a car in this class; Sat NAV, BlueTooth, iPod, Satellite Radio, Smart Phone interaction, radio and car features. But my favorite part were the shortcut buttons surrounding the MMI wheel.

Say I’m driving down the highway, flipping through the Satellite radio stations, trying to find a song without Lil Wayne in it (Check NPR, mayyybe a country station. No guarantees.) and I realize there’s a 15-highway interchange coming up and I have no idea where to go. Rather than fumble with the wheel looking for the “back” button, I just hit the “NAV” button and the NAV screen pops right up in place of the radio stations. Simple, easy, brilliant. There’s buttons for each menu, and there’s 4 more buttons closest to the MMI wheel that have different functions depending on what menu you’re in. It makes using the system effortless.

The back seat is comfortable enough, but the leg room won’t keep you happy on a long road trip. The back seats are bolstered like Kate Hudson, so passengers will be making good use of those door handles during “spirited” errands. The cargo area is again, smart. There’s 6 metal anchor points, as well as a DC plug (The 3rd in the car). And if you fold those seats flat, you have as much cargo space as a Mercedes GLK or Audi Q5. Why’d you buy that SUV again?

This car drives exactly as I expected: wonderfully. It’s comfortable, quiet, agile and as quick or docile as I want. It had every gadget I needed, without needing an ITT Tech degree to work them. It has the safety of AWD, the speed of a sport sedan, and the space of it’s Q5 big brother. And on top of all of that, it’s a hoot to drive. Sure it’s no RWD coupe or freeway monster, but you could pack it with camping gear and rip up to the camp site.
The only negative is the cost. Our car, fitted with the Sport Package, NAV Package and Premium Plus package came to $44,100. At first glance it’s a lot, but when you look at the competition, it’s actually a bargain. A BMW 328i wagon is comparable, but it’s RWD. Cadillac’s new CTS Sport Wagon, with RWD and the V6, starts at $44,055 and quickly crosses into the 50s with options. You could look at on of the new crossover offerings, but even the boring-both to sit in and drive-Toyota Venza has the same MSRP (V6 AWD model). An SUV at this level will cost way more, and get it’s fake machismo handed to it in the twisties. With AWD, 260 ft lbs of torque, a delightful interior and great handling, this is luxurious practicality at a bargain.

Which brings me back to my original thought; why don’t we like wagons? The majority of SUV owners neither off-road nor tow anything. SUVs get worse gas mileage, are slower through corners and generally cost more. There’s a stigma with wagons that they will turn you into a boring person reminiscent of Chevy Chase’ Clark Griswold. That may have been the case in the past, but not here. This car can box with plenty of “sporty” cars, without having to leave half it’s Costco haul in the parking lot. If you were looking for something to fill the gap between sedan and a 4×4, this is it.

- Zack K

Next to the A-Team van, of course.

With all the flash-in-the-pan golly-gee wizardry that passes for an auto show these days, it’s nice to see one manufacturer actually remember where it came from. And standing quietly and with dignity in the middle of the show floor, away from the booth babes and Hyundai’s laser light show, is where Jaguar rolled out a very special model.

The “SS” in this, the Jaguar SS100, stands for “Swallow Sidecars,” the original company that would later evolve into Jaguar. Founded by, yes, the Sir William Lyons, the company repurposed WWI motorcycles and built sidecars before their moderate success allowed them to break into the coachbuilding business. It wasn’t until 1945 when the company changed its “SS” name to “Jaguar” to avoid some relatively recent Teutonic military connotations. Look past the unfortunate name and suspicious eagle logo, however, and you will find a car that exemplifies what it is that makes Jaguar such a special company — and why the big cat is worth keeping around despite its frequent attempts at financial implosion.

The company was only just starting to move out of sidecars and rebadged Austins, but Lyons had ambitions for the small firm. He knew that a rakish, beautifully-proportioned sporting machine would lift his small company out of obscurity and into the realm of an actual automobile manufacturer, and the long, low SS100 would do exactly that. It came soon after the company’s first car, the SS Jaguar saloon that marked the first use of the name “Jaguar.” When it was unveiled at the Mayfair Hotel in London, it was one of the few cars available to the public that could reach 100mph; most cars would struggle to reach 60. Like the XK120 and E-Type to follow, and a defining Jaguar trait, it was fast, inexpensive, stunningly good-looking, and miles ahead of anything else on the road. And like any Jaguar we can think of today, it was raced with success at the RAC Rally and the Brooklands circuit.

This particular example is one of only 118 3.5-liter-engined models still with us today. If you can find your hands on one of the 198 2.6-liter-equipped models, however, don’t despair — you’ll most likely get £100,000 out of it. If you were around in 1935, you could have plonked down £395 for a new one — approx. $9,000 today. And if you want one yourself, Suffolk Jaguar will happily build you a faithful replica if you can scrounge up the running gear from an XJ6.

And if the SS100 or its saloon counterpart hadn’t been the smashing successes they were, Jaguar most likely wouldn’t exist. There’d be no fabulous E-Types, XJ coupes, aluminum-chassis D-Type racecars, or the car near and dear to this author’s heart, the XJS and its famous Jaguar V12. Motoring would have suffered the loss of a great icon, and we wouldn’t be sitting around pontificating on whether or not the XFR next to it is a worthy successor or not. Is it? It’s certainly a better vehicle in every regard (80 years of progress can make that happen), but is it as romantic, historically significant, or just plain cool as the SS100? You decide.

You know what? On second thought, I’d take this over the A-Team van.

— Blake Rong

Image credits: Jag Lovers

OF COURSE we were going to show the whole drag race. Here it is. Clearly, the Mustang slaughters the Camaro in a 1/8 mile drag race on a runway. The drivers were two Ford engineers, and for those of you who think the Camaro driver sandbagged, he was a former pro racer who cut a .001 light. The Mustang driver cut a .008 light. Happy Easter!

For the serious performance modder, AmericanMuscle has a great selection of Mustang heads to take your Stang to the next level.

By now you may have heard about the Lexus LFA’s stringent availability restrictions for potential buyers. One does not simply walk into a Lexus dealership and start arguing over finance plans as they would in at, say, Bentley. No, Lexus, the exalted ones, must choose you, Mr. Millionaire Rapper Astronaut Guy, in order to represent Lexus as the brand for trendy and urbane reality-show stars, unfaithful athletes, and Goldman Sachs employees under the Witness Protection Program. A barrage of deposits, credit checks, and painful dental extractions follow. Once you survive the Temple of Doom and successfully defeat Lexus of America vice president Mark Templin in armed combat atop Mount Hachimantai, only them will you receive the opportunity to own it—for a year. Then you have to give it back.

Meanwhile, across the stand, Mercedes—a brand with real history—thoughtfully left the doors up on their latest and greatest SLS AMG for journalists to climb around and spill Coke over the carbon-fiber/Alcantara racing seats. It’s a car that any schmo with $183,000 can buy, cherish, and oversteer into a Peugeot with. You can even walk into the showroom wearing a denim jacket.

Naturally, Lexus wouldn’t let any mere hack with a digital camera go near the car, for fear of staining the matte-black paint finish, which is mixed with the blood of peregrine falcons and polished by hand with the Bayeux Tapestry. But this is only the beginning of the story: here are countless more examples (6, to be specific) of just how badly Lexus wants the LF-A to fall into the right hands. This information was gleaned from press materials, industry rumors, repeatedly badgering attractive product specialists, and conspiracy-spouting forum members who have not yet found how to turn off their CAPS Lock. Just how exclusive is the LF-A? This exclusive:

1.) If the car is sighted outside any department store less expensive than Nordstrom’s, Lexus technicians will douse the interior in hydrochloric acid and perform a full chemical shower, in order to eliminate the stench of poor people.

2.) Once a year, the owner is required to attend at least fifteen (15) Coldplay concerts in order to maintain appearances among rival trendsetters. Expressing a dislike for the alternative post-Britpop band will be grounds for immediate lease termination.

3.) All members of Skull and Crossbones must pass a credit check. No exceptions.

4.) Only one man in the world is trusted to service the LF-A: 103-year old Yomuri Kanyahama, a blind, deaf hermit and Ningen Kokuhō who lives deep in the forests atop Mt. Hakusan. Despite his lack of sight, hearing, youth, and sanity (he still believes Japan is fighting the Russians), he is the only living person qualified to service the LF-A’s F1-developed 560-hp handbuilt aluminum/magnesium/titanium alloy 9000-rpm dry-sump V10 motor. Some of his 28 sons and daughters describe his mechanical prowess as “some sorta ‘Pinball Wizard’ thing.”

5.) When a scheduled service is requested, signed and approved by Lexus executives, the car is airlifted by Sikorsky Skycrane helicopters directly from their owner’s driveway onto an awaiting cruise liner that has been specially reserved for the occasion. It is then transported, with nothing else on board, directly to Ishikawa Prefecture. Here Taoist monks lift the car off the ship and carry it by hand (silk gloves, to be specific, lest the paint become damaged)  the arduous 50+ miles to the summit of Mt. Hakusan. Once this journey is completed Kanyahama will then receive the car and proceed to summon the spiritual life force required to replace the car’s power-steering fluid (extracted from the cerebrospinal fluid of white Siberian tigers, prized for its viscosity), by meditating atop the mountain’s summit for forty days and forty nights. Here, he asks for the blessings of Benzaiten, one of the Seven Shinto Gods of Fortune. When he has received a satisfactory response he will then return down the mountain, spiritually and physically strengthened, and start the work. Kanyahama is a master craftsman, working without the use of powered or even hand tools, loosening every Loctite-doused bolt and tearing down every transmission casing by hand, summoning what little energy the feeble old man still carries within his battered and brittle frame. The process is long and altogether painful, but he will have the full trust of the Toyota corporation behind him. When Kanyahama feels that the spiritual and technical process has been harmonized by the universe and the car’s factory service bulletins (printed on the same parchment as the Meiji Empire’s rudimentary constitution), the monks will carry it through the forest again, the car will be transported atop the ocean liner, and the owner will be billed by the hour at a standard shop rate of $86.75/hr. The entire process takes 11 months.

6.) If the lease is not paid on time, Lexus has the ability to ensure that the owner’s next pop album will chart below Justin Bieber’s, or that the owner’s deviant sex scandal makes the front page of both the Huffington Post AND The Atlantic, whichever leads to greater embarrassment.

But hey. At least you get to drive around the Nurburgring for life.

— Blake Rong

As the Subaru Impreza WRX STI gains bigger and better wings, this will soon be its only logical conclusion.

Hot on the heels of the new, more aggressively revamped WRX, Subaru released its brand-new WRX STI only a few days later. For eagle-eyed car spotters, what’s the difference between the regular 265-hp WRX and the hotted-up 305-hp STI? Appearance-wise, other than the wing (it’s functional, Subaru tells us) there’s, well, little else. Some “STI” stitching on the seats, really, maybe that  “STI” badge on the grille. As well as, of course, the increased street cred among your race crew.

Enterprising WRX buyers who can’t make the jump to $35,000 for the STI will be enthusiastically searching for STI wings to bolt onto their cars.  Take it from the BMW “M3″ owners of the world.

— Blake Rong

If you ask me, the Mercedes-Benz SLS AMG GT3 would make a perfectly competent daily driver.

Who needs in-dash navigation, Mercedes COMAND, or a radio anyway? Who really needs map storage or reclining seats or windows that roll downwards? Door latches, Bluetooth connectivity, vertebrae-friendly suspension: the GT3 has none of these.

Here’s what it does have, however: a fire extinguisher. A row of toggle switches. Windshield wipers. A functional wing on the back big enough to host the 14th Annual NHRA Midwest Nationals. Carbon fiber chin splitters. A striking orange band around the grille that looks like it’s illuminated. Oh, and a reworked version of the 6.2L V8 (though they prefer if you call it the 6.3), supposedly good for 600 horsepower, ready to roll in the FIA GT3 European Championship. And they’ll sell you one if you’re cool enough.

But if you do need all of those things, Mercedes graciously parked a roadgoing version next to it, just in case its well-heeled owner needed to make a quick getaway through the Italian Alps for the weekend. Supermodel girlfriends tend to get cranky if they can’t turn on the air conditioning.

— Blake Rong

No wonder new Mazdas are so happy, they’re grinning ear-to-ear because they’ve been pounding these. Though hopefully not through the gas tank.

Promoting the new Mazda2, which hits our shores in July, the Mazda booth was sporting these fancy-pants vending machines thoughtfully loaded up with let’s face it, Red Bull for sleep-deprived, hangover-nursing journalists. Meanwhile, across the hall Mitsubishi was inexplicably giving out White Russians, which was curious since the company is neither white nor Russian. Observation: tasty, though it still doesn’t make up for killing off Ralliart.

“Zoom-Zoom Concentrated: Augment Your Reality. Tap into 100% pure Zoom-Zoom. And enhance your reality in radical new ways.”

And since it’s not an auto show gimmick without further Web-2.0 gimmickry, by holding the Mazda logo on the can (shown above) up in front of a webcam, the monitor will show a 3D Mazda2 that erupts in a cloud of digital fireworks. You wave the can in front of the camera and the onscreen 3D car rotates along with your hand positions. There’s no bulky RFID reader or demonic-looking electronic data pattern on the can. It’s just an ordinary aluminum soda. That can create magical images by itself.

I tried this out repeatedly for a good 20 minutes, by which time my mind had been thoroughly blown. Hold your jetpacks, World of Tomorrow: our future is here already!

No word yet from the FDA if 100% pure Zoom-Zoom causes heart palpitations, fever, drymouth, migraines, or has been scientifically proven to reduce the risk of gingivitis.

— Blake Rong

Customize your Mustang with a Mustang grill from AmericanMuscle.com

The Smoking Tire’s glorious, half-assed New York Auto Show coverage!

That’s right, we’ve hit the big leagues now (cheesy graphic notwithstanding). We’ve sent your humble reporter to New York with nothing more than a novelty t-shirt and some lessons in groveling and told him to keep an eye out on the cars, the people, the bad food,the air of desperation lingering over the Chrysler stand, overexcitable German executives, cool swag from the Scion booth, Vinnie, the surly Koenigsegg representative, outlandish “tuned” Kias, DYCWTC’s secret identity (and her excellent blog), the occasional gas-mileage-pill-hucking fraudster, anything with over 400 horsepower, and Peter Egan. I’m also secretly hoping for something as bad as the Counter Balance.

Stay tuned to The Smoking Tire for NY Auto Show coverage as well as on Twitter: @bzrong and @TheSmokingTire.

Let’s say you’re hanging out with “Chunk” from the movie, The Goonies. “Chunk” is ugly. He’s a simple, good-hearted giant, but he has a face that looks like a Picasso painting. If you’re with “Chunk”, would having him take off his shirt make him more pleasing to the eye? No. Apparently Porsche believes that two negatives equal a positive, because these patent drawings indicate a convertible Panamera is in the works. Remember our review on the 370Z, and how it was a great-looking top up or down? That’s because Nissan planned to have a drop-top all along, and designed accordingly. I doubt that was the case with the Panamera. At least the roof gave it a slick profile, but with the top down it looks like a bathtub with a Porsche hood. Not good. C’mon Porsche, just quite while you’re ahea… mildly behind.

This is, simply, one of the greatest cars I’ve ever seen. It’s gorgeous, it’s fast, it’s powerful, it’s efficient and it’s technologically advanced. This is the Porsche 918 Spyder Concept, which made it’s appearance at the 2010 Geneva Motor Show. You may have read about it already, you may be seeing it for the first time, but hopefully we are seeing the future of automobiles. Click to read more, watch the video, and voice your opinion.

It’s the future because it is an amazing combination of performance and responsibility. It makes 718hp. It goes 198mph. It will go from 0-60 in under 4 seconds. It gets 78mpg.

What?! Whowhatwherehowwhywhen? I said the same thing when I read about this car, I couldn’t believe my eyes. How can it be so fast, yet achieve an mpg that makes a Prius look like a 1973 Ford F-250 with a fuel leak? It’s a hybrid. The mid-mounted 500hp V8 makes 500hp, and two electric motors in the front make 218hp. At the Geneva Motor Show Porsche showed off it’s new GT3 R HYBRID race car. It too has electric motors in the front, but the power can only be used in small bursts of speed, like that being developed for  F1 cars.

The 918 would have 4 driver selectable modes: E-Drive, Hybrid, Sport Hybrid and Race Hybrid. As you move up the ladder you get more power, better throttle response and, of course, fewer MPG. In E-Drive the car is an electric vehicle, with a small range of 16 miles. In Race mode both engines are at max output, and there’s even an E-Boost button for extra passing power. It’s like the green version of NOS. Awesome.

The technology alone is so exciting it could give Al Gore a personality, but then there’s the looks: it’s beautiful. This car places second only to the exquisite Carrera GT, and it’s a close 2nd. When you look at it you know it’s a Porsche, but it has flavors of SLR and Ferrari in it as well. Perhaps Porsche drove to Italy one night and kidnapped a struggling artist. Whatever they did, it works. It’s modern, but with classic sports car soul. It doesn’t look like a car from the Jetsons, even though the technology could have the “Spacely” name on it. Inside and out, from any view, it’s just a gorgeous car. People have complained about the plastic looking wheels, but that’s a waste of O2. I promise you, when the car comes out, it will be wearing normal shoes.

With a car like this, you don’t need much else. Maybe a wagon or tiny, fuel-efficient SUV for carrying kids or taking road trips, but that’s it. I can lay awake dreaming of a garage with as many cars as Baskin Robbins has ice cream flavors. I would have a car for every job, every mood, every craving. Be it a quiet commuter to save gas and get around, or a huge V8 to shake the ground and snap my neck back, the list was always huge. But the 918 covers so many categories, it leaves little room for anything else. Track car, luxury car, sports car, gorgeous to look at, 200MPH super car, responsible hybrid, loud V8, RWD, brand recognition, “romantic evening” magnet; it has it all.

When you add it all up, this is one of the best concepts ever made. It looks great, without going the fun-house way so many concepts do (Mazda). It’s a supercar, which we always love, but it’s also looking to the future. Instead of another 11MPG, 1000hp Mach 2 supercar from a company ran by 4 billionaires that is no more practical than using a loaded gun for dentistry, this is a car that is fitting for where our world is heading. This shows the world super-cars and hybrid efficiency are not mutually exclusive.  We can have our cake at eat it too. Up until now hybrids have been as exciting as grey wallpaper, and less alluring to look at. The  918 is like a window of hope, a spec of light when you thought you were buried in a cave. I hope this inspires other automakers, because if it does, the future looks bright.

Zack K

918 Promo Video

Tell us what you think below.

If you saw the orgy of multimillion-dollar athletics-exploiting commercialism known as the Super Bowl this past weekend, you might have seen a certain Dodge Charger commercial. Entitled “Man’s Last Stand,” it was the stronger pick of an evening of lackluster, cliche, bombastic, vaguely misogynistic ads with little automotive representation (unless you count Toyota’s creepy public-service announcement) other than Hyundai and Jeff Bridges’ oh-so-soothing voice.

“I will walk the dog at 6:30am. I will eat some fruit as part of my breakfast. I will shave. I will clean the sink after I shave. I will say yes when you want me to say yes. I will listen to your friends. I will put the seat down. I will carry your lip balm. I will watch your vampire TV shows with you. And because I do this, I will drive the car I want to drive.” Cue screeching tires and general disdain for public welfare, set to an Iggy Pop soundtrack.

But will I drive a Furious Fuchsia Challenger?

No doubt scholars and professors could read into this as the eroding of man’s primal instincts, he as hunter-gatherer and protector of the nest, whittled away over centuries of domestic servitude into a life of worrying about patchouli oil and Coldplay tickets. Certainly they have already. Or, it could just be that Dodge’s marketing geniuses wants you to believe that their cars cars are the 4-wheeled equivalent of Chuck Norris punching a grizzly bear in the bonch.

Manly men drive Dodges; manly men can also wear pink shirts and (usually) get away with it. So when the Nostalgia Department at Chrysler Group LLC (the only part of the company actually turning a profit) announced the 2011 Challenger with the same sort of eye-searing pink normally reserved for missile silo kill-switches, it’s the sort of irony that makes Samuel Beckett feel underappreciated. Would you drive a manly, fire-breathing, tire-squealing 400+hp RWD muscle car guaranteed to put hair on your chest…if it were bright pink?

On the one hand, Dodge cars are the last bastion of modern man, an escape pod from all the travails of masculinity—a concept that even crosses gender boundaries. And yet, on the same day, they announce the return of an industrial-strength pink found on Hello Kitty lunchboxes covered in glitter and Edward Cullen stickers.

But whether you’re afraid the drive-thru girls at Rally’s are going to tease you in front of your rugby team, brah, it’s still a very sharp-looking package. Complemented with the optional Pearl White seats and white 1971-throwback R/T stripes on the R/T Classic (left), it’s attention-grabbing without being overly tacky: after all, last week’s G-Power Typhoon X5 is a milder shade of white, but which car would you rather be seen in?

Either way, bright, obnoxious colors are a boon to the masses: it brings a little extra cheer to the 50 shades of grey that pass for “a reflection of an owner’s personality” these days. Bright colors are a rebellion against the relentless domination of silver, a middle finger to Toyota beige, and a necessity in these fearmongering, recession-addled times. They’re visual Xanax. They’re a box of Crayola crayons. And they can even resist the tiresome interpretations of masculinity, trotted out year after year by a jaded and increasingly desperate marketing department.

Just as long as it’s on somebody else’s car.

— Blake Rong

PantherPink.com

Autoblog

Who doesn’t like a badass-looking lifted truck? Sure, most of the ones we see are driven by tattooed jackasses that stand at 5 feet 3 inches and like to season their pizza with HGH, but the trucks still turn heads. That 5 year-old part of our brains that endlessly played with Tonka trucks and BIGFOOT models in the mud never completely goes away. So when I saw this truck, less than 50 feet from the swanky Ivy Restaurant of Bevely Hills, I had to cross the street to check it out. At first it looked like a normal 4-door short bed with a good lift kit; black truck, black wheels, yada yada. But something peaking over the roof caught my eye. What is that black, angle-cut cylinder poking up from the bed? Is it a tow hitch? The tip for Kim Kardashian’s lipo machine? No. It is the exhaust tip to end all exhaust tips. Fart cans of the world, this is your god. If you own a Nissan Altima, with an “R” badge and 6″ coffee can muffler, you are no longer leader of the idiots. I have seen plenty of trucks with the semi-style “smokestacks”, and while stupid, at least there was a connection. Semi-TRUCK, pickup-TRUCK. A thin connection, yes, but a connection nonetheless.

Here however, there is no connection. This pipe belongs on top of a house, or a giant cruise ship, or perhaps it could be used as a tunnel under LA for a subway system. It’s so big, even Shaq could drop a free-throw in there. I wonder how often this guy has to chimney sweep garbage out of his exhaust before he can go to work. Seriously, if I lived on his block, there’s no way I could resist stuffing  a cantaloupe in there. Like a fat girl with a pretty face, this truck is a waste of potential.

Does it run on coal?

I checked. Fully functional.

Make your truck growl with a Ford F150 exhaust from AmericanTrucks.

A few months ago we told you about Tesla’s ambitious plan to drive a Tesla Roadster from Los Angeles, CA to Detroit, MI(If you missed it, click here). The goal was to address the issue of an electric car’s range, answer those concerns, and put a nail in its coffin for good. The route was a 2700 mile journey through America’s heartland, with 19 stops along the way for interviews, PR, and to re-charge. But the  Road Trip wasn’t planned for the middle of summer, along the gorgeous coast of California, where the temperature and climate vary between “partly cloudy and 80 degrees” and ” Heavenly.” No. The trip started in L.A. mid-December, went through the south and ended in Detroit in January, where the  average temperature at night is 17.8 degrees. If you live in LA, your frozen double-decaf-nonfat-cuz-I’m-on-a-diet-but-yes-extra-carmel-latte is warmer than that. This trip was going to show people that the Tesla could not only travel great distances, but be used in any condition. As of January 8th, the trip is over, and the results are in.

Tesla Roadster #750 made it without a scratch. 16 Tesla employees drove the car 2700 miles  without a break-down, power-outage, electric shock or catastrophic explosion. They stopped at diners, universities, car clubs, race tracks and even gas stations. Every stop brought a gaggle of news crews, looky loos, inquisitive adults, excited kids, and camera phone ninjas. The excitement around the car is impressive, especially when the car traveled through Texas and Oklahoma. These are the places you would think would greet the Tesla with a gas can and the burning branch of some endangered tree.  But no. Parties were thrown, questions hit the drivers in waves, and there was nothing but smiling faces and an eagerness to learn more at every turn. People everywhere are excited about this car.
In reading the blogs, one thing bugged me. In addition to the nightly charges, the team was charging the car to mid-day. It gave Tesla opportunities to meet more people, answer more questions, and show how easy it is to find a place to plug in, but I would have liked to see them do some seriously long drives without a stop.  If you only need to go 200 miles, and have all day to do it, stopping for a long lunch and some electrons is fine, but what if you want (or need) to just get there? The drive was an impressive feat, I just wish the legs had been a bit longer.

Overall, this is a huge step for electric cars. Tesla has argued since day 1 the average American drives less than 40 miles a day, a 1/6th of the Tesla’s range. Yet people still said it couldn’t go far enough. “What if I want to drive to San Diego, or Las Vegas, or Maine?” You can. Yes, if it’s far enough to require recharging, it will take longer than a gas or diesel car. But you can drive it in the desert, in the mountains, on the freeway, on a racetrack or in the snow (with snow tires and TCS on).  And as far as the infrastructure that nay-sayers, oil barons and big-3 automakers say we don’t have, we have it. As one driver said, “If you can plug in your cell phone, you can plug in your roadster.”

Electric cars are not perfect. Fuel-cars may not travel 500 miles every day, but the fact is they can if you need them to. And to keep the range up, the drivers maintained a paint-dryingly boring 65mph (although one source said the car attained 119mph). Sure, a gasoline car’s range is equally affected by your right foot but if you overdo you don’t have to sit at an RV campsite for 4 hours, fighting off coyotes, before you can head out again. But the fact remains, cars like the Tesla are a viable option for the future. They found Tesla owners in every state, and the interest in the car was universal. It’s not just hipsters in Seattle or rich tree-huggers that are drawn to this silent powerhouse. It’s moms in Texas, playboys in Monaco, and kids in Arizona. Through this trip, Tesla showed us not only the capabilities of their cars, but the interest all Americans have for them. Besides, the Tesla is way more fun than the sleeping pill known as the Prius.

One of these is a ball, and one has none.

Read about the entire journey: Roadster Road Trip

Questions about the car? Click HERE

Filmmaker Jeremy Hart (Jay Leno SLS Video) decided he wanted to drive the world’s longest road. All 1100 miles of it, and record it in fast forward. I gotta say, that’s a boring ass road.

For a modern, trendy city like Barcelona, it’s rare to see any old classic car still puttering the streets. And when I say “classic car,” I don’t mean beautifully restored E-Types or period-patina’d Citroen SMs; I generally mean anything non-diesel built before the SALT II talks. Most people either keep their rare exotica hidden away from the bustle of city life, or generally don’t bother holding onto something so old. And why would they? Used modern hatchbacks are cheap enough to get rid of the old clunkers.

But here, hidden among the Peugeot 306 wagons and SEAT Toledo TDIs (why they would name a car after a depressing city in Ohio is anyone’s guess) is a callback to another era, a working man’s car and today either a chic fashion statement—as all city cars eventually become—or a faithful old friend, depending on how you look at it. It’s the Renault 4, which can rightfully be considered the granddaddy to all these modern-day pretenders.

There’s not much to be said for automotive longevity these days. The unloved PT Cruiser, which can certainly call this a direct ancestor, has been around since late 1999 and is now only being chased off the market. Pah! The Renault 4 has been ferrying cheese-eating surrender monkeys (and many, many other people) virtually unchanged for almost 40 years. From 1961 to 1994, over 8 million of these baguette-ferrying 4s left the factories of 11 countries, including Spain (Valladolid). The closest thing we have is the Ford Ranger, which only feels as old.

The drab shoebox 4 was also innovative: it was famous for being one of the first hatchbacks in production, setting the standard for the modern small city car. Like any automotive first, however, it’s a matter of debate. The Citroën Traction Avant of 1934 had a top-hinged door. But they never built 8 million of those.

And parked around the corner from the Park Güell, the wonderfully dorky Renault manages to fit in with legendary architect Antoni Gaudí’s colorful Modernist vision. Both are cartoonish, weird, and all too easily written off as goofy-looking curiosities to the unitiated. But both have become minor cultural symbols in their own right. Both have been heralded for their groundbreaking quirks (the wheelbase is a few inches longer on the right than the left, due to the transverse torsion bars). And both are designed for the masses: the world car for all people, outside the park of a world-class city.

In Colombia the Renault 4 was nicknamed the amigo fiel, or “faithful friend.”And the fact that these three are still sticking around, even when their owners could have scrapped them in favor of some diesel Skoda, doesn’t make that nickname a surprise.

- Blake Rong

(All photos by the author. Renault 4 ads from allez-y.info.)

Used Cars

The Smoking Tire viewer Brian Zuk was simply filming the wonderful sounds of a white Ferrari 430 Scuderia starting up. But sometimes, the moment finds you. In this case “the moment” is a drunken Zach Galifianakis lookalike who gets a little, ahem, excited.

Thanks Brian!

These cell phone shots of a Mazda Miata, clearly ready for the 24 Hours of Lemons, were taken about half a block from my house! This is the “Team Eyesore Racing” Miata, caged out and with a homebuilt turbo kit. What’s even more interesting, is that the rig is hitched up to a brand new Dodge Ram 1500 with Michigan “M” plates, meaning it’s a press car. Is there another journalist/weekend racer living on my block and I don’t even know about it?

I appeared on FoxNews.com’s The Strategy Room Live discussing the Cadillac CTS-V Coupe, new Mustang GT 5.0L engine, the Revenge GTM.R, and the Honda CRZ

I can’t embed the video because their player is wierd, but here’s the link to watch.

“Your van appears to have rabies, sir.”

I’ve seen this absolutely gorgeous, screaming chicken hooded Trans-Am parked down by Venice beach a few times over the past couple of months, and when I stopped to take these pictures, a guy approached me and told me that this car was formerly owned by the late David Carradine, better known as “Bill” from Kill BIll, and that he, the current owner, is David’s cousin. I’m not surprised, the guy totally looked like him. The first time I saw it, the letters “D.C.” were painted on the driver’s side door just below the window, but they have since been wet-sanded off. My favorite part is the spaceman interior. This particular model, a 1978, came with Oldsmobile’s 6.6L V8 making a pathetic 185 horsepower.

I greatly respect Jeremy Clarkson for many reasons. He basically does the best possible version of what I could be doing, and makes a ton of money doing it, but more importantly, he has found a way to drive sports cars for a living, and keep it going for nearly thirty years, all the while expressing his true opinions virtually uncensored. I, for one, can tell you how difficult that actually is, because I’ve just barely scrapped my way through the first 10 percent of that, and some people seem to think I’m successful.

But the bottom line is, there’s a reason that Pearl Jam sounds kind of like The Who, there’s a reason that Beyonce’s hair looks like Diana Ross’s and there’s a reason the The Smoking Tire and Garage419 are often compared to Top Gear. It’s a matter of influence, and clearly, we like what we’ve been watching.

I was astonished to learn, on a recent trip to Wikipedia, exactly how many videos Clarkson has actually produced, independent from Top Gear. “Duel” marks Clarkson’s twenty-first sports car film. I have only seen three, “Thriller,” “Supercar Showdown,” and now “Duel.”

As the name implies, “Duel” attempts to solve some of the burning questions that swirl in the minds of gearheads the world over. It starts off well, with Clarkson and The Stig attempting to find out what the best car is for drifting, but quickly degenerates from there into over-the-top silliness that turns Jeremy into almost a caricature of himself. Of course, there are some hilarious moments, and as you could expect, plenty of vehicular destruction.

A welcome appearance from Tiff and Vicki from Fifth Gear was nearly ruined by the fact that Tiff is such a terrible actor, you could tell the whole gag was scripted, even though he’s quite good at doing car reviews on his own show, but the Stig attempting to flirt with Vicki made up for it.

But here’s the biggest problem wth “Duel.” Every, single car featured in the DVD has already somehow been used for an episode of Top Gear. So, while “Duel” is most certainly funny and a very entertaining hour, is it worth actually going to a store and buying?

Let’s just say I downloaded the torrent.

OK, I read TMZ. I like celeb trash sometimes, so deal with it. I especially like it when celebrities, a great percentage of which are morons, think their cars are worth more simply because they have owned them. This is common, even by normal non-celebrity standards, as every car is worth more to its current owner than it is to anyone else. Drive a $130,000 Maserati Quattroporte off the lot with a smile? To you, it’s still worth $130,000. To anyone else, it’s now worth $100,000 maximum, simply because your fat ass sat in the seat for a few miles, and signed some paperwork.

Jon Gosselin, who just realized he has to pay at least $10,000 A MONTH! in child support for his 8 kids, tried to make a quick buck by trading in his 2005 M3 (AKA, the guidomobile) for a 2008 Subaru STI plus about $4,000 in pocket for him. Not surprisingly, the dealer wasn’t buying. Maybe he could rent it out by the day to paparazzi?

[Source: TMZ]

The Smoking Tire is available for free podcast download on iTunes, click the link to go directly to the iTunes store.

The Smoking Tire on iTunes

If you haven’t heard about the Caparo T1, don’t feel too bad, it’s had some bad press and a few “incidents.” You can read all about it here. Basically this is an F1 car with 2 seats and a license plate zip-tied to the back, to make it street legal. The term “race car for the road” has been re-defined by this car. The boys at the UK magazine evo were recently handed the keys, and they didn’t baby it. The video says it all.

Watch The Video Here if Embedded Link Doesn’t Work in Your Browser

This is literally the best news I’ve gotten all week, and I spent all day at Steve Millen’s yesterday! Since we started The Smoking Tire, the hardest thing I’ve had to do, literally, is make the stupid podcast show up in the iTunes store. Well, today it’s one for the big guy, because our show can FINALLY be found by searching in the iTunes store, and without having to jump through hoops.

Take me to The Smoking Tire on iTunes!

OK guys, I know you have been all waiting patiently for the iTunes feed to work, and it finally does…. sort of. Despite the technical difficulties I’m having with the iTunes Music Store, there is a way around that problem.

1) Pull down the “Advanced” Menu from the top of the iTunes page.

2) Select “Subscribe to Podcast”

3) Type the following into the dialog box:

http://thesmokingtire.libsyn.com/rss

4) Click OK

You are now subscribed to The Smoking Tire’s Podcast on iTunes!

Say hybrids are the answer. We save the Earth,  weather returns to “normal”, we all save money, cleaner air, etc. We all live happily ever after, right? Not exactly. They’re fine in places like So Cal, but what if you live somewhere that has climates? You might assume with all the technology in that 4-wheeled deprivation chamber it could handle anything, but check out what happens when this guy tries to drive up his driveway in the winter. Keep in mind, the driveway is clear, and has had snow-melting compound put on it.

Pathetic. If the drive was covered in snow, I might let this slip. But this is basically a cold, wet driveway, and it’s hilarious. It points out that if the Prius starts to lose traction, it simply shuts down.The weather it fought to save is its own undoing. If this was prison, the Prius just intentionally grounded the soap.
When the weather gets nasty, you can’t think about saving the endangered 3-testicled Tree Salmon. You have to think about your own survival. Personally I would choose Ken Block’s personal method of snow transport: The Subaru Traxx STi.

Ken Block’s Traxx STI

Call me when your Prius explodes because a leaf fell on it.

Maybe we'll buy food tomorrow, if it's nice out.

- Zack Klapman

Celebrity can turn up in the strangest of places. When you peruse the fine vehicles of eBay Motors for blinged-up Escalades, Lamborghinis owned by adult film stars, and the chance to drive WHYI-FM Fort Lauderdale DJ Don Cox’s 1988 Corvette convertible, you might just scroll past this man’s hot-rod Lincoln.

While not a rock star per se, Ralph Stanley is a legend in bluegrass circles—known for his mastery of the claw-hammer banjo style and for his distinctive singing voice. Born in 1927, he first started playing at the tender age of 16 and went on to find success with his brother as the (recently revived) Clinch Mountain Boys. His cover of the traditional folk song “O Death” was featured in the Coen Brothers movie O Brother, Where Art Thou? He won a Grammy in 2002 for Best Male Country Vocal Performance and performed for John Edwards at a rally in 2007. He was nominated into the Grand Ole Opry as the first new member this decade as well as the International Bluegrass Hall of Fame—twice.

And yes, you can be forgiven if you still don’t know who he is.

A good ol’ boy with a good ol’ car: how more American can you get? How more American, indeed, when the backroads of western Virginia disappear under the chrome-slabbed nose of “Dr.” Stanley’s twelve-cylinder 1948 Lincoln Club Coupe. Its gracefully sloping rear window, reminiscent of the bumpy slide at a carnival, distinguishes it from the more common Continental coupes out there (if a postwar V12 Lincoln could ever be “common”). The all-original, 83,000-mile car is in perfect working order, with the amount of rust “less than a man’s hands.”

And it’s just the ticket into the strange and wonderful world of folksy mountain bluegrass music: just drive this through Kentucky or up to the front steps of the Ralph Stanley Museum and Traditional Mountain Music Center in Clintwood, Virginia—not far from where he was born and where he still performs today. Once you put up the $76,000 needed in order to own a car once driven by the 2004 Distinguished Virginian of the Year, you’ll be welcomed with open arms by the curiously-named Advanced Alternatives Commission for Community Transmutation via Technology & Sustainability Strategies (AACCTTSS), which promises you that it is a legitimate foundation and not a front by Cobra Commander. They’re aiming to redevelop the Lyric Theater in sleepy St. Paul, Virginia into a cultural museum, via a well-heeled Lincoln enthusiast enchanted by “I’ll Answer The Call.”

Of course, the charity is only the icing on the cake. After all, we are talking not about a mere man but a living legend, according to the ad copy: one who was awarded the Key to the City of Garner, North Carolina, who holds an honorary Doctorate of Music from Lincoln Memorial University in sunny Harrogate, Tennessee. Stanley the man himself will even autograph the car for you, a “once in a lifetime opportunity!” Or, failing that, a photograph.

Is bluegrass celebrity worth $76,000? Will the Lyric Theater be saved? Is it worth sitting in the seat once reserved for a National Medal of Arts recipient? Let’s hope so. Because for some, this will be too good to pass up.

For everyone else, though, we’ll just play along with the music.

Ralph Stanley’s “Celebrity Memorabilia” 1948 Lincoln V12 Club Coupe

- Blake Rong

One man dares to live the dream that we all share: firing explosive projectiles from his motorcycle. That’ll teach that bastard in the ’98 Avalon to cut me off! With the push of a button, left-lane hogs miraculously disappear, revenge is exacted upon tailgating Ford F-250 drivers, and the world once again finds balance.

Of course, this man isn’t the first one to pull this off:

If such vehicular awesomeness is to be topped, I can’t think of a better man to do it than Chuck Norris, “the world’s greatest human!”. This is 1986′s too-rad-for-words America, Fuck Yeah epic The Delta Force,  also known as Norris’s dissertation on how Regan-era America will destroy your face.

No wonder the Soviets lost.

- Blake Rong

[Edit, 12/17:] Well, apparently the video’s been pulled from Youtube. Story is, the one who shot it is looking to enlist in the Navy, and for some reason they frown on explosive vehicular felonies complete with video evidence posted on a public forum. Who knew? Guess there are still some things that are sacred on the Internet.

Anyway, you should have seen it, man. It was, like, totally freakin’ awesome and shit, bro. Like…I don’t know, but yeah, like, holy crap…you should have just been there, dude.

At The Smoking Tire HQ (Aka, where me, my girlfriend and Tom live and work in Redondo Beach), we have a problem with reality TV. Tom’s favorite is far and away Jersey Shore, and he asks me every single day if it’s time for a new episode. Me? I like Tool Academy because you’ve got people who knowingly signed up for a show called Tool Academy, and well, you can imagine how smart they are. My girlfriend Tracy, likes Ace of Cakes. It’s about a bakery that makes crazy wedding cakes for rich people, and I’ll admit that some of them are pretty cool. Well, Tracy managed to get me out of the house for a couple hours and made her first try for my recent 28th birthday (Thanks, Facebook birthday wall posters!) and made me a Corvette cake for when we returned from Medieval Times!

Ok so maybe she won’t be getting her own reality baking show any time soon, but the effort is truly there. For instance: the wheels are the Christmas-themed (they have stars on them which resemble the pattern of my wheels), and have red frosting, like the insides of my wheels. The proportions may be off, but from the rear it’s clearly a Corvette, and the shape of the front fenders is correct. Tinted windows courtesy of Fruit-Roll-Up.  Oh, by the way, it tasted amazing.

Thanks baby!

The ’32 Ford Deuce is one of the most hot-rodded cars of all time, period. In fact, if you close your eyes and I were to say the words “Hot Rod,” the ’32 Ford Deuce is probably the first car that would come to mind. In the last 75 or so years, they have been turned into dragsters, cruisers, show cars, low riders, and everything in between. And I’ll be honest here: a very high percentage of them are seriously awful.  But a track car? A car meant to go around corners? Surely, that’s not what ol’ Henry had in mind.

Tomas Svenningson didn’t exactly have an easy time building his dream machine. After all, despite the volumes of parts catalogs available for the Deuce, not a single one will explain how to turn one into a track car, drop in a turbocharged Volvo engine, or build an all-wheel drive system that fits. This would explain why it took Tomas 5 years to complete his project, even without building a real interior.

We don’t have horsepower numbers, but Hot Rod is quoting the 0-60 numbers at 3.76 seconds and 1/4 mile time of 11.85 @ 121 mph. That’s impressively quick for a car with only 5 cylinders that’s not set up for drag racing, but the more impressive number is the lap time. At Sweden’s Anderstorp Raceway, Svenningson can run a 1:48, which is ten seconds shy of a Porsche 911 GT3 Cup. Ten seconds is a lot on a racetrack, but considering what the Deuce was originally built for, its a very impressive number.

I love originality in car building. Anyone can take a ’57 Bel Air, drop in a crate engine and a set of Torq Thrust Wheels, paint it candy red and call it a resto-mod, but in my opinion, Tomas Svenningson’s ’32 is what custom car building is really all about. Well done, sir.

Thanks, Neil for the tip via Facebook! Got a tip? Email Matt@TheSmokingTire.com

*Edit* It has come to my attention that this is not actually a “world’s first,” hence the title change.

[Source: Hot Rod Magazine]

Ok so the title may be a little bit misleading, but EGM Cartech is reporting that the 10,000th Panamera has just run down Porsche’s Leipzig assembly line. 10,000? That’s more units than the entire 16 year run of the Hummer H1 already! And I’ve only seen two on the street: A turbo at tuner BBI Autosport, and a 4S with dealer tags carving the canyons on Mulholland. That’s it. If these reports are true, I’ve somehow missed the other 9,998 of them. For a car that many Porsche purists thought was a mistake, you wouldn’t know it by looking at Porsche’s factory photo.

EGM Cartech was also nice enough to share with us the breakdown in Panamera sales:

Panamera Turbo – 36%

Panamera 4s – 44%

Panamera S – 20%

Porsche says they plan to build 20,000 Panameras in 2010.

Some of you, ok all of you, may have noticed that our commenting system was awful and annoying, and that’s why no one comments on our posts. Well, that or I don’t say anything controversial, ever. Choose your own reasons, but we’ve decided to upgrade our commenting system using IntenseDebate, which will make it much easier for your guys to comment on the stuff we post here. Please, feel free to try out the new system on this or any post, and let us know what you think.

-Matt

P.S. I just got a new point-and-shoot, a Canon Powershot SD940 IS, so hopefully the picture quality around here will improve a bit….

US Automakers are outraged by Japan’s version of the Cash-for-clunkers program, which allows the Japanese to scrap their 13-or-older car for a new 2010 model, provided it meets new fuel efficiency requirements. The problem? All US-built cars are exempt from the program, and most other cars imported to Japan as well.

I don’t know why anyone’s surprised, since here in the US, many of the old Chevy Suburbans and Ford Explorers traded in under the program were traded in for Japanese cars, and had the US government mandated that we trade our cars for American-made vehicles, the big 2.5 would probably have a vastly-improved market position. But when you’re choosing between an Ave0 and a Fit, it’s really not a choice at all. [Source: Autospies]

Welcome to Bizarre Road Trip Sightings, where we stumble between curiosity and laughter while checking out odd cars found while on road trips. This week: An Explorer who’s about to cause a major accident. Spotted by TST viewer Vinny Russo

Got a bizarre road trip sighting? Email Matt@TheSmokingTire.com

On an episode of last season’s Top Gear, the trio went on a search for the biggest car bore: the sort of man who can tell the difference between the K-series and G-series Porsche 911E based on year of production and factory camber adjustments. At the classic car rally they dug up a few worthy of the title, but eventually concluded that it was none other than James May himself. (Watch the video on Top Gear’s site here.)

Well, now they may have found their match.

“It had to be a car from January 1993 to August 1993, because after that they changed the name from 600SL to SL600, and I preferred the script of the old lettering, which wasn’t italic, but underlined.”

Carsten Günther: airplane pilot, Mercedes aficionado, and the last person to be stuck in a zombie apocalypse with. Talking to Mercedes Enthusiast Magazine in January 2006 about the Mercedes SL73 AMG he fastidiously hunted down, and the SL600 (not 600SL, he’ll be quick to tell you) he owned before that.

Article scanned from German Car Zone, via Jalopnik.

- Blake Rong

Your friends and family won’t understand. People will look at you strangely. They’ll want to shun you, then hold an intervention. Anything for you to break the habit. Who the hell wants an 20-year old Honda Civic 4WD Wagon, especially when it looks like that? They’ll never get it, you tell yourself. They’re all a bunch of ignoramuses. What do they know?

But it’s ok. Your friends here at The Smoking Tire? We understand. And we feel the same way.

Watch with caution; this video may just change your life. You’ve been warned.

And there’s still one on eBay Motors right now. Act fast, however: this video’s already up to 44,000 views.

- Blake Rong

When you think of the perfect Lotus Elise, what do you see? I see exactly what rolled out of the factory, it’s incredible, just with more power. In fact, whenever I see a car I like, I almost always say, “If you just did _____ it would be incredible.” Its why guys put V8s in WRXes or think Ford GTs need double the stock hp. Automakers give us what they think is best for us, like the cautious parent giving their kid a bicycle over a dirt-bike. Silly parents. We’re just going to build a rickety ramp and prop it up on the roof…

I think Frank Profera was that kid.  He bought a Lotus, and even put a turbo on it. But it wasn’t enough. He loved the kidney-removal handling, and it was quick, but he wanted more. Frank let his imagination run; Why not add a super-charger? So he did. The car transformed into a 500hp, wide-bodied, 2150lb (with driver!) piece of  insanity. 0-60 is no doubt in the low 3s, and the top speed is more than 180mph, but this car is greater than the sum of its parts. The quality of the work is impeccable, and its set-up perfectly. This car takes the equation 10+10 and gets 100. The pictures from Lateral G Photography give great close up of the attention to detail. The color is questionable, but the performance more than makes up for it. Its awesome (Biblical-flood awesome, not Keanu Reeves awesome).  At no time does the car kick, slide, or stutter. Like dangling a Long-Island ice tea in front of Lindsay Lohan, it does exactly what you want. The power-to-weight ratio will make a Veyron consider Viagra. And you may not love the looks, but you can bet there’s a crowd around it every time it stops. Simply put, it’s the Lotus Elise of dreams.

-Zack Klapman

svronin’s YouTube Channel with 56 more videos like this:

http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=svronin#p/u

Pics by Lateral G Photography

I know we’re posting more now, but just to make sure, check out the newest episode of The Smoking Tire where we drive the impossibly gorgeous 1964 Jaguar E-Type, and the crap-yourself fast Porsche EvoM GT700 GT2!

You may have noticed that, when we aren’t running paid advertising in our videos, we are running promos for two other shows, Everyday Driver TV and Motorz.TV. These two shows, along with The Smoking Tire are part of the AutoStream Media Network of shows here in Los Angeles, and you guys should all check out both of their shows.

Everyday Driver TV, hosted by my buddies Paul and Todd, focuses only on car reviews for cars under $45,000, and I really dig their two-host format. If I had any friends, I’d have two hosts too.

Motorz.TV, hosted by Chris Duke, is a do-it-yourself show that shows you in simple, easy steps how to install bolt-on accessories and upgrades to your ride. They make it so easy, even I helped them out for an episode.

We’re all here to help each other and entertain you guys, so everyone should subscribe to all our channels so we can each keep making good content. And if you are a content producer or advertiser, make sure to check out AutoStream.com to see if you can turn your skills into a career.

For the record, I’m technically a Jew, though I’m actually an Athiest. My girlfriend, on the other hand, is a pretty decent Catholic, other than that whole, “out of wedlock” thing. Now that we live together in California, a Christmas Tree was very high on her priority list. Me? Not so much. Fortunately, I found a way to make it awesome by creating these Matchbox Car Ornaments! I have tons of Matchbox cars from all over, and by attaching small rubber bands and ornament hooks from the dollar store, I have come up with a great car-guy tree idea. Kids, if your dad likes cars, this is a great, inexpensive way to put a smile on their faces.

And I’m really sorry for the terribleness of these pictures. I’m getting a new camera this week, I swear.

Welcome to The Germans Know More Than Us, where we take advantage of the fact that Dan Volz, our intern, is a real, live German, and we have him translate awesome German car news. Today: The Germans Know More Than Us about proper seating position.

Translated to English

In our modern world, transportation is vital to our infrastructure. Buses, trains, planes, and of course cars all transport us quickly and safely from one place to another. However, the majority of people, especially automotive enthusiasts, prefer traveling by car. It gives us a great deal of personal freedom, lets us travel independently of any given schedule or departure times, and is generally seen as a safe method of travel. But even the best safety equipment isn’t enough to minimize the risk of injury, if the driver fails to take the necessary safety precaution of proper seating position. Often overlooked, proper seating position is vital in ensuring not only better driver control but also safety. A recent study from the Allianz Center for Technology further explains.

On longer drives, drivers generally tend to adopt a more relaxed and casual seating position. (I myself am guilty of this.) This not only damages your back and spine over time, but also increases the risk of accidents and injury, as in an emergency situation quick and timely reaction is crucial to accident prevention. Sudden lane changes and effective emergency braking are only possible if the driver isn’t seated to far away from the pedals and steering wheel. The seat should be positioned in a way that allows the leg to be slightly bent even when the pedals are fully depressed and extended arms allow the wrist to rest on top of the steering wheel, all while fully resting against the seat back and keeping at least 9-10 inches distance from the steering wheel.

The headrest position also plays a vital role in a safe seating position. If properly positioned, the upper edge should coincide with the highest part of your head. By keeping the distance between your head and the headrest at a minimum, whiplash injuries are greatly reduced.

Keeping all these safety precautions in mind allows you to fully enjoy the personal freedom of driving to the fullest.

[Source: Tuningblog]

Welcome to Bizarre Road Trip Sightings, where we feature strange cars found while on road trips. I found this one to be very confusing, and I’ll explain why:

It’s a Mercedes/Airstream/Westfalia/James Cook RV. It’s got a Mercedes grill and the European 316CDI badging, and this vehicle was sold in Europe as the “Westfalia James Cook Sprinter” as such. But, it’s also got Airstream badging on it. In the US, the RV was sold as the “Airstream Sprinter Westfalia.” Typically, those had the Dodge Sprinter grill though, and wouldn’t have the James Cook badging as well. This one appears to be some sort of hybrid of both. Or, the owner just went on a badging frenzy. Either way, holy shit it’s tall. Just look at it next to the Ford Escape! Spotted at Miracle Springs Spa in Desert Hot Springs, CA.

Send in your Bizarre Road Trip Sightings to Matt@TheSmokingTire.com

Mercedes/Airstream/Westfalia/James Cook Mega-Gallery after the jump.

Good news for Ford and the Fiesta, the first design to make it over to these shores from the “European Fleet.” Since their reservation site launched six days ago, Ford has taken over 1,000 orders for the compact, following on the viral marketing scheme that is the Fiesta Movement. Not that buyers don’t have incentives; customers who reserve now will get both SYNC and the Premium Sound Package ($595) for free. Hopefully we’ll get to test a US-spec car soon.

Full Press Release After the Jump

IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Ford fiesta racks up more than 1,000 reservations, builds on fiesta momentum

Dearborn, Mich., Dec. 9, 2009 – The new Ford Fiesta is off to a very fast start – with more than 1,000 reservations in less than a week on a new Web site that allows consumers to build, price and reserve the new car.

“The Fiesta Movement created an unparalleled awareness and interest for the Fiesta months ahead of it going on sale next summer,” said Lew Echlin, car marketing communications manager. “Fiesta Reservations provides these prospective customers a customized experience for researching, reserving and following their Fiesta.”

The Fiesta Movement helped generate momentum for Fiesta and resulted in more than 80,000 hand-raisers leading up to the car’s reveal at the Los Angeles Auto Show. The Fiesta Reservations program will hold the interest of potential customers, and give them a VIP experience in conjunction with Ford dealers.

Through the program, consumers who reserve a new Fiesta will receive prioritized order handling with automatic build updates, their personal Fiesta Reservations consultant, and SYNC^® and Premium Sound package, worth $595, at no charge once their vehicle is delivered. With a vehicle purchase, participants will be able to share their vehicle information through social media sites like Facebook.

Fiesta reservations have come from 47 states, with customers from California, Florida, Texas, New York and Illinois leading the way in reservations. The program also will provide Ford with a better understanding of mix rates as well as accessory interest, as this is the first time prospective customers can build and price their Ford accessories.

Customized service at your fingertips

Fiesta Reservations consultants will be available 12 hours a day to interact with participants and provide a personalized experience. Adding to the level of customer convenience, dedicated Fiesta Reservations consultants with multilingual capabilities are available.

Other personalized activities by the consultant include updating a customer’s reservation per his or her desire, introducing the customer to a “Fiesta specialist” at a local dealership and answering any customer questions.

Interested consumers can access Fiesta Reservations by visiting www.fordvehicles.com/2011fiesta or by texting “reserve” to 4Ford on a smartphone.

# # #

About Ford Motor Company
Ford Motor Company, a global automotive industry leader based in Dearborn, Mich., manufactures or distributes automobiles across six continents. With about 200,000 employees and about 90 plants worldwide, the company’s automotive brands include Ford, Lincoln, Mercury and Volvo. The company provides financial services through Ford Motor Credit Company. For more information regarding Ford’s products, please visit www.ford.com.

I drove the Dodge Challenger SRT8 back in March, and I’ll be honest. I hated it. It’s a yacht, a floaty, bobbly yacht, that despite it’s 6-liter engine and thunderous growl, is half a second slower in the quarter mile than my ’98 Corvette was, when it was stock. The Sat/Nav was awful, and the dashboard was clearly designed by Chrysler’s janitor as a joke while the actual designer was at lunch. Sadly, no one noticed.

I thought I knew something about cars. Yet this Dodge that I couldn’t stand just won the award for “most satisfying car” on Consumer Reports’ most recent survey. A whopping 92% of Challenger owners would buy another. That’s amazing, considering the fact that almost everyone I know who has driven one hates it.

On the other hand, the Challenger is a bit of a looker, no? If Shell comes up with a way to install Testosterone pumps on every street corner, this thing will run on it. And I see them on the street, so clearly there are people out there buying, and apparently enjoying them.

The best part about the article is that Consumer Reports themselves don’t actually recommend the Challenger to buyers because of it’s poor by-comparison performance to the Mustang and Camaro, and they encourage customers to cross-shop before making a decision.

[Source: CNN Money]

I’ll be honest: the last tricycle I rode had a seat made of yellow-painted wood. It had a red frame, and steel wheels with solid rubber tires. To turn it, you steered the handlebars left or right, and as long as you kept the pace down, you didn’t faceplant in the driveway. It had three wheels instead of two because I was incapable, both mentally and physically of riding a two-wheeled bicycle. I bring this up for a reason: Technically, the Piaggio MP3 500 is a Tricycle, and this is the same thought that runs through the head of every other motorcyclist who sees you riding it.

On the other hand:

“Hahahaha, duuuuude, it’s like fucking a fat chick! This thing is great! I just don’t want anyone to see me on it.”

-My friend Tim’s exact words after locking the MP3 in the upright position and removing his helmet.

And he’s right! The MP3 is one of the most fun vehicles I’ve ever piloted, including those with two, three, and four wheels, but I’ll get back to you when I return from Skip Barber Unicycle School. It’s truly in a class of its own, though in most respects it’s a very fast scooter. We’ll get to the cool tilty/turny extra wheels in a minute, but first, let’s talk horsepower. The single-cylinder, four stroke, four valve, liquid-cooled and injected 492cc engine makes 40hp and 31 lb/ft of torque, which is enough to hustle the MP3 an advertised 89 mph. Except that if the speedometer is accurate, I was able to hit 100mph on level ground without much trouble, a pleasant surprise. After riding 40 miles comfortably to a friend’s video shoot at a drag strip, I embarrassed a 2009 Honda Civic Si by beating it’s 1/8 mile time by half a second. A Ducati it ain’t, but we are still talking about a scooter here. From stoplights, the CVT transmission allows the engine to maximize each of its forty horses. At speeds over 40 mph, wind noise takes over for engine noise and the MP3 is virtually silent, and takes on an almost electric feel. Rolling acceleration is excellent as well, and 60 becomes 80 becomes 100 as fast as would ever be necessary. The bike’s no lightweight at 538 lbs dry, but it always manages to feel light on its feet.

The MP3 500, en route to an 11.1 @ 61 mph 1/8 mile time. Commentary by my friends as a bonus.

I could try to explain the whole suspension geometry to you, but it would be very boring and complicated, so here’s the short version: it leans, and steers, just like a regular motorcycle, but with a fully independent front suspension that can be “locked” into any position, and a swingarm with dual hydraulic shocks out back. There are several advantages to this configuration, most importantly stability in corners and on uneven pavement, but secondly, the ability to lock the suspension at any angle means you can park the MP3 perfectly upright, regardless of the angle of the street. The suspension locks and unlocks courtesy of a toggle switch on the right handlebar, but also unlocks automatically once throttle is applied from a stop. The bike can only be locked while stopped or moving at very slow speeds, and trying to use the lock mechanism on the fly takes a little bit of practice. The trickiest part about it is that the bike doesn’t automatically lock upright, it locks at whatever angle you’re holding it at the time you press the button. It can throw you off both literally and figuratively. Additionally, the wheels must be pointed straight ahead when accelerating from a locked stop, because the locks will fight countersteering at first. With a day or two of practice it’s as normal as riding any other scooter, except faster and more stable in turns. It’s also more stable at low speeds, able to weave through cars in traffic or parking lots as slowly as 2-3 mph, steering with the handlebars while remaining perfectly upright. Once parked, the integrated parking brake keeps the MP3 in place.

I love the flat black look of the MP3, and it’s stealthy, Batman meets post-apocalyptic anger sets it apart from the luxo-barge look of the other high-powered scooters on the market. There are no fewer than six lights on the MP3’s face, which is, from another motorists perspective misleading. One night I rode the MP3 home from dinner at night, following my girlfriend in her car. She told me that she kept thinking there was a car far behind her, as opposed to a bike close behind, because of the shape and placement of the headlights.

Storage on the MP3 is limited to a compartment underneath the seat large enough for an open-face helmet and a couple of small grocery bags, but in all other respects it’s so practical that the optional top-box would make the MP3 a great replacement for a car altogether. The one major area of functionality that the MP3 really lacks is a decent sized gas tank. I usually refill about 5-10 miles after the light comes on, and I could barely manage 100 miles on a tank. It doesn’t get terrible gas mileage, I rode aggressively (for a scooter) and got about 40 mpg, but I went through almost 7 tanks of fuel during my two-week loan. With an engine this size, a 4-5 gallon tank would be more appropriate.

There’s another problem, too. At a shade under $9,000, the MP3 500 isn’t exactly cheap. It may be the top of the engine range for the MP3 (250cc and 400cc engines are also available), but after getting used to the 500′s power, I wouldn’t want to downsize, and nine grand for a scooter may as well be thirty. If it were my own money on the line, I’d wait and see how much I could save on a well-cared for used example.

If you’re planning on riding an MP3, you need to be prepared to become popular. Not from other motorcyclists, as they will think themselves above you, as if riding on two wheels were truly the stuff of geniuses, and you’re still in junior high, but from people in cars, on foot in crosswalks, on Rascals, and any other non-gearhead on Earth. These people want to know EVERYTHING about the spacecraft you’re riding. I do feel compelled to share, however, the story of the Harley-riding bikers I met on Mulholland Drive, the burlier of which I pressured into taking the MP3 for a quick test drive. He came back giggling and said that I had made his day, and that he had better get one for his wife so that he could ride it while she was at work. He insisted, however, that I not air the pictures of him on the MP3 or his friends would find out.

Tim was right: like fuckin’ a fat chick indeed.

Here we have spy shots of the new Mercedes-Benz CLS – class interior, and I have to say, just like the new E-class, it looks terrible. I don’t know what they are thinking over there, really. The last-gen E-class had a beautiful, leather-covered dash and console, and this new rubbery-foam, angular dashboard really disappoints, especially in the CLS class, which has one of the best exterior designs in the business. [Source: WorldCarFans]

I don’t know what it is about the sidecar that’s so cool. In the first half of the 20th century, they provided a cheap alternative to a car and were quite popular. However, as motorcycle technology as improved, the popularity of the sidecar has faded. Most motorcycles today have seating space for two, with saddle bags and boxes optional. Some touring bikes have even more storage space than a small car! The sidecar also eliminates leaning the bike into a turn, removing 90% of the reason for riding a bike in the first place. On the other hand, a sidecar allows for total creativity in design, as things like handling, aerodynamics, and practicality are pretty much out the window with these things. Which brings me to the point, as friend of the show Bill Montana sent me this giant gallery of amazing sidecars! Hit the jump to check out some of the most creative sidecars ever!  [Source: AnunciAutos]

Welcome to Bizarre Road Trip Sightings, where we cock our heads, laugh, cry, or just stare at strange cars found while on road trips. This time, we found a guy who can’t seem to figure out how to properly use a trailer.

From TST friend Vinny Russo.

Got a Bizarre Road Trip Sighting? Email Matt@TheSmokingTire.com

I hate auto shows. I know how sacrelige that is to say, but they bore me. I’d just rather be driving. So, when it comes to LA Auto Show time, I just gotta make a shady quasi-homosexual appearance on FLD! But watch the whole thing, because in this episode of FLD, D-rock’s energy is just insane….

It’s been too long since I made an appearance on Fast Lane Daily, so when they came out for the LA Auto Show it was only right that I deliver them a Pizza…. on a $16,000 Moto Guzzi Stelvio 1200QV!

According to some on the Interwebs, the Mazda Miata is “girly.” Says who?

In order to compensate (ahem) for this shocking heresy, here is a collection of wild, wacky, and shocking body kits, culled from various Japanese sources. Many of these kits were offered by Japanese tuners and performance companies during the mid-90s, when the first-gen Miata was a darling of the tuner scene. Turns out, with its diminutive looks and self-professed British inspiration, the Miata is also a darling of the aftermarket retro movement that we gaijin just couldn’t understand.

Included in the list are kits to turn your Miata into a clone of an Austin-Healey Sprite, a Lotus Elan, a Toyota Supra, a Ferrari Daytona, a Dodge Viper, a cross between a Jaguar XK120 and an Oshkosh Striker 4500 Aircraft Rescue Vehicle, a surprised chipmunk, or some sort of prehistoric fish. Many of the kits are variations on a theme: enlarged lower lip, bolt-on fender flares, big-block 5-spoke wheels, and the occasional skyscraper rear wing usually round out the package. And if you’re going to add foglights, evidently, it’s go big or go home.

But there’s the occasional complete body transformation designed to draw from the Miata’s Euro-roadster influence, turning the traditional underpinnings of the Miata into something you won’t likely see in the 7-11 parking lot. Want a completely new roadster that will turn heads? Enjoy tweedy European looks and good ol’ Mazda reliability, through a set of ill-fitting fiberglass fenders and countless man-hours of do-it-yourself cutting and swearing! The quirky Japanese love of retro-European styling is alive and well here: who knew bolting on a pseudo-250 GTO rear end on the shape of a boiled sausage could be so vaguely convincing?

Not enough? Here’s another collection of wacky kits, but this time with the intention to transform your worn-out Miata into a completely new car. Can’t shell out the $450,000 to buy one of the 842 T0yota 2000GTs built? Just turn your Miata into one! Think big here: Mustangs, MG TDs, even an Aston Martin – the sky’s the limit when it comes to assuming a new identity. You can even get away with a Cobra replica, but don’t be sad when bystanders anticipate a snarling Ford V8 and are disappointed with a lightweight Asian-built 4-cylinder instead. (There’s a metaphor in there somewhere.) But hey, Carroll Shelby’s done worse.

Or you could just paint your Miata pink—very pink. That’ll show the “girly” crowd!

And if anybody knows any more info on any of these kits, feel free to enlighten us in the comments.

- Blake Rong

To me, cars are like pizza. I love pizza, always have and always will. I can find a way to enjoy a bad car, the same way if someone hands me a cold slice, I’ll still enjoy it. These days tuning-shops are like great pizza places; there’s many to choose from, the product is always delicious, but they’re all using roughly the same formula. Dough, sauce, cheese, bake; pizza. 997 Turbo, add boost, add exhaust, bake at $50,000; awesome 911. I love 911 Turbos, and when EVOMS puts out a fresh one with their high-quality ingredients I just love them a little more.

But sometimes you walk by a shop that’s making something you’ve never seen before. The ingredients are weird, the idea insane; yet it smells incredible and there’s a line around the block. That’s the case when it comes to Z Cars, a full-service tuning-shop in East Yorkshire ran by fabrication wizard Chris Allanson. He takes old Minis, strips them down, stuffs them with horsepower, and sells them to those that hunger for something different. It may seem crazy in this modern world of easily modded Evos and GTRs to try to make something out of old Rover Minis and crashed Yamaha R1s, but I must say, the final product is incredible.

Z Cars has been around since 1996. At age 50 Chris Allanson had been a police officer for 26 years, and had been building cars in his garage for 30. So he decided it was time to play for keeps, and opened Z Cars, specializing in Mini’s. Not the new MINIs you see every day driven by soccer moms and Auto-Xers, old school Minis. A strange platform for tuning perhaps. Last time I saw an old Mini Jason Bourne was bouncing one down a flight of stairs. Maybe it’s this durability. Or maybe it’s because Chris found a way to put a turbo R1 motor in…the trunk.

And why not? Everyone loves a Mini. While America only recently fell for them, folks in the U.K. Are in the golden years of a marriage. Mini’s were produced non-stop from 1959 to 2000, in numerous countries around the world. While the rest of the world was using the traditional front-engined RWD platform, Mini stuffed everything in the front of a cute little body, and it worked. If you drive a FWD car right now, thank the Mini.

So important to the auto world was the Mini it was voted the second-most influential car of the century behind the Ford Model T; no small award. Its sales may have dwindled toward the end, but it had firmly planted its feet in the hearts of millions. And they weren’t out of production longer than a sneeze. In 2000 BMW bought the Rover Group (the owner of the Mini) and re-designed the Mini (calling it the MINI) which is the class-leading car we see today.

And it wasn’t just the cute practicality people loved, their fantastic handling expanded the fan-base. Rally racers, Auto-Xers and weekend warriors all found them to be potent little cars with decent acceleration and bags of grip. But that was then. Horsepower is too plentiful these days, and Mini owners wanted some.

That’s where Mr. Allanson steps in.

What he does is transform your Mini into a rear-engined RWD go-kart-with-doors. It may sound like an Episode of Monster Garage but its much more than that.

Hop on the Z Cars’ website and you are presented with several performance options for your Mini. They offer rear-engine kits for Honda, Volvo or motorcycle engines. The base kit is about $9,000 . For that price Z Cars will ship you a kit with sub-frames, brakes, cables, bolts and mounts;everything you need to give your old mini a new rear-mounted heart. You pick the engine and put it all together in your garage. If you have no thumbs, order the “factory built” model, complete with a full tube frame with cage. The rolling chassis alone makes me laugh. It looks like a 12 year old stole the engine from his mom’s Volvo and bolted it to his go-kart.

With the new power, Chris basically combines Speedy Gonzalez and Mighty Mouse. A stock R1 engine gives you a healthy 175 horsepower. In a car that weighs as much as a daffodil you can hit 60 in under 5 seconds. But personally, I don’t just want to know I have power, I want it to make its presence known like a punch in the back of the head. Choose the 400hp supercharged Honda engine. Now you’re reaching 60 mph in 2.8 seconds. Imagine the satisfaction of pulling up next to a banker in his new SL65AMG, with his collagen-inflated wife next to him, and absolutely decimating him. It’s the little things that enrich your life.

Miraculously, the chassis handles the new power just fine. Changes in direction happen as fast as your neurons can fire. Lifting the inside tire mid-corner seems to be a requirement. They’re incredible to watch, bouncing off of apexes like a pinball. But be careful. While they have tremendous grip, the combination of big power, tight steering and a short wheel base makes them a bit twitchy. After watching a few videos I thought of the Tasmanian devil; so much energy inside that he was about to explode out of his own skin. Sporting flared fenders and custom paint, the end result is a gorgeous car that looks like it just rolled out of a factory in 1961, with 21^st century performance.

And Z Cars U.K. is not a one-trick pony. From that starting point, Z Cars has expanded into a talented custom shop, using brilliant innovation and engineering to turn out amazing custom projects.

Exhibit “A”: The Batmobile. Yes, I said Batmobile. One day Chris got a phone call from an entrepreneur named Paul Garlick. He wanted to build a replica of the Batmobile from the 1989 film, Batman. He had called numerous London shops, but no one would take on the project. Z Cars did. Chris’s philosophy is simple, “When someone rings up and asks, “Will you do it?”, we say we will, no matter how hard it is.” In early 2008, after 18 months, $250,000 and hundreds of hours the car was finished. The body is even made from the original molds from the movie, but it wasn’t a plug-and-play project. After molding it still required 500 man-hours to fit right. Everything else, even the wheels, were custom-made by Z Cars. Its powered by a twin-turbo 5.7 liter V-8 and will reach 130mph. This is what makes Z Cars special. They are happy to build screaming Minis every day, but this is the stuff that feeds Allanson’s soul.

But the most exciting example of their ingenuity is the Z Car Ultima, shown below. Ultimas are super-cars you can build yourself, and have been around about 20 years. Recently their notoriety went up when one broke the lap record of Top Gear’s test track, with a video being re-posted everywhere. Not only did it beat the cars on the Power Board, it took down Shumacher’s mighty FXX. And that car is tame compared to the Z Cars Ultima. It was destined from the beginning to be-and there’s no other word for it-insane.

Like the Batmobile, it started with a ring. “I got a telephone call out of the blue from a chap called David Gomez from Spain, and he said “can you build me the fastest car in the world?”, I said “what are you after”, and He replied, “ I want you to build me a car that looks a million dollars and has two turbo Hyabusa engines a thousand bhp and four wheel drive”, “Ok” I said “leave it to me”.

That again is why I am such a fan of Allanson and Z Cars. Pitching that idea to most tuner-shops would be an exercise in rejection and after seeing the amount of thought, design, and amazing engineering that went into this car, I wouldn’t blame them. I was pretty good with Legos, I re-built a Pontiac V-8 once, but there is no way I could fabricate a twin-engine AWD car. If I even sat down and tried the PC “blue screen” would probably show up on my eyeballs.

The project started with picking a chassis. The Ultima proved a perfect choice; it had room for the engines and was light. Then the real work began; building front and rear drive-shafts, new LSDs for both front and rear, and driveshafts fore and aft. They were essentially designing an all new AWD system. Then the two 500hp turbo-Hyabusa engines had to be synchronized and routed to the wheels. In the end one engine drives the front wheels, and one drives the back but both engines use the same clutch. Not the usual large pepperoni is it?

But Chris did it, and the result is unreal. 2100Lbs, 2 engines, 1000hp, AWD. A Bugatti Veyron makes 500hp per ton. This makes 1020hp per ton. Good lord. This isn’t a car, it’s a skateboard with a rocket tied on. There is only one performance figure available right now, but its a good one. 100-180mph in 3.5 seconds. Congrats Mr. Allanson, you’ve invented the first teleportation device. This car is hugely impressive; I can’t think of anything street-legal that can match its speed. But more than that, it is a demonstration of what Z Cars is capable of. It started life as a Frankenstein’s monster; body of an Ultima, hearts of a ‘Busa, Lambo brakes. Yet somehow “Dr.” Allanson was able to take these parts and instead of a freak, he made Superman.

From brilliant Mini kits to a real-life Batmobile to a one-off hyper-car, there is nothing Z Cars can’t do. Their work is technically impressive but also just plain fun. I can only imagine how fun a Z Car Mini would be. Watching them go is like giving a Leprechaun 18 Red Bulls, a Stallone-sized dose of HGH, a slap on the ass and yelling, “Now go find that gold!” Well that kind of fun just got a whole lot more accessible to those of us who car-pooled with Columbus, because Z Cars is opening a U.S. location in Northern California. I can’t wait to see what they cook up, because their parent-location makes best pizza I’ve had in a while.

When I was younger, I would spend my weekends hopping from dealership to dealership test-driving cars. I looked older, and dressed the part, which made my lies to salesmen more believable. As I have gotten older, I have gained increasingly more access to test vehicles, and my dealership experience has faded.

But in this series, I go back to my roots and begin to test-drive cars straight off dealership lots, because, well, I gotta get cars somehow. Besides, when you limit yourself to driving only very good sports cars, your perceptions of reality can get a little warped. That’s why, in this series, I’m going to try to stay away from sports cars.

This week, I drove three small, German SUV’s, the Mercedes GLK350, BMW X3 3.0 Xdrive, and Audi Q5 3.2. I hate this class of vehicle, especially since these vehicles offer less sport, and barely more utility than a station wagon, yet cost thousands more.

The Evidence (base price shown)

Audi Q5: $37,200

Audi A4 Avant: $34,500

Mercedes GLK350: $35,475

Mercedes C300 (sedan quoted, wagon available 2011): $33,600

BMW X3 3.0 XDrive: $39,575

BMW 328i Wagon: $35,400

Granted, the SUV’s offer more base power than their wagon counterparts, but with more mass to move, it’s easy to understand why the power is needed. Despite my hatred of the small SUV, we press on with the comparison:

Third Place: Mercedes GLK350

May as well come out and say it: the GLK is impossibly ugly. The exterior styling, while making an effort to be futuristic and edgy, comes off as neither. It looks like someone raised the roof, literally, on a C-class, then hacked off the trunk. Mercedes says that the GLK’s “design language” is based on the G-class, a 30-year old design that, for some reason, continues to sell to overindulgent morons in Hollywood like Megan Fox and Hilary Duff. I don’t see the styling connection, as it looks much more like the GL-class than the original G. Besides, even if it is any good off road, no one will ever know, because no one who knows they will be off-roading when thinking of buying a new car would ever consider the GLK, especially one fitted with the optional 20″ wheels.

My test car’s window sticker read $40,600, the cheapest as-tested price of this group. It included the Premium Package ($3,150), Sport Package ($900), and iPod integration ($375). The car did not have the COMMAND navigation system, which comes with a backup camera and costs another $3,000.

The interior is about what you’d expect: good fit and finish, great visibility out of the car, which makes sense given the upright seating position and generous amount of glass, and comfortable front seats, if lacking bolstering. I was pleasantly surprised to see real brushed aluminum used in the dash and trim, and then that surprise was offset by my shock at how much hard plastic is used in the interior. The dash, door panels, center console, and rear cargo area are all trimmed out in plastic. I was also disappointed in the lack of a better leather option, if you could even call it that. The salesman assured me that it’s real leather, I didn’t believe him for a second, and I have since learned that there will be a better “Upholstery Package” offered in 2010. It couldn’t come soon enough. The front, power operated driver’s seat has plenty of legroom and headroom for my large frame, and rear seat room was a close second in this test, slightly roomier than the Audi and tigher than the BMW. The front passenger seat had full, manual controls, and though it was just as roomy, a car at this price point really should have full power seats. I don’t understand why Mercedes would install a power steering wheel and not a power front seat, when its clear which would be more useful. The rear seats fold flat, a standard in this class, providing plenty of storage space.

Driving the GLK350 could best be described as “bland,” which is probably what the kind of aspirational appliance-seeker who would buy it wants. Its 268hp 3.5L V6 makes more than enough power to get the GLK from A to B, and not nearly enough power to have fun along the way. Its 258 lb/ft of torque are highest in this test, though, and it does scoot off the line with very little pedal effort. The salesman assured me that by putting the 7-speed SelectShift transmission in “sport” and shifting myself, that it would be more fun. It wasn’t. Upshifts took a full “one, Mississippi” count, and throttle-blips on downshifts would be way too much to ask. The GLK is one of those “throw it in D” kind of cars. The brakes work adequately for around-town commuting, though the pedal suffers from a serious case of the squishies. Expected fuel economy is about 18mpg overall, or 22/16 on the EPA scale. Unsurprisingly, Mercedes recommends 91 octane or higher.

Despite the $7,000 as-tested advantage over the other two vehicles in this test, the GLK was a clear dead last. It felt least attached to its luxury heritage, least equipped, and, in my opinion, the worst styling.

Good: You can tell your friends you drive a Mercedes, even if just barely.

Bad: An attempt at an aggressive, sporty SUV resulted in a tall wagon that’s anything but aggressive or sporty.

The Smoking Tire: A Mercury Mariner is more comfortable, just as functional, and better looking, for $10,000 less.

Second Place: BMW X3 3.0 XDrive

The aging X3 is the oldest design of this segment, first appearing on the market in 2004 with the anemic 2.5L engine and lack of performance to match. The good news is that, since then, BMW has decided to paint the trim body color and add the 3.0L 260hp engine to the X3, an improvement of 76hp from the original model. Unfortunately, not much else has changed. The X3 is still hideous, but now with front and rear fascias which attempt to mimic its big brother the X5. Sadly, the exterior proportions are still very awkward: it’s squat, yet upright, it looks more like a misshapen 3-series than a member of the X family.

Things get better inside, as the Bimmer’s leather is best-of-the group. The doors are sculpted and stitched with high quality, soft leather, and the door handles are works of metallic art. In typical BMW fashion, the steering wheel is thick and has just the right amount of padding, and is also fully adjustable, albeit manually. The dash, like the current-generation 3 and 5 series, doesn’t angle towards the driver, as it does in the Audi, it bulges in the center and gets narrower towards either door, a somewhat awkward proportion. Climate controls are standard BMW fare, except I still don’t understand why there’s a hot/cold selector knob in between the two center vents. Every BMW I have driven since I turned 16 has had this feature, and I don’t know any more about it now than I did then. If the climate system is indeed fully automatic, as it appears to be, then why the second control knob? The salesman, nice as he was, couldn’t explain its presence either, and once my questions about it fully confused him, I stopped asking. Immediately noticeable on my $48,000 test vehicle was the strange lack of iDrive. Instead, the X3 has a pop-up screen with the average-at-best Navigation system most commonly used in the E46 3-series and E39 5-series. Don’t get me wrong; it worked great, in 2002. Next year, the X3 is due in for a redesign, no doubt including iDrive. The X3 does get points, however, for the roomiest and best upholstered rear seat.

The X3’s strong suit is the slickr’n greased owl shit 3-liter straight six. Though it’s the least powerful of the three, it’s only just, and it pulls the car without a single vibration felt through the chassis or steering wheel. This is an engine that is so refined at this point, I doubt it could get any better, except, maybe, by strapping on a couple turbos. Oh, wait, they already did that. In fact, why isn’t that engine offered? Nevertheless, the X3 is the lightest of the bunch, so it’s slight power deficiency isn’t too detrimental. BMW hasn’t gotten around to updating the X3 with their “Flight Simulator” shifter offered in the 5-series and X5/6 yet, but at least the shift lever has the right orientation for performance driving, with upshifts requiring a pull, and downshifts a push. The brakes are effective, yet almost too immediate with their response, and they require a gentle foot, unless you don’t mind your passengers’ beverages all over the windshield. Steering feel has always been BMW’s strong suit, and that’s one area where the X3 doesn’t disappoint. The weighted feel and perfect amount of road/driver communication really do remind you that you’re driving a BMW. And EPA figures of 16/23 put the X3 ahead of the Benz and just behind the Q5. Of course, that’s premium fuel.

The biggest problem the BMW faces is its price. The base price of $39,995 is over $2,700 more than the Audi, and over $5,000 more than the Benz, and both of those cars come with way more standard features. Fully optioned out, the Bimmer will cross the big five-oh. My test car stickered at $48,650, the highest in this test. Considering the BMW is an aging design with the least amount of tech goodies, value is out the window. Not surprisingly, it seems that even in the world of small SUV’s, the BMW-tax applies.

Good: Sportiest of the bunch, most rear seat room

Bad: The most desirable options make the X3 very expensive quickly.

The Smoking Tire: Just as ugly as ever, but hey, it steers like a BMW.

First Place: Audi Q5 3.2 Quattro

Like the GLK, the Audi Q5 is new for this year. Following in the footsteps of the ugly-but-successful Q7 SUV, the Q5 downsizes a bit, in keeping with the societal themes of the last couple of years. I was surprised that the Q5 actually looks better than the Q7; Ingolstadt’s finest smoothed and lowered the bulbous waistline of the Q7 into a flowing, more compact design with the Q5. The Q5 also loses the Q7’s monster air dam, a vast improvement. Where the X3 fails to “shrink” the X5, the Q5 succeeds in shrinking the Q7. Audi’s trademark big-mouth bass grille and LED running lights seem a bit much for the Q5; I’d preferred if Audi had reserved the LED’s for only its high-performance models.

By this point, everyone already knows Audi puts together stellar interiors, so I won’t beat a dead horse. The interior design language first seen on the A6 has tricled to the A/S5, the A/S4, and now the Q5, and in each of these models, it works flawlessly. The center console features the largest and brightest LCD screen of the three, and though it takes a few days to get used to Audi’s MMI system, navigating between menus using the large buttons is very easy. But, why does the scroll wheel go the wrong way? To scroll down, you turn counter-clockwise, which is the exact opposite of every scrolling wheel, ever. The steering wheel, while not as thick as the BMW’s, has multifunction controls as standard, and is wrapped in very soft leather. Front seats are full power standard, and the rear seat can remotely fold down using a button in the cargo area. They must be lifted back up manually with a lever on either side of the rear bench, a very simple process. Most disappointing about the Q5 is the lack of rear seat legroom; anyone with over a 32 inch inseam would get out of the car with bruised knees. Headroom is exceptional in both the front and back seats. Strangely, Edmunds.com’s car comparing website shows the Q5 with more rear legroom than both the GLK and X3, contrary to my experience.

The Q5’s 3.2 Liter, direct injection V6 makes 270hp, the most of the three, but by only 2hp over the GLK. There is only a 10 horsepower spread from least to most in this test, and the weight spread is only 150lbs, so acceleration, braking, and handling numbers are all going to be very similar. More importantly, the Q5’s transmission is noticeably quicker than both the X3 and GLK, especially in manual mode. On the other hand, the transmission in question actually hiccupped, hard, after flooring it and jumping off the gas quickly in “Sport Auto” mode. At least all three come with identical 4year/50k mile warranties. And if you keep your foot out of it, the Q5 will manage 18/23 MPG with the longest range of the group, 455 miles.

The good news is that the Q5 has a relatively low base price of $37,500. The bad news is that the premium package, which includes all the goodies you’d expect from a luxury car, is $4,000, meaning the odds of actually getting one for less than $40,000 are just about zero. Want navigation and a backup camera? That’ll be another $3,000 please. My test car stickered at $47,915, which is just about where I say the Q5, like the X3, isn’t worth the money. I’d say skip the navigation and get a TomTom. You still get the LCD screen and MMI interface, even without it. And if you really think you need a backup camera, save your money and get some driving lessons.

The best thing I can say about the Q5 though, is that it really is very similar to the A4 Avant both in interior feel and driving dynamics. And that’s the biggest compliment offered in this test.

Good: All the stuff you like about other Audis applies here

Bad: No 2.0T or TDI engine available, options get expensive quickly.

The Smoking Tire: Best of the three, but still a car you’d buy for your mom.

I wouldn’t buy any of these cars. Not because there is anything inherently wrong with them, or because they don’t perform as advertised, but because I see them all as pointless vehicles. I would never buy an SUV that doesn’t do anything that a station wagon wouldn’t. I spent a week with an A4 Avant, during which time it snowed nearly a foot, and I had to help a friend move a bunch of boxes. I even drove the Avant on a snow-covered Monticello Motor Club’s road course at very high speed, drifting the whole way. And none of it was even remotely a problem for the wagon. It looked better, went faster, cost less, and got better fuel economy than the Q5 as well. The A4 is just an example, BMW and Mercedes also make equally capable, and proportionately cheaper station wagons. And lets be honest with ourselves here: no one, and I mean less than 1% of owners, will ever drive any of these pseudo-SUV’s off road. Both the BMW and Audi come with hill-descent control standard, and if that button ever gets pressed it’s because the driveway is a bit icy, not because they need to get down safely from Everest Base Camp.

There was always a possibility that one of the three cars in this weeks Dealership Experience  would change my mind about small SUV’s, even though ultimately that wasn’t the case. These three cars all function in a very similar way and offer similar equipment at a similar price. It really makes me feel like car companies today are simply imagining holes in the market that really don’t need to be there. I know there’s nothing in between the E-class wagon and the ML or R class SUV’s, but do we really need a tiny little box running around pretending to be an SUV?  Not really. Does raising the roof and putting big tires on a 3-series make it do anything the 328xi Wagon won’t do? Not really. Are Audi customers really finding their Avants too mommy-like that they need a small SUV? Grow up, wagons drive exactly like sedans, they just hold more stuff.

Alternatively, I’d like to encourage everyone to try everything out for themselves, maybe you’ll see something I missed. If you’re looking at a small SUV, try a wagon, and if you’re looking at a wagon, try a small SUV. The sales don’t lie.

“There is no charge for awesomeness.”
- Kung Fu Panda

Well, maybe 550,000 Euros.

Lamborghini is not a company known for convertibles, ironically enough. For a line of cars designed to be the most outrageous, attention-grabbing Freudian extensions known to man, there’s not been a single car designed from the onset to show off your Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses and let your hair extensions blow freely in the humid Miami sun. After all, what’s more attention-grabbing than driving a car that exposes you to gawkers, the elements and pigeon droppings alike? If attention is what you crave (and it’s surely what Lamborghini owners crave) surely a convertible would only add to the insanity.

But unlike Porsche, Mercedes, Ferrari and even Koenigsegg, Lamborghini’s open-air dream machines been half-assed on a scale known only to the builders of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge. Lamborghini’s entire engineering process consists of taking a Sawzall to the center of their latest and greatest and leaving owners a Boy Scout pup tent and some matchsticks to cover up the gaping hole. Oh sure, the marketing materials can go on about “rigidity” and “balance,” but when the owner’s manual tells you that the awkward-fitting canvas top is only meant for “emergencies,” “not to be driven over 100mph,” and “may be susceptible to spontaneous combustion,” you know the fine people at Automobili Lamborghini S.p.A. just plain don’t frega un cazzo.

This special Lamborghini Countach follows the Lamborghini convertible strategy to a tee—well, aside from a few differences, such as the fact that it’s an aftermarket conversion and Lamborghini had nothing to do with it. The principle is still there: how do you make one of the most outrageous cars in the world even more outrageous? Take the roof off, and give it to Sir Rod Stewart.

In fact, the radness of the car featured here can only be counted scientifically lest we risk blowing people’s minds. What we know is this:

1. The Countach is, arguably, the most legendary of Lamborghinis, already the raddest of cars.
2. Open-topped cars are awesome by nature. (See: early Ford Broncos, any Trans Am, etc.)
3. It was owned by “The Rod,” who was such a rock titan the Queen had him knighted.

This trifecta of unholy earth-shattering celebrity-touched coolness can be yours, mere mortal, for a 550,000 Euro asking price from French dealer Autodrome Paris. For those of us keeping score in the Colonies, that’s $825,242.02 dollars, give or take a few McDonald’s Double Cheeseburgers. What do you get for all that lettuce?

You get a fine example from Mardikian Engineering, founded by Californian entrepreneur Al Mardikian. During the Dark Ages of strangled emissions controls, Mardikian made a tidy profit restoring European exotica to their rightful power outputs, uprating Porsche 911 Turbos and Ferrari 308s past their European counterparts while balancing the nefarious government emissions regulations. His other side projects at his laboratory included turbocharging Rolls-Royce Camargues, providing the Corvette-based Ferrari Daytona replicas for Miami Vice, inspiring Tom Cruise’s character in the film Rain Man, and going to prison for tax evasion. If the 80s were embodied in one person, it would have been the love child of Mardikian and Burt Reynolds.

Mardikian’s masterwork was this 1977 Countach LP400 Spider. It featured a removable roof that presumably came with a list of personal-injury attorneys to call in case of installation mishaps. The regular Countach’s miserable mail-slot side windows also became detachable, leaving only a “roadster” window extending halfway up the sides. Mardikian’s brochure cover featured it with the infamous LP400S wing and larger gold wheels, which have subsequently been removed in the never-ending quest for good taste. The result is a startlingly sleek barchetta that bridges the gap between Gandini’s original futuristic design and the cheesy fender-flared excesses of the Cannonball Run days.

How do you make an outrageous car even more outrageous? What a difference lopping off the roof section makes: it transforms a special car, already given to excess, to even more of it. Is it any wonder that a rock star like Rod Stewart would own something like this, flying about the South of France in leather Spandex and leopardskin shirt open to his navel, grinning wildly and speeding too fast while Britt Ekland clutches his leg for dear life?

And now, for a meager, negotiable* sum, you can live the dream.

*Negotiable only for your soul.

“The Mythical Rod Stewart’s” Lamborghini Countach LP400 Spider

- Blake Rong

Clearly I wore the right shirt for the occasion. On The Fox News Car Report, we discuss the new Lexus LF-A, and of course, my personal area of expertise, the Ford F-150 Raptor

In the supercar world, everyone wants the newest thing. It’s like the schoolyard at recess; the newest toy is the fad of the week. “Oh loooook, little Timmy Kesler has a nifty Gallardo! Too bad he didn’t wait for the Superleggera  model like I did! See this Timmy? That’s where the laser guns mount on my cool spoiler. It’s ok though, maybe you can pick up a used one in a few weeks.” Supercar models stay current for a little while, at best, and then they are sent out to pasture to make way for the next technology-laden street beast. Whatever comes next will always have more power, more leather, more carbon fiber…more cowbell.

But the newest kid on the block isn’t always the fastest. Sometimes there’s a car that had been over-shadowed, perhaps by a new younger brother named LP560-4. And like a high-school B movie, the younger brother is really fast, and friendly, and everyone likes him soooo much. But Murcielago, by name, is not a car to go out easy. It was named after a fighting bull that survived 24 sword strikes. It was so strong and fought with so much soul and determination that the bullfight was stopped and the bull was allowed to live. What’s in a name? Quite a bit apparently, the older brother isn’t going out without a fight either. He’s been in the basement hitting the weights. Hard.

The car of course is the Lamborghini Murcielago. Lamborghini recently released its LP670 SV this year,to celebrate the end of the Murcielago platform it’s built on.  While the next super car from Lamborghini will no doubt be a little faster, lighter (and hopefully prettier) than the outgoing car, Jason Heffner at HEFFNER PERFORMANCE thinks there’s still some life in the old bull. In fact, after he puts your Murcielago through his “training camp”, few cars will be able to step into the ring without soiling their belly pans.

Meet HEFFNER PERFORMANCE’s Lamborghini Murcielago Twin-Turbo. The R&D is finished, the work is done (almost), and the results are insane. Let’s skip ahead to the number you all want; 1100. Yes that’s the horsepower output that resulted from months of R&D. Oh geez, I almost forgot— that’s 1100hp to the wheels. This car has achieved power levels normally reserved for Supras with a turbo the size of a patio table, or maybe a Nova sporting a 454 with a supercharger and blue bottle in the trunk. At 1 bar (14.5 psi.) of boost, on a 100-degree day, the car put down 1114 WHP.

Here are the words from HEFFNER on the performance:

“In 90 degree heat the car pulled off a 5.10 second 60-130 at around 950 RWHP. For reference a stock 580 horsepower Murcielago takes around 9.5 seconds to make the leap from 60 to 130. With a little more boost it will dip into the 4 second range for sure.”

For comparison; a Bugatti Veyron takes 5.6 seconds to make the same jump, a Saleen S7 TT takes 6.1, and Ferrari’s beloved Enzo takes a sleepy  7.3. The acceleration of this car is absolutely astonishing. Judging from the in-car video it goes from 5-155mph in only 11 seconds, using a manual transmission. I’m sure the E-gear option could shave some time– and did I mention this was done using the “mild tune” of only 800WHP? Lamborghinis have always been about speed, sound, emotion, wild designs, and a wild (good or bad) ride. This is like Lamborghini squared. This package not only gives you one of the fastest cars on the planet, it won’t be in danger of being passed up by the supercar of the week. It won’t matter how many “AMG” badges it has, how pretty its new wheels are, or how efficient the engineers think an Alcantara-wrapped drive-shaft will be; this will be faster.

Even if you forget the performance, the finished product is beautiful. HEFFNER must spend as much time thinking about how their products will look as they do how they will perform, because the resulting twin turbo piping is stunning. It looks like an OEM piece with the artistic touch Italian cars are known for. It doesn’t look like someone built that kit for the car; it looks like it was built with the car. Your eye can’t help but appreciate how the curved and polished turbo piping sweeps back into the engine bay. Its like everything in the car is directing energy backwards. I expected to see an afterburner shooting a 10-foot flame during the dyno run. I have found myself looking at the engine bay pictures over and over. Engine bays rarely look this good while providing that much power. The combination of the two has stuck this Murcielago TT to my own personal “cool wall” with superglue. If you have a Murcielago that you love, and it just needs a little freshening up, take it to Heffner Performance. And if you just ordered your dandelion-fresh LP560-4, don’t be glum, because HEFFNER is putting the finishing touches on it’s twin-turbo kit for that too. As if that car wasn’t popular enough.

Most car companies build cars that are, in essence, about function.  Then there are those companies whose engineers came out of the womb spouting on about power to weight ratios and throttle response times. The men in these factories knew the word “supercar” before their own name. Of course, we are talking about the boys over in Italy, more specifically, the artisans at Ferrari.  The headmaster and man for whom the company got its name, Enzo Ferrari, was quoted as saying “Anyone who buys our road cars in a damned fool”. Maybe he was right, as there are very few Ferrari’s in the history of the company that prefer to be run at pedestrian speeds.  On the other hand, try telling that to the collectors who now own the multi-million dollar examples of Enzo’s early work. I imagine they would beg to differ. Who knows what old man Ferrari would say about the newest prancing horse to come off the assembly line?

Ferrari’s most recent mid-engined models, namely the 430 and 360, seemed to miss the mark when it came to beauty. Do not get me wrong, I am not bashing these cars, for they are technical marvels. It is just, and I may be nitpicking here, they were not exactly lookers. They were not ugly by any means. However, they were not as pretty as say a Murcielago. Keep in mind we are talking about the normal versions of the 430 and 360, not the Challenge Stradale or Scuderia. Think of it this way, it is like making it to the NBA finals and losing. Sure, you have to be on your game to actually make it that far, but for the rest of your life you will think; what if? You could not help but think about what it would be like to have actually won the whole thing. It is the same with the 430 and 360. Are they amazing cars? Yes. Would I own one in a heartbeat? Half a heartbeat. But are there better options in the supercar world? Absolutely. Therein lies the problem because you will always think, what if I owned the [insert prettier super car]?

You may be thinking that all is not well in the world of horsepower. Trust me. Everything is fine. Apparently, Maranello heard the cries of agony over the styling of the 360 and then the echo of those cries with the 430. For the past two generations it had seemed as though Pininfarina decided to “pull a Porsche” in some regards. Not anymore.

Just last month, Ferrari invited select clients to an unveiling of a new model at the factory in Maranello. The aptly named Ferrari 458 Italia is what was seen by those select invitees. I know many of you Ferrari fan boys will need to know nothing more, having just wet yourself with excitement. But for those of you that understand that there is more to life than just Ferrari, you will want to stick around. And now that our freshly dressed friends have joined us again, let us get to the good stuff, shall we? From spy shots to flesh, you can tell one thing very quickly: the new 458 is a striking car. Because the subject of styling is so subjective, you can draw your own conclusions, but I think it is a measurable step forward. It blends aggressiveness and style in such a way that I feel like waxing it would be like giving a supermodel a massage. I am not a fan of the fish scale LED front lights, but that seems to be the trend as of late. The incorporation of the Enzo-styled light assemblies really tie up the rear end nicely. The best part of the car is the entire rear structure. Just look at an overhead shot and you can see how the designers built the roofline to flow under the rear fender and engine cover assemblies. It looks amazing. It will not be until we finally see these cars in person that we can truly appreciate all the minute details included to make the car perform at the highest of levels.

Following the official release at the Frankfurt motor show the specs were dished out to the eagerly awaiting public. We are talking about a 560hp V8, which will propel the car from 0-60mph in under 3.4 seconds. This engine, mated to a 7-speed dual clutch gearbox, is supposed to help on fuel economy. Seriously? We want our six speed manual back. The rumor (at the time of this writing) is that a manual gearbox is not an option. These cars are not made to help the environment, they are meant to rewrite the laws of physics on the inside of your skull with a hammer and chisel. If I wanted a sporty car that can get 17.2mpg (reported mpg of 458) I would buy an M3. But, that is neither here nor there.

These cars are created from passion and in this case, you can have over 200mph of passion at your disposal.  While we may not know how this car drives for a while, I can assure you that the waiting list for this car is overflowing.  Just wait until we get the lightweight version of this, it is going to be a monster. More mental hospitals will have to open for the people who simply go crazy over the numbers it will put up. Meanwhile, keep it tuned to The Smoking Tire every Tuesday to get your car fix. That should keep you sane.

- Andrew Elliot