The Smoking Tire heads to Daytona Beach, FL to follow Turner Motosports as they enter the Rolex 24 Hours of Daytona. It’s the 50th year of the legendary race and they’ve brought 2 nasty E92 BMW M3 GTs to compete. (Turn your volume up for the in-car footage; they sound incredible.)  In part 1 we meet the team and watch the drivers take the cars out for final  testing, addressing issues like tire wear, over-steer and night-time fatigue. Watch for newcomer, Michael Marsal, ripping past an Audi R8 GT on the outside of the oval. Video after the click.

by Zack K

Last night I was hanging out with our friend and TST podcast member, Chris Hayes, and the news of BMW‘s new diesel M cars came up. We were both excited. They combine huge torque (545 ft-lbs!) with 376HP while getting 36 MPG. Perfect, right? And since the 335d had 51/49 F/R weight distribution, the concern of a heavy nose is gone. Fucking awesome. Except they’re not bring them to the USA. Once again Europe has great fruit we can’t reach. I think the diesel movement is slowly growing here but at a slow rate. Shame. Luxury car buyers would love diesel if they gave it a chance. They feel the torque in a V-8, refer to it as “powerful” and that makes them feel good. But since they rarely wind their cars past 4k, they’re just wasting a good V-8 and a bunch of gas. One day, we’ll get a shot at these. For now, I wrote a little thing I imagine is how a conversation might go with BMW, from the perspective of someone begging them to bring these awesome cars to the USA. Jump for that and the pretty moving picture of the M550d, BMW X5 M50d and BMW X6 M50d.

“BMW is making performance diesel cars! Yes! Score! Finally torque and speed meet efficiency with it costing $1M like the 918. I can’t wait! Put me down for an M550d…What? You’re not selling it in America? Wh…oh because we don’t buy diesels? Well, yea, that’s true but I think there’s potential. Rich people love them some smooth torque. It’s why they buy the silly 550i and CLS550! Nononono not that the CLS and 550i are similar, of course not did I mention what nice, cliche industrial-looking glasses you have?  I’m telling you, Mr. Hansdietrichbeerfranzenscarypeoplewunderbar, I think if you just put a little work into the marketing-explain the power, torque and handling with hybrid-like MPG- you might be surpri….but what if…not going to even try? True, Ed Hardy people don’t buy diesel, we’re working on a detainment program actually…The money is better spent improving the efficiency at which you develop efficiency?… sounds like Germany all right. What about enthusiasts!? Bam! There ya go, they’ll totally – they don’t buy much? K, got me there. They love buying your hats though… Damn you’re efficient at rebuttles…  *sigh*”

We know it’s been a little quiet around here the past few days, and that’s because Matt and the crew are on a 3,000 mile road trip to film 4 episodes for our new show Tuned on the DRIVE Network. We’ll be back to regular posting on Monday, but for now, check out the January issue of the free online magazine Road Lanes, where Matt reviews the new Mercedes C63 Coupe, Lexus’s new “sporty” hybrid, the CT200H, and the BMW R1200R motorcycle!

Check it out at www.roadlanes.com

124 MPG.

That’s the projected MPG of the new Volvo V60 Diesel/Hybrid wagon, due out in 2013. That’s using the UK gallon (bigger), so converted for U.S. it’s 102.3MPG. Still ridiculous. Still astronomical, unbelievable, incredible and unavailable, at least if you live in the U.S. Same thing with Mercedes’ upcoming E300 Bluetech Hybrid. Confused? Curious? Mad? Me too. I don’t know why we can’t get it, but I intend to complain until we can. Read on

3 weeks ago I wondered aloud, “Why can’t we have a diesel hybrid? That would be the perfect drive train for a daily driver. It’s the best combination of torque and efficiency.” Coming on the heels of long drives in diesel cars from BMW and Mercedes I think unless you get a performance model like an AMG or an M car (for the right reasons, not because you liked the stitching on the seats or need to advertise you bank account’s contents) every luxury car should have a diesel motor. They’re quiet, they’re smooth and the torque makes them feel powerful, i.e. expensive. People like torque, because that’s what they feel from a stand still than makes them grab the door handle and get wide-eyed. Very few AMG owners wring their cars out to 6500 RPM at 90MPH. They just want thrust.

A week later the news came down Volvo is making one. “Really? With torque, and efficiency, and quiet, all that jazz?”

Yes. For extra icing on this free-range, Eco-friendly cake you can even plug it in. Based on their V60 wagon platform the car will have a 2.4L 5-cylinder diesel powering the front wheels and an electric motor that powers the back ones. The diesel motor makes 215HP and 324 torque, the electric motor is rated at 70HP (torque figure unavailable from Volvo). It can be driven in an EV for 35 miles, or you can turn on “power” mode and hit 60MPH in 6.2 seconds.

The efficiency (based on the European cycle) is insanely impressive. 124MPG? Even if it was half that, it simultaneously kicks those Prii asses at the pump and the track (no one tracks a Prius, I know). It’s also a wagon, so it has space for stuff. And it has selectable AWD, so you can drive it anywhere a normal person needs to go. In my mind it is the greatest daily driver in the universe.

Mercedes is doing it too; look at the E300 Bluetec diesel hybrid. It uses a hybrid system similar to the E400H hybrid, but with a diesel motor. The 2.1L 4-cylinder makes 200HP and 370 torques. Mercedes says it will get 56MPG, offered as either a wagon or a sedan. I drove the E350 Bluetec a few months ago and it was Frosted Flakes-level grrrreat. Seats, transmission, noise level, looks, feel; all phenomenal in town or on the highway. If I had the money I would buy one. Mercedes says the E350 diesel gets 21/33 MPG but even with 3 people, gear and a slow-cooker plugged in we averaged over 38 MPG.

Remember that number, because the E-class hybrid we are so grateful we can buy here gets 24 MPG city, 31MPG highway, a whopping increase of 4 and 1 (respectively) over the regular gas-powered E350. All that work for 1MPG. What a joke. But people will buy it because hybrids are the iPod of cars. More hybrids are offered every month. Plus, diesel cars don’t come with a cool green leaf badge on them to announce to everyone how much you care about aminals (misspelled for cuteness). Some hybrids get better mileage, but some don’t (Hi X6 Hybrid).  I like everyone’s enthusiasm about saving money the planet but our love of glowing, green balls has blinded us to a better (for now) solution. I know diesel fuel is more expensive, but so is that hybrid option. If you only get 1MPG better with that electric motor how long do you have to drive that car before you save money over the regular car? A while I’m guessing.

The Volvo seems like a huge step for the industry, and it’s not bad to look at either. But…the introductory price is (cover your screen) $75,000. You spit on it, didn’t you? I know it’s insane or at least, insane for a Volvo. But don’t think of it as a Volvo, think of it as a Swiss Army knife that’s also been stuffed with a working socket wrench, a chainsaw and a light saber yet it still fits in your pocket. And Volvo is charging that price for the first 1,000 cars, but if demand was higher the price would surely come down. The BMW X5 diesel we had was about $60k. That car’s 28 MPG is funny car efficiency compared to this thing.

Let’s do some math. The average American male in my age group drives 17,000 miles per year. If you drove the Mercedes E400 hybrid 17,000 miles, getting an advertised 31MPG you would need 548 gallons of gas. Using the current price of $3.23/gal that costs $1,770.

Now we’ll drive the V60 the same distance, but I’m going to cut it’s MPG down to 100MPG (we know Swedish fish is a shitty candy, so I won’t trust their MPG either). You would need 170 gallons of diesel to cover the distance. At the price of $3.82/gallon, that costs $649. $1,100 a year is quite a difference. If you have a 10-gallon tank, you can drive over 1000 miles before re-fueling. 1000! That’s not considering its EV range. (And it may or may not be able to tow a boat.)

Of course it takes 20 years to balance out the price of your V60 with the $50,000-ish E400 but the E300 Bluetec won’t be $75,000, yet that’s not coming to the US either. The fact these are forbidden fruit bugs me, and we’re partly to blame. We aren’t offered these great, fuel-efficient cars because there’s so little demand. Diesel cars accounted for only 7% of Mercedes sales. That means 10% of us bought AMGs because we’re hooligans (guilty) and 83% of us are fucking morons.* Even Ford won’t give us their 65MPG Fiesta diesel, because it would be priced right by the Prius, the teet we all love to suckle at, despite a bigger, nicer one sitting just next to it.

V60 interior

Maybe morons is too strong, but we’re just stuck. We grab at trends with eagerness of Italy’s prime minister at a high school dance and then we hang onto them no matter what information or alternatives are presented. We’re like Dustin Hoffman in Rainman, stuck in our routine and if someone offers something else we bang on our heads and scream. Well I think we should read the facts more (something many people in the USA hate doing), because right now we’re telling the world, “Oh, that’s a flying carpet? Hm, I dunno, all my friends have hard-wood floors, so I think I’ll stick to that. Plus, don’t carpets smell?” Well you know what? I want to be able to buy these cars, I want them here, I want a flying carpet. So you people better start buying some ****ing rugs.

- Zack K

*This math is purely arbitrary, other than the 7% of sales part. That’s true.

Note: Let’s call this Sunday reading. It’s a bit long but there’s pretty pictures, even one that moves! It’s Sunday, take some time for the story I spent hours on yourself.

SEMA was over. The AdultCon of car shows had packed up, making way for the AdultCon of people; AdultCon. Hundreds of thousands of people stared at thousands of cars, parts, dudes in company polo shirts, failed strippers promo models, obstructing the way for depressed humanoids trying to gamble. Everyone went home on Friday…and missed the best show of the entire week: The Optima Batteries Ultimate Street Car Invitational

You should have gone, because this event is the shit. Matt was invited to compete in his 1998 C5 Corvette. We figured between the car’s lightweight, power and suspension and Matt knowing Spring Mountain like the palm of his hand, he might do pretty well. However we were not prepared for what showed up early on Saturday morning. Make the jump for the story and massive gallery.

Let me briefly explain the Optima Streetcar Invitational. It’s a triathlon for cars, except it has 5 events; Road Rally, Design, Road Course, Auto-X and Speed/Stop Challenge. Points are awarded to the top 20 finishers of each event. The Road Rally was first, but Matt decided not to run it. “Why?” I’m glad you asked.

Road Rally

The Road Rally was from Vegas to Pahrump. That day, NV decided it was bored of being known as a hot desert, and sent some rain (and at higher elevations, snow). Perhaps nature’s way of cleaning Vegas of neon lights and Lambo doors to make room for those talented actresses. Anyway, Matt loves convertibles. Before he drove from LA to Vegas he took the roof off his ’98 Corvette. Did I mention Matt left that roof behind? “That seems silly Mister Zack.” It is silly, Timmy. “Why?” I don’t remember why, something about his car will be in-doors all week and “so many Car Show groupies, it will be hitting me in the face.” Could be paraphrasing.  Point is he left it behind. “Mister Zack, does it rain in Nevada?”

Yes, Timmy. It does.

Cut to Friday, it’s raining and cold. Highway 15 had been closed due to snow. Matt was scrambling to find a solution. Borrow a roof, find a trailer to hitch a ride with, wait for the rain to die…all fails. We stared at the Optima awning, “I wonder if we can make it into a roof, like Lamborghini does…” We couldn’t. So, Matt quietly  put on 2 jackets, racing gloves and drove to Pahrump quickly. Yes officer, the speed keeps the rain out. He described it as a  less-than-optimal fornication experience, AKA, “that fucking sucked!” We felt his pain, our 2011 BMW X5 diesel was fitted with seat heaters only, no massage. The humanity. We thawed ourselves with potato water. The morning’s events were pushed aside by a young woman telling me about her friend, an “actress” who once made a “movie” where she “entertained”  600 gentlemen. I stared at a woman wearing a bikini in the winter, thinking “Can you catch syphilis from a bar stool?” Sleep.

Points earned: 0.

The morning came too soon. Cold and dark. The casino/gas station/swap-meet coffee was shitty. We pulled into Spring Mountain Motorsports Ranch just after daylight did. We parked the car and found Matt in line for tech. He we realized  Optima uses the term “streetcar”  loosely. These cars were serious. A conversation with several owners could have gone like this, “Nice race trailer. Kinda big though isn’t it? You need the space for what?….to hold your 4 rolling Snap-On tool boxes and the soul of Michael Shumacher? Ah I see. Yeah it makes sense then.”

Half the field were classics. Camaros won the  popularity contest, along with 2 ’66 Mustangs that sounded like a NASCAR motor starting in a small cave. In fact, most of these cars had exhaust notes that can pierce a hymen standing too close. One Mustang had a 4-foot tall wing on it… no one laughed. That should say something. It’s the fight club of the pro-touring community. Race engines, wide-bodies, huge huge huge rubber. The fact that a modded Nissan GTR (Gee, wonder how it did?) had serious competition coming from multiple cars 40 years its senior should tell you something. In some ways a battle of generations.  A bright red wide-body Corvette started up. My hangover was overcome with a big grin. This is going to be an epic day. Matt didn’t smile.

Autocross

The good thing about the OUSCI is there’s several events. The bad thing is, two of them are run simultaneously. Because there were so many cars, the event had a tight schedule and the cars were split up. Auto-X and the Road Course would be ran at the same time. So you have to pick whether you want to watch every car do 1 event, or half the cars do both events. We stuck with Matt and headed to the Auto-X course. It was set up to be more open, allowing the high-powered cars to run a bit. No 15 MPH slice and dice.

The lineup was daunting. It included the modded GTR and the down-force-packing Mustang. Oh and Sam Hubinette. He was taking Jamie Howe (the only SPEED host a 13 year old boy should know by name) for an on-camera ride . His parade lap was done dorifto style, the finale stopping in the stop-box while doing a rolling burnout. This is officially the second-best cure of a hangover. Spinning his tires was easy thanks to the frigid 42 degree air and colder tarmac. Despite the cold pavement Matt managed to run the course in 43.5s, 26th place, dead in the middle. Considering it was cold, his tires are old and his car was worth as much as most of the cars’ support tools, finishing mid-pack was fine by him.

The rules say “no pro drivers.” Ok. 10-Time consecutive “recreational” SCCA champion Mary Pozzi came in 2nd ( 39.4s) in a sick, newly-finished 1972 Chevy Camaro. Between its chassis, fender flares and wheel/tire combo it was as classic as an iPad 2. But man, seeing a muscle car rail around an Auto-X with that kind of agility, braking and balance blew me away. I spent a lot of time with these cars as a kid and I never thought I would see them within tenths of a second of a modern Corvette or GTR. And nothing sounds like an old car with race pipes, nothing.

My friends 3ZERO3 Motorsports ran a 43.4s in a VW Beetle with a turboed R32 drivetrain. That silenced several  “un-pimp ze auto” jokes. (There was a particular PT Cruiser that needed to be thrown with a trebuchet due to suffering from whowouldbuildthat-itis. A sweet bonus was watching Goldberg hosting the SPEED coverage of the event. Each car got an introduction, said with the charm of Gerard Butler barking words of encouragement to his men in 300.

Top time went to Danny Popp, turning a 38.2 in his 24 Hour Le Mans GT lookalike  street-capable C6 Corvette. To revisit the conversation on defining “streetcar”; this gentleman had tire warmers on his car while he waited in line. Trailer full of tools, tech team, ok. Fine. Cars are a pain to work on and if you have the $, why not. But tire warmers?  I wanted to look at this gathering as a sort of race amongst gentlemen (and ladies). They all created a car from an idea, brought it to the biggest show and then decided to have a bit of motoring fun in Pahrump. Apparently it’s a bit more serious than that.

Matt’s car was out-gunned and with ninjas like Pozzi and Popp playing, out-driven as well. His goal now was to finish mid-pack, not crash, not break anything and not embarrass himself. Mine was to find water, Advil and warmth. 1 out of 2 ain’t bad.

Points Earned: 0  

Hot Lap Challenge

Thad and I made our way towards the road course, stopping to look at all the pretty metal scenery along the way. I won’t slow this down with commentary on every car but definitely check out the gallery at the bottom. The best viewpoint is the Spring Mountain viewing bridge, perched above the starting line and grid. That’s another great thing about this event: access. You can walk up to the track barrier, there’s viewing towers, you can even go up on the giant Optima trailer. Being able to see everything is what makes a race event fun to attend. Usually it costs extra (pit passes); here were free to roam. Cars lined up as a group, running warm-up laps a few at a time. Each car launches from a stop and ripped directly under us at WOT. I Inhale delicious carcinogens shot out of cat-less exhausts. Thad points North, “We drove over those fuckin’ mountains!“  In the distance, a burnout cracks the cold air. So far, so great.

In the driver’s meeting they had told everyone the warm-up lap was a warm-up lap. We all know where this story is going. Coming around the corner is a ’68 Camaro, driven by someone who is following the meeting’s advice. He’s driving 6 tenths, cruising toward the sweeper. A little behind him is Danny Popp, in his magic car. Danny is also learning the track and exploring his car’s limits on the track but his are a little higher. He’s gaining like a cheetah chasing an old woman. Camaro brakes early. Corvette: Full brake, tire lock, smoke. From my vantage point Danny was close enough to read the other driver’s lips through the rear view mirror.

Someone else had an interesting warm-up lap: Matt. He went off in turn 2 during his warm-up lap. Bad tires and cold ground were charged as the guilty party. Matt shook it off, but we later found out he had broken a sway bar end link, hurting his timed laps later on.

At the end of the event, he had put down a time of 2:00 flat. 26th place again. The other times were all over the place. Some cars that I expected to be slow (1992 2-door Chevy Tahoe with an AT and a big block!?) weren’t. A V6 Mustang had an exhaust that sounded like cicada’s farting into a trumpet buzzed around to everyone’s chagrin.

Others looked fast like the sharp modern/retro 1966 Nova- weren’t. Mary Pozzi’s Camaro thundered round in 1:53.1.  Kyle Tucker put down a 1:48.43 in his 1970 Camaro. But the track was ruled by Corvettes. Danny Popp and Peter Callaway (yeah, that Callaway) ran a 1:42.208 and 1:44.745. The cheater! GTR, with all its computers and TSC:  1:48.441. That shows you how fast those Corvettes are, and also how fast Kyle was in the Camaro.

Points earned: 0

Design Challenge

All day judges were walking around grading the cars for the Raybesto’s Performance Design Challenge. The judges apologized for only having 5 minutes for each car, saying, “There’s some cars we could spend hours looking at.” Cut to Our Super Speeding friend Rob Feretti stood with the judges as they looked over his 1100WHP Supra,  “Yea it’s not probably not one of those 2 hour cars you guys were talking about. Go ahead, pretend to look at it for the entire 5 minutes. ” Matt did not win, but at least he didn’t bring a PT Cruiser with the graphics package off a 1984 surf board.

Points Earned: 0

Speed/Stop Challenge

It was now the last event of the day: The Wilwood Brakes Speed Stop Challenge. The Auto-X course had been cleared and a strip was set up diagonally across the big black slab. Starting at the banner, cars raced towards the stop-box. THe goal was to get to the other side as fast as possible. You had to stop in a box about 40′L x 15′ Wide.  Brake too late you hit the cones and get DQed, too soon and you lose valuable seconds. It was a great test of acceleration and braking, only one of which is a natural skill for old cars.

Thad and I walked out to the tarmac. I never worried about a car getting lose and murdering us, but it is a little interesting standing at that end watching cars with 500+ HP try to contain it at WOT. I saw more than a few hoods waver side to side. The marshals did forbid me from standing behind the stop box for a head-on shot, I guess in case a throttle stuck. Despite having had that experience myself, when the throttle in my ’65 Le Mans stuck at about 95MPH on Highway 1, I thought that type of accident was impossible. At the lease I’d be able to dodge the automotive bull. The marshals are smarter than I, and asked me to move.

Matt hadn’t ever done anything like this but he had plenty of drag racing experience, so the launch was easy. But stopping on cue and calculating that while you’re accelerating as fast as possible must be a strange idea for your brain to understand. Unfortunately Matt hit cones 3 times in a row. No points. Eh, who cares. How often do you need to pull into a garage at 78 MPH?  Back from his runs, “That’s a lot harder than it looks.” I believe him. Another driver advertised confidence. 5 minutes later, “That’s harder than it looks.”

Car after car charged at the box, furiously throwing itself forward with the silence and subtlety of an avalanche and then throw out the anchor and late-brake into the box. The 1957 Chevy Bel Air was fun to watch. It was like a cartoon elephant trying to come to a quick stop right before the cliff. Skid marks were plentiful. It was fucking awesome. A few yards from a juiced up pony car screaming towards us like a rabid dog chasing Lady Gaga.

First place went to Gary Rubio in….the Nissan GTR. It leaped to the box and stopped in 0:06.54s. This surprised no one. What did surprise us is that 2nd place went to Mark Stielo in his ’69 Camaro, which somehow found traction, screaming away with the violence of hesitation of a depleted-uranium round from an AC-10 and came to a rest in only 0:07.096. .6 seconds behind one of the most technically capable cars ever is no joke. Pozzi and Popp were only behind by tenths of a second.

The PT Cruiser showed up. It struggled with the acceleration portion of this event, because it started in 2nd. Then it would downshift from 2nd to 1st about 60 feet from the start line. Its sound was worrisome. “That’s the sound of it trying to kill itself.” a spectator commented. Ba-zing.

Pete Callaway's Corvette

There was one more thing going on during this challenge, that really encapsulates what this event is about. In the middle of the challenge, Peter Callaway was yanking his brake master cylinder, to give to Danny Popp. Danny’s had failed after the road course and its difficult to compete with no brakes. Danny was in competition to win the event, and Peter’s C6 Corvette was a matching tissue doner. This is what weekend racing is about; being competitive without working against each other. It’s just a bunch of really crazy friends. They pulled the part, got it in and Danny was able to get 3rd, putting him tied for the win Mark Stielo. A 2006 Corvette Zo6 and a ’69 Camaro, tied at 80 points in a performance decathlon. Pretty cool.

Points Earned: 0

The judges decision came down to the tie-breaker: the fastest time on the road course wins it. Mark Stielo hadn’t  beat Popp’s time of 1:42.208. But even so, it’s incredible what the pro-touring cars can do. The diversity of the cars, the close-up action, the access and the friendliness of every single person there made this one of the best car shows/races I’ve ever been to. It was relaxed without the bore of a stand around car show. And it was noisy and competitive without feeling to serious or impersonal. New cars, old cars, burnouts, road course, all held together by tens of thousands of horsepower. I was grinning like an 8 year old all day.

Unfortunately the day wasn’t great for Mr. Farah. He actually did pretty well considering the broken end-link, old tires and no tire warmers. But the road rally and Speed Stop Challenge cost him.  Add in judges incapable of appreciating the beautiful and captivating miracle that is a red C5 Corvette and ended up in 46th place.

But Rob Feretti got 47th.

- Zack K

“Did you tell anyone we were coming here today?”

“I was just going to ask you that! And…..no, I didn’t. Did you?”

“No.”

We shared a long silence, both mentally flashing forward to a broken car, freezing temperatures and no food. We were 7,000 feet above sea level on the Wheeler Pass trail in Nevada. It was snowing, so the pointy rocks- which ranged in size from grenade to tool box- were becoming hidden from view. We were wearing jeans and hoodies. The closest thing to “supplies” were a tire repair kit, 2 half-full Monster Rehabs and stomachs full of Pahrump’s finest Subway. Popping a tire on this 2011 BMW X5 diesel would surely result in cannibalism, and Thad is bigger than me.

Let me back up.

The Optima Ultimate Streetcar Invitational was coming up. We couldn’t go to SEMA so we planned to meet Matt at the track in Pahrump the night before. Modern diesel cars had caught my interest during a shoot for The Car Show when Matt tried to drive 800-mile a Mercedes E350 Bluetec from Mexico to Oregon on one tank. I wanted to further explore new diesels, so I reached out to BMW. They had an 2011 X5d for us…in San Francisco.  Oh well. A diesel SUV made perfect sense to me on paper. Thrust and efficiency with lots of space and the ever-sought which I don’t care about high seating point? I bought my ticket.

 

 

I loved the original X5 and was happy to see BMW stayed close to the original design. It’s like an old band that’s been fine-tuned for a modern audience without losing their early sound. It still looks like an SUV (SAV in this case), with short over hangs and good ground clearance  (8.7″, same as a Jeep Grand Cherokee). Aside from a tiny badge on the side and a low red line on the tach, there’s nothing advertising it’s a special X5. I actually wish it were more obvious in the hope it would convert some people. But we wouldn’t want anyone to know our car uses that dirty, different fuel, would we?

 

Hidden behind that small badge is a 3.0-liter Inline-6. With 2 turbos it brings the gift of torques; 425 of them at 1,750RPM. It has to move 5,192 lbs with 265HP so 0-60 takes just under 7 seconds. But getting on the freeway it feels much faster. No one will complain. People equate torque with speed. For proof, drive my mom around. Just bring Xanax and ear plugs. Controlling it is a 6-speed automatic and despite lacking paddles it’s responsive enough I used the stick-controlled manual mode a lot to downshift, saving fuel and brake pads.

 

The interior is the BMW style we’re familiar with, this time done in soft leather with wood accents. It feels spacious and well-equipped; Luxurious without feeling like the off limits white living room at grandma’s. It’s perfect for a car the runs and rides as smooth as this. I was happy to see the iDrive has evolved from its original pond scum to functioning helper monkey. In the X5 I had no problem synching, adjusting or NAV-ing. Did I mention the stereo BUMMMPS?!  God damn it’s like a home theater system from Beats-By-Dre. I don’t seek out nice sound but I absolutely appreciate it and any audiophile will be quite content.

 

One of few complaints goes to the seats, which don’t have enough lower back support. It was like sleeping on a bed that’s barely too firm. In 2000 miles, I wasn’t uncomfortable but it wasn’t like home. For an example of what home feels like, sit in a Mercedes.

 

Our car also came with the optional Heads Up Display. That’s good, because the steering wheel blocks the speedo from 40-120mph. I’m 5’11” but unless I wanted to drive with the wheel up high and feel like an 8 year old the speedo might as well be gone. I guess in Germany you’re either going under 40 or over 120. Bastards. But without that issue I wouldn’t have spent so much time looking at the HUD, which was excellent. With NAV arrows, cruise control status and speed it’s the perfect tool on highways and helps in canyons at night too. Even if they fix the wheel issue I’ll use display.

 

Altogether I was reminded why BMWs are expensive, and it felt worth it. My introduction to the X5 came with a 5-hour drive down to Los Angeles, and despite my mom’s best efforts (she rode with me) I found a way to enjoy the car.

 

 

Jump forward a week, and it’s the Friday before Optima. The plan was to drive to Spring Mountain Motorsports Ranch to meet Matt. Thad had convinced me we should leave early and “explore Pahrump.” Bullshit. I knew what he was doing. When he first heard, “X5” he suggested “exploring” Wheeler Pass, a 24-mile off-road trail that runs from Pahrump, NV to a spot just north of Vegas. He’d mentioned it almost weekly.

 

(You see, Thad is a dreamer; brilliant yet sometimes disconnected from reality. He once asked if we could get a new car by telling the manufacturer we intended to break it, calling it a “durability test.” He was serious.)

 

(A quick spin of Wheeler Pass trail via helmet cam.)

 

I said no. “It says it’s safe for production vehicles!” he said, showing a picture of an FJ Cruiser, failing to recognize the difference in the cars. “You’re always ranting about how crossovers and whatever have no spine, right? Let’s find out.” He had a point. I didn’t want to take a car I didn’t own as nice as this off-road but I love a driving adventure of any kind. I’d spent too much of my youth exposing borrowed cars to the elements to ignore the fun in his idea. Together we’re like 10 year olds: One builds the ramp; the other rides his bike at it. Well, it is Nevada. It will just be a sunny dirt road surrounded by more sun and dirt.

 

We arrived in Pahrump at 10:30AM. “Let’s just check the road out, what else are we going to do?” I felt like a guy that agreed to go to a strip club but said I wouldn’t open my eyes and given the option between spending 8 hours in Pahrump or risking press access and death I choose the latter. We agreed if it got too hairy, we’d turn around.

 

Clouds. Hm. Wonder what they're for?

 

Wheeler starts as a fire road heading directly between two small mountains. The X5 handled this with flying colors. It felt completely attached to the road, even at 60MPH. A rocky hill several hundred feet tall presented itself. Torquey engine, AWD, let’s see what you got. Without knobby tires or locking diffs or some name referring to a desert (check out my new Sudanihari!) the X5 chugged up the hill. Wheel spin was there but it it confidently clawed up with surprising composure. The torque from the turbo-diesel made the car feel like a giant chair lift. 28MPG highway (observed), and now this? I am a fan.

 

We got out to look back down. Things look steeper from the top. Like the climb, the descent was drama-free. Hit the hill descent and it takes care of things while you steer. Taking your foot off the pedals while off-roading is the definition of counter-intuitive but it works incredibly well. We arrived safely at the bottom with a new confidence. This wasn’t just a traveling movie theater for kids or a booster seat. This thing was legit. With new confidence, we headed up the road.

 

Then it started snowing.

 

 

Thad was elated. “Snow! First snow of the year! How awesome is this!” I wasn’t. I like snow driving more than sex but this wasn’t even really a road. This was a 10-foot wide off-camber minefield and each mine was wearing the nametag of BMW’s press agent. Anyone who has driven a crowned road on ice knows where your car wants to slide. In this case that would be down the big mountain into the abyss known as “You fucking idiots.” Yay snow. Another element added to his idea. Yet, amazingly the tires didn’t even notice the snow. The car just, drove. We cautiously pressed on.

 

 

The road changed from road with light rocks to rocks with light road. A rock the size of a pomegranate seed once went between my tread and popped a tire; That thought haunted me the next 6 hours. I crept forward as slow as possible in order to put the minimal amount of force on the tires. Thad and I worked as a team, spotting obstacles and deciding the best path.

 

Our primary concern was clearance. Ground clearance is to rocks what bullets are to killing zombies; you can’t have too much. But between the AWD system, careful wheel placement and hill descent, the X5 was fine. It was practically asleep. Each passing mile encouraged us, yet I was expecting something impassable around each bend.

 

We set personal records for "Holy shit." usage that day.

 

Off-roading in the snow is a very cool experience. There’s a stillness around you, making you feel more alone. The road looked like cookies and cream ice cream; a white blanket dotted with the tips of brown icebergs. Off-roading usually involves sunny drives with the windows (or top) down. This was almost submarine-like. Using the parking cameras, sensors and side mirrors, we could see everything around us. I love you, electricity.

 

The summit finally came. 7,700 feet. Halfway. We were giddy with excitement. I thanked the car. This  quiet, fuel-efficient cruiser was as steady and bored as a Sherpa on a stair-master. The question was: turn around or continue? Foolishly, my parents let me read books like Into Thin Air and Call of the Wild. Would Jack London quit half way and turn his $50k luxury truck around? Hell no!

 

The snow fell harder, with bigger flakes. Ironically, the inside was as comfortable as a 4-star hotel. Seat warmers, soft leather, SPICE radio soft Jazz. 100 years ago people risked death on this road. Now we’re doing it in a car that treats your ass like an old Italian barber treats your face before a shave. Incredible. It was here we realized we hadn’t told anyone what we were doing. We had BMW’s SOS system if we needed it, but it was more a moment of realizing how stupid impulsive we can be.

 

 

Downhill brought the challenge of momentum. I want to reiterate the skill of descent mode. Snow, wet rocks, didn’t matter. This car can react faster than your foot. I only took over when 4MPH felt too fast for particularly nasty rocks or to stop and survey our next move. Snow? Rocks? X5 no care.

 

And then suddenly, the snow lightened up, the clouds dissipated, the rocks shrank. A fence, mud, tire tracks! We were out. We had gone 24 miles over a snowy, rocky mountain in a vehicle usually reserved for trips to Whole Foods and personal training sessions. We passed an F-150 and the driver’s face mimicked our thoughts, “The hell are these boys doin’ here?”

 

 

We had come here to find out if there was any “utility” left in the world. Crossovers are the new SUV, and I was convinced they were only as capable as a passenger car. But this 2011 BMW X5 is better than previous generations. I felt confident on highways, in canyons and over rocky, snow-covered gremlins. The 3.0 liter I-6 TT is just a phenomenal motor. It’s great everywhere. With all that torque I’d even say it’s fun. On cold days, upon startup it’s barely louder than a gas engine and only near idle. Thanks to smart people diesels are now clean, quiet and even more efficient. People worry about finding diesel, but 28MPG gives you a 600 mile range and that’s plenty of time to look. V-8 torque, 4-cylinder efficiency and inline-6 smoothness; It is the perfect engine for not only this kind of car, but plenty more. Ours was priced at almost $60,000, but I could easily do without options like the cameras and sunroof. For around $50,000, you get a car that can do anything people might think of, and do it well. Top to bottom, it’s a very good car.

 

No one will take their X5 where we did, nor should they, but I’m glad I did . I like knowing a car can handle more than I ever want to, like knowing how to throw a punch.

 

- Zack K

Shit, I spelled "tweet" wrong when I ran that red light.

MINI’s new Connected iPhone App is the worst idea in automobiles since the PT Cruiser was offered with feaux wood paneling. Actually it’s worse than that, because that won’t cause thousands of accidents and perpetuate the instant gratification, communication and puppy-dog neediness the flood of social media is creating. This will. Even worse, I saw it coming, and I bet within two years every car will have it.  Read on for figures showing why this idea is so bad, and more ranting.

The big concern with cell phones has been the oh-so-scary demon known as “distracted driving.” Distracted driving (of course) means talking on the phone and texting, but it also includes, eating, drinking, changing radio stations (mp3s, same thing), iPods and even just talking to passengers. It’s great for the CA CHP. They’ve written 283,000 tickets for use of handheld cell phones (as of mid-September 2010). They made buckets of money, sure, but they probably did prevent a lot of accidents.

When I had an old clam-shell phone I could text with one hand without looking, and I did. But with a smartphone with a touch screen, I don’t. It takes my eyes off the road for way too long. So the MINI system seems like the way to have your cake and eat it too, right? Some hot British woman reads your texts and tweets, you stay connected to everything and your eyes stay on the road. Awesome. Except the distraction isn’t from holding a phone to your ear, it’s your brain simply paying attention to someone else. Here’s the definition copied from the DMV’s page:

I laughed pretty hard at number 3. I don’t know how they expect you to drive without looking outside the vehicle, but that’s the DMV; brilliant people. If the NHTSA says simply looking around, or reading (“Wait, is this the Facebook menu or the twitter one…”) how the fuck does anyone think it’s ok for me or you to be driving while trying to come up with a clever tweet, or listen to someone’s inane Facebook status? It’s highly likely whatever it says will have zero effect on your life for longer than 3 seconds and will be forgotten within moments.

“Oh wow! Now I can keep track of Stacy’s level of happiness at work! And I can hear about how big my sister’s new son’s shit was! Oh wow, Zack just made a stupid joke comparing a car to the perineum! Lemme just Google that while I get onto the 405…”

You’re telling me that won’t distract people? How often have you been focused on something  (computer, TV, driving, inner thoughts, that woman’s rack,etc) and someone is trying to talk to you. 10 seconds later you realize they’re talking and say, “Sorry, what’d you say?” It’s not because you were reading, or typing, or talking, but because you were processing information and stimuli. Your brain was using it’s power to analyze a subject, instead of listening.

This is why studies have shown a hands-free device does little to help a driver focus compared to holding a phone to their ear:

Neuroscientist Marcel Just, director of the Center for Cognitive Brain Imaging at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, agrees. Just studied 29 volunteers who used a driving simulator while inside an MRI brain scanner. The volunteers steered a car along a virtual winding road undisturbed or while deciding whether a sentence they heard was true or false.

Listening while driving led to a “significant deterioration in driving accuracy,” Just and his co-authors write in the latest issue of the journal Brain Research. The drivers hit the guardrail and veered out of the center of the lane more often while listening.

In the listening situation, MRI brain scans found a 37% decrease in parietal lobe activity. The parietal lobe is associated with spatial processing, so it is critical for navigation. Activity also decreased in the occipital lobe, which processes visual information.

Apply that to your average driver and the result is going to be bad. Apply it to your average twitter/Facebook junkie (people that would stare at their phone while skydiving if they could) and you have more accidents than an Asian girl’s sweet 16 party Danica Patrick after 3 cups of Jesus juice. The people that have to have these updates are probably bad drivers already. This will easily undo any accident prevention. I understand we want to be connected, and in many aspects of life technology has been priceless (Iranian protest, efficiency, porn). But this is a place where we need to think ahead about what we put in cars. You can’t simultaneously complain about distractions and then put this in. It’s a bad fucking idea.

Besides, MINIs are supposed to be driver’s cars, not a social network wi-fi hot-spot.

“This….this is wrong.” – Dark Knight

There is rarely enough time in one of our 7-minute films to say everything that needs to be said about a car. You get in the moment, you forget things here and there, and you go home at the end of the day wishing you had said this or that. Well, in between filming and writing for The Smoking Tire, I review cars for other publications as well, which gives me an opportunity to write a completely different take on the same cars we film with. Introducing Road Lanes Magazine, a new online automotive magazine that you can download for free and view offline as well as online. In last month’s issue, I reviewed the Dodge Durango and Corvette ZR1. This month, check out the new issue of Road Lanes for my reviews of the Mercedes CLS63 AMG and BMW X6M.

So as not to disappoint our loyal fans here at The Smoking Tire, we have also made films with the Corvette ZR1 and BMW X6M, which you will see on the site and our various video outlets soon. Until then, click here to see the latest issue of Road Lanes!

So you got a fancy new, speedy everyone-crashes-but-I-won’t street bike. It’s fun, but every time you leave the garage you have to stop, put it on the kickstand, walk back, close the garage, then ride. Automatic garages help, but then you have to carry that bulky clicker. Motorcycle leathers aren’t known for their roomy pockets, and the less bulk stored in them the better (rider’s bulk excluded).

A British man was tired of getting off his bike to open the door, so he actually rigged up a sweet new switch. It’s actually way easier than you’d think, and uses materials many of you have at home already.

I’m going to the nearest farmer’s market, to see if I can find one of these.

- Zack K

God Bless the Internet. Without it, I wouldn’t have access to hours of car news, be able to rapidly calculate torque figures, price conversions and I would still be wondering if anyone had ever thought of  having a superhero orgy, set at the Taj Mahal (someone did). And I also wouldn’t be able to see every single thing Jeremy Clarkson has ever written, starred in or hosted. “Illegal” Internet downloading convinced the BBC there just might be a small population of people in the USA that want to watch Top Gear (You’re welcome). And now it brings us a great clip from Clarkson’s newest holiday DVD, Powered Up. Make the jump to watch.

Every year Jeremy Clarkson makes a DVD that serves to placate us beasts the subsist on Top Gear. They’re just a smorgasbord of tire smoke, super cars and comparison that couldn’t find room on the TG season schedule. He does a few car comparisons in this DVD (Ferrari FF, 458, MP4-12C), but the best was saved for last: his favorite car of the year. Not the best car of the year, his favorite. It’s the BMW 1M, and it happens to be our favorite car of this year as well. We had a blast in the CTS-V. The ZR1 is the perfect tool for race tracks and scaring people camping in tunnels, but for sheer fun factor, its the 1M all the way. Performance, exclusivity and value are all there, but all we had to do is measure the smiles on our faces after each person drove it. It compels you to apex corners, it begs for downshifts and it’s as capable at high speed mile consumption as it is darting through corners. It’s just fantastic.

Watch Clarkson chuck the little M that could around, then check out our review of the 1M.

- Zack K

When I set out to write this article, my main focus was to offer a comparison between Toyota’s legendary AE86 and Mazda’s game changing Roadster. However, the more I tried to pinpoint just why these lightweight FRs are so great, the more I realized why today’s successors just aren’t. Keep reading my fellow ADDers, you will enjoy the article, or your money back!

They say a man can accomplish anything so long as he is confident, and humble. I think this principle applies to cars as well. Now haters, don’t jump to a different article just yet, hear me out. Take the Corvette ZR1, or the R35 GTR for example. Both cars are in-your-face performers with the horsepower and Nordschleife times to backup their bragging, I’m sure you’d agree. Now after I say this, there will be countless fanboys who’ll stop blowing their imaginary ‘Vette to yell mean things at my mother.. but I digress: these cars have no soul. They may be fast, or offer driver involvement (not you R35, move along) but they are not any fun without their horsepower. Sure they can still carve a corner in 6th gear, but would you have any fun doing that? Ok, now imagine that same horsepower you’re getting in 6th being used on your favorite straight. Still sound like a hoot?

"Who cares about fun?! Look how many drag strips I can bench!!!"

The problem (IMHO) with many of the steroidal cars on the market today is that they have something to prove. I almost can’t blame the manufacturers for continuing this stupidity either. Kids and their man-racer brethren argue 0-60 times, Nordschleife lap records, skid pad ratings, and other objective points, like they’re somehow going to prove something subjective, like a car being “better”. Plus, cars like the ‘Stang and M3 have to worry about their market share going to competitors because they have less horsepower. But don’t fret car buyers, some of us in the industry prefer to avoid hostility and just have some fun. Remember, you have nothing to prove, so why give in? I know there is no standard rating to measure fun, but I guarantee its importance.

Before I get too philosophical, I’ll get back on track. What made cars like the AE86 Corolla and NA Miata fun to drive was that they had no competition standards to meet. They had enough power to go slideways, and were light enough to return decent gas mileage in the process. Land Ho!, fun is good for gas mileage. Who would have thought that a fun car doesn’t need to have a Rosie O’ appetite. There were no performance times they needed to beat, or rivals they needed to silence. The Eight-Six was an FR that fit 3 friends, and had a hatch for lugging loot (or tofu) around. You did not need to sacrifice anything to have this fun, mucho respectable ride.

Today we have something similar to that, they’re called hot-hatches. But- and it’s a big, Rosie butt- they aren’t rear-wheel drive. Save for the not-for-America 130i, all of these cars are FFs. This means that while you can still go fast ‘round a bend, you cant do it looking like a badass. Say what you want, but we all want to look cool in our cars. After all, it’s the reason why we buy our cars in the first place. They make us feel good. Sure you can rip that e-brake on the little FWDs, but that skill level isn’t really reachable for anyone who doesn’t constantly practice. Also, MS3s and GTIs are dope, but they’re not great places to start for building a racer. And if there’s one requirement for an affordable cult classic, it’s that it can be transformed into a monster with enough passion and babysitting jobs. Us young-ins don’t like you old farts telling us that we can’t do something, and we put a lot of work into showing you that you’re wrong. And dumb. The Ferrari-slaughtering Supras and Evos speak for themselves.

We also have a new breed of FRs that don’t try to make big hp, like the the Genesis Coupe 2.0T, and the BMW 128i, but they are too heavy. I used to think that a 3200lb Z4 M Coupe was  light and fun, but then I drove the 2300lb NB Miata.. which I then bought. I love driving expensive cars, because they usually drive great, but I also like being able to put my driving gloves on, and go for a session without someone trying to race me. There’s a great group of guys called the Drift Mechaniks that promote keeping drifting fun. I love that. No hate, no bitching, just guys having fun. I’m going to take it one step further: keep driving fun (I know, I’m so clever). I’ll be frank, aside from every materialistic ho on Long Island wanting to chill with me when I drive an R8, the Miata is just as fun. The Yacht, as I call it, is is worse at cornering, braking, and acceleration, but  I do not give a flying one. Truly it is quite strange, but I can assure you, if you’re man enough to pick up chicks without a super car, you will love an adequately powered FR. Low insurance costs, great gas mileage, less tickets, and if you have the sack, the same amount of babe-age.

You may have dismissed my words for a rant, but I truly wanted to show the world that even young men will buy sports cars that don’t have 400hp. This is a good thing, car manufacturers. It means that you can build what you call a mom-mobile, and with the right marketing turn it into a cash cow with college guys. Repeat after me: Rear-drive, lightweight, fun. One more time: Rear-drive, lightweight, fun. It would even do away with all of the purist bullshit about keeping manual transmissions. We like standards not because they suck in traffic, but because they’re fun. Hopefully Lamborghini is onto something with the spank-you-on-the-ass feeling the tranny in the Aventador gives you. I should rephrase that: The transmission spanks you on the ass..

Anyway the goal for affordable, fun, stock cars should be that they be fun on exit ramps. It’s really that simple. If you can give people a car that’s fun within the speed limit, people don’t feel the need to speed. They might want to drift, but I’ve never heard of any high school seniors getting killed because they were sliding in tandem on prom night. It’s easy to feel invincible when the car does all the work like in a drag,  but when you actually go sideways for the first time it’s truly humbling. I say, let’s make fun cars again. We’ll be safer, richer, and happier. The American Dream dead? I think not.

By Adam Totter

“That’s the best motorcycle in the world.” – Everyone, ever.

Sometimes when we test something on The Smoking Tire, we have zero pre-concieved notions of what to expect. For example, when I recently reviewed the BMW F800R Motorcycle, I hadn’t heard anything about it from anyone besides the fleet manager, who said it was “Fun.” I just thought it looked cool and wanted to try it. The BMW R1200GS is exactly the opposite. I knew lots about it from lots of people. My friend Dave Maher spent 3 months wandering the United States on the back of one. Actor Ewan MacGregor famously circumnavigated the globe on one. Countless others have ridden unbelievable distances over incredible terrain on GS motorcycles for nearly 30 years. And when I was looking to buy a motorcycle in 2009, the GS was high on my shopping list. It ultimately didn’t fit my needs at the time, but I found it very interesting that used examples had approximately 1000% more miles than almost all other bikes on the market. I had a really hard time finding a used GS with less than 40,000 miles on the clock. So I knew that anyone who bought one of these bikes, bought it to ride, a lot. And although I didn’t end up buying one back in 2009, if you asked me what bike I’d like to own today, my story would be drastically different, and include just one option: The R1200 GS. And that’s because after just 15 minutes of riding, I learned that everyone who’s ever told me that the GS is the best motorcycle in the world is exactly right. Hit the jump to find out why.

On a sunny California Thursday, I found myself walking into BMW’s fleet management company here in Los Angeles, and coming face to face with what would be my steed for the next two weeks: a blacked out, loaded to the gills, R 1200 GS. In order to fully describe the bike, let’s first break down how BMW names their bikes in the first place: the “R” indicates the style of engine, in this case a Boxer layout. The 1200 is, of course, the displacement in cubic centimeters, and the “GS” stands for Gelande Sport, or “The Most Capable Motorcycle Money Can Buy.” And you don’t have to look hard to see it, either. It’s the kind of bike that makes function look pretty, like the KTM X-Bow. It’s raw, purposeful, and powerful looking, and sitting on its integrated center stand, quite intimidating.

My intimidation didn’t last long, though, as I began browsing the bike’s features. Everything is very straightforward and required little explanation. This would be the first navigation-equipped bike I’d ridden, so I was extremely thankful that BMW decided to keep things simple and use the all-familliar Garmin software. There is an on-board computer with basic information such as average speed, average fuel economy, clock, thermometer, and the always useful “miles to empty” gauge. The clamp-on Navigation obstructed half the tachometer, but at least it was the lower half, so I could see once the needle crossed 5,000 RPM. At least I wouldn’t be bouncing off the rev limiter by accident. On the left grip, a button labeled “ESA” controls the electronic suspension adjustments. Yep, the GS has electronic ride control.

With the bike now off the center stand, it became a much more reasonable height. Nevertheless, riders under 6 feet tall may have a problem at stop lights unless they are comfortable with just one foot on the ground. With a bike this heavy (500 lbs), it’s not really recommended. I hit the start button and the GS awoke with a deep baritone but subdued hum. I was off.

I immediately realized why people can ride these bikes around the world. The seating position is as perfect as I’ve ever felt on a bike, the small windscreen is extremely effective, and despite its size, everything about the GS feels effortless. It weaves through traffic like a bike half its size (at least once I took the cargo boxes off), its clutch feel is excellent, and with 110 HP and 88 lb/ft of torque on tap, there’s enough power to rip to 60 in just 3.4 seconds. Not bad for the Ford Raptor of motorcycles, huh? My first goal was to test the electronic suspension on the worst possible road to ride a motorcycle: The 405 Freeway.

The 405 is a horrible, awful place to ride a bike. Not only is the road completely clogged with incompetent drivers who would rather be applying makeup or browsing their iPhone than driving, the concrete expansion joints and grooved pavement make most motorcycles act like they have minds of their own, moving around underneath the rider in the most disconcerting way. With the suspension set in Sport, its stiffest setting, I set off. It was miserable. So I tried Normal, and the ride improved. Now, though I could feel the bumps, the bike seemed to absorb the worst ones and my confidence in controlling it at speed grew. Next, I selected Comfort, and all felt right with the world. The bike tracked straight and easy, and I accelerated past 80 mph totally confident that the bike would absorb the strange surface beneath me. It did. But that’s not all. In Comfort mode, the GS rides like a luxury car, absorbing potholes, speed bumps, Volkswagens, whatever’s in your way. I left the bike in this setting for 90% of the next 2 weeks’ riding. Except in the canyons.

Malibu on a Sunday is pretty much standard operating procedure for every motorcycle rider in the Los Angeles area. And while I normally prefer to do my canyon carving on weekdays when the roads are empty, I found it to be a good opportunity to gauge the public response to the GS. Sure enough, I got compliments everywhere, from the Rock Store to the top of Mulholland, everyone gave me a thumbs up or a “Wow, nice bike.”

Riding in the canyons is much the same. With the ESA in Sport, I did over 200 miles of canyon carving and found the GS to be a thoroughly satisfying sport bike. While I couldn’t keep up with the full-leathered riders on the S1000RR’s, I likewise never held anyone up, and even caught a few sports cars in some very technical sections. The bike isn’t a rocket, but its wide handlebars and compliant suspension help the bike to get leaned down quickly, remain composed through the corners, and stand back at attention with a twist of the throttle. And while some other bikes get squirrely when faced with dirt and/or pebbles mid corner, the GS’s all-terrain tires make it feel as if the pavement is perfectly clean. If you plan on hard canyon carving with the GS, you must always be mindful of the Boxer’s heads, which can scrape the ground if leaned down far enough. Fortunately I only made that mistake once.

Now, about that engine. It’s powerful no matter the RPM. And though the exhaust note resembles a Subaru’s at low RPM, the faster you go, the smoother it gets. At 4,000 RPM, it’s virtually vibration free. At highway speeds, it’s so quiet that I can’t even hear the engine, just the roar of wind noise around my helmet. It’s no surprise that people ride these bikes tens of thousands of miles, because doing so exerts approximately zero stress on the body.

There are, of course a couple of downsides. Because the R1200GS is so big, and has such wide handlebars, it’s not exactly suited to lane-splitting in a crowded Los Angels intersection. It can be done, but requires much more caution and concentration than most other sporting motorcycles. The engine also seems to hiccup if you blip the throttle too quickly; preferring a more purposeful, harder blip in order to rev match appropriately. I also don’t like the separated blinker controls, which confuse me after every other bike has a single toggle for both directions. Fortunately, all these issues can be adapted to, and after a day or two riding my body learned to work with the bike.

Over two weeks I put nearly 800 miles on the R1200GS, and loved every minute of it. I realize that many bike owners have multiple motorcycles for different purposes, but if I had to pick one bike to ride for the rest of my life, this would be it. It offers enough sporting potential to have fun in the canyons, enough comfort and practicality to ride across the country or the desert, it can be taken off road, through water, or over snow. It has a community of seasoned riders for support, and most importantly, a proven reliability record. Sure, it’s not cheap, at $15,495 delivered, but to me, that seems like a bargain for what you get.

-Wait til Lil Jon auto-tunes it for the 2013.-

As every 80′s action star ever implied by wiping blood from his lip as he pushed himself up off any non-descript floor in any nameless, repetitive bar: “Now, I’m pissed.”

The new BMW M5 pipes it’s lovely engine note into the cabin to make the driving experience better. That’d be fine except they send it through the speakers. Yes, the fucking speakers. The same vessel that carries Lil Jon’s alcoholic propaganda (oops, I meant to write “songs”) and whatever shit the latest 16 year old pop-star/future-barista happens to be shitting out that week, is basically playing background music to the tune of the tachometer. Make the jump to join my angry mob.

“The Active Sound Design technology specially developed for the new BMW M5 takes its cues from the driving situation at any one time to deliver an accurate reproduction of the engine’s sound through the car’s audio system.”
I don’t care. It’s wrong. The same way saying a perfect sex robot is as good as the real thing would be wrong. Real always beats synthetic.  I don’t care if that microwaved banana feels just like the inside of Linda Friday, it’s not.

You know what else makes an accurate reproduction of the engine’s sound? THE *$&&@#* ENGINE.

When McLaren added some sort of sound tube to the MP4-12C (right before customer delivery, mind you), it was to carry in some more noise to make the driving experience more fun. I think they could have addressed that long ago with a rare jewel I call “mufflers”, but better late than never.
But this is too far. You might as well put in a CD with a choice of engines. “So what if it’s an M5? I always wanted to hear an Enzo at full clip. Put the Enzo CD in.” This is wrong. This is unacceptable. This car is probably fantastic. The simple phrase “twin-turbo V-8 M5″ is enough to get my approval. But I expected better than this, and from BMW especially.

BMW's new sport exhaust.

An ultimate driving machine wouldn’t dare have a synthetic MIDI file for it’s soundtrack. Engine noise is supposed to be it’s own entity. It plays all the time, no matter what. It’s always the same volume, and it only gets muted when you turn the car off. What if your Harmon/Kardon speakers go bad? What if I adjust the bass in the car to my personal liking? Will it cut into the actual music? This is the dumbest f$*$ing thing I have seen on a car since I saw a ’75 Impala with monitors mounted behind the rear seat-backs. Not facing the trunk, facing said seat-back. This is worse than that.

BMW, driving is about an experience. It’s about your mind, body and soul all getting something from the car and how it’s being driven. The constant development of semi-auto transmissions, TC systems that turn you into a D1 pro, and suspension so good you could cover the ‘Ring in cobblestones and not lose a second , have whittled all feeling  away. One thing that seemed impossible to ruin was the sound of a good engine. A V-8 from the 60′s sounds just as good as any modern philharmonic-ally-tuned exotic. It’s a simple pleasure that we all relish. It makes heads turn, women giggle or scream, and makes us do nasty things.

But this is wrong, and there’s no excuse for it. It’s not like you have an electric power train that needed a sound track. You had a great orchestra in the engine bay, and you auto-tuned it. An ultimate driving machine wouldn’t dare have a synthetic MIDI file for it’s soundtrack. The M5 should have been in the idea meeting for this and reacted like Pam Anderson’s brown eye to Tommy Lee, “Hell no, keep that shit out of me.”

I would like to call the superheroes of the aftermarket world to a) Develop exhaust for this car (done, I’m sure) and b) Find a hack to erase this stupid software. This system goes against the very reason we buy car exciting cars. BMW should be ashamed. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go have some angry sex while I listen to someone else having angry sex through Bose noise-canceling headphones.

-Zack K

After years of fielding requests from fans of this site, we have finally decided to try a video review of a motorcycle. While it’s true that I’ve only been riding bikes for about 2 years, and am not quite as well versed in 2-wheelers as I am with the “quads,” I figured we’d take BMW’s newest “Streetfighter” bike out for a ride to see what it can do. The F800R is a naked sport bike designed to compete with the Ducati Monster, Aprilia Shiver, and Suzuki Gladius (AKA SV650). These bikes are designed for urban utility as well as canyon carving fun. So, how does the F800R stand up to the competition? Hit the jump to find out.

At 9 P.M. the two girls in my back seat were still screaming and I couldn’t help but crack a smile. No fear, you Dexter-obsessed weirdos, they were having fun. With second gear about to explode, I carved the black e34 M5 into the wide, right-sweeping corner, touched the brakes, and guided it around the smooth ribbon of forest asphalt. The tach read seven grand, and I shifted to third gear. The girls were still giggling and hollering in the gray bucket seats behind me. Who knows, they may have been tickling each other in between make out sessions (pervs) but my peripheral-view guess showed otherwise. It’s almost twenty years after e34 M5 production ended, but it’s still sexy and driving strong. Plus the girls said it was “bad-ass” that I drove a stick. God damn, girls are getting easy to impress.

Let’s backtrack. This week, my friend Amy and her sorority were having their Winter Formal. It’s the kind of party that girls fantasize about, and the guys think is like Van Wilder. They’re actually cliquey and kinda suck. I should rephrase. They’re not for me. Continuing: Now usually the girls’ dates drive them, but because of some high school-esque drama, a driver was needed. Fucking Greek-life. This is where I come in. As a sucker for real-wheel-drive adventures, I didn’t mind picking up the ladies from their apartments to drive them to the local venue. Was it necessary for me to dress as a chauffeur? It was not, but I felt like a less impressive, caucasian Kato. And hailing from Caucasia  may not be as cool in the car scene as being from real Asia but I digress.

My limo of choice was a Jet Black 1991 BMW M5. The car had just been shipped from sunny California and arrived at my house in New York with 95,000 mi on the clock. Usually buying a used car this old means over 150k on the clock and a myriad of problems. Not so with this old-school autobahner.  Powered by the S38 3.6L inline-six from the Golden Age M1 supercar, the M5 pumps out 310hp at the crank. Being a driver’s car, the hand-built E34 M5 came standard with a five-speed manual transmission, revs to 7500rpm, and can accelerate to 60mph in around six seconds. That’s correct, my party would be Ronin themed.

Twenty years after the super sedan debuted, these specs may not seem that impressive, but imagine how ludicrous it must have been to drive this car when it was new. To give some perspective, if BMW used a race engine for the new M5 it would have about 700 horsepower. Hans and Wolfgang at Motorsport were bonkers in the late 1980s. Maybe they had a bit too much hefeweizen and schnapps. Or German escorts… I hear they’re mean. The only  turnoff i have with the M5 is its unbelievably German interior. If Siggy Freud was reincarnated inanimately, he would be an M5 interior. It’s very purposeful and calming, but just so damned boring and void of personality. While the four bucket seats are perfect for long journeys, the annoying absence of any cup holder is further highlighted by the six ashtrays peppered like buckshot throughout the cabin. Ze Germans do love their cigarettes.

*stock photo*

Now to the story: Outside my Penn State dormitory I park the car and head up to my room. The Lego-like curvature of the boxy E34 sticks out like a ‘90s rat-tail at a BET function. Inside my cliched-looking dorm room, I tie my bow-tie, polish my glossy black Bostonians, and put on my matching jet black hat and suit on. I shave my beard but leave my mustache unscathed, to further emphasize the 1990s theme I had going. Some people even said that I looked dapper. Those same people may also have been imaginary. I looked many things, but dapper was not one of them.

Around 8 P.M. I get a call from Amy saying that she and her girlfriend were ready to be picked up. I grab the worn key fob, lock my door, and leave for the parking lot. I twist the key in the ignition, and fire the six cylinders to life. It takes a special kind of car to drown out its exhaust with its engine rumble. Damn, I love the sound of a BMW i6. It’s just so smooth, right up until redline where it wants to go Chernobyl. Too soon? Any AMG can sound loud and menacing, but this M car was made for the man who wanted some leather in his cruise missile. Subtle, unassuming, and docile, the Dr. Jeckyl M5 is happy to be used for errands and soccer practice. However, with 300+ bhp and skinny tires out back, the car beckons to be tossed sideways. I ponder how sorority girls feel about roller coasters.

On my way to Amy’s apartment, the M5 is very comfortable in lower revs, despite its torque curve not setting in until 4k. The S38 under the hood is taking a break from its usual cougar noises to bellow monotonously on the one-way road, College Avenue. Within minutes I arrive at the apartment complex where she lives. Pulling up in front of her door, I leave the car running while I get out to ring the doorbell. Amy and her friend emerge high-heel wielding, and made-up. Classy isn’t the right word, but the girls look pretty, and are eager for me to walk them to the car. As we approach the limo, I open their doors and escort them into the backseats. It took them some time to figure out how to sit down without exposing their drunk selves, so I got in the driver’s seat and waited patiently. Note to female readers: wearing underwear does not make you unattractive when you go out, it just prevents issues with sitting down. Then again, keep doing what you’re doing, no one is complaining.

Our destination is nearby, and is easily accessible from the highway. We have plenty of time before the girls are expected at the event. Let’s hit some twisties. Looping around the picturesque collegiate village, we find my yellow-brick-road, Rt. 550. The secluded swirl of tarmac, known as Rattlesnake Pass had gone the way of Rt. 66; Its scenic beauty was sacrificed for a more direct roadway. The recently paved road is buttery and winding, has a high speed limit, and is skinny enough to allow just one lane in each direction. To be clear, 550 runs directly through the woods, on the mountainside, and then swings through the farmland at its finish line. Rednecks and hoons rejoice; this here’s a winner.

As we approach the right-hand turn onto the route’s entrance, our conversation about Black Swan is interrupted by Led Zepp’s “When the Levee Breaks” (Note: They brought up the lesbian scene, not me). Down to second gear, I rip back the gear lever in chainsaw-startup fashion. Prehistoric snarls explode from the front-hinged bonnet and evoke some yells from my pretty passengers. All four wheels grip the asphalt like sticky tack and the lateral Gs squeeze the backseat co-eds tightly. Into the first section, I terminate second gear and pull hard into the series of esses.

The Bimmer wails under full acceleration then wiggles slightly as I hit the massive brakes.  Diving forward and into the curve the M5 want’s more than I can give. Left, right, left, the landscape whirrs past and we navigate the passage with ease. At 8:45 pm, the girls start giggling -you guessed it- like school girls. As their maestro-chauffeur, I offer the girls some cool water from up front. I didn’t know if they were thirsty, but their swift response, “Watch the road!” suggested they were not.

With a steady pace, we chug briskly up a small hill, and cling like velcro in the descent. The first and only left-handed corner comes into view. The M5’s buxom rear end swings out like a ballet dancer, and prances around the bend. After a few more exciting corners, we pull over to marinate. Despite the unclean roadway and secluded environment, the car still looks clean. It has dirt on it, yes, but It’s a refreshing sign of life for a car that most other owners keep garaged garage. With only a few thousand e34 M5s imported to North America, it makes for a rare and enjoyable ride. Despite their non-existent automotive enthusiasm the girls loved it too. It was comfortable and luxurious, even 20 or so years after production ended, and made them feel special.

As we enter the old Pennsylvania city, the M5’s boxy figure meshes oddly well with the plethora of pickups and old Suburbans. We motor towards the catering hall, bouncing engine notes off the rustic, bricked buildings. I pull up to the front entrance, get out of the car, and let my passengers out. They thank me for the ride, and tell me that they almost pissed their pants a few times (their words). Mission accomplished. In 2011 the e34 M5 is still relevant, adequately powered, and hilariously fun. A pro driver I definitely am not, but the M5 makes it easy to have fun without having to go too fast. Unfortunately though, as I’m writing this story, I’m sitting in the M5 by the side of some PA B-road, broken down.

Fuck old cars.

-by Adam Totter

photos by Joe Portela

Two years and 25,000 subscribers ago, Tom and I said fairwell to the Garage419 brand with an epic road trip to the Pacific Coast Highway in a BMW 335i Convertible. Now, we hit the same stretch of road with the 2011 BMW M3 with Competition Package, the quickest M3 you can buy in the United States. Even though the V8 – powered coupe from Munich is due to be replaced soon with a forced-induction sixer, we celebrate the sound of the fury of the Alpine White M3 as it was meant to be driven. Video after the jump.

In Fast 5, the latest installment in the Fast and the Furious movie franchise, Brian and Dom are trying to pull off the ultimate heist, which requires the ultimate heist vehicle. In the film, they choose Dodge Charger cop car look-alike’s, not a bad choice if you ask me. But is there something better? Matt and Fireball Tim Lawrence host a contest at Willow Springs Raceway inviting all comers to bring their metal and see how their car stacks up as the ultimate heist vehicle. Featured cars include: Gintani X5M, M5, C63 AMG, CLK 63 AMG Black Series, Nissan GTR, Supercharged Mustang GT, and more, plus the actual Nissan 370z from the movie Fast 5 and several professional racing drivers. Hit the jump for the video to see how it all went down and who came out on top.

Part 1:

Part 2:

Text and Photos submitted by TST reader Nick Busato

Porsche 911 GT3 RS, F430 Scuderia, Corvette ZR1 and the M3 GTS are all names that will induce any automotive enthusiast’s mouth to water uncontrollably. Based on already ludicrously quick road cars, these thoroughbreds are seen as the ultimate track day toys. It seems to be an easy formula for any car manufacturer to follow; strip out unneeded bits, toss on some Brembos, coilovers and sticky tires, massage some more power out of the engine and for added bonus points put an “R” in the car’s badging. These are the speed machines that occupy the prised poster space of many car fanatics’ bedroom walls. If these cars are seen as the superior versions to their more limp wristed counterparts then surely an even more race bred car would be that much more illustrious.

Enter the realm of the American Le Mans Series GT2 class where you will find the dreamiest racing versions of road going sports cars. While other series like DTM, Nascar and Grand-Am may have fairly recognizable body shapes the cars actually share very little if any parts with their production counterparts. In contrast, the ALMS GT2 cars are based on their respective production variants and must use the same chassis and primary bodywork. What you are left with is a car with no comprises made in the interest of comfort, they have a single purpose: to go fast.

Doran Design Ford GT

The original GT40 was greenlit to serve a single purpose: beating Ferrari at the 24 hours of Le Mans. They did just that from 1966 to 1969. Forty some odd years later, a similar shaped machine would yet again be taking on Ferrari, only this time in the GT2 class. In a series dominated by cars who’s body shapes are determined by values found in the wind tunnel its shocking to see a car that has a body based on an artist’s impression of an iconic car from the 1960’s. What is more surprising is that this shape has somehow been honed into a possible race winning car without any real factory support.

Converting the Ford GT into GT2 specification was no easy task for Doran. Despite being one of the most capable production chassis ever, the GT2 spec car still required revised suspension, brakes and a roll cage. The largest departure for the production variant comes in terms of the power plant. The 5.4L supercharged engine is ditched in favour of a 5.0L Roush Yates unit coupled to a six speed Emco transmission. It may come as a surprise that the race engine actually makes less power than the supercharged unit, however the road car is not burdened with 29.1 mm restrictors or operating at near peak RPM for twenty four hours straight. Unfortunately, the car has limited success due the lack of factory involvement in the program, limited budget, and gentlemen (read: rich drivers who pay to race, as opposed to professionals paid to race) drivers.

Chevrolet Corvette C6.R

While many companies claim that their race car development eventually shows up in their road cars, the majority of the time they are speaking absolute rubbish. The Corvette team, on the other hand, allows their race car development to be directly applied to their production models. The lessons learned with the C5.R GT1 car were responsible for the shape, headlights and air management seen in the C6. The carryover of technology from the track to the road has unquestionably improved the Corvette.

The C6.R may start its life on the same production line as the road car, but apart from its chassis, part of its cockpit bodywork, and the taillights, little is carried over. The result is a car that looks like a ZR1 on steroids with its enormous fender bulges just barely concealing the massive racing slicks. The ZR1’s double glazed polycarbonate window is tossed out in favour of a single massive vent that allows hot air from the radiators to be channelled out efficiently through the hood. This air management trend continues with additional ducts used to cool the rear transaxle and the air conditioning unit.

Like the Ford, the C6.R drops the larger production unit in favour of a smaller displacement naturally aspirated V8. A General Motors sourced 5.5L V8 is situated as low and far back as the aluminum hydro-formed chassis will allow. The power output is once again limited to a little under 500HP due to breathing through an asthmatic restrictor. Don’t let the massive power discrepancy fool you, despite the ZR1 having a 140 horsepower advantage, the C6.R will lap Laguna Seca a full twelve seconds quicker. Perhaps the best part of this heart transplant is the sound, as there has never been a deeper “I am going to eat you alive” burble since the Panoz LMP01. Unfortunately, the ZR1’s carbon ceramic brakes cannot be retained, so they are swapped out for the regulation cast iron units. This, however, is only a minor setback since the weight reduction and stickier slick tires will allow the C6.R will still come to a stop far quicker than the ZR1. The result of all this fat trimming, chassis refinement and the engine swap is a Corvette that will literally rip your face off and make you ears bleed.

Porsche 911 GT3 RSR

While many other teams spend endless amounts of money and time to develop a race worthy chassis, Porsche offers its customers the 911 GT3 RSR; a car capable of taking the top step of the podium right out of the box. The 911 has competed in the American Le Mans series since its inception and has not wasted any time taking home the hardware, winning nine of the possible twelve GT2 manufactures championships. Like the 911 road car, it has not been revolution but rather evolution that has enabled the (997) RSR to be completive well into its fifth year of competition.

Since the 997’s introduction in 2005, the car has undergone a form of spots car puberty with the wheel wells growing in size and its engine gaining the ever more important horsepower. The current iteration now sits on mammoth, C6 rear tire equalling, 12 inch wide front and 13 inch wide rear tires. The massive contact patches these tires provide enable the RSR to generate north of 1.5g in a turn. The traditional 911 boxer engine has gradually grown in size from the 3.6L in the 996 to the 4.0L unit found in the current 997. The engine location is retained from the road car as it offers nearly ideal weight distribution… perhaps Ferdinand Porsche was onto something all those years ago.  If perfection is the result of endless refinement then perhaps the 911 GT3 RSR is just that.

(Also noted here that the Porsche 911 RSR is the only race car on the ALMS grid that produces significantly more horsepower than its production counterpart.)

BMW M3 GT2

It would seem that developing a race car from a luxury two door coupe that shares the majority of its genes with a four door sedan would be like bringing a knife to a gunfight. While the M3 is a formidable production car, an ideal GT2 platform it is not. Fortunately, the BMW Motorsport division is the MacGyver of race car engineering and was able to hone the M3 into a genuine GT2 contender.

The M3 GT2 is perhaps the most modified racer in the GT2 field as nearly every detail of the road car sees some attention in its transformation into race car. The suspension and bodywork undergoes heavy modification to optimize the new larger racing slicks. The 4.0L engine is pushed as low and far back as possible with the X-Trac transmission located at the rear in the form of a transaxle. The lengths gone to improve weight distribution do not end there, the driving position is pushed lower and further back as well. The drivers head is essentially in line with the b-pillar, a position so far back that it requires a secondary dash and the steering wheel column to be extended. The result of all this hard work by the boys (and girls) in Munich was the 2010 ALMS GT2 Manufactures Championship, not too shabby for only their second season.

Ferrari F430GT

The Ferrari F430GT is perhaps the most feared, and without question the loudest, car in the GT2 paddock. While it may not have taken home as many manufacture championships as the 911, it has been the dominate force in the true endurance races. A single Risi Competizione F430GT chassis won Petit Le Mans 2008, Le Mans 2008, Sebring 2009 and Le Mans 2009 before being scavenged for parts to repair the sister car at Mosport 2009.

In contrast to the M3 GT2, the F430GT is the closest to the production car of all the cars in the GT2 field. While the obvious tire and brake upgrades have been made, a great deal of the original F430 architecture has been retained. The nose has been reworked in conjunction with the front splitter and rear wing in order to claw back some of the downforce lost due to regulation driven diffuser. The engine has been destroked to 4.0L in an aim to maximize the regulations regarding the displacement to weight ratio. Despite this smaller displacement, little horsepower is lost in comparison to its street sibling. It must be said that the most favourable aspect of GT2 spec engine, in terms of the race fans, is its noise. Never has there been a more beautiful sound from a GT car that screams high into the rpm range. Even when cruising down the pit lane F430GT backfires almost constantly sounding like the opening scene from Saving Private Ryan. The Ferrari really is a work of art in both the visual and audible sense.

Argument about which of these racing cars is best has raged on for years and will continue for as long as the world still has enough gas to go racing, but we feel the whole grid is well-worthy of inclusion into The Smoking Tire’s Dream Garage. Welcome!

The Smoking Tire’s Tom Morningstar was fortunate enough to attend the coolest race ever that no one’s heard of: The 24 Hours of Dubai. Held at the Dubai Autodrome, surrounded by unfinished buildings and general nothingness, the endurance race features privateer racing teams fielding such cool race cars as the Audi R8 LMS, SLS AMG GT3, Porsche 911 Cup, Aston Martin Vantage GT3, and more. Check out the video to see Tom doing what he does best: getting great shots of cars.

(Sorry about the link before, we had to take the video down to fix the music credits and it disappeared)

Friends of The Smoking Tire, the SPEEDCOM/Marcos Racing Team will be racing in the 24 Hours of Dubai on the 14th and 15th. They will be defending their 2010 Diesel Class Victory in a BMW 120d hatchback (you know, the awesome one we don’t get in the US). But there’s another story here. Along for the ride is a great organization called Every Lap Counts, which uses racing as a backdrop for raising money for childrens’ charities all over the world. Here’s how it works: you, the donor, pledge a certain amount of money per lap completed, and if SPEEDCOM/Marcos Racing does as well as expected in this years race, many children’s lives will be made easier. Full press release and photos of the SPEEDCOM/Marcos Racing 120d after the jump.

SPEEDCOM Communications/Marcos Racing International has put together one of the best driver lineups in team history to defend its 2010 class victory in next month’s Dubai 24 Hours, January 14 – 15, and to support Every Lap Counts (ELC), a global fund raising effort supporting charitable causes for children through major international endurance auto races.

In last year’s Dubai 24 Hours, the team of Hal Prewitt, Toto Lassally, Cor Euser and Jim Briody, twice came from behind in a SPEEDCOM/Marcos BMW 120D to score a victory in the competitive D1 (Diesel 1) class.  Prewitt and Lassally return for the 2011 Dubai race where they will be joined by BMW stalwarts and GRAND-AM Road Racing Champions Will Turner and Don Salama. Euser, who has a previous driving commitment that weekend in Dakar, will still provide one of his potent and proven BMW 120Ds and the highly-experienced Marcos Racing International team as the group looks for its third-straight victory-lane showing in Dubai after also finishing second in the 2009 race.

“It is a dream come true for Hal and I to be paired up with a pair of top drivers like Will Turner and Don Salama,” SPEEDCOM Communications CEO and ELC Founder Lassally said. “When I heard they were interested in racing with us in Dubai, and that Cor would not be available due to his Dakar commitment, I knew we need to move quickly. With their talent, ability and popularity, we have a very good chance to not only score a repeat victory but also to generate some substantial funds for Every Lap Counts.”

“I am so proud of everyone that worked so hard to get Every Lap Counts off to a winning start last year at Dubai,” Lassally said.  “This entire project took so much time and energy to launch but when we left Dubai with a victory and more than $10,000 in donation pledges for some special children around the world made it worth it. This time around we want another victory and to ask our friends and associates around the world to help us in doubling the 2011 donations.”

To make a donation, please visit www.everylapcounts.org

At long last, BMW has released the complete technical and performance details of the new BMW 1-Series M Coupe, along with a stunning set of photographs of the wider, meaner, and lighter beast. Here’s what you need to know:

- 335 Horsepower twin-turbo 3.0L inline six with overboost function that can provide up to 369 lb/ft of torque

- 3,296 lbs, 77 lbs lighter than a 135i coupe

- 2.8″ wider track than the 135i coupe

- 51.7/48.3 Weight Balance

- Aluminum, Nurburgring-tuned suspension originally designed for the current-generation M3

- Bigger Brakes, measuring 14.2″ up front and 13.8″ in back

- 19″ Wheels from the limited-edition M3 GTS

- 0-60 in 4.7 seconds, 1/4 mile in 13.2 seconds, top speed limited to 155 mph

- Trademark M quad exhaust pipes

- Steering Wheel-mounted “M Drive” button, first seen in the E60 M5, which sets up the M Coupe for the sportiest possible driving

- 6-Speed Manual is the only transmission option, and includes a dedicated dry-sump cooling system and M-spec short shifter

- Alcantara-covered interior with unique gauges, piping, stitching, and “M” trim.

- New “Air Curtain” aerodynamics which reduce turbulence around the wheel arches (and look bad ass, check out that front bumper!).

Though we’re a little bit disappointed with the horsepower numbers, as we know how easy it is to wring 400 horsepower out of the “35″ engine, we understand that if BMW kept the power increases minimal, they wouldn’t have to worry about the 1-Series M Coupe taking away sales from the M3, just like why Porsche won’t stick a really good engine into a Cayman. As is, the upgrades seem like the standard issue Motorsport stuff: Lighter, stiffer, wider, lower, faster, and very aggressive looking. Overall, we have to say we love this package as a whole, and we really can’t wait to get behind the wheel of one.

Many people thought that the 135i would be the spiritual successor to the E30 M3, and as journalists started driving them, we learned that, though the 135i is certainly a quick car, it didn’t quite have the agility required to be put in the same column as the E30 M3. But judging from BMW’s photos (after the jump), BMW thinks the 1-Series M Coupe may have finished the job where the 135i left off.

There’s lots more in the very lengthy and detailed press release, which has been posted in its entirety, along with a full photo gallery after the jump.

The All-New BMW 1 Series M Coupe

The return of “Eigenwillig.”

Woodcliff Lake, NJ – December 9, 2010, 6pm EST… With anticipation of enthusiasts around the world at fever pitch, today BMW M GmbH unveiled the newest member of its intimate product family. For the first time, the coveted M badge has been granted to the popular BMW 1 Series in the form of the all-new BMW 1 Series M Coupe. The M badge was imparted after a two-year development process through which BMW M engineers and test drivers achieved the exceptional power delivery and the signature, near-perfect driving behavior of a BMW M car. The 2011 BMW 1 Series M Coupe will be available in limited quantities and with a limited range of options at Authorized BMW Centers in Spring, 2011. Final pricing, packages, and options will be announced closer to the on-sale date.

“Eigenwillig,” a German word meaning “self-willed,” “individual,” and “determined to go its own way,” has been the proper word to describe the most unique and memorable M cars of the past three decades. With the original 1988 BMW M3 as its inspiration, the 2011 BMW 1 Series M Coupe combines the raw capabilities of a race car with the agility, versatility, and seating position of a compact BMW Coupe to create a pure Ultimate Driving Machine®. In doing so, the 1 Series M Coupe continues the eigenwillig tradition of BMW M. With its latest two-door model, BMW M is illustrating its ability to build race car performance into a small car, capable of everyday use.

Dimensions and Construction.
The new BMW 1 Series M Coupe has been developed for near-perfect balance and a large, square footprint. It is 71 inches (1803mm) wide – 4.8 inches (122mm) wider than its 1988 M3 ancestor – yet only 1.3 inches (33mm) longer at 172.4 inches (4379mm) long. The new 1 Series M Coupe weighs in at 1,495kg DIN (3,296 lbs, preliminary), and features a 104.7-inch (2659mm) wheelbase, three inches longer than the 1988 M3. Front and rear track widths are exactly the same on the 1 Series M Coupe at 60.7 inches (1542mm) each. Compared to the 2011 BMW 135i Coupe, the 1 Series M Coupe is 0.2 inches (5mm) longer, 2.1 inches (53mm) wider, 0.5 inches (13mm) taller, and rides on the same 104.7 inch (2659mm) wheelbase. It features a track 2.8 inches (71mm) wider up front and 1.8 inches (46mm) wider in the rear, and weighs 35kg DIN (77 lbs, preliminary) less.

The new 1 Series M Coupe features a high-strength steel unibody, with unique, widened fenders and rear quarter panels to house the substantially widened track. It also features a metal roof panel which saves about 35 lbs (15kg) compared to BMW 1 Series models equipped with a moonroof. The 2011 BMW 1 Series M Coupe, constructed as one of BMW’s most performance-oriented vehicles in recent years, will not be offered with a moonroof. This weight savings – at the tallest point of the vehicle – provides a corresponding drop in the center of gravity, which contributes to improved driving dynamics. It also helps maximize head room (or helmet room, as the case may be).

Engineering a chassis which is “faster than its engine”
Providing sure-footed responsive handling for a high-performance, powerful and luxurious coupe, while keeping mass under control, presented numerous challenges for BMW M’s engineers. The result is an aluminum suspension originally conceived for the current-generation M3, and tuned specifically for this model at BMW M’s Nϋrburgring Nordschleife test center. Of course, every BMW design begins with arranging major components in a way that facilitates near-perfect front/rear weight balance (51.7/48.3).

Virtually all of the front-end components are aluminum, including the front struts, swivel bearings, central subframe and an additional thrust panel below the engine serving to maximize lateral stiffness of the entire front section.

At the rear axle, the subframe, transverse arms, track arms, and wheel hubs have been reconfigured by M for ideal kinematics, geometry and stiffness. Virtually every detail on the five-arm rear axle is made of aluminum and is new for this generation of BMW M vehicles, including the aluminum dampers.

Both the front and rear axles feature hollow anti-roll bars optimized for their function and weight.  Incorporating two additional longitudinal reinforcement bars, axle kinematics are perfectly tailored to the overall street and track character of the car.  The result, in terms of both stability and weight, conforms to the balanced performance concept of every BMW M vehicle.

Compound Brakes and Wheels
A suitably powerful braking system for a car with this much performance was originally developed for the current-generation BMW M3. The internally-vented, cross-drilled cast iron discs measure 14.2 inches (360mm) in diameter at the front and 13.8 inches (350mm) in the rear.  Featuring large compound disc brakes and electronic anti-lock, stopping power for the 1 Series M Coupe is strong, precise and consistent. Each disc is connected to a floating aluminum hub by cast-in stainless-steel pins.  This configuration reduces the thermal loads on the discs, thus increasing their performance and service life.  An electrically-driven pump provides the system’s vacuum power.

Service – and safety – are enhanced thanks to an integrated wear indicator which, through a dash display, allows the driver to monitor the condition of the brake linings. Brake service – covered for four years or 50,000 miles under BMW Ultimate Service – can thus be administered when necessary without guesswork.

The 1 Series M Coupe is equipped with the M-specific, light-alloy cross-spoke wheels from the M3 Competition Package and limited-production M3 GTS. They measure 19 x 9 inches with 245/35/R19 low-profile tires at the front and 19 x 10 inches with 265/35/R19 tires at the rear, and are silver in color.

In the BMW 1 Series M Coupe, power transmission to the rear wheels also provides the ideal basis for thrilling driving dynamics due to the consistent separation of drivetrain and steering functions. The rack-and-pinion steering is fitted with the hydraulic power steering system called Servotronic, which regulates boost in relation to road speed.

Engine.
The heart of every BMW is the engine, and so an inline-6 with outstanding performance, free-revving behavior, and endless thrust propels the BMW 1 Series M Coupe. The concept is familiar: in the model history of BMW M, the high-revving inline-6 is one of the classic engine formats. In the second and third generations of BMW M3, the inline-6 became famous for combining high output, razor-sharp response, and sonorous sounds. In the BMW 1 Series M Coupe, the inline-6 engine concept is realized in its most up-to-date form.

The twin-turbocharged, all-aluminum, 3.0-liter inline-6 engine is characterized by instantaneous response to the accelerator pedal, fantastic sounds, and a free-revving spirit. The combination of twin low-mass turbochargers and BMW’s High Precision direct injection offers an output a naturally-aspirated engine would only be able to provide through more cylinders and larger displacement.

The turbocharger system developed for the engine of the new 1 Series M Coupe maintains a high output throughout the entire engine speed range. Maximum output of 335 hp (250 kW) is delivered at 5,900 rpm. Nominal peak torque is 332 lb-ft (450 Nm) from 1,500 rpm to 4,500 rpm. Redline is 7,000 rpm. The enhanced engine management system of the 1 Series M Coupe includes an electronically-controlled overboost function to briefly increase torque under full load by another 37 lb-ft (50 Nm). This temporary torque peak of 369 lb-ft gives the car a substantial increase in acceleration. The 1 Series M Coupe will complete the sprint from a standstill to 60 mph in just 4.7 seconds (0-100 kmh in 4.9 seconds). The standing quarter-mile mark comes up in 13.2 seconds. Top speed is limited electronically to 155 mph (250 kmh).

Signature sound to accompany the surge of power.
The exhaust system of the 1 Series M Coupe has been tuned by M specifically for this new model. Acoustic engineering gives the car a unique personality in all phases of operation. The M exhaust system is easily recognized by the presence of its four signature exhaust pipes.

M Drive Button.
The new 1 Series M Coupe also features the steering wheel-mounted M Drive button that made its first appearance in the 2006 M5.  In the 1 Series M Coupe, the M Button activates a razor-sharp throttle response program for the sportiest driving. This means that the performance characteristics of the engine can be varied according to the driver’s wishes.

6-speed Manual Transmission.
A close ratio 6-speed manual transmission is used for power transmission to the rear wheels in the BMW 1 Series M Coupe. It was specially designed to interact with high-torque engines and has been fitted for this purpose with a dry sump cooling system. An upgraded flywheel for high-torque applications is installed between the engine and transmission. The transmission is operated using a very short M gearshift lever. Final drive ratio is 3.15: 1.

Variable M differential lock, DSC with M Dynamic Mode.
The BMW 1 Series M Coupe is fitted with a variable M differential lock. This generates lock-up torque on-demand and variably, thus providing for optimum rear-wheel drive traction on all road surfaces. The variable M differential lock responds to differences in rotational speeds in the right and left rear wheel, redirecting drive torque in a fraction of a second. So where there are significant differences in friction coefficients between the right and left rear wheel, for example, optimum traction and maximum possible propulsion are ensured. The centrifuge principle of the variable M differential lock supports the dynamic qualities of rear-wheel drive both on slippery surfaces and when accelerating out of bends.

This gives the BMW 1 Series M Coupe traction benefits on slippery surfaces, snow and sand. It also supports sporty-style motoring on narrow, winding roads such as mountain passes since optimum traction and maximum drive torque are available when accelerating out of a bend. So in this model, too, the variable M differential lock proves ideal support for the driving dynamics properties of rear-wheel drive.

The Dynamic Stability Control (DSC) of the BMW 1 Series M Coupe includes such elements as the Antilock Brake System (ABS), an anti-slip control function (ASC), the brake assistant Dynamic Brake Control (DBC), a hill-hold assistant for starting off, Cornering Brake Control (CBC), a brake fade compensation function and a brake drying function. In the wet or on slippery surfaces the DSC intervenes discreetly to limit oversteer.

As an alternative to normal operating status, the driver can activate M Dynamic Mode (MDM) by means of pushing the MDM Button between the front air vents, raising the intervention thresholds of the DSC system. MDM enables slight amounts of dynamic oversteer under specific circumstances to enable optimum vehicle yaw for maximum performance. Demonstrations at the BMW Performance Center in Spartanburg, S.C. have proven MDM mode to enable the fastest-possible lapping performance while still providing the assurance and protection of Dynamic Stability Control. MDM also facilitates starting off in snow or loose surfaces by means of carefully controlled amounts of wheelspin. DSC may be fully disabled via a long-press of the MDM button (ABS remains active).

Innovative Aerodynamics: Air Curtains.
Consistency between form and function is crucial to engineers at BMW M, who seek perfect balance of various aerodynamic factors in the wind tunnel. As a result, the     1 Series M Coupe has been equipped with BMW’s latest aerodynamic innovation. Air curtains, used here for the first time in a BMW production vehicle, improve air flow around the wheel arches with the benefit of significantly reduced turbulence.

This innovative aerodynamic feature consists of openings in the outer section of the lower front fascia that route high-pressure air through ducts at each front corner. The ducts are approximately 10 x 3 centimeters wide and are designed to channel air to openings at the front of each wheel arch, where it is discharged through a very narrow opening at high speed. The escaping air stream covers the side of the front wheels like a curtain, thereby reducing aerodynamically unfavorable turbulence around the rotating wheels.

This feature has a key role to play in the development of future aerodynamic innovations. An example of the air curtain principle was first presented in the concept study BMW Vision EfficientDynamics at the International Motor Show (IAA) in Frankfurt in 2009, and the developers of the BMW 1 Series M Coupe took on the pioneering task of applying this element to a production vehicle. To do so, they utilized the unique capabilities of the new full-scale “rolling road” Aerolab wind tunnel at the BMW Group’s new Aerodynamic Testing Center.

Design.
There are three exterior paint finishes to choose from for the BMW 1 Series M Coupe. In addition to Alpine White non-metallic and Black Sapphire Metallic, Valencia Orange Metallic is available exclusively for this compact high-performance sports car.

The powerfully shaped front fascia is dominated by three large air intakes which secure cooling air for the high-performance engine. The wide central air intake is covered by a honeycomb-structured grille, while the two outer intakes are completely open. This means that in every situation on the road or track, a sufficiently large quantity of cooling air is fed directly to the engine oil cooler on the right and to the supplemental coolant radiator on the left.

With the greenhouse conveying an impression of lightness, the powerfully distinctive shoulder line and the elaborately sculpted surfaces symbolize precisely controllable athleticism in profile. The wheel arches of the 2-door model bulge out especially voluminously at both the front and rear. One hallmark M feature is the chrome gill element on the front wheel arch which is particularly elongated. It bears the side turn indicator and the M brand logo, as well as forming the starting point of the character line running along the door handles to the rear. A vertical contour edge starts at the gill element which leads down to the side sill. Fine-tuning in the wind tunnel has also shaped the design of the exterior mirrors. In their basic shape they are the same as those of the BMW M3.

The powerful wheel arches also make the rear of the BMW 1 Series M Coupe seem especially broad. Horizontally arranged lines accentuate this impression. A discreet spoiler lip on the luggage compartment lid generates additional downforce on the rear axle at high speeds. The rear fascia has side openings which echo the look of the Air Curtain intakes in the front fascia. The characteristic M visual symmetry is created by two sets of chrome twin tailpipes, each positioned towards the outer edges. L-shaped rear light clusters with red glass covers create a characteristic night-time illumination. Inside these, the rear light is provided by two light banks fed by LED units.

The BMW 1 Series M Coupe features standard Xenon Adaptive headlamps. The twin circular headlights are truncated in the upper section by an LED-fed “eyebrow.” This is what creates the focused look of the 1 Series M Coupe.

Focused Interior.
The M-specific cockpit developed exclusively for the BMW 1 Series M Coupe is designed to facilitate focused, sporty driving. High-quality, dark Alcantara with orange contrast stitching covers the door panels, door pulls, instrument cluster binnacle, dash panel, and gearshift and handbrake lever boots. The driver’s attention is focuses on an M-specific instrument cluster with gray dials, classic M red pointers, and white backlighting. An M driver footrest and M entry sills round off the unique interior.

The black sport seats in standard Boston leather have orange contrasting stitching and an M logo embossed in the front of each headrest. Seat heating is available for both front seats. The orange contrast stitching is also echoed on the rear seats and on all design elements featuring Alcantara. The leather M multifunction steering wheel features the now-ubiquitous M Button for spontaneous activation of the sharpest throttle response and M Dynamic Mode of DSC.

The dominance of dark surfaces, including the A pillar trim and anthracite headliner reduces sun glare and promotes focus on the road. In combination with high-quality materials, carefully planned contours, and selective color accents, the interior of the BMW 1 Series M Coupe provides a perfect environment in which to pursue driving pleasure.

Safety Equipment
BMW passionately pursues a safety philosophy with three key modes: a) superior accident avoidance, b) superior crash survivability, and c) comprehensive post-crash notification. The 1 Series M Coupe features an extensive range of standard equipment which underscores BMW’s safety research culture. Standard safety features include front, pelvis-thorax and side curtain head airbags, three-point automatic seatbelts for all seats with belt force limiters and belt pretensioners at the front. Models equipped with BMW Assist feature BMW’s Enhanced Automatic Collision Notification, which alerts authorities when an airbag deployment has occurred. Furthermore, data from on-board safety systems is processed and analyzed through the proprietary URGENCY algorithm so that the vehicle may provide the BMW Assist call center with special notice when occupants are likely to have sustained severe injury.

BMW Group In America
BMW of North America, LLC has been present in the United States since 1975.  Rolls-Royce Motor Cars NA, LLC began distributing vehicles in 2003.  The BMW Group in the United States has grown to include marketing, sales, and financial service organizations for the BMW brand of motor vehicles, including motorcycles, the MINI brand, and the Rolls-Royce brand of Motor Cars; DesignworksUSA, a strategic design consultancy in California; a technology office in Silicon Valley and various other operations throughout the country.  BMW Manufacturing Co., LLC in South Carolina is part of BMW Group’s global manufacturing network and is the exclusive manufacturing plant for all X5 and X3 Sports Activity Vehicles and X6 Sports Activity Coupes.  The BMW Group sales organization is represented in the U.S. through networks of 338 BMW passenger car centers, 336 BMW Sports Activity Vehicle centers, 143 BMW motorcycle retailers, 100 MINI passenger car dealers, and 31 Rolls-Royce Motor Car dealers.  BMW (US) Holding Corp., the BMW Group’s sales headquarters for North America, is located in Woodcliff Lake, New Jersey.

Information about BMW Group products is available to consumers via the Internet at:

www.bmwgroupna.com

We’ve tested all of VF Engineering’s cars at Spring Mountain Motorsports Ranch, and their E46 M3 was perhaps the most surprising. It certainly doesn’t look like much, with no fancy wheels, stickers, or massive wide-body kit, but the 9 lbs of boost that are being forced through that engine produce a massive effect in performance, increasing wheel horsepower by over 200! Hit the jump for a video of the VF Engineering E46 in action.

The Smoking Tire heads out to Spring Mountain Motorsports Ranch, where VF Engineering has provided us with an entire fleet of supercharged sports cars. Matt Farah takes a 510hp blown Porsche 911 and a 620 hp blown wide-body M3 out on the track to see what 30% more power does to two already great cars.

Video after the jump.

Here at The Smoking Tire, we love art cars. Especially BMW art cars. We love art cars so much, we even made one ourselves. Nothing is quite as official as the real thing though, and last night in Paris, artist Jeff Koons unveiled the 17th BMW Art Car, joining the ranks of Warhol, Calder, Lichtenstein, and Rauschenberg to be among the elite artists selected for such a high honor. Some of the world’s greatest modern artists have decorated BMW’s, and all but one have raced in the 24 Hours of LeMans, some with great success. Koons’ M3 GT2 is no exception, and with ultra-lightweight paint and a 500 hp V8 underhood, it certainly looks as fast as it goes. M3 GT2 art car gallery after the jump.

[Source: BMWBlog]

This is a question I posed to myself the other day while reading a comparison test of a VW GTI, Mazda 3 and Kia Forte sedan. The Kia got 3rd place, but was heralded for being a huge improvement over the last one. The author  said, “Kia has learned how to make a car turn. Uh oh.” They loved the Mazda 3, and of course blew their biggest kisses at the GTI (which it deserved). All 3 hold 5 people, handle pretty good,  are well equipped, and any of them is a good (and cheap) buy.

The cars have handling and acceleration that could have kept up with far more expensive cars of the 80s and 90s, and more gadgets than a 2000 Mercedes. A perfect example is the new V6 Mustang. It makes more power than the old V8, gets good mileage, looks good and drives great. It’s 0-60 time of 5.5 seconds would murder a 1975 Ferrari 308′s 6.5 second sprint and it cost $141,000  (adjusted for inflation). In fact, the “sporty” Toyota Sienna I ranted about last month would be neck and neck with Tom Selleck’s favorite prancing horse. It’s simply automotive evolution.

Evolution is nothing new of course. Every year cars have gotten a little bigger, faster, and better. Even the Model T had changes made during its life. For the 1911 model year it got front doors (ok maybe a medium-sized change). But it’s not that the evolution is new, or speeding up. It’s the fact that evolution at the top is slowing down.

When the Ferrai Enzo came out it made waves bigger than when Kim Kardashian forgot the toilet seat was up. In 2002 it set a new record for a production car on Ferrari’s test track. Last year the F430 Scuderia beat that record, and it’s smaller, lighter and cheaper. Sure, the Bugatti Veyron raised the bar of what is possible, but was it that big a jump from the McLaren F1? For a while, as the smaller, cheaper cars evolved, so did the luxury cars and supercars. But I think we’re hitting a wall, and that’s allowing the “pilot fish”, like the Kias and Mazda 3s, to catch up.

In 2007, TIME Magazine made a list of the 50 Worst Cars of All TIme, the most recent one was the 2004 Chevy SSR ( It was just a bad idea, plain and simple. Even if it had driven like a BMW and had the interior of a Rolls, it was just plain stupid). Only 5 cars were post-2000 models, and they were all mistakes from which we learned a lot (Pontiac Aztek; Never again.) If this list was made again in 10 years, or even 30, how much will it have changed.

"And don't show your face here again!"

That’s good news for consumers, it just makes me wonder if there will be a day when no car is truly “bad.” Diesel cars used to be noisy: no longer. FWD cars couldn’t handle, but now they’re pretty good at it. Heavy cars rolled over faster than a heroin-addicted snitch, but now even the 5000lb BMW 550i corners flat. Hell, my friend’s 2004 V8 Toyota 4runner handled better than most pre-2000 passenger cars I’ve driven. Is the future full of quiet, smooth, fast, agile, comfortable cars, regardless of their price or brand?

American cars are catching up in quality and handling, the Germans are catching the Japanese with hybrid technology, and the Koreans are quickly catching up to everyone. Everyone wants everything from their car, and slowly car makers are figuring out how to do that. I mean, there’s a minivan with sport suspension and new trucks handle better than 4 year old cars. We’re heading to an all-inclusive automobile. And as nice as it is to have car quality-in all aspects-getting better, I hope we do have another Pinto, Aztek, or Le Baron. After all, how can you appreciate a sunny day…

…if you don’t see clouds once in a while?

So I pose my question to you: Do you think cars are collectively getting better, and at some point you could be happy with almost any of them? Or do you think we are human, and mistakes-like a 2015 Aztek-will continue to happen?

- Zack K

First, respect where it’s due: Tuner G-Power did build the world’s fastest sedan when they twin-supercharged the BMW M5, producing 750 horsepower and a top speed of 228 mph.

Silly fast M5′s notwithstanding, this G-Power tuned X5, called the “Typhoon,” features a supercharged 4.8L V8 producing 625 horsepower. It does 0-60 in 4.5 seconds and tops out at 186 mph. Off-road, snow, even rain capability? Not so much. And the price for the maddest X5 you can buy? $415,000. That’s not a typo. You could buy a Ferrari 430 Scuderia AND a Porsche Cayenne Turbo for that kind of money. Even worse? For all that wide-body aero madness, the Typhoon is still just a tick faster than the Cayenne Turbo at a quarter of the price. G-power gets today’s award for building the single stupidest car in the world.

[Source: G Power]

500 horsepower, 516 lb/ft of torque, and these wheels. That is all you need know about the new Alpina B7.

OK, I read TMZ. I like celeb trash sometimes, so deal with it. I especially like it when celebrities, a great percentage of which are morons, think their cars are worth more simply because they have owned them. This is common, even by normal non-celebrity standards, as every car is worth more to its current owner than it is to anyone else. Drive a $130,000 Maserati Quattroporte off the lot with a smile? To you, it’s still worth $130,000. To anyone else, it’s now worth $100,000 maximum, simply because your fat ass sat in the seat for a few miles, and signed some paperwork.

Jon Gosselin, who just realized he has to pay at least $10,000 A MONTH! in child support for his 8 kids, tried to make a quick buck by trading in his 2005 M3 (AKA, the guidomobile) for a 2008 Subaru STI plus about $4,000 in pocket for him. Not surprisingly, the dealer wasn’t buying. Maybe he could rent it out by the day to paparazzi?

[Source: TMZ]

When I was younger, I would spend my weekends hopping from dealership to dealership test-driving cars. I looked older, and dressed the part, which made my lies to salesmen more believable. As I have gotten older, I have gained increasingly more access to test vehicles, and my dealership experience has faded.

But in this series, I go back to my roots and begin to test-drive cars straight off dealership lots, because, well, I gotta get cars somehow. Besides, when you limit yourself to driving only very good sports cars, your perceptions of reality can get a little warped. That’s why, in this series, I’m going to try to stay away from sports cars.

This week, I drove three small, German SUV’s, the Mercedes GLK350, BMW X3 3.0 Xdrive, and Audi Q5 3.2. I hate this class of vehicle, especially since these vehicles offer less sport, and barely more utility than a station wagon, yet cost thousands more.

The Evidence (base price shown)

Audi Q5: $37,200

Audi A4 Avant: $34,500

Mercedes GLK350: $35,475

Mercedes C300 (sedan quoted, wagon available 2011): $33,600

BMW X3 3.0 XDrive: $39,575

BMW 328i Wagon: $35,400

Granted, the SUV’s offer more base power than their wagon counterparts, but with more mass to move, it’s easy to understand why the power is needed. Despite my hatred of the small SUV, we press on with the comparison:

Third Place: Mercedes GLK350

May as well come out and say it: the GLK is impossibly ugly. The exterior styling, while making an effort to be futuristic and edgy, comes off as neither. It looks like someone raised the roof, literally, on a C-class, then hacked off the trunk. Mercedes says that the GLK’s “design language” is based on the G-class, a 30-year old design that, for some reason, continues to sell to overindulgent morons in Hollywood like Megan Fox and Hilary Duff. I don’t see the styling connection, as it looks much more like the GL-class than the original G. Besides, even if it is any good off road, no one will ever know, because no one who knows they will be off-roading when thinking of buying a new car would ever consider the GLK, especially one fitted with the optional 20″ wheels.

My test car’s window sticker read $40,600, the cheapest as-tested price of this group. It included the Premium Package ($3,150), Sport Package ($900), and iPod integration ($375). The car did not have the COMMAND navigation system, which comes with a backup camera and costs another $3,000.

The interior is about what you’d expect: good fit and finish, great visibility out of the car, which makes sense given the upright seating position and generous amount of glass, and comfortable front seats, if lacking bolstering. I was pleasantly surprised to see real brushed aluminum used in the dash and trim, and then that surprise was offset by my shock at how much hard plastic is used in the interior. The dash, door panels, center console, and rear cargo area are all trimmed out in plastic. I was also disappointed in the lack of a better leather option, if you could even call it that. The salesman assured me that it’s real leather, I didn’t believe him for a second, and I have since learned that there will be a better “Upholstery Package” offered in 2010. It couldn’t come soon enough. The front, power operated driver’s seat has plenty of legroom and headroom for my large frame, and rear seat room was a close second in this test, slightly roomier than the Audi and tigher than the BMW. The front passenger seat had full, manual controls, and though it was just as roomy, a car at this price point really should have full power seats. I don’t understand why Mercedes would install a power steering wheel and not a power front seat, when its clear which would be more useful. The rear seats fold flat, a standard in this class, providing plenty of storage space.

Driving the GLK350 could best be described as “bland,” which is probably what the kind of aspirational appliance-seeker who would buy it wants. Its 268hp 3.5L V6 makes more than enough power to get the GLK from A to B, and not nearly enough power to have fun along the way. Its 258 lb/ft of torque are highest in this test, though, and it does scoot off the line with very little pedal effort. The salesman assured me that by putting the 7-speed SelectShift transmission in “sport” and shifting myself, that it would be more fun. It wasn’t. Upshifts took a full “one, Mississippi” count, and throttle-blips on downshifts would be way too much to ask. The GLK is one of those “throw it in D” kind of cars. The brakes work adequately for around-town commuting, though the pedal suffers from a serious case of the squishies. Expected fuel economy is about 18mpg overall, or 22/16 on the EPA scale. Unsurprisingly, Mercedes recommends 91 octane or higher.

Despite the $7,000 as-tested advantage over the other two vehicles in this test, the GLK was a clear dead last. It felt least attached to its luxury heritage, least equipped, and, in my opinion, the worst styling.

Good: You can tell your friends you drive a Mercedes, even if just barely.

Bad: An attempt at an aggressive, sporty SUV resulted in a tall wagon that’s anything but aggressive or sporty.

The Smoking Tire: A Mercury Mariner is more comfortable, just as functional, and better looking, for $10,000 less.

Second Place: BMW X3 3.0 XDrive

The aging X3 is the oldest design of this segment, first appearing on the market in 2004 with the anemic 2.5L engine and lack of performance to match. The good news is that, since then, BMW has decided to paint the trim body color and add the 3.0L 260hp engine to the X3, an improvement of 76hp from the original model. Unfortunately, not much else has changed. The X3 is still hideous, but now with front and rear fascias which attempt to mimic its big brother the X5. Sadly, the exterior proportions are still very awkward: it’s squat, yet upright, it looks more like a misshapen 3-series than a member of the X family.

Things get better inside, as the Bimmer’s leather is best-of-the group. The doors are sculpted and stitched with high quality, soft leather, and the door handles are works of metallic art. In typical BMW fashion, the steering wheel is thick and has just the right amount of padding, and is also fully adjustable, albeit manually. The dash, like the current-generation 3 and 5 series, doesn’t angle towards the driver, as it does in the Audi, it bulges in the center and gets narrower towards either door, a somewhat awkward proportion. Climate controls are standard BMW fare, except I still don’t understand why there’s a hot/cold selector knob in between the two center vents. Every BMW I have driven since I turned 16 has had this feature, and I don’t know any more about it now than I did then. If the climate system is indeed fully automatic, as it appears to be, then why the second control knob? The salesman, nice as he was, couldn’t explain its presence either, and once my questions about it fully confused him, I stopped asking. Immediately noticeable on my $48,000 test vehicle was the strange lack of iDrive. Instead, the X3 has a pop-up screen with the average-at-best Navigation system most commonly used in the E46 3-series and E39 5-series. Don’t get me wrong; it worked great, in 2002. Next year, the X3 is due in for a redesign, no doubt including iDrive. The X3 does get points, however, for the roomiest and best upholstered rear seat.

The X3’s strong suit is the slickr’n greased owl shit 3-liter straight six. Though it’s the least powerful of the three, it’s only just, and it pulls the car without a single vibration felt through the chassis or steering wheel. This is an engine that is so refined at this point, I doubt it could get any better, except, maybe, by strapping on a couple turbos. Oh, wait, they already did that. In fact, why isn’t that engine offered? Nevertheless, the X3 is the lightest of the bunch, so it’s slight power deficiency isn’t too detrimental. BMW hasn’t gotten around to updating the X3 with their “Flight Simulator” shifter offered in the 5-series and X5/6 yet, but at least the shift lever has the right orientation for performance driving, with upshifts requiring a pull, and downshifts a push. The brakes are effective, yet almost too immediate with their response, and they require a gentle foot, unless you don’t mind your passengers’ beverages all over the windshield. Steering feel has always been BMW’s strong suit, and that’s one area where the X3 doesn’t disappoint. The weighted feel and perfect amount of road/driver communication really do remind you that you’re driving a BMW. And EPA figures of 16/23 put the X3 ahead of the Benz and just behind the Q5. Of course, that’s premium fuel.

The biggest problem the BMW faces is its price. The base price of $39,995 is over $2,700 more than the Audi, and over $5,000 more than the Benz, and both of those cars come with way more standard features. Fully optioned out, the Bimmer will cross the big five-oh. My test car stickered at $48,650, the highest in this test. Considering the BMW is an aging design with the least amount of tech goodies, value is out the window. Not surprisingly, it seems that even in the world of small SUV’s, the BMW-tax applies.

Good: Sportiest of the bunch, most rear seat room

Bad: The most desirable options make the X3 very expensive quickly.

The Smoking Tire: Just as ugly as ever, but hey, it steers like a BMW.

First Place: Audi Q5 3.2 Quattro

Like the GLK, the Audi Q5 is new for this year. Following in the footsteps of the ugly-but-successful Q7 SUV, the Q5 downsizes a bit, in keeping with the societal themes of the last couple of years. I was surprised that the Q5 actually looks better than the Q7; Ingolstadt’s finest smoothed and lowered the bulbous waistline of the Q7 into a flowing, more compact design with the Q5. The Q5 also loses the Q7’s monster air dam, a vast improvement. Where the X3 fails to “shrink” the X5, the Q5 succeeds in shrinking the Q7. Audi’s trademark big-mouth bass grille and LED running lights seem a bit much for the Q5; I’d preferred if Audi had reserved the LED’s for only its high-performance models.

By this point, everyone already knows Audi puts together stellar interiors, so I won’t beat a dead horse. The interior design language first seen on the A6 has tricled to the A/S5, the A/S4, and now the Q5, and in each of these models, it works flawlessly. The center console features the largest and brightest LCD screen of the three, and though it takes a few days to get used to Audi’s MMI system, navigating between menus using the large buttons is very easy. But, why does the scroll wheel go the wrong way? To scroll down, you turn counter-clockwise, which is the exact opposite of every scrolling wheel, ever. The steering wheel, while not as thick as the BMW’s, has multifunction controls as standard, and is wrapped in very soft leather. Front seats are full power standard, and the rear seat can remotely fold down using a button in the cargo area. They must be lifted back up manually with a lever on either side of the rear bench, a very simple process. Most disappointing about the Q5 is the lack of rear seat legroom; anyone with over a 32 inch inseam would get out of the car with bruised knees. Headroom is exceptional in both the front and back seats. Strangely, Edmunds.com’s car comparing website shows the Q5 with more rear legroom than both the GLK and X3, contrary to my experience.

The Q5’s 3.2 Liter, direct injection V6 makes 270hp, the most of the three, but by only 2hp over the GLK. There is only a 10 horsepower spread from least to most in this test, and the weight spread is only 150lbs, so acceleration, braking, and handling numbers are all going to be very similar. More importantly, the Q5’s transmission is noticeably quicker than both the X3 and GLK, especially in manual mode. On the other hand, the transmission in question actually hiccupped, hard, after flooring it and jumping off the gas quickly in “Sport Auto” mode. At least all three come with identical 4year/50k mile warranties. And if you keep your foot out of it, the Q5 will manage 18/23 MPG with the longest range of the group, 455 miles.

The good news is that the Q5 has a relatively low base price of $37,500. The bad news is that the premium package, which includes all the goodies you’d expect from a luxury car, is $4,000, meaning the odds of actually getting one for less than $40,000 are just about zero. Want navigation and a backup camera? That’ll be another $3,000 please. My test car stickered at $47,915, which is just about where I say the Q5, like the X3, isn’t worth the money. I’d say skip the navigation and get a TomTom. You still get the LCD screen and MMI interface, even without it. And if you really think you need a backup camera, save your money and get some driving lessons.

The best thing I can say about the Q5 though, is that it really is very similar to the A4 Avant both in interior feel and driving dynamics. And that’s the biggest compliment offered in this test.

Good: All the stuff you like about other Audis applies here

Bad: No 2.0T or TDI engine available, options get expensive quickly.

The Smoking Tire: Best of the three, but still a car you’d buy for your mom.

I wouldn’t buy any of these cars. Not because there is anything inherently wrong with them, or because they don’t perform as advertised, but because I see them all as pointless vehicles. I would never buy an SUV that doesn’t do anything that a station wagon wouldn’t. I spent a week with an A4 Avant, during which time it snowed nearly a foot, and I had to help a friend move a bunch of boxes. I even drove the Avant on a snow-covered Monticello Motor Club’s road course at very high speed, drifting the whole way. And none of it was even remotely a problem for the wagon. It looked better, went faster, cost less, and got better fuel economy than the Q5 as well. The A4 is just an example, BMW and Mercedes also make equally capable, and proportionately cheaper station wagons. And lets be honest with ourselves here: no one, and I mean less than 1% of owners, will ever drive any of these pseudo-SUV’s off road. Both the BMW and Audi come with hill-descent control standard, and if that button ever gets pressed it’s because the driveway is a bit icy, not because they need to get down safely from Everest Base Camp.

There was always a possibility that one of the three cars in this weeks Dealership Experience  would change my mind about small SUV’s, even though ultimately that wasn’t the case. These three cars all function in a very similar way and offer similar equipment at a similar price. It really makes me feel like car companies today are simply imagining holes in the market that really don’t need to be there. I know there’s nothing in between the E-class wagon and the ML or R class SUV’s, but do we really need a tiny little box running around pretending to be an SUV?  Not really. Does raising the roof and putting big tires on a 3-series make it do anything the 328xi Wagon won’t do? Not really. Are Audi customers really finding their Avants too mommy-like that they need a small SUV? Grow up, wagons drive exactly like sedans, they just hold more stuff.

Alternatively, I’d like to encourage everyone to try everything out for themselves, maybe you’ll see something I missed. If you’re looking at a small SUV, try a wagon, and if you’re looking at a wagon, try a small SUV. The sales don’t lie.